I have two letters with relatively short answers (for me!), so even though they’re not related, I put them together into one post. And here we have them:
A reader writes: “I’m a queer cis femme, and I have a number of close friends who, over the past few years, have come out as trans (FtM). I consider myself a strong ally, and I have had no problem adjusting to their preferred names or pronouns, but there is one issue that I am unsure about.
“In many cases, these friends and I share mutual friends and/or acquaintances who may or may not know of a trans friend’s past. When telling stories about various adventures or experiences with a trans friend who, at the time, did not identify as trans, which pronoun should I use?
“I don’t want to accidentally ‘out’ them to people who don’t know (or don’t need to know) the whole story, but I also want to stay true to my friend and true to the story. If we did something together – let’s say, went camping – then should I say, ‘She and I went camping last summer’ or ‘He and I went camping last summer’?”
The best thing to do, particularly if you are talking about relating stories about this person when he is not present, is to ask the person. You will need to ask each one of your friends, individually and privately, what he prefers if you happen to be talking about him to others when he is not present, particularly when those people don’t know that he has transitioned.
However, as a general rule when talking about a trans person’s past, whether he or she is present or not, the following two things apply:
1. Always use the pronoun that the person currently uses, even if everyone in the room knows that he or she is trans. For example, when referring to a trans man friend, you would say, “He and I went camping last year,” “He and I grew up together,” or “I’ve known him since he was five.” The same rule applies with trans women. You would always use “she,” regardless of the time period you are talking about. If the person uses a pronoun other than “he” or “she,” then use that one.
There’s nothing more aggravating than reading a news story about a trans person and seeing that the writer uses both pronouns to refer to the person, as if the writer’s sole purpose was to confuse the public: “She was a nuclear physicist prior to her transition from female to male, and then he became an astronaut.” Huh? No, he was a nuclear physicist prior to his transition from female to male, and then he became an astronaut. Continue Reading »
Hey, Conservative Mom, I Don’t Like ‘Gender Bender Day’ Either
May 27, 2013 by Matt Kailey
Regardless, Deidri Hernandez was pissed and said that she did not want her son exposed to this apparent promotion of “homosexuality” in schools. She then went on to confuse sexual orientation with gender identity by saying, “They might as well call it Transgender Day.” She also complained about how liberals and atheists have the ear of the school, but others do not.
Well, Ms. Hernandez, I’m one of those liberals and atheists who are apparently so powerful and influential, and the truth is that I don’t like the idea of “Gender Bender Day” or “Switch Hitter Day” or whatever you want to call it either – but for very different reasons:
> This activity assumes that there are only two genders and only two acceptable ways to express them – probably a dress and makeup for girls and pants and maybe beard stubble for boys. There are no gray areas here, and it is likely that no alternative options for gender expression will be discussed.
> Most girls wear pants to school now anyway, at least some of the time, so the real “delight” of this day will be boys in dresses that everyone gets to laugh about and make fun of. Far from promoting “homosexuality,” an event like this instead promotes gay and trans bashing – “Wow, John, you sure look pretty in that dress. Who knew you were so gay?” “Albert, that dress fits you perfectly. Is it your mom’s or is it yours?” “Joe, you look so good in those high heels that I would date you – but I’m not a f*g!” Continue Reading »
Posted in Commentary | Tagged being trans, education, family, gender expression, gender roles, identity | 12 Comments »