A major complaint of some trans people — both women and men — is that we are sexualized, objectified, fetishized — whatever word you want to use to say that we are sometimes looked at as sexual objects due to our body configuration or our transsexual history.
I have written before that there is a fine line between fetish and attraction, and I do believe this. I think that fetishization (if there is such a word) occurs when we as trans people become interchangeable.
It is the difference between “I want to be with you and have sex with you because you are a trans guy without genital surgery … umm, what did you say your name was again?” and “Matt, I really find you attractive, I enjoy your company, and I think your particular body configuration is hot!” (Of course, if anyone tried to seduce me with the words “body configuration,” it would probably be an epic sexual fail, but you get what I mean.)
But I think that sometimes we are so sensitive to the possibility of sexual objectification that we forget that it’s okay to be sexy. Trans people can be and are sexy, regardless of our particular “body configuration.” Just because many of us don’t have the body that we might like or the body that fits our culture’s male or female ideal, that doesn’t mean that our body is not sexy.
Most non-trans people don’t have the body they want and most non-trans people do not have a body that fits our culture’s male or female ideal, either. I realize the difference between a trans body and a non-trans body, and I’m not trivializing that. But what I am saying is that various people find various body types attractive, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
It’s okay to acknowledge that the body you have can be sexy and desirable. And it’s okay if someone else finds it sexy and desirable. That does not mean that the other person is objectifying or sexualizing you, any more than that person would be if you happen to be a redhead and that person prefers red hair.
There is a new transmasculine magazine out called Original Plumbing that features trans guys in all their glory and all their sexiness. I think it’s great to find a publication that acknowledges and celebrates the sexiness, attractiveness, and wholeness of trans men, and I think it’s great that “admirers” (who some people might call “fetishists”) can also enjoy and appreciate sexy trans men. I think the same is true of trans women.
We can weed out and ignore the fetishists, but let’s not forget that we have a right to be sexy — and that we are sexy in our own right.
(Photo: me trying to be sexy — back when I had some muscle)
Yes, we need to all confirm our sexiness. I’ve just started a relationship that is all about that -sexy. And it has required alot of imagination and attention to the needs of my partner and myself as we are both preop. We laugh that we are in a trans-hetero-sexual relationship. (We could get married) I think it is a transitory, but very fulfilling for both of us, as we confirm what is inside us,not as we appear. I too have been worried about the objectification aspect, that I’m the transguy that is pre opt, but I really feel like she sees me ‘the man’, and I see her as she is ‘this stunning beau.’
Just our being able to see each other clearly through the confusion of the ‘body’ that we present right now.
So, I feel like I am lucky to have avoided the fetish thing.
I feel also that I am wanting to see the body as it could be and I now have a library copy of “Body Alchemy” by Loren Cameron. And I will be checking out Buck Angel when I get the chance. I think what he has done is really positive although challenging.
He has put his body out there and made lots of money doing it, but has also started his own you tubes called “Bucking The System”. I have some wondering about how I’de do as a giggilo myself. Pure fantasy, but really I could have a lot to offer a lot of women.
To Daya Curley: I hope that someday you can get some testosterone in your system in small amounts. Testosterone is normal in some amounts in both sexes! and is the source of desire.
I really recomend “The clitoral Truth” It goes over the similarities of both sexes and the history of how this has been medicalized as being so “different”
Thanks Matt for the bloging.
Being human we are gong to be a sexual beings to some degree but many of us are handicapped in different ways. Knowing from the age of three that I was supposed to be a girl and had a lesbian attraction towards girls I already thought that it was going to be difficult to find someone who would be attracted to me after all there were all those real girl lesbians to choose from first!
For once I was absolutely correct and was just about as undesirable as could be! I have a half lifetime relationship which while loving still leaves me without someone who finds me “sexy”!
The last year without testosterone in the system has at least removed all residual lustful desires and only leaves me with the philosophical ruminations on my lack of sexual desirability, what peace to not have even my minimal yearning grinding away inside. I often wonder how most people function with a constant sex drive.
Caroline xx
It definitely is hard to allow ourselves to be sexy…to ignore (as all people trans or not should) the ideal being pushed at us by media for profit.
It’s important to strive to be as healthy as possible…eat right and exercise and I believe our natural sexiness comes out.
Of course, I’m speaking from a position of being involved in a long term relationship. That fact that we were a gay couple before my transition doesn’t seem to faze him…and I know I’m insanely lucky. I might not be so philosophical if I was alone. Being alone turns me into a nutbag.
I’ve actually been able recently to get into better shape than I thought possible at age 46…and I do feel sexy for the first time in my life. I’m proud of who I am. What other choice do I have?!??!
I find trans men very sexy. There’s a very satisfying combination of hardness and softness. I never expected to feel like that. Oh my, how we can grow and change!
BTW…great pic, Matt. You look very handsome.
I agree with you that there’s a difference between being sexualized and sexy, and that it’s ok to be sexy; noone should be blamed for trying to be that (now I’m also referring to an older post of yours).
But there CAN be a problem when somebody is attracted to you because of things that you don’t like about yourself.
A non-trans example: I’m very short. I don’t like it. If somebody said: “I find you attractive and I don’t mind that you’re short”, that would be ok. But if someone said “I find you attractive and I like that you’re short”, I wouldn’t accept that, even if I thought the other person person was attractive too. Because that would mean he’s attracted not to me, but to a twisted image of me, an idea about who I am, and he probably wants someone to take care of and protect. I’m not a child. I want an equal relationship.
It’s of course wrong to blame a person for being attracted to short people, or tall people, or women, or men, or transwomen, or trans men, but I think many transsexuals dislike those who are attracted especially to their trans-ness because they really aren’t trans. It’s just their bodies that are. If you have a body that isn’t really male, and if that’s a problem for you, someone who’s attracted to transmen (I’m not talking about fetish now, but about preference) and especially you, would be attracted to something you aren’t and don’t want to be. It’s the same problem as when you have a female body and someone’s attracted to the “woman” they see, when you’re in fact a man. It’s great if somebody likes you and loves you, but only if they love you as the person you really are, not who they want you to be.
Good points, plastbaronen, and it’s such a very fine line. I once had a gay guy say he was attracted to me because I had a “female sensibility,” which I think boiled down to my female socialization, but I wasn’t sure that this was the attraction that I wanted. It’s tough — or at least it has been for me — and that fine line has sometimes been difficult to walk in my head.
[...] These particular folks might be classified as “chasers” or “admirers.” While some of them objectify, sexualize and fetishize trans people, some do not. Personally, I sometimes find it hard to tell the difference. (Matt Kailey has written a couple of posts about people with trans attractions and the fine line between preference versus fetish, where trans people can be either sexualized or considered sexy.) [...]