I’m pro-choice, but in this case, I’m not talking about a woman’s right to choose. I’m talking about my right to choose, and my right not to be a victim of my birth.
I just finished watching a new indie gay and lesbian film that had an interesting premise, but I felt like I was back in the ’70s, with the word “homosexual” being thrown around all the time, even by the gay and lesbian characters, and this little gem coming from one of the young lesbian characters when talking to her father:
“I didn’t choose to be this way. I’ve always been this way. I’d be straight if I could. My life would be so much easier.”
I get really tired of this argument, which makes straight the default — and the desirable — way to be, and gay or lesbian the undesirable and unchosen way to be — a way that was forced on certain unfortunate people as a mistake of birth. After all, who wouldn’t want to be straight if they could?
Well, I happen to know hundreds of gay and lesbian people who wouldn’t want to be straight if they could. In fact, I’m not sure I know any who would want to be straight. I know some who would prefer not to have the hassles of being gay or lesbian. I know some who would prefer not to face the prejudice, discrimination, and outright hatred that comes from being gay or lesbian. But I can’t think of any who would want to be straight if they could. I’m sure they’re out there — they’re just getting harder and harder to find.
I realize that it’s a little different for trans people. I realize that there are many trans people who would prefer not to be trans. But I think that quite a few of those trans people, if given the “choice,” would choose to be born into the sex that matches their gender identity, not the gender identity that matches the sex they were assigned at birth.
So do these trans people really wish they weren’t trans? Or do they simply wish that they didn’t have to face the hassles, prejudice, discrimination, and outright hatred that comes with being trans?
Being trans, in and of itself, is not a curse. Neither is being gay or lesbian. It’s the society and the culture that decides whether such things are negative, positive, or neutral. If, as in some cultures, we were revered as powerful, knowledgeable, spiritual, and blessed human beings, would we wish that we weren’t trans? If our family was proud, if we were deemed as special — or even if we were just treated matter-of-factly — would we wish that we weren’t trans?
The “I didn’t choose to be this way” argument paints us as victims. It paints us as tragic figures with an external locus of control — life has done something to us. We have no control over it or over ourselves. We have no “choice.”
I understand the purpose of the argument, because, truly, none of us did choose to be transgender (or gay, lesbian, or bisexual). No one chooses to be straight or non-trans, either. But you don’t hear straight, non-trans people arguing that they didn’t choose to be that way. They don’t need this argument, because they have the power. We don’t. That power makes their particular existence the “right” way to be. We feel as though we have to make the “no choice” argument in order for those in power to accept us, to grant us our rights, and to quit killing us.
But I think there are better arguments — arguments about equality and dignity and human rights — that give us a stronger position and make us stronger as people. To say, “It wasn’t my choice” is to say, “I wouldn’t be this way if I could help it” — which is to say, “This is a bad way to be.”
But is it such a terrible way to be, or is it only terrible because of the way we are looked at and treated by society? Why is straight better? Why is non-trans better? We have been brainwashed into believing that this is so, and we have been brainwashed into believing that we are “less than,” so we have to come up with an argument that excuses our deficiency — and that argument is: “I didn’t choose.”
We come to the table as victims, we sit at the table as victims, and then we wonder why we have no power. It doesn’t matter whether I chose to be this way or not — what matters is that, by virtue of being a human being, I deserve the same rights as everyone else.
There’s nothing wrong with me (well, there’s nothing wrong with me that has to do with being trans). And guess what? I wouldn’t be non-trans if I could. Now tell me why that makes me less deserving than anyone else.
Let’s lose the argument and take back the power that is inherent in our humanness. Let’s forget about who did or who didn’t choose what and concentrate on what we all deserve by virtue of our shared humanity.
(Photo: sign from a Pride parade, courtesy of Out Front Colorado)
I love this post!
You don’t mention the film title. Sooooo curious!!
I had been an out gay person since the mid 70′s in suburban Detroit. I felt like I had suffered enough slings and arrows.
By the time I accepted myself as trans…as a woman…I assumed I would be “straight”. What I didn’t expect was the feeling that I was losing something.
I have the same male partner now that I had pre-transition…and I’ve come to realize that I will always be queer. Always. And I’m glad for that. For a while I didn’t know how I was “supposed” to feel about that. I’m living as a woman…I’m in a relationship with a man. Am I “straight” now? It never felt like a fit.
That film you’re referring to sounds like it was written by straight people who don’t know how to write a gay person’s dialog. It’s like a male writer who doesn’t know how to write from as woman’s perspective so the words a female character says ring false.
Or it’s worse. It could be a gay person filtering a character’s life through their own sad homophobia.
Hi!
You have very strong point, the best argument i find was this one:
“by virtue of being a human being, I deserve the same rights as everyone else. ”
Respect should be the column of our society.
About the choosing or not choosing… there´s many things in life that we don´t choose an have to embrace to be happy or just make an effort to change it, no one criticized a fatperson trying to loose weight, or a blond dying her hair….we also may accept our flows and take strenght from our weakness … or sometimes what people teach us to think of as defects are just something that is annoying to them but perfectly good for us.
Our lives are ours (no matter who our parents are, or which country we come from…) our bodies are ours (no matter if others don´t like it, if we are fat, dark, tall or men or women) .
My best friend is gay and I love her, I think she´s very happy now that she accept it and she really feel good about herself.
Some feel they need to make the comment “I didn’t choose to be with way”, which is a defensive statement and more easily seen as negative. Almost a reverse accusation to whomever they are stating it to.
Personally, I don’t ever use the word victim in describing myself or anyone else, because I think of “victim” as meaning dead, or death-like state. Survivor is the word I use, positive, determined, having endured.
I come from a different society and culture, but in some ways, that is irrelevant, as I don’t think of myself as anything except, Grigorii, which is my name, though I happen to be gay.
Ironically enough, I was thinking of similar topic this very day based upon my idea sexuality is like eye colour, we have no choice on that, and we can only cover them with artifice. From a distance, someone can see us and maybe think, “do they have blue or green eyes”, but only on close inspection can they really be sure. Yet does it matter anyway really?
