Popular sportswriter Mike Penner was found dead in his home on November 27 and is believed to have committed suicide.
In 2007, Penner, who wrote for the Los Angeles Times, announced that he was transitioning to female and would write and live as Christine Daniels. He began a transition, detailed it on a blog, and continued as a sportswriter, apparently supported by his employers and his fans. About a year or so later, Daniels stopped her transition and began living and writing as Mike Penner again. Now he is dead.
Although I didn’t know Mike Penner at all, and I certainly have no idea of what caused him to take his life, being trans myself, I can make some educated guesses. I could be way off base. But Penner’s situation could, in fact, illustrate the “stuck factor” of being trans.
For most transsexual people, being able to transition makes all the difference. This is not a choice, but something that is absolutely necessary for their health, well-being, and, often, survival. However, while transition solves one problem, it can lead to a host of others, such as:
> Not being able to assimilate into new gender roles and expectations.
> Not being accepted as the man or woman that you have always been, but have now physically “become.”
> Experiencing constant discrimination or mistreatment, or watching others like you experience this and knowing that it could be your turn at any time.
> Living with the feeling that you are not “real” somehow or that you are living a lie.
Not all transsexual people experience these things, but some do. And some find, after transition, that the things they thought would happen, or the way they thought they would look, or the way they thought they would be treated, or the way they thought they would fit in did not become reality.
I don’t know why Mike Penner retransitioned or “went back,” but I do know other people who have done so. That’s the where the “stuck factor” comes in. You go back, but you’re still trans. Living in your assigned birth sex and gender may actually be easier because you know it so well, but you’re still trans. You still have the mind/body mismatch that caused you to transition in the first place. The pain does not go away.
The “stuck factor” means that, no matter which way you go, you’re kind of stuck. Even if you are able to fully assimilate physically, you still may not be completely comfortable in your new roles. Many of us have to “learn” these new roles, behaviors, and expectations, and some of us are better at adapting them than others. Some don’t care whether they fit in with the binary gender system’s expectations or not, but many do. And not being able to fit in when you want to can contribute to the “stuck factor.”
And if you are not able to fully assimilate physically, you must constantly live with the rude stares, the pronoun “slips,” the harassment on the street, and so on, while still having to adapt to new roles and expectations. So you must steel yourself to live in this way. Or you can consider “going back.” Either way, the “stuck factor” rears its ugly head.
And if you are a public figure like Mike Penner, no matter how you look or how well you are accepted in your “new” gender, you will always be out as trans.
While, for the majority of transsexual people, transition “works” — it alleviates the gender incongruity, it reduces or eliminates any depression or suicidal ideation, and it allows for a happier, healthier, more comfortable, and much more satisfactory life (and, in many cases, it allows life to continue) — it is certainly not the perfect solution.
The only “perfect” solution is to be born in a body and a gender that “match.” And, for trans people, that is an impossible solution. Transition is the closest thing to it. And that is part of the “stuck factor.” You are trans. This is the reality of the situation, no matter what you do about it.
Certainly, there are many people who transition and do not identify as trans anymore. They have made the medical corrections that were necessary and they have eliminated that problem.
But for many of us, the “stuck factor” will always be there. It’s simply a matter of how we decide to deal with it. I decided to deal with it by being openly trans and establishing a trans identity for myself. It has, for the most part, worked for me, but it certainly wouldn’t work for everyone.
If you have ever experienced the “stuck factor,” how have you dealt with it?
Great post. “Stuck” describes it pretty well. I’ve always suspected that those who claim complete assimilation into their preferred sex/gender aren’t being truthful with others or themselves.
No matter how little or how far we take our assimilation we will always be trans.
I’ve handled this stuck factor by living as the sex I wasn’t born as. It’s far from ideal because I didn’t quite openly where I live. My family and I like it here so we all had to accept that I would likely be known as the town tranny.
I had to unashamedly embrace being trans as a major part of my identity. I’m fortunate to blend in well enough that I don’t get stares or miss gendering from those unaware of my past. Those who may detect my male history don’t let on probably out of politeness and the bit of doubt that they may be wrong.
