For me, one prong of feminism is femininity. Until we are truly ready to not only accept, but to celebrate and elevate, what our culture considers the most “female” of characteristics, we will continue to suffer sexism, homophobia, and transphobia.
Yesterday, I talked about the delightful custom that we see in a binary gender system of dividing human characteristics into “male” or “female” categories, and then elevating the “male” characteristics and devaluing the “female” ones.
In reality, anyone can possess any combination of traits that we so handily separate into “male” and “female” or “masculine” and “feminine.” And all these characteristics have equal value — some are useful in some situations, and others are useful in others.
But the deep-rooted disdain for femaleness in general has caused us to denigrate so-called “feminine” characteristics, and to devalue anyone, male or female, who possesses them — and this, in my opinion, is what leads to sexism, homophobia, and transphobia.
> Sexism is an obvious outcome of this circumstance. Women are considered second-class citizens. As a result, the work that they do is considered less valuable and is compensated at a lesser rate. Bearing and raising children is not compensated at all, and other provisions for caring for those children, such as available, affordable, quality day care, is not provided. Public safety is not guaranteed. In order to rise to certain levels in mainstream society, women are expected to emulate certain characteristics that are considered “male,” and therefore desirable.
I could go on, but I don’t need to, because this is so deeply ingrained in our culture that I think everyone is pretty familiar with it. The problem is that it is so deeply ingrained that some very feminine people — both female and male — completely reject the feminine aspects of themselves and others. And women have used the argument that “we’re just like men” in order to gain any semblance of recognition and power in our culture, which just serves to elevate the male standard to an even loftier position — reinforcing the desirability of maleness and “male” qualities, instead of fighting for the recognition of “female” ones.
> Homophobia, in my opinion, is also directly related to our devaluation of women and the feminine. The stereotype of a gay man incorporates so-called “effeminate” or hyper-”feminine” behaviors that very few women actually display. And even the most “masculine” gay men — those who reflect the behaviors that our society has deemed appropriate and favorable — remain discriminated against because they still display behaviors that society associates with women — loving and having sex with men.
And if a gay man mistakenly approaches a straight man — “hits on” him — the straight man sometimes feels justified in responding with violence. Why not just say no? Women do it all the time. But that’s exactly the issue. The flirtation has put the straight man in a vulnerable social position — a “female” social position — which he feels compelled to reject with violence in order to maintain his “male” standing.
Lesbianism is acceptable when the concept becomes fodder for what straight men consider “lesbian porn,” but a real-life lesbian who has “rejected” the obviously desirable man sometimes needs to be taught a violent lesson.
> Transphobia, again in my opinion, is also a direct outcome of society’s attitudes toward women. As an astute reader pointed out yesterday, many non-trans men simply cannot understand why someone born male would transition to female. They have no desire to understand the dynamics behind gender transition. They only see a person with power and privilege giving up that power and privilege — and that becomes a threat. When a male individual is willing to give up his privileged place in the food chain, maybe that place isn’t so great after all. Maybe that place is just a little shaky. Maybe any man is at risk of losing his footing. And maybe anyone who reminds him of that also needs to be taught a violent lesson.
Some people might surmise that a female-to-male transition might be more acceptable to society — after all, who wouldn’t want to be a man? (I have actually had this said to me.) But in reality, this transition, too, can be met with hostility: “You’re not really a man. You can’t be a man without a penis. You’re just a woman pretending to be a man.” A female-born individual simply cannot be in that position of male power and is a threat to it.
This is a very simplistic overview of how I see sexism, homophobia, and transphobia. And of course, not all men (or women) in positions of power are sexist, homophobic, or transphobic.
Rather than speaking about individuals, I am referring to the power structure of society at large, and how the feminine fits into that power structure — which it doesn’t, really … at least not very well.
And I think it needs to. In my opinion, we will change the current power structure not by rejecting the feminine, but by recognizing, valuing, and incorporating it.
Separate but equal is not okay. Different but equal is.
Great post Matt – I used to have a lot of self-loathing, because I was somehow ashamed of my desire to be female. I am getting over that, but it’s been difficult. How did I absorb those messages that wanting to be female was somehow shameful, despite my conscious thoughts that greatly admired women, especially strong ones? And I wonder how I will feel when my loss of male privilege becomes obvious to me. I get amused when people in a meeting will defer to me, even when there are women in the meeting who have better ideas than mine.
I keep thinking through what our culture calls “feminine” traits, and trying to sort those things I want to build and those I want to reject (as with the masculine traits that are there also). And figuring out which of those are real and worth having. I still want to speak with a strong voice – I don’t like acting like I am weaker.
So, I wonder, if i choose a particular “feminine” stereotypical trait, like letting my tears come when I am emotional – am I just reinforcing stereotypes of women as weak? It’s really interesting and really hard.
It is really hard, because I write about and think about an idealistic world, and we live in the real one that exists now–the real one that says that tears are a sign of weakness, when, in fact, they are a legitimate emotional release that should be available to men and women without any negative connotations.
If men cry, they are considered weak, and if women cry, they are considered overemotional, out of control, AND weak. It is really hard and really unfortunate, and both men and women have been battling it for a long time.
I guess what we have to do is make the best decisions for our own survival in the world that we live in now, while trying to change it if we can. There’s not a real good answer.
But just like you said, you have to sort through all those things–the “masculine” and the “feminine” traits–and take the ones that work for you to be the kind of woman you want to be and are. Sometimes that’s the hardest thing.
But it’s a process. If you can find some joy and some fascination with the process, and feel like you are building and creating something for yourself and creating the person you want to be, then hopefully the struggles will be worth it.
Thanks for writing and for sharing a part of your life. I agree with you that it’s really interesting and it’s really hard.