Although I know my eyes are blue, I cannot see my eye colour because I am looking out of them, you see? So whatever anyone else thinks about them (or me), in effect, is irrelevant. I am just me. Just as I would have no need to make a defense of my eye colour, the same goes for my sexuality, those who do are very curious.
I love this post, and I will definitely be writing something about it today. Thanks for giving me a new way to think about the whole argument of choice. I’ve always considered myself to be supportive of whatever people do with their personal lives and I believe in everyone’s right to love who they love, be who they are, regardless of what label someone might attach to it. That being said, I’ve often said things along the lines of “they didn’t choose to be ‘that way’” and now I realize it’s the wrong thing to say. I’ll be trying to rethink my words from now on.
[...] author: FreshlyPressed [...]
Thank you for this post. I have thought about this often before, when trans friends might display a lot of dismay or regret for the difficulty of transition. I think, why is it not a beautiful (while awkward) thing, like puberty, or the changing from caterpillar to butterfly? It seems that way, at least, to me, from the outside.
Cheers for not saying ‘that way’ ever again. Great post!
PS: I would NEVER want to be straight or cisgendered! : P
First: I’m Swedish; English is not my native language so I might make some errors… however…
Good point, but I don’t agree entirely.
I don’t agree that it’s only society’s view on transpeople that makes them wish they were born non-trans. You forget the fact that many transsexuals today and maybe especially FtM:s can’t change their bodies to match their identity completely. It’s not all about how others see us, but also to live in harmony with yourself.
Homosexuality is not a disorder; if accepted, the homosexual person is free to be completely himself/herself. But the transsexual person is still somewhat hindered because the body didn’t match the soul in the first place. Acceptance would make it easier to live as trans, but it won’t solve the physical problems.
Some might see the transgender experience as positive because it has made them wiser and mature. Others might appreciate that too, but the transsexualism itself might be such a bad experience for them that they still wouldn’t want it.
Great post.
The way I see it is: whether we choose or not to be gay, straight, trans, whatever…who cares? Why are we focusing on WHO people love rather than the love itself? Why are we focusing on how people present themselves physically when we should be looking at the person and their expression of self? These people (Man, I hate that phrasing) aren’t hurting anyone, in fact it’s the opposite.
There are so many more important that we should be worrying about than impeding the basic human rights of a huge portion of the world’s population.
Again, really well thought out and well written.
Good Morning Matt. I was pleasantly surprised to see your post up on the roster of new or cool posts to check out. I am Ellen Springer, a lesbian in Washington State and my life partner is a transgendered woman. We’ve been together for about eight and a half years now and I love her very dearly. Cherish is a good word to use for our relationship, and how I feel about her. I have been in straight and many years of lesbian relationships, but I have to say that I had never felt the love, the understanding, the respect and so many other awesome feelings that I do with Claire.
I am very androgenous and had been treated by many as if I was a guy and had wondered if I was transgendered but no I am fine with my female body and like being androgenous, able to fit into both groups sort of. My partner, Claire Marie de la Grange, has written many stories about lesbians and is one of the few transgendered male to female that relate as a lesbian. I am quite certain that many lesbians out there would not consider me to be a lesbian any longer but that is their problem, not mine.
I am an artist, Photography mostly, and Claire Marie is a Poet, and fiction writer who writes in the slip stream category, which is appropriate for us, our lives as we’ve lived it, and for so many other reasons we don’t fit and her writings don’t fit neatly into the box that says “Normal” or “Ordinary”. I am grateful for the non-homogenousness of our lives together. I feel that we are truly blessed by G-d, and that we are meant to be together through thick and thin, and in spite of our country’s puritanical view points that are very limiting to most people including straights.
There are many people out there, out here, and closeted there, that don’t fit neatly into the xy or the xx bimodal narrow chromosomal pattern. There are people with xxy and so many other variations and they don’t even realize it. What would happen if we ran chromosome tests to verify that you are a “true woman” or a “man’s man” and then invalidated their marriages if you don’t fit into Texas’s definition of a marriage between a man and a woman. That could happen in the future, or we can just learn to respect each other for all kinds of reasons, rather than this regime of hatred and enmity that exists all over the world, but mostly her in the “free world” of the United States of America”.
By the way, there are some aboriginal tribes that consider transgendered or transsexual to be “two spirited”, and they are, or were considered to be special people blessed by their higher powers. Take care of yourself Matt and be safe, most of all thank you for some insightful writing.
Elle
Well said. Thanks.
[...] say many times that someone should not be judged for something that is not their choice. Today, I read this… and now I want to say something [...]
This was an incredibly good article. I even recently said something along the lines of, “I would be straight if I could,” but you’re totally right.
Thank you.
you are inspiring.
[...] Tranifesto: I just finished watching a new indie gay and lesbian film that had an interesting premise, but I [...]
I’m mildly transgendered. I don’t feel the need to change my body with surgery but I do have a history as a drag queen for many years.
Fantastic job. I’ve never understood the reason why anyone needs an explanation from gay people as to “why they are the way they are.” You love who you love, what does it matter their reproductive organs? With all the hate in today’s society, you would think people would embrace loving relationships. But they don’t, and I can’t fathom why. I don’t believe anyone needs to have an argument as to who they love. Straight people certainly don’t, why should anyone else?
wow this is beautiful! I have been doing research on gay dating and how it is a lot more complex and different then straight dating, yet I can not imagine trans dating! I would love to watch the film….
Wonderful post! I’ll be sharing this with my Twitter friends!
Great blog, I really enjoyed it. But I’m just curious as to whether or not you would accept that people are products of their environment? For example, someone is straight because their experiences lead them to behave so, and someone is gay or transsexual because their experiences lead them to behave so.
It’s just been an interesting idea of mine for a very long time, since every homosexual I have known has had experiences that seemed to trigger that response. Guaranteed, they were unhappy before the change, but that answer, to me, seems a bit more logical.
People are themselves not by their DNA, it doesn’t dictate how I will respond to a best friend dying, there isn’t a magical gene for that, it dictates who I am physically. So, I would think that my reaction would be how I have seen others react, with a bit of my personality thrown in.
That’s all, this blog just got me thinking. I’d really like to know what you think.
