This is the real, honest-to-god page (in my mother’s handwriting) that my parents used to decide my boy name and my girl name before I was born. They crossed out each one until they narrowed it down to two – one for a girl, and one for a boy. I was almost Della (after Della Reese), but I guess they liked Jennifer just a little better.
When I was born on St. Pat’s Day, they changed “Marie” to “Kathleen” (more Irish), and when I changed my name to Matthew, I added an extra “t” because I liked that spelling better. But this is how I chose my guy name. There was another one on the back burner, but this made the decision easier.
But if you didn’t have obsessive parents who saved everything (yes, even a strand of hair) in your baby book, there are some things you might want to consider if you’re in the process of choosing your new name:
1. Ease of pronunciation – not for other people … for you! There’s something about the way that my palate is shaped that causes people to think that I’m saying “Max” or “Nat” when I say “Matt.” I have taken to saying, “Matt – short for Matthew,” when I introduce myself so that people will understand me on the first go-round.
This potential problem never even occurred to me. So say your new name out loud a few times to make sure that you and your tongue are both comfortable with it.
2. Gender – yours and your name’s. Most cultures have gendered names, although some can be neutral. You certainly don’t have to choose a gendered name, and if other people’s gender confusion is not important to you (or if you delight in it), then don’t give it a second thought.
But if being correctly gendered at all times – even, and especially, on the phone – is important to you, then you’re better off with Elizabeth or Robert than with Pat or Gene/Jean.
3. Ethnic background – yours and your name’s. If you live in the United States, it’s possible that your family attempted to “Americanize” or “Anglicize” their children’s names in order to make them more “mainstream” or widely acceptable.
(I used to have a Polish boyfriend, of immigrant parents, whose first and last names were a complete conundrum for some in the U.S. to spell and pronounce. But his parents gave him the middle name of “Jim” in case he wanted an “American” name. He went with the Polish one.)
If you have an ethnic heritage that you would like to celebrate, you might consider a name that reflects that. Now that you are outwardly becoming the person that you truly are, you have the chance to honor every part of yourself. (And don’t forget – you can change your last name, too.)
4. Age – yours and your name’s. Depending on how important assimilation is to you, you might want to consider the era in which you were born. A 60-year-old woman named Ke$ha or a 60-year-old man named Keanu might stand out some. It doesn’t really matter – it all depends on your goals. There are plenty of websites that will provide you with popular names for your birth year or decade if it matters to you.
5. Fads – coming and going. Certain names are timeless and others tend to be more of-the-moment. If you have always loved Paris, France, then the name Paris will have a special meaning to you that will probably last a lifetime. If you just caught Paris Hilton on some new reality show and thought she was cool, give it a little more time (please).
But the true test of any name is that a) your really love it, and/or b) it means something to you, and/or c) it just feels right. That will be a name you can live with.
What else should people consider? How did you choose your name?
I came upon “Reese” because when my girlfriend’s two-and-a-half year old son would try to say my birth name “Theresa” all he could say was Reesa. We shortened it to Reese. For me, it was nice way to merge both my past and my future. I love it.
By the way, I realize “Reese” can be both a male and female name (as in Reese Witherspoon), but it works for me.
It’s also the last name of the hot Michael Biehn character on The Terminator, which those who read my post yesterday know that I watched for the 25th time while ironing my clothes. His character’s name is Kyle Reese or Reece. I like it.
I was determined to not name myself a name that belongs to someone I know. It felt embarrassing to imagine someone might think I named myself after them!
The name thing was always a very difficult issue for me. Back in 1991 when I had my first attempt at transition I never did come up with more than a joke name…and then I stopped the transition after 10 months or so…
This time I had a number of criteria. I wanted my new name to:
1) Not be a name of someone I know.
2) Be 2 syllables
3) Start with the syllable “Da” (as in “day”)
#3 came out of my Dad’s sometimes habit of calling me “Da Da” (as in “day day”). I thought it might make it easier for him.
I finally landed on “Daya”. I liked the sound and flow of it. I Googled it and discovered that it means “compassion” in the Sikh religion. That sold me.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daya
It’s not the easiest name for people to pronounce. Even my doctor calls me “Die-ahh”. I have to correct people a lot.
