The first time I was approached by a “transsensual,” I was at an FTM (female-to-male, for those of you new to trans issues) conference and very new to the business of transition. I had no idea that there were non-trans women who specifically sought out trans men as partners.
Over the course of the past 12-plus years, I have come to meet several of these women and to understand a little bit behind the thought process, even though the reasoning does not always hold up under the glare of the reality spotlight.
Women who seek out trans man partners often claim to prefer a partner who has had some female experience in his life. Such a man might be more understanding of the particular difficulties that women face. He might be more open to talking, to listening, and to forming an equal partnership than a non-trans man socialized to be dominant and controlling. He might be more patient and skilled in the bedroom, because he might have a better understanding of a woman’s body. There are other reasons as well — each woman, like each trans man, is different.
All these things about trans men may or may not be true. It depends on the guy. Some of the most chauvinistic men I know are trans, as are some of the most ardent feminists. One size does not fit all.
On the flip side, I have run into several non-trans men seeking trans women as partners. This particular search tends to have more overtly sexual overtones — but not always. One such man told me that he thought trans women were nicer and sweeter than non-trans women. I could introduce him to a few who could dispel that notion pretty quickly.
But in both cases, I have found some trans people who are intrigued by the possibility of someone looking specifically for a trans partner and others who are completely put off by the idea. Is trans attraction a preference — or a fetish? There is a very fine line.
We all have preferences in our attractions. Where they come from is anyone’s guess. Why does one man prefer blondes (or blonds) and another prefer a partner with dark hair? Why does one woman pursue men (or women) who are tall and another go after those who are short? What makes us look across a room at someone and say, “I’m in love,” while our best friend looks at the same person and says, “Bow wow!” It’s a preference.
I can’t tell you why tall, blond surfer boys don’t do it for me, but a dark, brooding intellectual with glasses is just my type. But when do glasses … or dark, brooding intellectuals … or even blond surfer boys turn from a preference to a fetish?
None of us wants to be objectified. None of us wants to think that a person is with us because of some characteristic over which we have no control. And none of us wants to think that we are interchangeable with anyone else who might possess that same characteristic. And I think that’s where the line might be drawn.
My dark, brooding intellectual with glasses might ask, “Are you with me because I wear glasses? If I got contacts, would you stay? If some other dark-haired guy with glasses walks into your field of vision, is he equal to me in your eyes? Does anyone with glasses qualify?”
If a person is no longer a person, but merely a set of glasses, a pair of breasts, a specific configuration of genitalia, or a particular fantasy that has been created around an idea or a misconception about what a certain group of people is like, then the attraction/fetish line has been crossed.
Personally, I’m not particularly offended by someone who is specifically interested in dating trans men. To me, that’s a preference.
But since no two trans men are alike, that person might have to go through quite a few before he or she finds one who is compatible. If compatibility isn’t an issue, then we might have a little fetish thing going on here. So just don’t ask me to wear my glasses to bed.
I’ve just discovered your blog and have read exactly 2 of your musings. In both, you categorically stated that ‘nobody wants to be objectified’. Presuming you mean sexually, the answer is: “Wrong, wrong, and wrong!”
As a 59 yr old, 6’3″, 270 lb male T-type, I would dearly have LOVED to have been sexually objectified, either as a male or, preferably, as a female! It hasn’t happened yet, and, most likely, never will.
Until very recently, for the last 45-46 years of my life, I’ve identified myself as a TV, because that is what I was labeled as by a shrink, so very long ago. But lately, I’ve come to the conclusion that I was/am, in reality, an incomplete, better yet, malformed TS. Please allow me to explain.
When I took my first tentative steps into dressing in female clothing (my mother’s—she was the only female in the house anywhere close to me in size), I was deeply disturbed, horrified even, that I got erections. I knew, courtesy of having been taught to change the diapers of several of my younger brothers and sisters, that females didn’t have the equipment to form biggish lumps in their panties. And I didn’t want them; I wanted to appear to be as female as possible. When I later discovered the unique joys of masturbation, I eventually incorporated the activity into my dress-up sessions, originally to make the erections go away, with the incidental side effect of orgasms.
As I realized that my dressing up felt right, made me feel complete, I began to fantasize about having my own wardrobe, one that I could keep, one that actually fit me, via the clothing catalogs mom had delivered to the house. At first, the sizing conventions flummoxed me, until I very soon discovered that those same catalogs had sizing charts, with body size measurements associated with those self-same sizes. Unfortunately, being somewhat obtuse, I made no allowance for my altogether fictional breasts in measuring myself and determining my female sizes.