Thanks.
This is in response to Nikole: I personally believe that people are a product of their biology and their environment. I think that people are born with a sexual orientation and a gender identity, and I think that, in some cases, that is very fixed, and in other cases, it can be fluid. However, I don’t believe that people have a “choice” in the matter.
I think that, if you have a very solid, very fixed sexual orientation or gender identity, that has something to do with your biological makeup. You were born with it. I also believe that if you have a very fluid sexual orientation or gender identity, it has something to do with your biological makeup. You were born with it.
I think environment affects how we deal with things–how we accept who we are, who others are, the situations that happen in our life, etc. I think that, when a best friend dies, the way each one of us responds is due, in part, to our biological makeup (our brain, our personal tendency to cry or not cry, our basic personality, which I think is inborn) and, in part, to our environment (what is expected of us in our particular culture, what we have been taught to believe about death, etc.).
So I personally think that we are a product of both. That is my opinion. But I don’t believe that sexual orientation or gender identity is a response to environment. I personally think both are hard-wired. I do think our actions and feelings with regard to those things can be affected by the environment that we’re in and the culture that we live in and are socialized into, but I don’t think they can be changed. They might occasionally change for some people, but I don’t think they can BE changed. Again, my opinion, but I think we have seen plenty of proof through copious amounts of research that they cannot be changed.
Thanks so much for reading. I don’t know if that answered your question or not! I hope I did somewhat.
Very interesting post! Your argument has a lot in common with that of disability rights activists who have spent decades struggling for equality and their basic human rights rather than charity. Such activists regularly deny that they would rather be “able-bodied” (for want of a better term) and demand the right to be seen as full humans rather than victims. As far as I know this is known as the affirmative model or approach…I guess maybe we’re all disabled by our sociocultural environments in one way or another!
you really strike a point here. choosing this argument is just a way to slip out of the challenges and the pressure society has pouring on them. and it is not necessarily true; this what they say. if you are in a place that makes you happy and gives you joy, letting you be the way you want to be, you shouldn’t be looking for explanations to give to those people who don’t understand. and never will.
very powerful article.
enjoyed much. =)
I don’t understand why you have a right to anything simply because you are a human being. There are a lot of human beings, and a lot of them are wasting space. Judging solely by this article, I would say you are one of them. You take up space in the worst possible way – by infecting the minds of people who do not think for themselves.
Human beings should really only have rights if they have talents which they use to contribute positively and concretely to society. You are complaining about nothing, it seems to me, and your way of life – that of the privileged crybaby seeking the approval of others – is only possible in this country which you deem has wronged you so terribly. Perhaps you should just move on with your life and worry less about your identity. You are the only one who cares about it.
I tend to think that all human beings have certain rights, simply by virtue of their humanity. It’s hard for me to look at people as space-wasters. I think most people are contributing in some way or other. But we have different viewpoints, and we both have the right to express them, which is a good thing and also part of being human.
Am I privileged? Absolutely. I’m very lucky and not so wronged. Unfortunately, the privilege that I have does not extend to everyone, and that’s what I truly would like to see. I think we all have some responsibility in trying to make that happen.
Thanks for reading and thanks for your comment.
I disagree with you Kyle, intensely. I care about Matt’s identity and am sure I am not the only one enriched by his identity informing his writing.
So we have the luxury of this kind of discourse, and specifically the free time to write about it. You don’t think people in the global South think about whether they would want to be trans if they had the choice? Or what that means?
If people who have not encountered these ideas stumble upon them, is it not good even if for the virtue that it may be something new for them to consider?
Thank you for writing this. It was wonderful to open up WordPress and see transgender issues being talked about and highlighted. As a mother of a transgender child I see such a different perspective, but it doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate what you are saying. I do. There isn’t anything wrong here. I see my daughter as living authentically. What can be wrong about that?
I just wish that my child didn’t hate her body. I wish that she had an easier time with feeling different, like she is hiding a secret, even though we reassure her that she isn’t. I wish that society could just see her as the amazing, loving child that she is and has been from birth.
I know that every journey, no matter how difficult, is divinely right. Speaking as her mother, I would never ever wish to change a single thing about my child because being transgender is a part of her, just like her love of art and music. This child is perfect just the way she is.
Best- Jen
We need more moms like you.
While I think you are right to criticize a lot of people in the Free World who complain about “not being able to choose,” because they don’t have valid reasons to say it.
However, in places such as Africa, there is such an environment of hate and destructive behavior towards people who are gay that some do wish they could choose NOT to be gay. Because being straight would return their lives to normal – less violence, less hate and less discrimination. I admire those that do stand up for their sexual rights … I just wish that some countries would be less violent about it.
Being a psychology major, the environment can have such a huge impact on people. I wouldn’t discount it (and you don’t, but I see other people writing blogs that do) as being a primary factor in whether or not someone is “gay.” As in being actively gay. Because you could attracted to the same sex but not be actively gay.
This is an excellent post, it’s disgusting that people can’t just accept another person for who they are, whether they agree with it or not. there should be no reason to have to argue in defence of and justify your sexuality.
I respect the points you have made in this article, and I respect you.
[...] From Tranifesto: It’s Time to Lose ‘I Didn’t Choose’ (to be Transgender) [...]
A wonderful post. And an inspired blog name!
wonderful post. i’ve been looking for someone to speak to this issue and re-examine this notion of choice and what it means in the larger scheme of social and gender power structures. “one day,” when finally teach gender studies, i will be thrilled to have this reference!
congrats on the “freshly pressed.” i hope everyone reads and considers it.
I love this post. So well put, and so well argued. Thank you for your thoughtful insights on this matter.
*
I do have a response for Kyle, who made some ridiculous comments regarding who does and does not deserve rights, and other idiotic statements, above. Brushing someone off, saying that the only person who cares about their identity is them, is every bit as heterosexist as openly saying you hate them for who they are.
If you care so little about self-identification, then what are you even doing here, listing your name on the internet and making comments that are attached to the identity that you’ve created online? With a response like the one you made above, I would guess that you have little-big-man syndrome and that you likely fall into the category of people whom you have determined don’t deserve rights.