But I’m very confident I picked the right name. I get lots of compliments too. People say “That’s such a petty name.”…and I say “Thank you, I made it up myself!”
I think it’s amazing that you have that checklist, Matt. It’s great that you can trace you own history like that!!
I’ve always thought it would be terribly interesting to research the names trans folks pick for themselves. The woman who runs http://www.babynamewizard.com takes a very statistical approach to naming trends, which I’d never really considered before. I’d love to see what kind of trends might emerge if you had the data… (even beyond birth name and chosen name – like you mentioned, year of birth and year of name choice could also be interesting).
[That site is also where I learned about the huge popularity surge of "Aidan" and spelling/rhyming variations - Aiden, Kaiden, Braydon, etc - which is a name set I feel like I've seen a lot of trans guys use... hehe]
All 3 of those are names of my late brother, and two nephews respectively… Wowzers.
I’ve chosen to move away from my French Canadian roots and reflect more of my European. My chosen first name, Keri, actually is a short form of Kerridwen, and also relates to my online persona in WoW. I feel it’s a nice feminine first name, which goes well with Marie as a middle name. I am also planning on changing my last name to McDonnell, which is in honor of my grandmother, whose name was MacDonald. I have Scottish and Irish in me and my name choice reflects that.
What I am curious about is how many people choose to change their last names, and why. It’s still not totally decided for me, but my reasoning is a total break from the past, as well as my father and that side of the family. One potential hang-up may be how my 12 year old son reacts … He may not like it, but also I figure changing my last is a means of insulating him…. Still a decision to make before November….
~Keri
That is interesting about last names, because I do know some people who have changed both first and last (well, and middle), and I know many who have not. My original choice, the one I had on the back burner, was a major change in both first and last name. I experimented with it. I have no kids, so that wouldn’t have mattered. I can see your point both ways with your son.
But the one thing that kept me from changing my last name was my parents, even though they were dead. I remembered this list. I had seen it in my baby book a few times, so went to my baby book and got it out. That’s when I decided to go with Matthew Scott. But I also decided that I was the last of this strain of Kaileys (myself and my sister). My parents had really done some wonderful things in their life, and I think the name meant something to them – both of them, because my mother was a foster child and didn’t really have a centered feeling about her past. And it was not a common name. I just didn’t have the heart to give it up. It had some identity for me based on how proud I was of my parents.
But I would like to hear from people who have changed their last name as well and why they decided to do that. The whole name-change thing would make for an interesting study.
I chose a name that my mother had intended for me “if I had been born a boy” similarly to you. It feels nice to know that there was intention behind it, although that isn’t a crucial deciding factor for everyone.
I wanted a name that’s “comfortable”. Not too remarkable and not too long. It also had to fit with my last name.
It happens to be the name of a famous person I related to and admired very much at that time, but even though I have grown out of my tendency to idolize dead and fictional people, it’s still a good name.
I spent over a year and a half trying to pick new names. I read through lists of names and tried on a bunch, and though I liked a lot of them, none of them were ever quite right. It wasn’t until I stopped trying to find ‘acceptable’ names that I thought everyone else would like that I was able to come to a decision. All three of the names I picked (Yes, I had three names to change) are exactly the ones I wanted. They’re a little silly and unconventional, the second one is the name of a favorite tv show character of mine, and the third is a name I completely made up as a kid, but each of them have a very special, deep meaning to me that no other names I, or some one else, could have picked would ever have. I still get goose bumps when I look at my new id and see my full name on it.
So I guess the only thing I can add to this is, don’t worry too much about what other people will think of what you pick. Don’t shy away from a name you love because it’s unconventional. It’s YOUR name, you’re allowed to be a little selfish when you pick it.
I chose to change my whole name. A friend and I sat down about 8 years ago to pick a nickname for me, and Mikey just seemed to be the one that fit the most. I took my grandfathers middle name as my own. And I’ve always had a close connection to wolves, so Wolf just seemed to fit as a last name.
