Last night, I went to a party to celebrate the return of Colorado Out Spoken, one of the oldest local LGBT television news and information programs in the country. The show, which airs on PBS station KBDI Channel 12 in Denver, went on hiatus in January, but has now returned with a new format, a new host (who was a co-anchor on the old show), a new name (OUTSpoken), and a new prime-time time slot.
I was invited to the party because I was on the first show — not as a trans person talking about trans issues, but in my role as editor of Out Front Colorado, the oldest LGBT publication in Colorado. The purpose of the party was to celebrate and watch the premiere of the new show.
I knew fewer than a handful of people at the party, so I introduced myself around, everyone watched the show, I discovered how (very) old I look on TV, and the evening wrapped up a success. The problem for me (and it was definitely my problem) was that, because I was at the party and on the show as the editor of the paper, I was generally assumed by default to be a gay man. And I really want people to know that I’m trans.
Although this isn’t the first time I’ve realized it, it was very clear to me last night that there really isn’t a good way to convey this information. You don’t just walk up to people, introduce yourself, and then say, “I’m a transsexual.” At least I never have, and I can imagine that it would be a great conversation stopper. How is the other person supposed to respond to that?
You could try to work it into the conversation, like saying, “Yes, I’m the editor of the newspaper, but I also do writing, speaking, and advocacy work on transgender issues because I’m a transsexual.” Once again, the conversation screeches to a halt.
You could try to sneakily broach the subject: “As a transsexual person, I just love the diversity of all this food and drink.” Or “Isn’t this a beautiful house? Why, a transsexual person like me would just love to live here.” Or “I’ve found that, ever since I started male hormones 12 years ago, I eat a lot more than I used to.” (The last one is an excuse for having a second piece of cake.)
But none of those really work, either. There’s just really no good trans party conversation. And the truth is that I was the only one who cared, anyway. They were there to see the show, of which I was a very small part.
It’s only important to me because I want non-trans people to know that trans people exist and that we pop up everywhere, even when they least expect it. I also want people who meet me for the first time to know who I really am.
But when you think about it, very few people who you meet for the first time know much about you, and you know very little about them. If you see them again at some future time and have a chance to get to know them better, you will each learn more about the other and the subject will eventually come up if you want it to.
So the next time I run into one of the people I met at the party, I can say, “Of course I remember you. As a transsexual person, I never forget a face.”
Okay, there’s just really no good trans party conversation. I’ll have to work on that. Ideas?
Keep posting stuff like this i really like it.
Anonymous–you can quote from any of my posts. I would appreciate a link back to my blog or to the post you are quoting from. I do have a Twitter–@mattkailey–but so far, I don’t do a lot of posting. I haven’t quite figured it out yet. But I’m working on it.
Thanks for all the comments, folks. I actually do have a necklace that has that trans symbol on it and it looks pretty cool–I just have to remember to wear it more often.
Daya, can’t wait to hear about your cruise. And video is incredibly unkind. As soon as that video of the show is online, I’ll put a link to it and you can all see just how unkind it is to me! (Or maybe I would rather not have you see!)
I want to quote your post in my blog. It can?
And you et an account on Twitter?
Wearing one of those trans pins with the blended female/male symbol in a triangle or something like that might get you a couple questions about it and then you could slide right into the part about being a transsexual.
This is so true. I have reasons probably good and bad for not bringing up that I’m trans, but one of them is certainly that I just don’t want to hijack the conversation. If I have to bring it up and I’m lucky, the other people in the conversation make a brief comment and then move on. That’s what I hope happens more and more often — that trans people are no big deal. Really, my transness is not that interesting.
Often when I speaking to people I relate the subject at hand to my own experience. This just happens naturally for me. Inevitably I am able to say something like “I was a performer for a number of years, but I retired when I started transition.”
The person to which I’m speaking is either savvy enough to catch it…or curious enough to ask what I mean.
I do feel a responsibility to be a teacher…and provide people with an example of a trans person who is stable and not full of confusion and anger.
I’m about to go on a 10-day cruise. I really don’t know what to expect. I don’t know how I will be perceived. but I know me…and I know I will find ways to slip it into the conversation without seeming inappropriate.
(Video is unkind. Even as a performer I could barely look at myself on video. I would love to video blog…but I don’t think I’m strong enough to immerse myself in a pool of Video Daya. Yikes.)