The Maine Human Rights Commission appears to be pretty progressive. Recently, they ruled in favor of a transgender male-to-female student’s right to use the girls’ restroom at school.
And in May, they ruled in favor of a trans woman’s right to use the women’s restroom at a Denny’s restaurant.
Public restroom issues can get messy for trans people — but most public restrooms are pretty messy, anyway. It’s not like we want to hang out in there. We just want to take care of business and get on with life.
What I’m posting today is a section from my book, Just Add Hormones, that discusses the public restroom issue for trans people (thanks to Abigail Jensen for the link to the stories above).
From Just Add Hormones:
“For a newly transitioning transsexual, the public restroom is the closest thing to hell. I started sweating more when I started using testosterone, but I never sweat so much as I did when I had to use the restroom at a mall or restaurant at the beginning of my transition. Restrooms can be extremely problematic for trans and non-trans people alike.
Restroom use is probably the biggest single issue for a person transitioning on the job, and it’s a major discussion point in any trans support group. There are actually those who believe that trans people use the restroom in order to spy on others or to get some kind of sexual thrill. What most non-trans people don’t realize is that the bathroom can be a terribly frightening place for trans people and we usually want to get in, take care of business, and get out as quickly as possible. We have no interest in seeing or hearing what others are doing and we would rather not have anyone else see or hear what we’re doing.
Most trans people, especially those who are new to transition, would prefer not to use public restrooms at all. I’ve known trans people who have refused liquid all day in order to avoid the restroom. Trust me when I say that we are there for one purpose only, just like everyone else is, and that we have no ulterior motives.
This particular aspect of transition seems to be much harder on male-to-females. Trans men, once we get over our initial concerns about using a stall instead of the urinal, about which way our feet are pointing, and about what our urine sounds like when hitting the bowl, generally fare pretty well. I used to float toilet paper in the bowl to muffle the sound of liquid smacking into liquid, but I soon learned that everybody sounds about the same when they pee, that many men prefer to sit on the toilet even when they don’t have to, and that men in general try to pay as little attention as possible to other men in the restroom.
Smiling at the person standing next to you at the sink, so common among women when they are brought together by fate and a mutual biological need, can wreak havoc in the men’s room. It apparently signals only one thing, with two very different outcomes — an immediate date in an adjoining stall or a black eye, which was much more likely. Since I was neither a lover nor a fighter at the beginning of my transition, I learned to lose the smile and stop acknowledging the other men at all. Men are goal oriented, and in most public restrooms, there is only one goal.
So I taught myself to look straight ahead, take care of business, and get on with life, and I did just fine. Certainly there are major dangers for a trans man if his gender status is discovered — assault or rape come to mind — but after a few months on testosterone, most trans men arouse little suspicion, especially if they simply act as if they belong there. We do belong there, after all.
Trans women, on the other hand, can cause quite a calamity. A trans woman whose papers are not yet changed to reflect her new gender can risk arrest, and even those whose identification has been corrected can be subject to harassment and complaints from other female patrons. If a trans woman is especially tall or large, or in some other way stands out, she can quickly draw attention to herself.
It’s unfortunate that the general public is not yet educated enough in these issues to understand. A trans woman, regardless of her papers, can hardly use the men’s room in a dress and high heels. And even coworkers seem to turn what could be uneventful elimination into a major workplace upheaval. The truth is that sex and gender really don’t matter when fulfilling the basic urge to pee, and my advice to those who think we’re in the restroom for any other reason is: don’t flatter yourself.
A truly trans-friendly world would have unisex restrooms — not just here and there, but in every building that was required to have a restroom at all. There could still be men’s and women’s rooms for those stuffy people who define themselves by their genitalia, but a unisex restroom could solve a host of problems. The ones I have been in are usually just one room, with a sink, a toilet, and sometimes a urinal.
And they’re not just for transsexuals anymore — anyone who wants a modicum of privacy welcomes the single-occupant unisex bathroom, where the differently abled can find space and comfortable accommodations, where those who need to change clothes or colostomy bags can find refuge — even the pee shy appreciate the solitude. This doesn’t mean that all transsexuals will use the unisex restroom, even if it’s offered. And they shouldn’t have to. But it’s a great place for those whose papers don’t match their persona, or for those who just welcome a little extra privacy. And if non-trans people are terrorized by trans people in “their” bathroom, they could always use the unisex room as well.”
The U.S. is slowly adding unisex restrooms in various places–the operative word here is “slowly.” There are so many reasons for unisex bathrooms that have nothing to do with trans people, but we just aren’t the most progressive country out there. I just hope we evolve to that point eventually. But I’m not holding my breath.
The whole idea of gender-specific bathrooms is to me very strange. I actually never payed attention to it until I went to the UK for one semester, and realised there was NO unisex bathroom on campus. At all.
In Sweden you can usually find some unisex facilities if you look around, and they are ususally not that hard to find either. I guess it has something to do with people in Sweden being more relaxed about gender, and also the simple fact that it takes up less space making just one big room instead of two.
Plus, one thing: There has throughout the last 15 years or something been a number of fathers complaining about baby nursing facilities being placed in the women’s restroom. So when they build or refurbish restrooms they usually realise it’s easier to make it all unisex. And it just happens to be safer for trans people as well
Hi Matt
I’m one of those women who was a tomboy as a child and still scores as more male than female in psych tests. Having come to a comfortable place with my gender identity (happy being biologically female whilst acknowledging my inner man), I thought I knew where the dividing line was until I started reading bathroom advice for TGs. Apparently when it comes to the call of nature, I’ve been unconsciously and instinctively behaving like a man all these years (in, out, no eye contact – unless it’s someone I know and have reason to speak to) *lol*
I guess I still have a lot to learn!
BTW, the book looks great – I’ll recommend it to my FTM friend, if he doesn’t know about it already.
Redfox–thanks so much for the compliment on my book.
Bathroom behavior is a problem, because I was always smiley and conversational in the bathroom when I was a female. I learned quick not to be that way in the men’s room!
My only complaint about single stall unisex bathrooms is that most don’t have tampon/pad dispensers. It’s a small gripe, but it seems like cismen could handle having a tampon/pad dispenser in a unisex restroom. Some places even have unisex restrooms because men’s bathrooms don’t have diaper changing tables. Says something about our culture, I think…