I asked my mother what my name would have been, had I been “born a boy”… but Bambi just didn’t work for me lol
I’m one of the ones who’s decided to change my last name, though I haven’t done it yet since I’m pre-transition.
For me, the last name I have just comes with too much baggage. The least of it is that most of the relatives who share my name are really nutty and annoying people whom I rarely ever have anything to do with. But more importantly, my parents, who bestowed the name upon me to begin with, have completely destroyed any chance they might have had at persuading me to [i]want[/i] to honor them like that. There was a huge fight over a clash of opinion, and while I know they consider it “water under the bridge,” one must note that the fight only ended when I pretended to accept their opinion. That pretty much skooshed any desire of mine to consider myself an important part of the family.
Also of lesser importance: my original name is difficult for most people to pronounce (despite being perfectly English-compliant), and I would have changed it anyway if I’d stayed a girl and gotten married, so it’s not like the family is missing out.
As for my first name, it’s simple: I’ve got ancestors with that name whom I admire, it’s a common name, no one in my family has it, and it resonates with me. I had thought about using the name my parents would have given me if I’d been born a boy, but then I don’t really want to use anything they came up with and I have a cousin who uses that name, so… yeah.
Sometimes it’s best just to make a clean break. If you have no attachments, or if you have negative attachments, to your family name, changing your first and last name will allow you to make that break and move on. So it sounds to me like that’s going to be the absolute best thing for you. Nothing will hold you back. Congratulations!
Funny thing, I “knew” my correct name was Cathy when I was quite young and it wasn’t the one my parents had chosen. They planned on “Gloria” and I am so not a Gloria. I hated my given name for other reasons besides the obvious, I was named after a second uncle who was the most gynophobic ass that ever drew breath. He tortured me at his scout camp for three summers in a row for being myself and named after him.
The only decision at transition was the formal version, I chose the Welsh variant, Cathryn, as it was somewhat unique although I’ve had a number of trans-women copy it since.
Even though I never felt a part of my father’s side of the family, I kept the family name and the middle name, which was my father’s as well. Even though I still have a lot of issues with him long after his passing, it felt too disrespectful to change that. Sometimes I regret that.
Cathryn and it’s variants means pure and unsullied. Careful about the meanings of your new name, I’ve had a very limited sex life LOL.
Wow, maybe Matthew means something pure, too, because I can relate to the limited sex life! Maybe I should have chosen Don Juan or something.
I always knew that the ‘alternate’ name picked out for me was ‘Benjamin Lee’. However, I never really felt that name. I was drawn to several ‘Anthony’s (you do not know how hard it is for me to now type that with a y), and in my homeroom was a guy named ‘Anthoni’. I totally took it, but I’m not ashamed, and it fits me. It’s nice because the ‘i’ can be taken as a throwback to an americanized form of the french ‘Antoine’, which celebrates my québecois heritage. That’s what I tell people anyway. I took Benjamin as my middle name though as a nod to my parents.
Wow. This post relates to my life in a large way right now, because I am searching (have been since January, officially) for my new name. I have the middle and last, but still narrowing down options for the first.
I am not close to my father’s family, my last name has always been misspelled and mispronounced, and the sound/look/feel of it has never appealed to me. I thought about taking a symbolic last name, after an element or word that was meaningful, but part of me wanted to reassure my family that a name change was not a break from the family– and I suppose I have a conventional side that likes the concept of family names. Around the same time, I was doing geneology research, and I found the baptised, married name of my Cherokee great-great-grandmother, someone so important to my personal mythology– her last name was Meadows. Good connotations, easy to say and spell, so I am taking her name: bringing it forward and honouring her.
My middle name was spontaneously created my my partner; after research, it combines the Hebrew for “pearl” and the Japanese for “young man,” which is offbeat and awesome. I want to include him in this process, and remind him of his importance. (Plus, it is a great name.)
Still searching for the first name. If anyone else is in the same position, I recommend nameberry.com, babynamewizard.com, and the message boards at parentsconnect.com (those parents are SO eager to help!).
