As I’m writing this in the early a.m. the day after my birthday, I’m remembering why I don’t drink — because I did drink yesterday and now I have a hangover, even though, by many people’s standards, one margarita in the afternoon and one in the evening does not even come close to drinking.
Alcohol and my body do not get along, and never really have, although it’s gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. I just don’t process it well, and so I rarely drink it.
Tobacco and my body, however, seem made for each other, as if cigarettes and I were sitting around waiting for each other to come along. When I smoked my first cigarette at 17, it was like we both said, “Where have you been all my life?” It was the beginning of a beautiful, long-term friendship that, after almost 40 years, is going to turn ugly any day now.
But I remember when I ran the trans men’s support group for several years at the Gender Identity Center of Colorado, and how frequently the guys who came through those doors would say, “I’m not going to smoke anymore. I’m not going to drink. I’m going to lose weight and eat healthier. I really want to start taking care of my body now.”
Part of the reason was that testosterone can, in some cases, be brutal to physical health. It can (but not necessarily does) raise blood pressure, raise cholesterol levels, raise red blood cell count, and/or damage the liver. It can (but not necessarily does) increase the risk of heart attack and stroke to the levels of someone who was born male (assigned male at birth).
Over the last 12-plus years that I have been on it, I have had problems with the latter three, and have adjusted my hormones dose accordingly, as well as taken cholesterol-lowering meds for several years. Although my own blood pressure has been fine, I know guys who are on blood-pressure meds as a result of testosterone.
Another part of the equation is simply that the guys suddenly had a body they wanted to start taking care of. They were finally in a body that mattered to them, and they weren’t going to jeopardize that with bad habits. I don’t know if the same holds true for trans women, but I’m guessing it probably does.
I made similar resolutions in the beginning, and over the years, I have gained weight, lost weight, exercised, not exercised, tried to eat healthy, tried to get more sleep, given blood to lower my red-cell count, and even had a very painful (and, I found out later, unnecessary) phlebotomy at the hands of a doctor who knew nothing about hormones and seemed to want to punish me for taking them. Quitting smoking even flickered across my mind before I blinked it away.
But most of my “trans resolutions” never really stuck. I don’t know if it’s because old habits die hard or because I intend to. My self-destructive behaviors, which are primarily smoking, eating junk food, drinking a lot of Pepsi, and not getting enough sleep, somehow stuck with me throughout the initial turmoil of transition and refused to abandon me through my culturally unacceptable behavior of taking male hormones — what loyalty!
I wonder if this happens to other people. I wonder if the guys who vowed to lose weight, quit smoking, quit drinking, abandon caffeine, and take better care of the body that they now cared about have been able to stick with that. Or once we get comfortable in our “new” body, do we revert to habits that plagued us in our “old” one?
I know guys who have really gotten into body building and look fantastic. I have tried it and just couldn’t keep it up — maybe because I was older when I started transition, or maybe because it was just too easy to drift back into lazy ways.
So I’m interested to hear from people, both men and women, who went through the same “trans resolutions” when they started transition. Did the new habits stick, or did you eventually revert back to old, unhealthy ways? And were there other “trans resolutions” that you made — maybe to do with mental, rather than physical, health or with certain behavior or personality patterns? How have those worked for you?
Now, please forgive me, because I have to get rid of my once-a-year hangover in preparation for my next birthday — I’m afraid it will probably take me that long.
(Photo: Love the ashtray! My dad — yes, my dad – -gave it to me as a gift in the late ’70s. And, for the record, I have now officially outlived my father (a smoker), a decent man who died at age 54. It’s only now that I realize how young he really was when he died.)
This is such a hard subject…and one which I fear I have little understanding. I’m as hard on myself about living right as I am on others. It comes from love and from concern. I’m a cheerleader and a nagging mother.
For many years…until recently, I drank a bottle of wine per day. Every day. For years. What can I say, I have the Irish gene.
Until last fall, I was still caught in that pattern…and also eating patterns that kept me heavier than I wished. I had/have been on meds for high blood pressure and triglycerides for years.
Once I started hormones and came out, I really WANTED to get healthier. I wanted it as much as I wanted to transition. But…I couldn’t quite make it stick. I would lose 7 pounds…even while drinking…and then feel good about it…and gain it back.
Tragically, my sister died in April of 2008 after a 2-year battle with leukemia. The resulting stress kept me embroiled in bad habits.
But…
Last October, with my up-and-down patterns and Victoria’s memory in my head, I determined to give it a better try, a more realistic try. I cut the drinking back to 1 day a week…I started counting calories…and I exercised 6 days a week. I’ve lost about 23 pounds…and I just went off my cholesterol meds. I’m also being weaned from my blood pressure meds.
It’s s constant struggle every single day. It never gets easy. But I feel better at 47 than I ever have…and I thought I was a goner.
Interestingly, my mother has lost over 45 pounds. I’ve never seen her make this kind of leap. I think we were inspired by my sister, who was a Yoga instructor and very healthy. We were lucky in a weird way to have that tragedy…and to be inspired by her memory. She doesn’t get to be here anymore…so who are we to be so wishy-washy about our health?
