Today we have to Ask Matt questions that really need reader input. One is a question for questioning people and the other is about life insurance (which I have no experience with at all). So I’m hoping that readers can shed some light on these questions for our writers.
As always, thank you in advance for reading and for any help that you might be able to offer. You are fantastic!
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A reader writes: “Asking this question on behalf of all the questioning folks out there: If you’re comfortable sharing, what all have you identified as on your gender journey? And what times (if any) were particularly tough/confusing?”
Questioning gender can be very difficult, although it’s not as hard, I would think, as it was way back when, when there was just one model or “blueprint” to choose from, and everyone was expected to go down a prescribed path – if they fit the established criteria.
At least now, there are different options and alternatives available, and information is out there for almost everyone in almost every situation. But that comes with its own set of problems.
I can’t say that I personally was ever questioning my gender – at least not in the sense that we talk about it today – because I was sure for over forty years that I was a girl/woman. I didn’t think that was what I was supposed to be, but I thought that was the way it was and that there was nothing I could do about it. I didn’t know that there was anyone else like me, and I didn’t know that what I was experiencing had a label and was an actual identified “thing.”
Once I discovered that, there was again very little questioning involved, because I knew what I was going to do – transition and live as a man. I would say that my questioning came in after I started transition and found that I wasn’t really fitting what I considered to be the “standard man” mode. That’s when, thanks to my therapist, I adopted the permanent label of trans man, and I have not changed that since.
So my gender identity went from girl to woman to man (for a very brief time) to trans man. And that is where it has stayed. And the most confusing time for me was as I said above – when I didn’t really feel like I fit as a “man,” and I wasn’t sure what that meant or where I could go from there.
But I had a lot of models to look at, because I knew, when I found out what “transgender” was, that I would transition, I had learned to use the Internet by then, and I was able to see lots of guys who might have identified as men or who might have identified as trans men, but who were out and visible and who I could relate to. Continue Reading »
Posted in Ask Matt, Observations | Tagged gender, gender expectations, gender identity, identity | 16 Comments »
A reader writes: “I’m curious if, as a trans woman, I would be considered ‘higher risk’ with regard to life insurance than a non-trans woman, or would be expected to calculate my risks/premiums as male rather than female.
“And if I were to die suddenly, could my policy be nullified because of some trans-specific loophole that allowed the insurance company to claim fraud?
“I know I should call an insurance agency to ask these questions, but I’m trying to see what’s already known in the community first; cold-calling companies to ask about their trans policies tends to be quite the headache, what with the awkward silences, the long hold times, and the endless phone tag follow-up (I’ve experienced similar confused responses when asking companies about other matters of transgender “policy”).
“I was hoping you’ve encountered this issue already or know someone who can point me in the right direction with my questions.”
This is definitely a question for the readers, as I know nothing about life insurance. I have no one to leave anything to (and nothing to leave if I did). There must be quite a few readers out there who have life insurance policies, and I’ve probably even got some insurance experts as readers, so I hope that someone can shed some light on this.
Anyone out there have any thoughts or experience? Thanks in advance!
Posted in Ask Matt | Tagged being trans, health, legal | 11 Comments »
A reader writes: “I am a 24-year-old transgender girl. I started transition about a year and a half ago, with one month in between where I had major doubts and confusion about my life.
“I have asked myself, am I doing the right thing? Am I really transgender? Maybe I am just fooling myself. Should I simply live a life male and cross dress? But the one question that sent me down a spiraling hole of regret was, and is, ‘Am I betraying my mother and father by transitioning?’
“I will likely – probably never – produce a baby, a grandchild, for them. During that frightful time of transition, I was reviewing this over and over, going through a bout of depression and into dark places. I felt like a fraud, that somehow I had an innate obligation to father a child for my parents or whichever wife I would have married.
“To a degree I still feel this way, and I don’t know if this will ever go away. I don’t know if I will ever accept not becoming the paradigm of a son. So maybe I’m looking for your viewpoint on this by writing such a question for you, because all I really have is my own perspective.”
My mother always used to say that the only thing children owe their parents is to outlive them. I’m not sure that this is true, but I do believe that children do not owe their parents grandchildren.
In Western culture, and probably others as well, there is a specific “life timeline” that society has established, and it appears that, over many decades, it has not wavered. We are supposed to grow up, get some type of schooling or training, get a job, get married, have children, raise those children, retire, then die, hopefully leaving some money and a few halfway decent possessions to our children.
This has been so ingrained into our very being by everything that we see around us that we assume this is the natural way of things and that anything else is unnatural and even deviant. Things are changing, but they haven’t changed enough to rid us of this particular expectation, and of the guilt that goes along with not falling into step.