Even so, I altogether too quickly discovered that the clothing I was most interested in, the clothing specifically marketed to (other) teenage females, was not available, as far as I could discover, in sizes that I could wear. True, there was clothing advertised in those catalogs that were in sizes that I could get into, if not actually fit into, but it was for much older females than I was, and not particularly attractive, for the most part.
As I absorbed this information, I began to realize, without knowing I was doing so, that my opportunities to dress myself as my self, were going to be severely limited, especially as I was just starting my teenage growth spurt. And, since at that point in my life, I had absolutely no interest in allowing anyone to know that I even liked to dress up, those opportunities were even more limited than I already didn’t know.
And, at that point, my harmless little hobby was discovered and I was sent to see a psychiatrist, with whom I could barely allow myself to communicate, and HE determined, from what little I told him and what he was informed of via others, that I was a transvestite, which, according to him, was fairly, if not commonly, normal.
I realize NOW that I wasn’t a TV, that I was on the path to TS, but, having been identified as TV by an expert (allegedly) and recognizing that the clothing I
wanted for my self was NOT available, I subconsciously shelved much of my incipient behavior trends and future interests by adapting to what I was told I was/would be.
It wasn’t until I was in my mid-to-late 30s that I discovered that there was teenage clothing available in sizes I could get into then and thus was, in all likelihood, for sale when I WAS a teenager. But by then, of course, it was too late for me , much less my teenage self.
So yeah, unlike you, I certainly would have enjoyed being SOMEONE’s sex object at least once in my life. Especially so, if it was as a (pseudo) female!
I don’t necessarily oppose all objectification – if, as you say, the person being objectified wants that. There are sexual situations where objectification is the intent and is what both or all parties desire.
Thanks for reading and for providing another point of view.
Wow,
This is the second article of yours that I’ve read the first was the one about the ftm and mtf couple having a difficult time with bedroom practices.
I’m a bi gg who happens to be predominatly attracted to mtf. I’ve often questioned myself to whether I am a lesbian in denial or an extreme fetishist. I don’t think It’s a fetish because I more relationship oriented instead of just seeking out hook ups. However due to many reasons I have only been in relationships with cis men (although many of them were very feminine by most people’s standards)
I’m currently in a relationship with someone who bounces between being tg and being a crossdresser. For the most part this is by far the most fullifilling relationship I have ever been in. Not only sexually but because this person is awesome and I feel we are both on the same page.
However sometime in bed I do feel slightly frusterated because I feel like ultimately we revert to traditionall male/ female sexual intercouse and I would like to feel more like we are two women having sex.
Anyway just wanted to say great article! I have had a really hard time finding others who can relate. It’s nice to read your stuff it makes me feel less alone.
Thanks for reading. We have a great group of readers and commenters here, so hopefully you will find some stuff that interests you and helps, and you will not feel so alone. The good thing about the readers here is that there are so many different experiences, so you really get to see a lot of perspectives from reading the comments. Glad you like it!
Sorry I’d also like to note that I have had sex with many cis women and not just talking about some lesbian fantasy sex.
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[...] Kailey has written a couple of posts about people with trans attractions and the fine line between preference versus fetish, where trans people can be either sexualized or considered [...]
I’ve found it interesting that I have been fetishized by a person who is a mtf chaser, and I am a feminine ftm. Though it appeared that I was dealing with a person who liked bodies they perceieved to be ‘in the middle’ somehow, and I don’t necessarily judge that out of hand, it felt so fetishistic to me that I felt like running in the other direction.
Though I sympathize somewhat with people, like this gentleman, who are attracted only to bodies that they percieve to have mixed sex characteristics (breasts and a penis, for example) and can therefore rarely find suitable partners, I still felt that I was being courted because of my identity and body only, and that I was completely interchangeable.
A note about objectification….(Not directed to anyone in particular, though a particular post did spur what I want to say.)
If every day you walked out the door, people saw only the surface of you, (visual attractiveness.) I highly doubt in the long run you would be pleased with it. Sure, at 1st it is fun, and empowering to be perceived as so sexy and be envied by others. But, most likely sooner or later your going to want to be seen as a person. And if your looking for someone just for the night, someone to date, or someone to spend the rest of your life with, you may find yourself wondering every single time you meet someone, “How does this person see me?” “Are they interested because of my _______(Fill in the blank.)Or is there something more? Could something more develop? Being treated like a piece of meat can be fun in a roleplay context or an aspect in a negotiated relationship, or even when just looking for a night’s fun. But it gets old.
I am a genderfluid leaning femme who is attracted to Masculine of Center individuals, though generally speaking not including cisgendered males. The masculine aspect is just 1 of many things that could trigger an attraction to someone, though not a guarantee. There has to be more developed (Like an emotional connection, even a tenuous one.)For there to be a sustained attraction to that person.
Thanks for this article, Mr.Kailey. Much appreciated!
Sarah