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Ask Matt Double Header and Question Overload

March 3, 2014 by Matt Kailey

Today we have four questions in two posts. One post deals with coming out in two very different circumstances (to a fiancée’s family and to a new date). The other deals with gender identity, sexual orientation, and the confusion, confluence, and sometimes conflation of the two. Reader comments are welcome and encouraged.

In the past ten days or so, I have been overloaded with Ask Matt questions. I was catching up, and now I’m far behind. In order to maintain my sanity and not irritate readers who might have to wait a month to have a question answered, I am putting a hold on the feature right now to allow me to catch up. So I will be answering the questions that I currently have in queue, but I will not be taking any new questions.

For those who have questions, I recommend going to my About Tranifesto page, which explains my various blog categories (on the right-hand column of this blog). I have redone my blog categories in an attempt to give readers an easier way to navigate the blog to find the information they might be looking for. Hopefully, you will be able to get your question answered, at least in part, by reading similar questions and answers.

And never forget to read the Comments section of any posts that you find helpful. My readers are great at relating their own experiences and offering a variety of thoughts and opinions, giving you a lot of information to think about and a lot of views to consider in making your decisions.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

Ask Matt: Gender Identity/Sexual Orientation Confusions

March 3, 2014 by Matt Kailey

Question MarkIn these two letters, we look at the confusion around, and intersections of, sexual orientation and gender identity. Here we go:

A reader writes: “I’m dating a trans man now and it’s been amazing. I’m still slightly confused as I have always considered myself as a straight female and have always seen him as male, but at the same time I’ve accepted that for the moment he is still female and am willing to do stuff with him (obviously, haha).

“I know labels are not the best way to go about things, but I’m not sure of how else I can understand what I am feeling? I hope this doesn’t come across as naive or stupid. I’m just a little bit confused.”

It’s not uncommon for those who are dating trans people to become confused about their own sexual orientation. For you, it seems pretty straight-forward – you’re a straight woman dating a trans guy, so you’re a straight woman … because he’s a guy.

I would argue that he is not “still female.” I think what you mean is that he has not had any type of genital surgery. Maybe you even mean that he is not taking hormones. But if he’s living as a man, then he’s not female. And if you see him as male, then he’s not female to you, either.

Just because he has a different body type from what you might be used to doesn’t negate any of that. If you’ve been with several men in your life, you know that their body types vary widely, even though they all might have come closer to the particular prototype or representation that we have of a “standard” male body than your current lover’s body does. No matter. He’s a man, you’re a woman, and the label for that type of relationship in Western culture is “straight.” Continue Reading »

Posted in Ask Matt, Bodies, Family, Gender, Identity, Language, Relationships, Sexual Orientation, Transition | Tagged , , , | 10 Comments »

Ask Matt: Coming Out – to a Fiancée’s Parents and to a New Date

March 3, 2014 by Matt Kailey

Question MarkHere, we have two coming-out posts reflecting very different situations. As always, I encourage readers to chime in. Here goes:

A reader writes: “I identify as a genderfluid/ genderqueer FTM transsexual who presents and lives publicly as male. I’ve been in a relationship with a cissexual, genderqueer person who presents and lives publicly as female for about a year and a half.

“She recently came out to her parents as queer. I’ve been out to my family as queer and trans for years, but I’m not out to her family (and most people in general). It simply doesn’t come up/isn’t any of their business, combined with an intense fear I have of people knowing I’m trans, in part due to an experience of coming out to someone I thought I could trust and his reaction being to rape me to try to prove to me that I’m female. I don’t trust many people with this information.

“My partner and I just got engaged, and everyone is happy for us and all is well and dandy. My concern is that folks in my family (who all know my gender history) will tell other people at the wedding, perhaps even tell everyone at once during a toast. I can’t really imagine a worse way for me to come out to her family.

“The options I see are (1) tell her family ahead of time, (2) keep our families apart/elope, and (3) ask folks in my family not to out me and just hope they are able to do it. Do you see any options I’m missing? I’m just so uncomfortable with all of these options. I imagine this information will eventually make the rounds, but I’d feel much more comfortable if it came up naturally and not as a big announcement.”

That’s a tough one. But there’s one thing missing from all these options, and that is – what does your fiancée think? It’s not her decision when and how you come out, but I think under these circumstances, it’s definitely something that the two of you should discuss together (with you getting the final say if the two of you disagree).

My personal opinion is that you should tell her family ahead of time, and here’s why: The two families will probably have many interactions over the years, even if you elope. Expecting every member of your family to honor an agreement not to out you over the next fifty years might be more than you can reasonably count on.

Just expecting no one to slip up at the wedding might be too much. Even with the best of intentions, someone can easily make a mistake, and there could be one family member who thinks this bit of information might be too juicy to withhold – especially after a few champagne toasts. Continue Reading »

Posted in Ask Matt, Coming Out, Family, Relationships | Tagged , | 2 Comments »

Ask Matt Double Header

February 24, 2014 by Matt Kailey

Today’s posts involve a teenager from a very small town who isn’t sure whether or not he can transition in that town, but has no real way to get out. And first he has to convince his parents that transition is the necessary path for him. Next, we have a college student who wants to know how to change his friends’ perception of his gender – a tough, and sometimes impossible, thing to do.

As always, reader input is welcome and appreciated. I hope you all had a good weekend. I had a great time attending the Colorado Gold Rush Conference in Denver, which was definitely a success, with possibly a record number of attendees – or close, anyway.

