When a person transitions, it is, in many cases, a group effort. Friends, family, and other loved ones are also going through a transition. They are forced to make changes in the way they view and interact with the person who is transitioning, which causes changes in their own life as well.
One of my closest female friends told me that one of the things she misses most is going to the bathroom with me when we’re out in public and primping together — a very small thing that actually meant something big to her.
The “What does that make me?” question is a big one for partners who are forced to question their own identity in the face of a transition — the straight female partner of a trans woman might think, “If you’re a woman now, does that make me a lesbian?” The lesbian partner of a trans man might think, “If you’re a man now, does that make me straight?” The list goes on — and so do the questions.
But what about old friends — and old flames — who you haven’t seen in years? The whole transition thing can be just as unsettling for them — and even more of a shock — because they weren’t around to go through it with you.
I’m thinking about this because, within the last 24 hours, I have been in contact with someone I haven’t seen since I was 14 or 15 years old — an old boyfriend from a very distant past. We spent a very short time together as boyfriend and girlfriend before my family moved away. We probably thought we were in love at the time — I know we had fond feelings for each other.
Now, 40 years later, thanks to the Internet and various social media sites, we have reconnected — and he is currently digesting the fact that his (very) old girlfriend is now a guy. I hope that he will be able to continue the initial one-e-mail correspondence.
I have no idea what his political or social views are now — if he is conservative, evangelical, anti-gay, anti-trans. He hasn’t communicated those things to me yet, and I’m still hoping that he will after the initial shock wears off.
But I would imagine that, even after all this time, there still lurks somewhere the question of “What does that make me? If I was attracted to a girl who is now a guy, does that make me gay? If I kissed her, does that mean I really kissed a guy? Did I miss something, or was my attraction based on something wrong, perverted, weird? What does that really make me?”
Well, it makes him whatever he is. I’m assuming he’s straight, although I don’t know that for sure, either, but I’m pretty sure. His attraction to me when I was a girl does not make him gay. He kissed a girl, not a guy. He didn’t miss anything, because I wasn’t giving off any clues, and his attraction was based on a heterosexual boy’s attraction to a heterosexual girl.
I know this — but does he? I guess I will find out when and if the correspondence continues. Sometimes I forget that a blast from the past who says, “I’m Matt — I used to be Jennifer,” is not always such an easy thing to take. I’m so used to being who I am that I usually just expect everybody else to say, “Oh, really? Hey, how have you been?”
It’s easy to forget that this is not just casual news. This is not just the usual catching up of old friends. And for a former flame, no matter how long ago that flame was extinguished, the “What does that make me?” question sometimes still lingers in the ashes.
What has been your experience with this?
(Update: As of April 24, 2010, he has not responded to me and has ignored my Facebook friend request. It was just too much for him, I guess.)
(Photo–me at 14)
I left my old life and country behind when I went to college but there was just one person I had often wondered about from the sixties way back then. It just happened to be the one person who used social networking from our class, then again he left school with the ambition to teach computers to write poetry! in 1969!
How are you doing was after a short hesitation followed by my first coming out and it was taken as if expected!
Caroline xxx
I haven’t actually come out to any of the guys I have dated yet, mostly because I haven’t begun “transitioning” yet either. I think it will be a lot easier to explain once they can visualize it physically.
I came out to an ex-girlfriend and she was entirely supportive, but I think the guys are going to be a different story. I’m sure it’s hard to imagine that the girl you thought you were with actually identifies as a male, and I’m sure they’ll question what that makes them. I’ll be there and try and talk them through it because I don’t want to lose any friends (I’m still friends with all of them) and I don’t want them to think it was their fault or have any confusion about their own sexuality if it’s unnecessary.
My partner/wife and I remain together but she sees me as a woman and is not attracted to women. Some may see us as lesbians now especially when they see us always grocery shopping together. Add to that we are also seen with some of our friends are lesbians.
There are times when she feels uncomfortable being seen this way. I’m sure many who know us wonder why we remain together.
Well, it’s been a week, and I have not heard back from my old friend yet. I’m assuming that there will be no more contact, although maybe he just needs more time. If he doesn’t write back, this will be the first old boyfriend who has rejected me. I have kept in touch with several others. It’s just too much for some people.
Thank you all for sharing your experiences.