Matt Kailey

One of my commenters last week said something that really resonated with me. Although she’s not particularly bothered with being part of “you guys,” it becomes annoying to her when someone who knows her past uses the term casually and then, remembering her past, falls all over him- or herself to apologize or explain.

Something similar happened to me, and it was truly the apologizing that became the annoyance. I spend some time with a particular group of gay men who call each other “girl” and “she.” These are typical references for some men in the gay community. In the course of such a conversation, one of the men referred to me as “she.” It was in this context, and I knew exactly what he meant — he had never known me as a female and had never slipped up on pronouns. This was gay male conversation for this particular group.

I thought nothing of it, other than that I was being included as one of the “girls,” until he remembered that I was trans and then proceeded to launch into a lengthy explanation that I didn’t need because 1) I hadn’t taken offense, and 2) I already knew what he meant by it.

I have said this before, but I think it bears repeating: there are ways for non-trans people to handle legitimate slip-ups or legitimate non-slip-ups that don’t involve making a spectacle of you or me.

1. If “you guys” or “girl” or “she” was not a slip-up at all, then there’s no reason to apologize. Don’t treat me differently than you would treat someone else in the same situation.

2. If it was truly a slip-up, and by that I mean use of the wrong pronoun as an accident, then my suggestions are these:

If we are alone, say, “I’m sorry,” and let it go. Don’t apologize and apologize with the hope that I will respond and make you feel better. I probably will say, “That’s okay,” but I’m not going to keep saying that forever, so the conversation can go like this:

You: “I said to myself, ‘I’ll take these to Matt because I know she likes chocolate.’ Oh, I’m sorry — he.”

Me: “That’s okay.”

You: “Anyway, here’s your chocolate.”

Me: “Thanks.” And it’s over.

Now in my opinion, this does not apply in a group. In a group, there is no apology, no beating yourself up, no begging forgiveness. If you stop to apologize, you will end up outing the person you are apologizing to if others in the group do not know that this person is trans. The bigger deal you make, the worse it will be for me or whoever you have screwed up about.

In a group, you ignore it and move on. You find a way to use the correct pronoun as quickly as possible, but without making up some forced comment that allows you to use it. Use it when it comes naturally again in the conversation.

If someone else has noticed your slip-up and comments on it — “You just called Matt she!” — you can say, “Gosh, I’m more tired than I thought I was!”

Everyone can slip up. It’s how you handle it that shows whether or not you are more concerned about receiving absolution from me (or whoever) so that you can feel better, or if you are more concerned about maintaining both your dignity and mine in a social situation.

What do other people think?