Thanks for reading!

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

Ask Matt: Changing My Friends’ Perception of My Gender

February 24, 2014 by Matt Kailey

Question MarkA reader writes: “I recently started college, and I quickly came to the realization that I am transgender. I have been transitioning every way but physically (mentally, socially, etc.), and the process has been enlightening for me. The problem has mainly been with my friends and classmates.

“All of my friends have been as supportive and understanding as they know how. Some friends that I have known for years simply accepted my trans identity as if I came out as gay, telling me they love me, but showing no signs of changing pronouns or their mental perception of my gender. And other friends struggled to remember pronouns and try to shift their thinking from the binary, but it left me feeling discouraged around them and strangers. Additionally, most of my classmates only have my voice and clothing to go on, which convinces them I am a lesbian.

“And I worry that girls who would like me as a guy don’t because they think I am a girl, and others won’t be able to forget that I’m not the girl they thought I was (which happened last semester). I feel as if I am constantly trying to convince people of my maleness. I can count on one hand the number of people I feel 100% comfortable that they view me as male no matter what.

“I have thought of ways to lightheartedly correct pronouns in a way that convinces people I am just a cis guy with a high voice and soft skin, but constantly being misgendered has crushed my outgoing spirit. I don’t want to be “out” in a way that everyone would know I am trans before knowing me, and I don’t want to discuss it with every person I meet. I identify proudly as trans, but I don’t want to be trans first, I want to be male.

“Some people accept the trans label and he/him pronouns, but I can tell they still relate to me as a lesbian. I don’t want my manhood reduced to others trying to remember the right pronouns or something open for discussion and questioning by those who don’t know me. How can I find my confidence and voice in a way that is empowering for me? What advice do you have for pre-/non-physically transitioning guys who want to be seen, and respected, as men?”

This is a tough problem that I think many, or most, trans people experience when/if they are changing name, pronouns, and gender presentation. Transition is an ongoing process, both for you and for those around you. I realize how annoying it is to hear someone tell you to be patient with others when you’re the one who is experiencing the pain of being misgendered, but that’s what I’m going to tell you – be patient.

I don’t know how long it has been since you came out to your friends, but since you say you recently started college and came to this realization, I’m going to assume that it might be a matter of only a few months, and maybe not even that. And honestly, a few months, while it seems like an eternity to you, is really a very short time for your friends to permanently alter their perception of you. Continue Reading »

Posted in Ask Matt, Expression, Gender, Identity, Roles/Expectations | Tagged , , | 7 Comments »

Ask Matt: Small-Town Transition Blues

February 24, 2014 by Matt Kailey

Question MarkA reader writes: “I’m a 16-year-old trans guy, and I came out to my mom two months ago, and my dad one month ago. They haven’t rejected me (I knew they wouldn’t), but they’re not on board with thinking of me as their son, and probably won’t be in the near future. My mom e-mailed a gender therapist recently, so I’m looking forward to my parents getting a ‘professional opinion,’ and so I can finally talk to someone who speaks my language.

“Some problems are: I don’t know how (or when) to come out to my siblings. My brother is 13, and looks up to my 18-year-old sister. My sister has treated me like less than a human being for my entire life, probably from deep jealousy that started when I was born, and I’m finally letting go of the belief that if I tried hard enough, she would show any emotion resembling love toward me. She’s leaving in the spring, and if I came out to her before that, she would probably out me to our school, and subsequently our town.

“My town has a population of 400, with less than thirty people in my high school and with two other students in my grade. I’ve lived here my whole life, and have despised it for just as long. I need to transition as soon as possible, and the only way I can think of to do that is to move to a big city, and since I’m a minor, I can’t just go and get an apartment and a job in Portland and start testosterone on my own.

“I feel guilty about wanting to ask my family if we can move, since I only have a year and a half of high school left. I also don’t want to put them through a lot of stress if I ended up coming out in this town, which is what I would need to do if I had to spend my senior year here.

“So, do you have any advice for getting my brother on my side, without him getting thrown into the middle of differing opinions within my family?

“How can I convince my parents that living this female lie is so debilitating that I can’t keep it up for even another year, and if I had to stay in this town, I would probably sink into a very deep, deep depression?

“And this isn’t as important, but I’ll ask it anyway: do you think me acting masculine on some days and effeminate on others would confuse them, or that they would have a harder time believing I’m male?”

First I would like to say that I have never known a family that picked up and moved because their teenage child asked them to. Maybe it’s my generation, but my parents would not have even paid attention to such a request. Your parents are probably settled, with jobs, a house, and a life where they are, so I can’t imagine them moving because you ask them to. Again, times might be different now or your family might be different. But I wouldn’t count on them moving. Continue Reading »

Posted in Ask Matt, Expression, Family, Gender, Transition | Tagged , , | 4 Comments »

Ask Matt Double Header

February 17, 2014 by Matt Kailey

Today we have some interesting letters. The first is from a person whose parents have responded inappropriately to things in the past, and he is concerned about coming out to them as trans. The second is about reclaiming language for use in your own identity. In my answer, I give my three criteria for language reclamation.

As always, I hope to hear reader thoughts and opinions on both of these issues, and I thank you for reading. I’m getting a little bit behind again, so those who have written, stay tuned. I am doing my best to get caught up. Thanks for your patience.

Posted in Uncategorized |

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