Go work out your daddy issues somewhere else.
Matt is a classy person, and he replied to you in a manner that shows that he probably IS one of the people who deserve rights, according to YOUR system of merit.
This is fantastic. It was a pleasure to have this a feature on wordpress.com!
In the same vein, when I came out as bisexual – I never realized what the term “accepted” felt like, to hear someone you love say “it’s ok, I accept you.” I had never thought about it before, but that struck a chord with me. I don’t need you to “accept” me. If you “accept” me, it’s saying “I tolerate this about you, and love you anyways.”
This is me. All of me. I am not someone to be tolerated.
I wholeheartedly agree that we should not be turning that on ourselves, either. No one should. Our differences are not faults, be them orientation, skin color, religion, whatever. They are who we are – not some part of us to be endured by others, or that we would change because there is one way that’s better than who we are. Diversity is the spice of life.
I read a similar thought process recently in Utne: http://www.utne.com/Politics/The-Gay-Option.aspx
I hope these ideas catch fire and spread!
Finally – I also appreciate what you had to say about choice. As a bisexual person, I have felt that I can “choose” to be with a man or a women – and I had some friends really chastise me for it. They believed I was setting them back by saying it was a choice for me, when they’ve fought to argue it’s not. Your thoughts really clarified this for me.
Thank you Matt!
(And kudos to you for handling Kyle with such grace and poise. I think it’s pretty obvious a lot of people care.)
I really enjoyed this post. You’re a great writer.
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Matt: I am assuming you are FTM and in the Denver area based on your photo from Pride in Denver. I too am FTM. I am Jewish, a “mother,” and an identical twin on top of all of this. I waited until my 49th birthday to get on hormones, change my name legally, and begin to feel normal as I see my body change when I look into the mirror. I have tattoos that now I realize were to masculinize my body and serve as a form of cutting in order to relieve some of the dysphoria I was feeling all of my life at feeling I had to fit the mold my twin sister was following. My twin hasn’t spoken to me in over seven years due to the “lesbian” issue. I sent her a letter and told her I was no longer waiting for her to come back into my life and I was no longer worried if I was not going to look like her any longer. We used to joke and say I got all of the male hormones. Who knows, maybe after our egg split inuetero something did happen that gave me a male push? Still, my son says I’ll be like “Ross the Intern” on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, because even though my body is being hairy and looking more male each day, I just have those “Ross” mannerisms that I don’t choose to hide or rid of. To me that would be acting. I have done enough acting in my life anyway. I identify as “Transgendered,” not “male” or “female” which tweaks with everyone in my life. Especially those friends of mine that are Conservative or Orthodox Jews. Those movements in Judaism are quick to oppress the female gender and quite frankly if I went to services in their synagogue which side would I sit on? I am a Reconstructionist Jew. I have been welcomed at two synagogues and I am “out” and proud as a “TG” human being. I am being “read” different depending on the moment. For example, when going through a drive through at a fast food establishment, the person taking my money said, “Thank you, Sir.” When I picked up my food, I heard, “Thank you “ma’am.” To those that don’t understand why I lived in the lesbian melting pot for a big chunk of my life before “coming out” as ‘TG,” I explain, I didn’t know I had other options until I did research, went into therapy for fourteen years, and started on male hormones this year. I am not able to have the “bottom” surgery due to finances and medical reasons. I have learned that “gender” isn’t all about what is between my legs. It is about how my brain is hard-wired and chemically responds. I found your blog by accident. It was posted on the WordPress top blogs. I am glad you are “out” there for those of us that are “TG” and for those people that just don’t understand where we are coming from and how we struggle just to fit into any part of our culture or subcultures.
L’ Shalom, (Go with peace)
Anshel Bomberger
Georgetown and Aurora, Colorado
Lovely post. You are articulate and considerate in both your article and responses to comments. I feel privileged to be privy to your thoughts on this matter and I am proud that such a sensitive, intelligent person is writing about something that matters in such an amazing way. Congrats on the freshly pressed – it was well deserved!
Adolescence is heartbreaking. We begin to internalize the expectations of others and feel responsible for the way we fit into the world. Even as a straight identified teenage girl in a heteronormative town I remember thinking “I didn’t choose to be this way. I’ve always been this way. I’d be (dumber/smarter/beautiful/ugly/self-confident/meaner/nicer) if I could. My life would be so much easier.” Growing up has been a process of unlearning that type of thinking. Of not finding who I am in relation to who I’m not, but creating who I want to be.
“Let’s lose the argument and take back the power that is inherent in our humanness. Let’s forget about who did or who didn’t choose what and concentrate on what we all deserve by virtue of our shared humanity.” – well said, and thank you.
Matt, you were spot-on with this post. It is true that it’s very natural for people like us – gay, bi, transgendered, whathaveyou – to be very apologetic about this part of ourselves. It’s not that our reasons aren’t understandable – the majority of Christians in the public eye, and those we have to deal with, have done such an excellent job painting our kinds as demons that we feel we must play the victims, because to own our differences would somehow prove them right.
However, that doesn’t mean we should keep on doing it. We see the same thing happening in rape victims, and males especially – if they admit that they were turned on in any small way by the actions of their attacker, or that they were not permanently traumatized, it is far too easy for the populace at large to assume that it wasn’t *really* rape. These two scenarios, though different for many reasons, are the result of a single meme: the idea, passed from generation to generation, that people are responsible for and in control of their feelings, and to have bad feelings makes one a bad person.
This is one paradigm that gay, bisexual, and trans people would do well to leave in the dust. Not only does it force us to see ourselves as victims of some great cosmic injustice, but it also stunts the way we see ourselves and describe ourselves to others. I discovered very early on in my own journey that while I could certainly call myself transgendered, I could not be persuaded to feel as strongly as other people or to describe a traumatic childhood or an early attraction to the same sex. What should I have done, then? Apologize to those who felt strongly as I do, say “I didn’t choose to enjoy being a girl when I was little?” Of course not. I am very fortunate that I was that person at that time. That person was much better equipped to cope with my childhood than the person I have since become. On the flip side, this person is better equipped to deal with the outside world than the person I was then.