Mr. Meadows (hehe)
I chose my first name based on my fascination with it since childhood. It’s an irish name but I’m mostly english in DNA, but since I look very irish, it kind of makes sense. Plus, I chose the anglicized version – the original irish name is Ciaran – so I don’t feel I’m “stealing” another culture’s name. Interesting, though I changed my first name 8 years ago, I just recently decided on my middle name (it was actually just last night). Back when I changed my name, my middle name became my middle initial because no middle name I could come up with made sense or felt right. And then, last night I was just wondering what I would call my self if I hadn’t settled on Kian so easily and voila – the name Grant just tumbled out. The awesome part is that the first three letters are exactly the same as my former middle name. I’ve decided that I’m going to start using it.
I thought about changing my last name because I have no relationship with my father, but I kept it because I like it.
I really wish I had thought about your first point. When was early in transition, people thought I was saying Karen, because I tend to mumble and slur my words. It drove me crazy! Now people think I’m saying Keenan and sometimes I’m too lazy to correct them if I think I’ll never see them again.
I have no idea how I chose my name. It’s been over ten years since. But when I was thinking of different options, I even looked through rare-word dictionaries to find cool words that started with my same initials. I ended up keeping my original choice, and then modifying my middle name to keep the same amount of syllables and same general sounds as before.
As a writer I’m a huge fan of baby name books already so looking up the meanings really helped, especially with my middle name. You mention to see when names were popular too; one of my favorite websites for this is nymbler.com, which suggests names based on ones you like if you’re looking for a similar sounding name.
I changed my name in an unusual way. My mother named me after someone very important to her, and I cared about it enough that I wanted to keep my first and middle name in some form. I also wanted to distance myself from my father’s last name. So I made my first name my last name with a slight change, kept my middle name, and picked a new first name.
I went with something gender-neutral on purpose, for two reasons. First, at the time I didn’t know if I could make the jump to “full time” without facing serious job discrimination, so it kept my options open. Two, people kept mishearing the name I was using before the legal change, and I found it a lot easier to not have to keep correcting people.
These name stories are fascinating. So much goes into it and it’s so important. I don’t think a lot of people realize how much thought is really put into it.
It was tough but this seems to fit most.
It was this or Cory, Matthew, or Alex.
But Efrain is/was my fathers middle name. I haven’t seen him since I was six.
It’s Guatemalan and I liked how it wasn’t normal.
When I first came out, I had no idea what to call myself, so my girlfriend at the time named me. After we broke up, I realised the only reason I’d gone with that name for so long, was because I was attached to her – not the name.
I came up with Scott, partially because I’d always liked the name, and partially because it’s a traditionally Scottish name, while my last name is traditionally English – the same as my parents.
That’s my middle name. I don’t know why my parents chose that, but I do have ancestors from Scotland, so I guess it fits me as well. Good choice!
I tried the name my parents were going to give me for about 3 weeks, but it just didn’t feel right to me.
So instead, I chose the name “Asher” because it is extremely similar to my birth name of Amber (only two letters different). It was important to me to pick something close so I’d actually respond to it, and because I honestly like my birth name. I also liked that it could be shortened to ‘Ash’ which is fairly gender neutral. So far the response to it as a name has been positive.
I spent hours on the baby name sites and I think at one point I had a list of over 30 first names, but Cade was the only one that really fit me. For my legal name change though, I haven’t quite figured out how to spell it. Legally I will be a Caden or Kaiden or Kaydin or some other form of it, but I will go by Cade or Kaid or something like that. Hopefully I get it figured out soon as I’m attempting to get my name changed by fall.
I went with Jamie for 2 reasons, obviously, it was a very short ways away from James, but also when I was younger it was what all of my classmates called me to emasculate me. It was painful then and I made the decision to “take it back” for myself once I acknowledged my trans identity
Jamie D’amour
[...] if you like it. I've also found this site during one of my late night internet surfing sprees
5 Things To Consider When Choosing A Name __________________ ~TJ Chocolate is my [...]
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[...] pleasant stuff. n_n I have this link here which I've shared on this site in other thread before: Five Things To Consider When Choosing A Name Also try writing out your signature. Hope I've helped a little. If not, well hey, I tried ;P [...]