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Question MarkA reader writes: “I’d like to know what you and your readers think of a recent situation I was in.

“I am converting to Judaism. I have been going to a Reform shul (LGBTQ friendly) and recently met with the assistant rabbi to talk about converting and what I will need to do. During our in-depth conversation, in which I admitted that I am trans, the rabbi asked me my assigned-at-birth name. I told him that question is the only one I won’t answer because it is never relevant.

“The rabbi told me that I needed to be ‘open and honest’ and maybe that shul is not a good fit – that maybe I am not serious about converting because knowing the context of a rabbi/congregant relationship, I couldn’t be ‘honest and open.’ So I told him my assigned-at-birth name (which is not my legal name, by the way.)

“I left the meeting in tears. I left the meeting angry. I left the meeting wondering if he’s now going to look at me and think of my birth name, of who I was and not who I am.

“If it were you, how would you have used that moment to teach him that his question was inappropriate and irrelevant? What resources would you point out to him (Transgender 101) so that he never does that to another trans person?”

I am usually pretty laid back, but this situation makes me angry on so many levels. I see this as not only a personal violation by a person in a position of authority and trust, but as a violation of the trans community – just as when any other LGB”T” or LGB”T”-friendly organization adds the “T” to the end of their letters and thinks that covers it, yet they know nothing about trans issues. What happened to you is the opposite of trans-friendly.

However, I don’t know much about Judaism (or any religion, for that matter), so I don’t know what the “honest and open” expectation actually is. Is everything in your private life subject to the rabbi’s investigation? If you refuse to answer any question he asks about any aspect of your life, are you not being open and honest enough for the shul’s requirements?

I can’t imagine that this is possible, but again, I’m not sure. You probably know better than I do what the “honest and open” thing means, but I would be concerned about what other irrelevant matters he thinks are important enough to harass you about. Continue Reading »

Today we have two Ask Matts – one dealing with metoidioplasty, and the other with starting a new year of school with a new gender presentation. I hope readers will add their always-helpful insights and experiences in the comments section for either or both.

Also, please check out my newest book, My Child is Transgender: 10 Tips for Parents of Adult Trans Children. This is a short (30 pages), informative guide with ten essential tips for the parents or guardians of transitioning adult children. It is currently available only in Kindle format, but anyone with a computer, tablet, or smart phone can access it. Just download the free Kindle app from amazon.com to your device. It’s quick and easy. This book is the first in the “10 Trans Tips” series. Others to follow include tips for employers, coworkers, partners, service professionals, medical personnel, and therapists.

As I always say, if you like it, please review it on amazon. If you don’t, forget we ever had this conversation.

Question MarkA reader writes: “I’m sixteen and a closet FTM. None of my friends know, but when I return to school after this summer, I really want to present as male.

“I’m going to counseling, but it’s going very slowly (I’ve only managed to get two appointments so far), and I haven’t been diagnosed with GID yet. I’m almost positive I have it though. I feel like a boy.

“So I was wondering: Do you have to be diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder before coming out to everyone?”

The short answer is: No, you don’t have to be diagnosed with GID before coming out. You know who you are and you know how you want to live, so if you want to come out as trans and live and present as male, you can do that at any time.

Now the long answer (you knew it was coming):

I don’t know your living situation and whether or not you are living with your parents. If you are living with a parent(s) or guardian(s), you will probably need to come out to that person or those people before you begin presenting as male. If your appearance is changing at all – clothing, hairstyle, and so on – they will obviously notice that and will want an explanation. So that will probably be your first order of business.

Also, if you intend to return to a school that you have previously been attending as female, you will need some backing from your parents. It’s possible that school personnel will not be as cooperative as you might envision. There will be issues with restroom use, gym class, and your new name and pronoun.

Depending on the school and its policies, it is quite possible that they will not honor your requests to be treated as male, particularly without your parents’ backing. If you intend to live as male when you return to school, you and your parents should meet with the principal and guidance counselor prior to the school year to devise a plan on how this will all work. If you just show up at school and tell your teachers you want to be called by a male name and referred to by male pronouns, it is likely to fall flat. This type of thing takes some advance planning. Continue Reading »

Question MarkA reader writes: “This may be more of a technical question regarding lower surgery, but maybe someone will know the answer to this. Those of us on T know that the clitoris starts to grow and become more of a neophallus.

“For those of us who would eventually like to have genital surgery, specifically a meta, is there a minimum amount of growth required before that is possible? Does it matter if you are a ‘grower’ and not a ‘shower’? Does DHT cream actually help with growth?

“I know that genetics and hormones plays a role in all of this and each individual is different, but my inquiring mind wants to know.”

Back in my day (I have waited so long to be able to say “Back in my day,” and now I’m old enough to do it), I was told that most surgeons recommended a minimum length of about one inch for what they considered a “successful” metoidioplasty. Since then, things have changed, and just about every aspect of female-to-male surgical intervention has improved.

That said, there are some limitations. The more growth you have, the more satisfactory the surgery result might be for you. And according to Dr. Toby Meltzer, one surgeon who does these procedures, a certain amount of growth is required for urethral lengthening, which allows you the ability to stand and pee. Continue Reading »

Question MarkA reader writes: “I’m gender queer and I’ve recently come across quite a bit of inconsiderate behavior lately aimed towards cisgender people (on sites such as Tumblr).