Or…it’s about my transition. I can’t know. It’s all part of the same bucket.
I’ve spent the past 15 years quitting things. Cigarettes, crystal meth, a toxic relationship…
It never gets easier. It’s a struggle every day. But I feel it’s incumbent on me to try and try and keep trying. Otherwise, why bother going through transition? Isn’t the point of transitioning to become a healthier, happier person?
I realize lots of trans men and women feel their weight or other health issues are because of hormones and/or surgery. I’ve heard it a lot. But that’s usually not coming from people who exercise every day and limit their calories and eat the right foods. These are the things EVERY person should do anyway. If a person doesn’t do them, it’s a little too convenient to blame hormones. I believe that makes it harder. But just because we have a harder time maintaining doesn’t mean we shouldn’t TRY!!
I spent my life blaming the wrong things…and I’m still struggling. But I know how rich it is to feel this good at 47 and I wish it for everyone.
It just takes work. Lots of it. Never-ending hard work. (sigh)
I’m a trans guy who isn’t on T yet. I signed up at a gym to get my body closer to what I want, but after a month I quit. I don’t think it’s due to age, though, because I’m 18!
Besides that, I’ve always been very healthy –probably because I’m young– so I don’t really have bad habits to change.
I have started eating healthier, and that might be because I’ve managed to feel ok about my body (not great –I’d like T– but I can live with it for now). But I think that, for me, it has more to do with my mental health: when I eat well, I feel like I’m treating myself better. Also, cooking does wonders for my mood and self-esteem.
I know one key to losing weight and keeping it off is to have a work out regime that you can maintain. That is the main reason why people’s weight fluctuate. They work out at a pace they can not maintain and eventually stop and gain the weight back. Starting out small is best like a 10 minute walk then add 5 and so on, then maybe ten push ups in the morning. The key is to do a work out and diet that you know you can keep up. Hope that helps
I didn’t really make any resolutions when I started taking T, but I did sixteen months earlier. The day I found out that the gender clinic had finally received my doctor’s letter so I could start the evaluation process, I promised that I would never again try to commit suicide. Two years later, I never have.
I’ve given up both sugar addiction and self-harm (which I count as an addiction) as well, just because I feel so much better, and I do a lot of things I didn’t even dare to hope that I would ever do.
Now, I happen to be very fortunate because I had low blood pressure before I started T so I actually just benefited from the raise, and I’m a vegan (i.e. no cholesterol), and I’m on another medication that has “loss of appetite” listed as a possible side effect. The two of them are perfect together.
Trollhare, I’m glad you kept your resolution.
You have all inspired me. I got up and did aerobics this morning (cough, cough). We’ll see how long that lasts. I do know that cigarettes are the one thing that is guaranteed to kill me, and the one thing I probably won’t give up. They also tend to make aerobics difficult.
So we’ll see how long I can dance around my living room and keep smoking. Bleah.
Danielle
Hi Matt: I`m not even sure I`m allowed to reply because I`m not a transman. But I`m going to try anyway. First off it was an honor to do the parade with you! I had a great time. Now as for taking care of ones self. It`s not much different for us t girls as far as exercise goes. My exercising comes and goes. But I did quit smoking in 2005 when I started hormones. I still have a couple of drinks now and then. I do eat better and I guess I feel pretty good for my age(58)
Of course you’re allowed to leave comments, Danielle. I would say that at least half my readers are not trans men. Everyone can read and comment, as long as comments are not threatening, offensive, or attacking.
I do know quite a few people who quit smoking when they started hormones, because they wanted to take care of the body that they actually felt good and at home in, but I just couldn’t do it. Still haven’t. Eventually I will, but nature might take care of it for me.
It was great to meet you and have you drive us in the parade. I thank you for that and for all your volunteer work on behalf of our community.
No matter what you are transman, bio man, Excersice cn do wonders to repairing the human body.
I was wondering if some transmen believe that drinking,smoking,Eatting read meat rare is a ‘Manly thing to do”
I know that a lot of transment act rude and think that it’s ‘Manly when in fact it’s just plan makes you look stupied and uneducated.
Or it may be the harmones? but I doubt one can blame that?
My point is………..Is attutudes about “actting male” brings on un-healthy lifestyle behaviors?
In some cases, it’s possible, I would imagine. I know a lot of guys who quit smoking and took up healthier habits once they transitioned, because they finally wanted to take care of themselves. But the opposite could be true in some cases, as well.
Hormones can definitely make a difference in how someone acts. When I first started testosterone, I was acting like a little kid, I think – or at least a young teenager. You really do go through a second adolescence. And I have had some guys tell me that hormones make them more aggressive, although this is not the case with everyone.
And I do think, in some situations, there is an expectation of how men should act. There is a role that gets taken on. But I think things settle down in a couple of years. I think when you meet guys (or women) in the first couple years of transition, you do not always see the person they will become. If you wait a couple of years for them to settle into the effects of the hormones and adjust to their “new place” in the world, you will see the true person there and the person that will be there for a lifetime.
But it is possible that there are certain attitudes in our culture toward “acting male” that cause more risky behaviors, because there is an expectation that men will be “tough” and take more risks.