One week I was a straight woman, and the next I was a gay man. I chose to make that leap, and I never regretted it. I have plenty of regrets for the difficulties I am about to go through in actualizing my identity, but none for finding it. I didn’t choose to be trans, but I don’t regret it either. Having a female body at birth enabled this gay man to survive what could have been a traumatic upbringing in a family of fundamental Christians.
What I have just written is a small piece of the picture that I have painted of myself during my journey. Every step of the way I have forced myself to confront the reality of my situation. To admit the things about myself I do not like, and to learn to appreciate the things that I might have regretted. These are the things I feel, and I should not have to apologize for them. Nor should any gay, bisexual, or trans person who does not wish to regret their own existence.
Love your post!
I definitely agree with what you wrote about “not choosing,” and to me, I’m perfectly fine with being a lesbian..it’s the way that society and other people treat me (and other gay, bisexual, asexual, trans, etc.) that influences my perception.
We don’t choose our sexual orientations, but we do choose how we live our lives and whether we choose to accept or reject our identities. In my mind, it’s our choices that define who we are, even if there is some sort of external locus of control initially, we have the power to create our own futures.
That was an interesting read.
beautiful post. definitions are such a waste of time. i feel in love with a woman, as a woman, and i never felt that the label “lesbian” or “bi” would fit me. i just considered myself free. my gay friends confronted me and tried to make me accept a label that i knew was not mine. so for a long time i tried to accept the fact that maybe “i was born a lesbian”, that this new love of mine that i had to justify in front of family and friends, was a result of me not being able to chose my sexual inclinations.
the only way i could explain it to my parents, christian fundamentalists, for example, was to tell them that “god had made me that way”. that this inclination towards a female was not my choice. that i was a victim of nature and so there was no reason for them to blame me.
but i hated that argument.
i never thought of love as having a sexual organ. i never constrained myself from engaging sexually with men, and as it turns out, i never rejected the posibility of sexual enjoyment with women either.
however i did not think of this in terms of a natural deviance, as what my gay friends told me. this argument of “we did not chose to be this way” seems to me to be just an excuse for being human. why do we have to make excuses for our tastes and choices?
do we have to justify to everyone why we like blue over red? why we like salads over hamburgers? why we would prefer to do a over b in bed? no! why? because as humans we are entitled to choice. we are supposed to be free.
i think gay rights, and any rights at all, are about freedom and could be strengthened by arduments that defend freedom instead of arguments that emphasize a fixed identity. we are free to chose our identity however we like.
im still struggling with my wonderful girl-girl relationship in a world that prefers labels and that wont accept that to say “i chose to be with her” should be an enough explanation. i get attacks from both the gay world as well as the straight world. the gay flank accuses me of being “ashamed” to be gay. the straight world accusses me of being gay .
why cant we just be free?
A great post! I feel that this post represents a great direction for our conversations to go–which is a bodies affirming and person centered celebratory stance.
No person should feel the need to ‘apologize for’ their bodies or begin a dialogue from a place where they’re already ‘the other’ or not ‘normal’. All gender expressions and experiences of one’s body should be on equal footing and equally cherished.
I would also thank you for your post works to challenge gender binary: the “I wouldn’t choose to be A!” has an implication (the way I hear it) that there is only a ‘B’ way to be otherwise.
Thanks again for a well written piece that will stir good dialogue and will encourage its readers to celebrate the beauty that is the human experience!
Ryan McGivern
[...] I'm pro-choice, but in this case, I'm not talking about a woman's right to choose. I'm talking about my right to choose, and my right not to be a victim of my birth. I just finished watching a new indie gay and lesbian film that had an interesting premise, but I felt like I was back in the '70s, with the word "homosexual" being thrown around all the time, even by the gay and lesbian characters, and this little gem coming from one of the young les … Read More [...]
This post is full of cold, hard truth. Society has set this image upon itself, and it is not a pretty one. People need to be more accepting. Honestly, I have no problem with LGBT people. I don’t understand why it’s so wrong. In fact, in a way, it opens up one’s eyes; there’s a better chance of finding true love. Get past the whole gender thing. This isn’t the 19th century anymore. Move on. People just make me so angry. This has to be against the founding of our country. I thought we had freedom in America? I guess we’ve decided to turn our backs on our founding fathers.
Whether it’s a choice or not is IRRELEVANT. That’s my position on it. Skin color and gender are not choices, and it’s wrong to dump on people for it. Religion is a choice, and it’s wrong to dump on people for it.
It’s just wrong to dump on people. Is it a choice? Is it DNA? Is it the weather? Yeah, who cares? It’s all just a semantic game to determine whether we get a moral pass-card for crapping on someone.
Here’s the answer: NO.
You NEVER get a pass for crapping on someone, and you NEVER have to justify your desire to not get crapped on. Whether it’s a free choice or not on YOUR part is not the point. The point is that it IS the hypothetical other person’s free choice NOT TO BE AN ASSHOLE.
“The “I didn’t choose to be this way” argument paints us as victims.”
“I’m talking about my right to choose, and my right not to be a victim of my birth.”
So which is it? Are you a victim of your birth, or someone who chooses to be a certain way, or someone who doesnt choose it at all, but is yet a victim of their own berth.
Your argument is fair on the grounds that no person is deserving of discrimination for what they ARE. But what they choose is something completely different. Societal structures werent exactly shaky constructs grasped from thin air you know. If my choice, whatever that may be should be fully welcomed regardless of its effects to society as a whole, you’re arguing for a lawless society void of any types of judgments on anything.
I suppose id have to know more about you and the lenghts you believe your choice should be extended to to really engage in any type of quality debate.
One question i have for you. What is a woman who is straight her whole life, married, has a family, then in 50′s or 60′s decides to move only to women. Does her reason for turning gay matter, or is her “choice” simply trump all? Can sexual orientation be as flimsy as the engrained lack of chioce that you claim it to be?
wow, very powerful post! and so many valid points too. I think at the end of the day you can choose, whether others see it as right or wrong, it does not matter. Because it’s your life, and you deal with the consequences of your actions and if your happy with it then that’s what really matters in the end. I think as long as you aint hurting anyone or breaking the law etc then live your life how you want to live it!!!! Have hope, faith and belief! ^_^
I cant quite imagine why a male will want to be a non-functional female, or the other way around. I think they are both disorders in the biological world.