“As gender queer, I’m stuck in the middle of these moments because I can understand where both parties are coming from, but I also understand that hosting negative emotions and propagating hate isn’t progressive or helpful to anyone.

“In these situations I find it difficult to voice my thoughts because of my gender queer identity. Some trans* folks don’t seem to treat my perspective as insightful or worth listening to, and I suspect that it’s because of my mostly cis-appearance.

“I don’t support the ignorant and often rude interactions that can come from the cisgender community towards the transgender community, but at the same time I recognize that responding out of spite, anger or hate is not typically an effective way of enlightening people. Any resources, advice, or direction will be incredibly appreciated.”

I have a couple of thoughts on this, and I’m sure that readers will have more. The Internet has been an absolutely invaluable tool for allowing members of various diverse communities to find each other, and it has also allowed those communities to express their frustration at the marginalization that they are feeling in the larger society.

This has been extremely positive for those people who are feeling isolated and discriminated against, with nowhere to unload this burden. But it has also resulted in a lot of arguing, personal attacks, and hatred being spewed out in everyone’s general direction.

The anger is natural. Marginalized groups have every reason to be angry at the discrimination that they continue to face and the roadblocks they continue to encounter as they try to live their lives. The difference is that now they have somewhere to publicly direct that anger. It can be very cathartic and necessary, but it can also result in misunderstandings and it can serve to alienate the very people – the people in power – who are in a position to help alleviate some of that marginalization. Continue Reading »

I just got back from a much-needed and all-too-short vacation, and my brain is still on the trip. Therefore, I am presenting an excerpt from Teeny Weenies and Other Short Subjects, written when I was not so exhausted. Remember, Teeny Weenies is available in paperback, e-book, and Kindle format.

Putting the Men in Menopause

Shortly after I turned fifty, I started to perspire. It wasn’t the glowy dew that I had produced as a female and it wasn’t the labor-intensive, manly sweat that I like to think comes naturally to a hard-working, macho man who sits behind a desk and types for a living. It started at the top of my head and crept its way down, as if I had slowly stepped into a sauna, head first and then body part by body part, activating sweat glands that I didn’t even know I possessed, until I was left soggy and soaking, my clothes tattooed to my sticky, wet body. It was nature turning a hose on me as if I were some hormone-crazed dog.

This happened whether I was sitting on a blanket in the sun or directly in front of an air-conditioner turned on at full blast. It happened in bed and it happened on the street. It took me a while to realize that not every place I went was mysteriously undergoing random temperature fluctuations. This was internal – my own personal global warming.

The worst thing about these episodes was that they had a scary emotional component that often went with them. This part happened primarily at night, when things are scarier anyway, when I already found myself lying awake for hours wondering what hideous rare disease I was going to die from, how I was going to pay my bills until that time, and what exactly was going to happen to me when the universe stopped expanding and started to fold back in on itself.

As I pondered these things, a new and unfamiliar feeling crept over me – one of imminent dread and doom, as if something were horribly wrong right at that moment and I just didn’t know about it yet. Maybe the universe was folding in on itself already, and it would all get back to where I was before the flesh-eating-mad-cow-avian-flu caught up to me.

Then, within a minute or five, the wave of heat began moving down my body, inch by inch, or sometimes millimeter by millimeter. I could feel it beginning at the roots of my hair, creeping down my face and neck, across my chest, down my stomach and legs, and out the bottoms of my feet. Then it was all over, leaving a trail of sweat, and a resulting chill, in its wake. It was so powerful an experience that, even when I had managed to fall asleep in spite of all the worldly threats out there, it woke me up to lie shivering in my own perspiration. Continue Reading »

Question MarkA reader writes: “I’m a trans man who has been on T coming up on two years. I don’t have a sex drive. I got a slight taste of it for two weeks in the beginning, then it went away for a few months, then returned for two weeks again – but then went away again. I can’t understand why I am missing out on this experience!

“This isn’t really the kind of question you expect, but I thought since you no doubt hear from lots of TBoys, maybe you have heard something like this before, and how I might fix it. It’s really, really getting me down.”

Sex drive is an interesting phenomenon, particularly in the trans man community, because you hear so much about it. Both estrogen and testosterone seem to affect it, but there are many other factors, as well.

The problem is that taking testosterone tends to significantly increase sex drive for so many trans guys that those who don’t experience that can feel left out and/or “abnormal.”

The reality is that sex drive varies a great deal in individual people, both men and women, but because it is so highly valued for men in so many cultures, we rarely hear from the men – trans or non-trans – who do not have a strong sex drive. And if we do hear from them, they are often misrepresenting their sex drive in an attempt to fit in, be “manly,” or be “normal,” so we are not aware of their numbers.

In the United States, and in many other countries and cultures as well, a strong sex drive is considered a “masculine” attribute and is prized and rewarded almost everywhere, from college fraternities to Congress. Men with strong sex drives are praised, while, even today, a strong sex drive in women is frequently discouraged.

I don’t know who society thinks these men are supposed to have sex with, because we certainly don’t want them having it with other men, but nevertheless, the paradox continues, the expectations continue, and even men who aren’t all that interested in having sex with anyone are not going to admit it for fear of social repercussions. Continue Reading »

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