This blueprint for life benefits society. It keeps us focused on our own personal timeline, it keeps us productive at work, it keeps a lot of people employed (many at relatively low wages), and it keeps us from rabble rousing by coming up with other possibilities for ourselves. Continue Reading »
Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, Observations | Tagged family, gender expression, gender roles, trans women, transition | 7 Comments »
A reader writes: “I’m 18 years old and have lived under the assumption that I was a cisgendered female – identified as lesbian, never really felt dysphoric about myself beyond maybe a vague envy for the male body, feeling ‘off’ as a woman, a few times being curious about how ‘the other half lived,’ etc. Certainly didn’t hate being a woman, didn’t feel like I was trapped in the wrong body for the most part – until about two weeks ago.
“I was doing some research about a trans* character I was going to include in a story and throughout my research, a few bells rung. ‘Hormone therapy? You mean people can actually take hormones and develop the body they want?’ Well, I began to wonder – am I really a woman?
“And it all hit me, at once. Every doubt I’d had about being a woman, about being a man – all came to light. I’ve been worrying about my gender obsessively for the past two weeks or so, hardly eating, hardly sleeping. I mean, sure, even cisgendered people question their gender – but this much?
“I wonder if I’d be happier as a man, if I’d have a better future, and I can honestly see it. But I wonder if it’s all just a phase and I’ll wake up one morning, realize I was wrong and go back to be being cisgendered without question.
“The reason I’m writing to you is this: Is there any way to know for certain what your identity is, or is it just what feels right at a given time?”
What you are describing is not as uncommon as you might think. Let’s start with the last part first:
Most people do know for certain what their gender identity is, and the way they know is that they just know.
I personally believe that gender identity is innate – that you are born with it. It can change, but it can’t be changed. And there are quite a few people who are absolutely certain that they are a man, a woman, both, or neither.
There are other people who define and live out their identity by what feels right at any given time. But this is also a gender identity – it is just a fluid one. And I believe that this fluidity is also innate and that most people who identify as gender fluid, genderqueer, or bigender are also certain about this. Continue Reading »
Posted in Advice, Ask Matt | Tagged being trans, gender identity, identity, trans men | 12 Comments »
Today we have a couple of letter related to “male” appearance and expression. I now turn it over to the writers.
A reader writes: “I was looking back on an old post where you stated trans guys all ‘pass’ after x amount of time on testosterone.
“I have now been on T seven years. I have changed my documentation. I have a baritone voice. I still occasionally get read as female. This seems to occur more when I am in queer-friendly spaces, and if it happens where I can respond, I simply correct people and say, ‘It’s sir, actually’ or something similar.
“I think it’s important that trans men realize that sometimes you can do things ‘right’ (have a deep voice, act masculine, etc.) and your transition might still take a long, long time.”
It’s true. I have said in the past that, in general, trans guys will not be mistaken for female within a year or two of starting testosterone. And I think this is true for most trans guys – but there will always be exceptions. Transition is a process, not a product, and hormones are going to affect everyone differently.
Some people’s bodies just don’t process hormones in a “typical” or expected way. For some, the genetics just aren’t there for the physical changes that allow for complete assimilation as a “traditional” male (or female).
For me, I have had to accept the fact that I will be “ma’amed” at least 50 percent of the time on the telephone and at drive-thrus. I hate it, but I don’t think that it will ever change. I don’t have a super-deep voice, but it’s not the deepness that is the problem – it’s the inflection or modulation. My voice is all over the place – up, down, and very expressive.
That is a “female” trait in our culture. I’ve tried the monotone thing, but I have to concentrate too hard, and if I’m not thinking about it, I revert right back. So that’s my annoyance, but it is minor. Continue Reading »
Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, Information, Observations | Tagged bodies, gender expression, hormones, masculinity, testosterone, trans men | 14 Comments »
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Readers: What Would You Be Happy Never to Hear Again?
April 22, 2013 by Matt Kailey
It sounded like a fascinating exercise, so I decided to try it out here. You don’t have to be trans to participate. Regardless of what group or groups you belong to or identify with, I would love to hear in the Comments section what questions, phrases, or comments you could happily live the rest of your life without ever hearing again.
As a trans person, my top one would be “You’re so brave.” A close second is “I would have never guessed (that you were trans).” Don’t worry if you’ve ever said these things to me. I’m not upset. But I would get along just fine if I never heard them again.
And I have one more that has nothing to do with being trans. As an old(er) person, my number one would be “You’re not old!” Yes, I am.
I love being old, and I say it quite a bit: “Well, I’m old, so I remember that” or “The good thing about being old is that you don’t have to worry about that” or “I’m old, so I didn’t grow up with the Internet.” Then someone (always much younger) will say, “You’re not old!” – as if being old were a bad thing. It’s not. It’s way better than you think.
So let me be old. You’ll like it when you get here, too.
Readers, this post is short because I want to hear from you. What would you be happy never to hear again as long as you live?
Posted in Commentary, Observations | Tagged being trans, etiquette, language | 64 Comments »