I may not always agree with Dan Savage, but I love his advice column. And I was interested in his very to-the-point response to a recent letter.
The question was: Do “post-op” trans people have an obligation to tell their lovers “that they were once the other sex”?
Savage’s answer was: Yes.
I’ve never particularly cared for the terms “post-op,” “pre-op,” and “non-op,” but those aren’t Savage’s words, and that’s for another blog post.
And while there are probably quite a few people who are in a position not to have to tell their lovers, I’m certainly not. Unless my “lover” was satisfied with very little loving, he or she would know my birth sex in relatively short order (and I do mean short).
FTM surgical techniques have improved substantially over the years, but even for those guys who have had extensive genital surgery, it might be difficult to keep that fact from someone who wants to get very, very close. I don’t know, though — I’ve seen some really good results lately. But I’m pretty sure a gay man would figure it out.
My understanding is that MTF genital surgery provides a far better result in terms of appearance and functionality. Some women have told me that even their gynecologist can’t tell the difference. So some trans women might be in a better position to never have to come out to a lover.
But regardless of how great our genitals might look, it seems to me that this is a pretty monumental thing that we have gone through, and something that has some substantial implications for a potential partner — as well as for who we are.
I’m not necessarily talking about a one-night stand, although my own personal philosophy is to come out if it even appears that there might be physical intimacy — or even a second date — on the horizon. Yes, I risk rejection before a person has even gotten to know me, but people get rejected for all kinds of reasons — better, in my opinion, to know where the other person stands right away.
Personal safety is another reason that I am inclined to come out as soon as possible (some people can get pretty nasty when they get a surprise they don’t like).
Even more important, a truly intimate relationship involves a lot of give-and-take and a lot of sharing. If I’m hiding my entire past from someone, then how intimate is that relationship? If I have to say I was in the Boy Scouts instead of in the Girl Scouts, and to dismiss my two marriages (to men) and a host of other past realities, then what is that relationship based on?
And if I have to live every day of my life in fear that my lover might discover my past, how comfortable will I really be in that relationship? And what happens if my lover ever finds out? The results could be devastating for both of us.
I don’t need to tell a lover that I once had my gall bladder out (although I probably would, in case I was ever unable to speak for myself and that person needed to know my past health history — and, anyway, gall bladder surgery is always a great conversation starter).
But for him or her not to know that I lived more than half of my life as a female — well, that seems a little more serious. But then, I don’t have the option not to come out, and I know that many people do.
What do you think?
Thank you all for this great discussion and for so many points of view and life experiences. I hope it will continue. And thank you all for reading.
So much to take exception to here.
You say you spent half your life as female, I say I spent my entire life as one, half with surgically imposed changes made at birth. What possible obligation do I have to declare myself to someone something I never felt I was?
I worked for many years in direct care nursing as a STNA and have seen more genitals during that time than most people can imagine. You would not believe the variation within the so called norm-born.
I’ve decided to just forgo any future relationships. At sixty, I have little patience with bullshit especially about my medical past. It makes it simpler. My body and my past are mine…..there is no obligation to reveal anything, only my own choice to do so or not.
Gina, thanks – you make a really good point about telling potential partners what you view as the most important facts about yourself, especially when they’re only a potential partner – setting aside, of course, pre- and non-op folks, who often don’t have a real choice in the matter. For some people being trans is on that list and for others it isn’t, and choosing how to navigate a hostile world is one of those things that is too personal to make sweeping statements about.
What you tell a potential partner up front is what you view as the most important facts about yourself. Transsexuality is not the most important thing people need to know a bout me – it is not contagious nor is it a life threatening condition so no, I say ‘we’ don’t have an obligation to tell – no more than a non-transsexual has an obligation to tell of their full sexual history or of events that happened to them as a teenager.
For me (post-op woman, 15 years now,), I feel the need to tell is only when ‘a life together’ is becoming a possible reality. By this point in the relationship my partner has had a chance to get to truly know me – my soul, my heart, and my mind – so news of a medical condition that was corrected nearly two decades ago, will seem much more trivial in the scheme of things – which is exactly how I view it.
Granted, most of the men I’ve told have not responded well – they’ve left, plain and simple – they have ALL understood my reasoning for not telling sooner and agree that they’d have done the same thing. We may not have stayed together, but I maintained their respect and friendship, and they’ve all said they see me as female – not trans-female, t-girl, or any other ‘hyphen variant’.
Avy, you’re right–coming out does not guarantee safety and can have the opposite effect, so people need to be careful when, where, and to whom they come out.
The National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs has good information, so thank you for that link, Crystal. See Crystal’s comment, above.
There are many factors a trans person must weigh in deciding when and to whom to disclose gender identity, history, medical information, and genitals. These are sometimes very private and complicated things.
