Whenever I speak at a college class (which I did this week), I inevitably get the question about testosterone and sex drive (because college kids are still young enough to be thinking about sex most of the time).
And I tell them the truth, which is that, at least for me and most guys I know, testosterone sends your sex drive straight through the roof and beyond the stratosphere. NASA should honestly use it for fuel to get those rockets (which are really just larger-than-life phallic symbols) to the moon. It is a very powerful aphrodisiac, and way better than oysters, which tend to be slimy.
Testosterone not only increased my sex drive ten-fold, but changed the nature of it as well. It became less diffuse and more goal-oriented, which is probably how the word “score” entered the sexual lexicon. It also, in certain situations, became less about any other person and more about me.
And this is what I wish I would have understood as a straight woman.
Granted, I was pretty insecure sometimes as a straight woman, for a lot of reasons. But one of my biggest insecurities had to do with soft-core porn. I always approved of it, and I never wanted it banned in general — I just didn’t want my guy to be looking at it, mainly because I assumed that he was comparing me to the air-brushed foldout and I was coming up short.
And although I never considered any solo action on his part to be cheating (I have known women who do), I again assumed that I just wasn’t adequate enough.
I would be inclined to relate this to my own gender issues if I hadn’t heard the same concern from so many other straight women over the course of my life. So what I would like to tell those women who are unfamiliar with the effect that testosterone can have on the brain, and what I wish someone would have told me when I was younger, is that it has nothing to do with you.
The women in those magazines have nothing to do with you. When your guy looks at those women, it has nothing to do with you. When he partakes of his own private solo stuff, it has nothing to do with you.
It’s completely compartmentalized in his mind. And when he tells you it means nothing, he’s telling you the absolute truth.
The solo stuff is like fast food — when you’re hungry, you eat. Like I told a woman in class yesterday: Just because he stops at Burger King doesn’t mean he doesn’t like your cooking. Even if there’s a fantastic meal waiting at home later, if he’s hungry, he’s going to grab a hamburger at the drive-thru (maybe a more apt analogy is grabbing a hot dog).
I think it’s some sort of biological imperative about spreading seeds and whatnot, but regardless, it’s really no reflection on you at all. It’s the testosterone — which is also responsible for most of the things you like about him.
So don’t take it personally. I wish I wouldn’t have. If I knew then what I know now, I would have saved myself a lot of anguish. And I wouldn’t have worried so much about my cooking.
Wish more women knew this! Instead, most of them get upset when guys don’t respond to things the same way they do.
I think that when I am in a relationship I am less inclined to look at porn, because hopefully ill be enjoying my partner
…but i wouldnt consider it cheating or wrong, its just sometimes we need a release, good blog, well all ur blogs are great but i liked this one tons 
I’ve been trying to tell that to my female friends since I was about 14, and completely sans T. Hanging out with guys a lot, it was obvious that they were honest (well most of the time
) women always assume that things ar a lot more complicated then they really are–
Can I say as a woman I AGREE with you… I have a female friend (straight) and she LOVES porn as her release. Silly thing… she hides it from her husbend!!!! Once in a while she gets a out away from the family and she watches porn for herself….
It is the insecrity in a woman that she has issues with porn… Life is simple and is to be enjoyed..
A womans thoghts!
I used to teach middle school, and both the boys and girls were a little insane, but I really had problems with the boys. I didn’t understand it then, but I do now.
Like I said in my book, I think all middle-school teachers should have a shot of testosterone as a requirement–the women, so they would know what it was like, and the men, so they would remember.
Thanks to all of you for reading and writing in.
Teachers on T- that would be hilarious.
Hey Matt,
regarding the way men are and that they are often harmless- did you listen to the following interview with Norah Vincent, the author of Self Made Man? She’s a lesbian reporter who passed as a man for 18 month to write about it. I wasn’t such a big fan of the book, but the interview is very insightful. Also, a transman and a transwoman are calling in. It’s pretty long (40 min) but well worth listening to:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5171860
Well put. But I think it’s what any women should know, not just straight women.
I’d go as far as to say that a lot of people- and not just men- feel similarly about solo stuff. I’d say that the motivation behind masturbation and the motivation behind sex with another person are completely different, regardless of whether or not seeing another naked person is involved. Masturbation is definitely more about just sort of satisfying that urge, and I think it’s an urge that really anyone can have regardless of testosterone levels. So more than just straight women need to hear this, I think. And the straight women might benefit from knowing that if they want some solo time themselves, they aren’t cheating on their guys.
Oddly enough, I’m a fairly young pre-T trans guy, and I feel like your descriptions of post-testosterone sexuality kind of describe mine now. I wonder what effects taking testosterone would have on that- I tend to wonder if it’s really possible for me to get a higher sex drive. If so, that seems like it would be mighty distracting!
Ha. Just wait. It will be mighty distracting, to say the least!
Distracting, Problematic, and awesome. I can’t hardly give out normal compliments because everything I say is immediately screened as attempting to initiate sexual behavior.
“You look absolutely stunning today sweetheart”…”We’re in the grocery store, calm down.”…:(
In all fairness, I am extremely attracted to my current lady, and only see her on the weekends, so most of what I say is actually an attempt to initiate or “feel out” the lay of the land; as it were.