It works but finding work is without a doubt the toughest part. Hopefully future generations of trans folk will have it easier as the public gets used to us.
I agree it is a great post.
I am not transitioning, but I do feel stuck. There are reasons I feel even more stuck and some may see them as excuses.How I proceed I know is up to me.
Thanks for this post it’s been very helpful.
Guess I fit in the stuck category but that’s where I have spent my whole life!
I have nowhere to return to since I never did the male role and being my size I shall never blend in no matter how much more feminine I become. Guess this is it.
Caroline
Hey Matt, great post.
I think issues can also arise when there are expectations that all of life’s problems will be solved by medical transition. I have no way of knowing whether this was the case for Mike Penner, but there are some trans people who don’t do the work they need to ahead of time and are then surprised and dismayed when, after transitioning, they still have the same issues they were struggling with before. I wonder whether some of them blame their transition rather than understand that hormones and surgeries can’t “fix” everything.
As a response to Teri’s comments, there must be trans people who completely assimilate. Just as there is a spectrum of gender, there must be a spectrum of assimilation, with one end being 100%.
Thank you all for your comments and insights. Regardless of the “stuck factor,” my philosophy has always been that we are who we are, so other people are just going to have to deal. It’s not always easy, though.
Someday–probably not in my lifetime–it won’t matter, and everyone will live as they are, however that is, with no negative repercussions. I wish I could be here to see it!
I’ve come back to this to respond to Anderson’s comment that there must be some who assimilate 100%. I know of a few who have live very stealth lives. One trans woman lives near me transitioned over 18 years ago and is married to a man.
Some try to hide their pasts but being born the opposite sex is a part of their history. It is a trans connection we have in common and a history that can be hid but not erased.
I believe in a gender spectrum and there are many who are way more feminine and womanly than I could ever be. Many can appear to assimilate 100% but they will always have that hidden past. IMHO that makes us forever trans no matter how much we dislike the thought.
I’m also stuck because I stopped transitioning. And you’re right, it never goes away. It is certainly not something that you make vanish by sheer will power. I have tried that. It is possible to live in your “birth gender”, but it is not possible to feel congruent.
I’m born in the 1960s, and from my experience with younger trans folks who early on get to transition, it is a piece of cake for them to “assimilate” completely, or rather, they have never (been) assimilated into their birth gender anyway. I think, the “stuck” problem has a lot to do with the time I grew up, that I didn’t have the resources in my youth when I came out as ftm. When I was younger, the fact that I could pass a little made things easier, but the older I get, the less I pass and the less people are inclined to believe that I am trans. So recently I have actually started to feel that cliché of being trapped in the wrong body.
Anonymous–”being trapped in the wrong body” is a cliche, as you say, but it’s also a legitimate feeling for many people. There’s nothing you can do but accept the feeling. When or whether you act on it is up to you only.
Thank you all for sharing and contributing.
I socially transitioned in the UK in July 2009 at the age of 39 and started hormones in September 2009. I’ve had an 11 hour Facial Feminising Surgery and I am awaiting my GCS (on the NHS as I cannot afford it privately).
I have assimilated very well into society, I think. But I have made it a personal policy to be very open about myself. Being so works but I find it challenging. I function with the assumption that anyone I come into contact with is going to ‘read’ me, how often they do I don’t know and sometimes I end up ‘outing’ myself when I realise afterwards I needn’t have said anything! Through my work as an artist I am trying to make my condition ‘work’ for me which means I am not escaping my baggage. More fool me perhaps but it also serves me in a cathartic way so…
I know or know of other (trans) women who live either in a stealth situation or very near stealth but I do wonder… I find the idea of stealth questionable.
I have, thank God, a very supportive, close circle of family and friends but nonetheless I struggle as I would love to just be able to be cis gendered. I am now almost at the the 3 year mark of private weekly counselling and that coupled with everything else has, I think, saved me though not left me the 110% shiny, happy woman that I wish I could be all the time. My days/weeks are made up of highs and lows.
For the most part though I think that the issues I still have revolve around problems that have nothing to do with being transsexual. As I approach 3 years Post Transition I know (in the good moments) that I am far from ‘stuck’ but it’s not always easy to see that.