Rod…I can’t quite imagine how you have such a limited imagination that you can’t conceive people who do not feel like you.
And I can’t quite imagine why you feel the need to make your loaded negativity heard in a forum that is attempting to provide empowerment.
Aren’t there enough places where you can go where people think just like you?
Just askin’…
[...] It’s Time to Lose ‘I Didn’t Choose’ (to be Transgender) I’m pro-choice, but in this case, I’m not talking about a woman’s right to choose. I’m talking [...] [...]
I absolutely love this post! You’ve shed light on such a controversial issue (that shouldn’t even be considered as controversial). I recently got the chance to meet a trans-person a few days ago and I really enjoyed hearing him speak about his transition and the difficulties he had throughout it. I’m glad so many people are willing to share their stories/ thoughts!
Excellent Blogging!
Hi Matt… great post. I see your argument, and sadly, yes, the “I didn’t choose” argument is a defensive measure employed probably by all of us at one point or another to simply get people off our backs. It’s a shame that society cannot accept the fact the people are different, that my transgender issues in actuality biologic in nature, and that I can certainly choose to do something about it, such as transition.
“It doesn’t matter whether I chose to be this way or not — what matters is that, by virtue of being a human being, I deserve the same rights as everyone else.”
SO very true….. and a dream to aspire to, and in embracing our transgenderdness, perhaps we one day may effect change for the better of us all. One can only hope.
~Keri
Perhaps we should say ‘I didn’t choose my culture’s prejudices’
At this time most people feel that being straight is a better life style. This is not because being gay is bad in any way, but straight people still have more rights at this time.
Great and interesting post
Fantastic post!
Personally, I haven’t read much about gender identity that focuses on the transgender perspective, and now I realize how much I’ve been missing. Thanks for such a thoughtful and important argument.
[...] post here at a site I just found. Matt makes the argument that we should get over the “I didn’t [...]
Wonderful entry on an excellent blog! What great resources you provide here. I’ll add you to my blogroll and continue to check back here.
Macgregor, I don’t think that you can assume that asking people to recognize their differences is the same thing as moral relitivism. We need rules that can help us lay out the difference between right and wrong. But those rules/social contracts should focus on eliminating things that cause human suffering, rape,murder, pedophilia…corrupt banks. We shouldn’t discriminate against people simply for living their lives in a way that makes them happy.
BTW, my anatomy class recently learned that there is actually something like 6 genders, not two. Its a physical reality, but even if it wasn’t…so what?
Good for you! I loved your post and I`m really grateful that there are people like you who speak out about this. One of my best friends is gay and I know he wouldn`t want to be straight if he could, and I wouldn`t want him to be either… `cause being a fag hag would be really odd then…
good post, i got some frens are gay and lesb, i will let them read this post!
Brilliant post!!!
I stumbled across this post and found that I enjoyed it.
I could get into a really long and probably boring post about questioning my straightness, or my life story, but I won’t. Instead, I will just blurt out the question that formed in my head after reading this, and will also apologize in advance for it being off topic and somewhat incendiary.
As pretty much the only pro-life lesbian in my community, why do we demand respect that we cannot even extend to life before it is born? Many of my friends are pro-choice, even militantly so, but also complain about being treated as second class humans. Why should we expect the same rights that we cannot grant to babies in the womb? Why are we better than them?
It is late, and I am rambling and probably should have just kept my mouth (keyboard?) shut, but I felt like it had to be said.
This is a great post.
I agree with your opinions. I’ve never really thought of these ideas… So this really made me think.
I found myself crying at the end of this point, I’m not really sure why. I think your point is outrageously valid and I couldn’t agree more. You would be hard pressed to find a black person say they wish they were white because it would be easier or a woman wish they were a man because they would have less struggles. I see no difference when it comes to sexual orientation. I am continually disappointed by society for condemning all that is different but that makes me even more proud and impressed by people like you who are proud to be who they are regardless of what people think or say. There is no normal, only arrogance and judgment. While I am sure you have faced much pain, disrespect and hatred in your life know that there are people out there that think you are pretty inspirational and absolutely perfect just the way you are.
Thank you all so much for reading and responding. I’m overwhelmed with the response that this has gotten.
I’m working on a post for tomorrow to respond to some of the questions and points that have been made, but I just want to thank everyone who has come by to offer opinions (pro and con), support, and personal stories.
I’m very flattered and very honored that you have all taken the time and interest, and that you have shared your own thoughts and stories with me and other readers.
Thank you again. And there’s plenty of room for more comments, so have at it! I’m grateful for them all.
Well, given that the invite is out there, I won’t apologize for making a 65th post….this is a really needed discussion, clearly, in the LGBT community…
As a genderqueer who identified as FTM for my early young adulthood–taking hormones, changing my legal status, living as male, etc–I have in the past few years decided to let my (very fluid) gender be other people’s problem, rather than my own. This has led to some hard and uncomfortable conversations with a few FTM friends, who see genderqueerness as some sort of illegitimate half-sister or childish political protest.
The line of choice is very interesting here. I felt I could have “chosen” to be male or chosen to return to a female identity/appearance/status. Instead I have chosen to be myself. Which, it turns out, makes many people uncomfortable (and sometimes delighted
…).It’s interesting to single out LGBT folk on this issue, when I think all of us our going about life making decisions about how authentically to be ourselves (how to dress, when to say what we really think, etc.) For some of us, at some points, this becomes an issue of survival. But I do not for a second believe that that is isolated to the queer experience.
I think the point is that we are asking the wrong question when we say, is being LGB *or* T a choice or not? A better question might be, how do we live our experiences in their complexity? I think you are on the right track when you encourage us to walk away from self-victimization.
Empowerment, in my opinion, lies in the ownership of grief and celebration simultaneously.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by dana marie, ….. …. said: http://tranifesto.com/2010/06/01/its-time-to-lose-i-didnt-choose-to-be-transgender/ [...]