The assumption that we know what another person’s body looks like beneath their clothes is problematic in and of itself. And the belief that we are entitled to know (and many trans folks experience that entitlement from lots of people, not only the ones we sleep with) is also deeply flawed. Trans, intersex, and gender nonconforming people pay the price for other peoples’ assumptions about our bodies.
I do not believe I have the right to say when or to whom another human being should disclose deeply personal information about their identities and their body parts. I have no right to judge what that means for another person, or what that says about the level of intimacy of their relationships, or to write off ones decision as “deceitful.” I do not believe there is just one correct, universal answer to the question posed to Savage. And I certainly won’t let anyone else answer that question for me.
As for the issue of safety, disclosure or nondisclosure of trans identity at any stage of knowing someone is not a guarantee of safety. We are targeted and blamed if we are out and visible and we are targeted and blamed if we are private. We will be in a better place the day that trans, intersex, and gender nonconforming people are no longer held responsible for other peoples’ biases, assumptions, and violence against us.
But Marti, you think everyone should out themselves to everybody…remember Stealth is for Airplanes.
I’d encourage folks to check out safer online and general safer dating tips for LGBTQ people at http://www.ncavp.org. There is a specific section on pros/cons of outing yourself as trans to potential sex or intimate partners.
There is a difference in the definition of love for who and what someone may be, and what one may want someone to be. To be or not to be? One is about loving what yo want, and the other is about loving another because they simply are. True love is loving for the sake of love, with nothing expected in return; you just do! When that is held equally, then everything is on the table.
Doing what is safe is something that is reackoned with before love is an issue. As far the world, I am what I say I am!
Sam, that’s a good point–especially the “obligated” part. There is a difference between “should” and “obligated to.”
And there’s a difference between a one-night stand, where both parties understand that it is just that, and a long-term relationship.
For me, of course, and for many others, there really is no option but to eventually come out. When and how is an individual decision.
I’d really be interested in hearing from someone in a long-term relationship who has never come out to his or her partner, but that person likely does not read trans-focused blogs.
Thanks to everyone for their comments. I hope we get more on this one.
If it weren’t coming from Dan Savage, I’d be a lot more willing to agree.
I think it also depends a lot on how you’re defining “lovers” and “obligated”.
I think he’s (and you) are right. You really don’t have much of a relationship if you don’t share who you are with another person.
A funny Marci Bowers quote goes something like this: If your OB-GYN doesn’t know you’ve had SRS, you need to see another doctor.
But aesthetics aside, I think you’re being deceitful if you don’t.
As the legendary Dr. Sheila Kirk said to many MTF transsexuals, “If your gynecologist can’t tell your genitals were surgically created, you need to get a better gynecologist, and soon.”
Poppycock
In the UK even if you have gender reassignment done privately it’s on your record and will be referred in your history. You can look great but you still have to come clean about it when it’s relevant. Your DWP and Social security and CRB records all remain in your birth name despite having a female birth certificate.
Don’t fantaisise about stealth the reality is it’s much harder than you think.
As for a bf lie by all means he will always find out. I am so tired of transexuals lying that no one can tell. It’s simply not true from a size 8, 135lb reasonably passable female who had an intersex condition.
Unlike many I know from years of experience the realities of stealth in a society like Britain but to those who want to delude themselves whatever
I can always usually tell a fellow transexual if it isn’t by the bone structure or the over pristine hair, it’s the height or build and if it’s not that it’s the over inflated male ego that remains even after becoming a woman, eg I have a plane licence, I was a high powered businesswoman you can just pick up on the cues between genetic women and men who use transexualism to say they have a very high IQ
Please – get real and I am one of the best in the UK and Western Europe I don’t go round saying it though
Oh an for radical bitch yes there is no choice for you to say anything but I really don’t believe no one can ever tell, genetic women are very good at picking up minor vibes I do it all the time.
OH and yes don’t tell a bf but should he find out you could be dead it happens – silly silly woman
My advice for any post op pre and non op it’s harder post op it’s not easier neither even if you look reasonably good you need to find not only someone who respects you as a woman albeit a little different but who will be proud to be your friend / lover best not to go with men who think you are a freak show and I have had my fair share of them
Arrogant, self conceited guys usually bored in the marriage and with an over inflated ego and rather small or hideously large dick that no sane normal woman would go on
The moral of my ranting is – no one not even non trans is perfect even though the non trans people think you are abnormal and they are superior – sadly they are not !
[...] him: He’s called a politician trans as part of a disagreement, he’s said trans folks have an obligation to out themselves to partners, and (as I’ve said before) his admittedly pretty great It Gets Better Project nonetheless [...]