August 31, 2010 by Matt Kailey
This week’s Ask Matt involves a reader who has fallen in love with a close lesbian friend who has come out as trans. And yesterday, I gave the easy answer: tell the guy how you feel.
But before you do, there are some questions that you really need to explore with yourself. I offer these questions not to be critical or to discourage you, but because they are important for you to consider – for your own sake and for his.
1. Did you have any romantic attraction at all to this person before he came out to you and told you that he was transitioning from female to male? You say that his revelation about being trans was sexy and brave. Was it this revelation that sparked the romantic feelings? Continue Reading »
Posted in Advice, Ask Matt | Tagged transition, trans men, sexual orientation, relationships, testosterone, family | 6 Comments »
August 30, 2010 by Matt Kailey
A reader writes: “A close lesbian friend has recently confided in me that she is transgender. I was not put off by this at all. I saw her honesty as brave and sexy! I have fallen in love with her and am unsure how to take that next step. I don’t want to overwhelm her by admitting my feelings while she is preparing for a big change, but the certainty of my feelings makes it difficult to stay silent.”
My interpretation of this letter is that this individual has told you of his intention to transition from female to male. He obviously feels close enough to you to confide in you. I don’t know whether or not you have sensed that the attraction is mutual, but even if you haven’t, that doesn’t mean that it isn’t or couldn’t be.
But there is a lot going on here, so this is going to be a two-part response, and I hope that readers chime in, too.
There is, on the surface, a relatively simple answer: You invite this person out for coffee or lunch (pick an activity and a location that allows for an easy out – that allows one party to say, “I’ve got to get back to work now. I’ll talk to you later.”), and then you have “the talk”: Continue Reading »
Posted in Advice, Ask Matt | Tagged transition, trans men, relationships | 4 Comments »
August 26, 2010 by Matt Kailey
For people in the service industry, such as clerks, wait staff, and other service professionals, dealing with the public on a constant basis can be difficult enough. Add confusion over gender into the mix, and you’ve got a recipe for a really bad day.
Not only that, but sometimes you can make or break your customer’s day as well. With that in mind, I present five tips that we wish your employer included in training:
1. It’s not necessary to say “sir” or “ma’am,” even if you have been instructed to do so. If you are unsure of a customer’s gender, on the phone or in person, just say, “May I help you?” and “Thank you,” leaving off the “sir” or “ma’am” entirely. If your boss is looking over your shoulder, you can explain to him or her later that what you did is actually good for business. Continue Reading »
Posted in Advice, Information, Observations | Tagged gender, gender expression, restrooms, etiquette | 13 Comments »
August 23, 2010 by Matt Kailey
A reader writes: “I interact with a clerk almost every day at a certain coffee shop. We talk to each other when I get my coffee, but I’m not sure if this person is a man or a woman. I’m also not sure if this person is trans or not. How can I find out without asking?”
Although this question came from a non-trans reader, it could just as easily have come from a trans reader. Although our “gen-dar” and “trans-dar” might be better developed than in non-trans people, they are not always 100 percent accurate.
Regardless, for anyone, trans or not, who has this question, I would first ask you a question that is not meant to be dismissive or snippy, but is intended to help you explore your own thoughts and feelings about the matter: Why do you need to know? Continue Reading »
Posted in Advice, Ask Matt | Tagged transgender, gender, gender expression, relationships, transsexual, etiquette | 10 Comments »
August 19, 2010 by Matt Kailey
We have had an interesting discussion on phalloplasty this week, and I think it’s important to reinforce some things, especially for those who might be new to gender issues. So I would like to wrap this up by summarizing some important concepts:
> Transition is not a choice.
> Transition is not indicated for everyone who presents with gender issues. However, for those who need to transition, it is a medical necessity.
> Transition is a process involving various therapeutic, medical, and legal components and interventions. Not everyone who transitions will do exactly the same thing, and not every component of transition is indicated for every person who transitions. Continue Reading »
Posted in Information, Observations | Tagged transition, trans men, being trans, bodies, surgery | 4 Comments »
August 16, 2010 by Matt Kailey
A reader asks, “Why do some trans guys not want phalloplasty?”
Although I can’t speak for every guy who does not want this surgery (or series of surgeries), I can provide my own reasons for going dickless in Denver, and I can also speak to what I have heard from other guys about their own reasons. Of course, I’m hoping that readers will chime in as well.
When I first started transition 13 years ago, I desperately desired a dick, and I’m not talking about on a partner (although I did want that, too). I felt that I needed those parts, and I felt inadequate and incomplete without them. There were times when this was difficult for me.
But in the U.S., we have no insurance coverage for these procedures, and I was looking at $60,000. Well, actually, I wasn’t looking at $60,000, which was the problem. I simply couldn’t afford it, and I couldn’t imagine how I would ever get that kind of money. Even metoidioplasty with scrotal construction was far beyond my price range.
And although I had seen some really excellent metoidioplasty results, I was less than enamored with the results I had seen with phallo. I had also just had chest surgery, and I wasn’t certain that I could endure, either physically or psychologically, another series of surgeries, even if I did have the money. But I didn’t, so everything else was a moot point. Continue Reading »
Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, Observations | Tagged transition, trans men, bodies, health care, surgery | 16 Comments »
August 12, 2010 by Matt Kailey
There are some things that just can’t be explained – like why I ate three desserts at Country Buffet last night, or how I ended up where I am … or maybe I mean who I am … today.
I promised a while back that I would share the very bizarre story of my gender therapist, and that is what I am about to do.
I’m not a big believer in fate (although I’m getting bigger after those three desserts). But when people say, “There are no coincidences,” this is what they’re talking about. Here’s the short version: Continue Reading »
Posted in Observations | Tagged transition, being trans, health care, therapy | 10 Comments »
A reader who is transitioning from male to female asks: “When would it be appropriate in my transition to start looking to date? I will be beginning my Real Life Experience soon, and my head tells me I have to wait until at least this date, but my heart yearns for a special someone to share the ride. Or should I wait till beyond SRS? And lastly, how do I do this “lesbian” thing?”
What Does ‘Transgender’ Tell You About Me? Nothing!
September 2, 2010 by Matt Kailey
But although I’ve complained before that multiple choice is not trans friendly, I think that, after 13 years of survey-taking and research-participating, it did not truly dawn on me until now how useless the term “transgender” is, by itself, in data collection.
A recent survey offered me a choice of the following in response to the question “How do you identify?” – gay, lesbian, transgender, bisexual, queer, or something else.
This isn’t the first time I’ve been confronted with something similar, and I’m always stymied. But in order to have my “trans voice” heard, I have to pick “transgender.”
So tell me – from that answer alone, what do you know about me? Continue Reading »
Posted in Commentary | Tagged transgender, gender identity, sexual orientation, transsexual, LGBT | 9 Comments »