Gay, Lesbian, Trans people are just as normal as any of us straight people. If anything they are truer to themselves. The ones who actively show that they are gay, les, trans are the true heroes.
Yes!
I choose to be queer and trans every day: http://thisiswhatamanlookslike.wordpress.com/2009/11/24/by-choice/
Loved your post. Makes such valid points. I am straight- and I did not choose to be this way either…
).
I thank you, all of you, for your willingness to “carry the torch” into the future. Somebody has to do it.
Keep your eyes on the light at the end of the tunnel.
songbird makes an interesting point…if it is the easy way we are looking for, then being neither gay nor straight would be the idea…being perfectly non-sexual is the easy way, without the heartbreak, danger, and disappointments of relationships we should all be happier right…no kids to worry about, no disgruntled mate of whatever gender, no one to feel responsible for, and even spend hard earned money and effort trying to please…going solo, no sex! Funny, for such an easy way out, why more people don’t choose this path…? Pat Banatar beautifully spoofed this in her 1980′s masterpiece of satire, “My Clone Sleeps Alone”
Roger C
Good, good way of putting this.
I had a lady in the store tell me she hoped her daughter was a lesbian because she didn’t want her to get pregnant early. Okay then.
I don’t want the hassle and I don’t want to be looked at as if I have a birth defect.
I was born black. I was born female. I have no defect that isn’t shared by the rest of the human population. I was born with human flaws, period.
Faith
This post really boosts up someone’s courage! I am straight, but one of my best friend isn’t, and he’s started to take himself away from the society with his growing “abnormal wants”, as he puts it. I encourage him as much as I can but pff….
I’ll sent him your post… I dunno what to do… he’s closing on himself… he thinks that we are being ridiculed along with him, so he doesn’t wanna roam around wid us anymore. Gosh, I really dunno what to do to bring him back to himself again…
The worst, he tried to go out wid a girl, and that turned out bad, and now he’s ashamed of himself.
I’m using your post, can I?
This post really boosts up someone’s courage! I am straight, but one of my best friend isn’t, and he’s started to take himself away from the society with his growing “abnormal wants”, as he puts it. I encourage him as much as I can but pff….
I’ll sent him your post… I dunno what to do… he’s closing on himself… he thinks that we are being ridiculed along with him, so he doesn’t wanna roam around wid us anymore. Gosh, I really dunno what to do to bring him back to himself again…
The worst, he tried to go out wid a girl, and that turned out bad, and now he’s ashamed of himself.
I’m using your post, can I?
My gay best friend is proud of being gay and wouldn’t have it any other way!
But. He says that it’s very hard to be out. There are a lot of evil/scared people in the world that doesn’t like it. (It’s usually a big problem when it comes to older people especially. Like when his mum is dating and they don’t accept him being gay. Or the fact that he can’t tell his grandparents because they wouldn’t accept it. That sort of stuff).
What should they care? It’s who he is and he is a wonderful person! Hence one of my best friends!
Bravo!
It’s the disease of heteronormativity that puts ‘straight’ and ‘not straight’ as polar opposites. Which, of course, they aren’t! At risk of sounding terribly cliched, we’re all bloody well equal, no matter what our sexuality or gender.
It’s a process of crass socialisation that needs to be undone. Sure, it’ll be a long and wary process, but posts like this one express exactly the way everyone should be thinking.
You’ve put it very well indeed.
R
“It’s not the homosexuals and transgendered who are perverse, it’s the society that makes them feel like they are.”
I think that’s kind of the quote, and for the life of me, I can’t remember who said it.
Love your post, love your argument. Rock on
There’s a reason why people perceive straight to be the default, or “normal”: because it is.
Even Aristotle, who wrote in a culture inundated with same-sex influence about 2400 years ago, in the first book of the Politics, identifies a primary and natural social union that occurs by virtue of the need for survival of a species: male and female. And, he says, it is upon this unit (i.e. the family) that the entire political state rests.
To put it quite frankly–and with all due respect, I assure you–nature itself, in its organic functions and tendencies, is written with heterosexuality as a norm. Although some “do not choose” to be gay or lesbian (something I am not, and so I cannot attest to the truth or falsity of that claim personally), the simple fact is that nature does choose opposite sex attraction as a route to survival and the perpetuation of the species.
If one separates him/herself from the larger, natural picture, the gay and lesbian lifestyle makes perfect sense. Granted. But in the context of natural laws, discernible even as strictly scientific laws, homosexuality in human persons is resolutely unnatural and, therefore, un-”normal.”
http://cfmpl.wordpress.com
You make an excellent point I hadn’t considered when hearing all the conservatives — there are loads; I, unfortunately, live in the Deep South — who don’t want to outright condemn the LGBT community, so they go with the “born that way” argument. Which makes being gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered sound like some kind of birth defect that can’t be “corrected” with therapy or medicine or whatever. And that sounds even more offensive than the religious right saying “homosexuals need to come to church and be saved.”
[...] more: It’s Time to Lose ‘I Didn’t Choose’ (to be Transgender) Share and [...]
I applaud the strength of your convictions and beliefs. Great post!
it’s good you made it on ‘freshly pressed’, this is a good and important post, and very insighty for people who don’t know anything about transgender etc.. the comments so far show how much people still struggle to just accept how different we all are. WHY doesn’t really matter, or at least it shouldn’t.
i believe insecurities on all sides are the reason our (western) societies, inspite of all the laws put in place, make it still so difficult and people have to come up with ‘reasons’ and justifications.
why can’t people just BE and everybody moves on ?
Children have a great unspoiled view on difference.
they point out somebody, you tell them what they are.
I usually add “we’re all different”. And that’s it.
I’ve always felt this way about “not choosing” (for me being Queer) but you are the first person to express it in such a way that truly brings all my feelings on the subject to reality. Thank you I’ll definantly be stopping back by.
I fully support your position. I have always encorporated the phrase “I didn’t choose” to mean nothing more than that being gay or transgender is not a choice. Beyond that, I would hope and pray that gay people have no desire to be other than how they are. Self-esteem stems from self acceptance. You are right to point this out, and I too hope that such language is replaced so that no one gets the wrong idea.
[...] I'm pro-choice, but in this case, I'm not talking about a woman's right to choose. I'm talking about my right to choose, and my right not to be a victim of my birth. I just finished watching a new indie gay and lesbian film that had an interesting premise, but I felt like I was back in the '70s, with the word "homosexual" being thrown around all the time, even by the gay and lesbian characters, and this little gem coming from one of the young les … Read More [...]
[...] The Language of Choice: It’s Time to Lose ‘I Didn’t Choose’ (to be Transgender) (via Matt Kailey) By Morganna If you’ve ever thought about sexual and gender identity and their relationship (and lack thereof) to choice, then I highly recommend reading the blog post that follows. I’m pro-choice, but in this case, I’m not talking about a woman’s right to choose. I’m talking about my right to choose, and my right not to be a victim of my birth. I just finished watching a new indie gay and lesbian film that had an interesting premise, but I felt like I was back in the ’70s, with the word “homosexual” being thrown around all the time, even by the gay and lesbian characters, and this little gem coming from one of the young les … Read More [...]
In response to Rod, who wondered why someone would want to be a “non-functional” male or female:
Truth is, transgendered persons don’t *want* to be non-functional anything. We just want to be the gender we feel ourselves to be, and reproductive sterility – I assume that’s what you mean by “non-function” – is an unfortunate side effect of that process. Recognizing as most of us do that a person’s value is not tied up in their ability to make babies – after all, we can write, change laws, teach others, adopt children, and employ many different means to contribute to our society – it is a side effect that we choose to accept. With all respect to you, I find the very perception that our value is somehow tied up in our reproductive capacity to be deeply offensive. As, no doubt, would my aunt and uncle, who have never been able to bear children but have contributed by spoiling their nieces and nephews rotten at Christmas, as well as Queen Elizabeth the First and thousands of nuns throughout history.
Understanding this as we trans people tend to, we have weighed our options quite carefully, and determined – for our own sake, if nothing else – that it is better to be a “non-functional” person of one sex than a fully fertile, but miserable, person of the other.
Thanks for that, AnonyMouse…
Your response was far more elegant than mine, I’m afraid to say…
This is an answer to Andrew Haines above:
Yes, it would be very bad for the future of humanity if all people were homosexual! But only about 10% are, and we can live with that. In fact, it would be better if more people were homosexual, asexual or transgendered, because we are already far too many humans on this planet.
And what is natural? And unnatural?
Natural is something that comes from nature, that exists and evolves by itself. Unnatural is something that is constructed, evolved or developed consciously by us. So, homosexuality is perfectly natural.
Natural are also a few much worse parts of human behavior such as rape, bullying, or war. And good things such as literacy, warm clothes, medicine, glasses, backpacks, laws, and firemen…. are unnatural!
“Natural/unnatural” isn’t a valid argument. It’s a non-argument, in fact.
I found this at Sherry’s place, A Feather Adrift, and fully agree with what you are saying. Bigotry is the only thing that prevents people from living their own lives without harassment for who they are.
Well at first, jusging by the title of this post, I was afraid this was going to bash trans people and gay and lesbian people by saying that it is a choice. But you didn’t. I’m glad.
I agree. I think by painting ourselves as victims, we only increase the power the rest of the world has. If we want power, then we have to stand up and take it, instead of cowering in the corner saying “it’s not my fault.”
wow, i love this post. great point.
i read the title, and i thought this post was going to be a bash. i did. i was prepared to be kinda sad. but it wasn’t, and i love all the points you made.
feeling like you wish you weren’t who you are isn’t right. wishing to be not gay is something sad, and i wish that people didn’t make people feel that way. And letting people tell you that you should wish to be something else because what you are isn’t good enough…sad.
great post. really inspiring, in a way.
I really can’t add a single personal word to this, and I generally hate just saying ‘nice job’ to somebody I don’t know, but this is really smart; and maybe I’m just latching on to something smart, but in this case, it is definitely well-worth whatever follows.
Cheers.
I always love your blog posts, but this one was really great
I often say “I didn’t choose to be transgender, but I did choose to transition”, because I see it as a good starting point to talk about the difference between what you are and what you do. Though the last year or so, I’ve added “just like you/others didn’t choose to be cisgender, but did chose not to transition” (since most people never even thought of transitioning I love pointing that out)
Way too often I find myself in silly arguments with people who say things like “If you’ve made the decision to become a man, you shouldn’t be allowed to keep your ovaries” or “it’s ok if you want to be a man, as long as you don’t spend my tax money”, so then the “choice” thing is really an issue to work around.
Once again, thanks to everyone for stopping by, reading, and commenting. I never thought that the title would be misleading, but for those of you who were prepared for a bash, I’m glad that you stuck around and read it.
And trollhare, I understand what you mean. I still would counter the “choice” argument with “When did you choose to be straight?” or “Do you remember how old you were when you chose your gender?”
It really galls me when people say that these young children are “choosing” their gender when kids start demonstrating signs of being trans. Non-trans kids know their gender early on, and there is no reason to think that trans kids would not as well.
And that “my tax money” thing really annoys me. Every month, when I pay my insurance premium, I’m paying for not only my own medical treatments, but other people’s, as well. That’s what insurance is. And when my tax dollars go to government-sponsored medical programs, I feel that this is money well-spent compared to waging war and bailing out financial crooks.
I hope that the person who makes that argument never has a medical condition that needs to be treated. But if he or she ever does, I would rather see my tax dollars go to help–they’re going somewhere, and I would rather have them help someone who really needs it.
Anyway, again, thanks to all for reading and I hope you come back! For those of you who are just arriving, keep up the discussion.
[...] and it features discussion and opinion related to trans issues. The post WordPress featured was this one–a great introduction to a great blog. It’s very well-written and offers interesting and [...]
Nice blog, I am going to bookmark it. I look forward to future posts.
I would like to convey my passion for your kindness for all those that should have assistance with this particular content. Your real commitment to passing the message all around appears to be surprisingly functional and have really permitted regular people like me to achieve their targets. Your entire interesting instruction denotes much to me and a whole lot more to my office colleagues. Thanks a ton; from each one of us.
Another beautiful post, Matt. I tweeted this one too. It’s a must read!