There are some things that just can’t be explained – like why I ate three desserts at Country Buffet last night, or how I ended up where I am … or maybe I mean who I am … today.
I promised a while back that I would share the very bizarre story of my gender therapist, and that is what I am about to do.
I’m not a big believer in fate (although I’m getting bigger after those three desserts). But when people say, “There are no coincidences,” this is what they’re talking about. Here’s the short version:
I had “gender issues” from the time I was about 10, but I didn’t know them as such. We didn’t have the Internet back then, and researching such things using the library’s Dewey Decimal System was out of the question. I didn’t even try, though, because I didn’t realize that there was anything to research. All I knew was that I was supposed to be a boy and that I was the only one in the whole world who felt that way.
But since I also knew that being a boy was impossible, I went on to be the best girl that I could be. Of course, the gender issues didn’t go away, and if you’re trans, I don’t need to explain in too much detail how I could bury them, only to have them claw their way to the surface again like the zombies in The Night of the Living Dead. The only problem was that I didn’t have the brains to figure it out.
Fast forward to age 42. I had a great marriage that I don’t talk about, and I felt that it was falling apart. I wanted to save my marriage. So I made an appointment with a therapist through my HMO. For my own reasons, I made the appointment at the clinic that was farthest from both my job and my home. I had to drive for miles to get there.
I requested a man, but the only therapist available there was a woman. I was going to decline, but I decided I would “give her a chance” (how generous of me).
For the first couple of sessions, we talked about my marriage. I didn’t talk about “gender issues” because I still didn’t know I had them, which is why I didn’t realize that they were causing the problems. Then I said something casually, in the middle of a conversation, that I thought meant nothing, but she jumped on it.
I said, “Well, I’ve always wanted to be a guy.”
She said, “What did you say?”
I said, “Oh, nothing. It’s just me. I’m crazy.”
She said, “No, I want to know what you said.”
So I repeated it. And then she said, “What do you mean by that?” So I told her.
She didn’t say anything, but when I left, she gave me some books and handouts and said, “I want you to take these home and read them. Then come back in two weeks and tell me what you think.”
So I took them home and read them. And I came back in two weeks and said, “This is me.” And the rest, as they say, is history.
It turned out that this woman – who worked as a therapist at an HMO, who was stationed at the far reaches of the earth, nowhere near where I worked or lived, who I went to for marriage counseling, not gender issues, and who I didn’t want to see in the first place because she was a woman – was actually a specialist in gender issues. At an HMO. At a little satellite office on the far, far outskirts of Denver.
Bizarre so far, right? And this woman guided me through my “gender issues” and right through my transition.
But it wasn’t until several months into therapy that it suddenly occurred to me to wonder why this woman at an HMO at a little satellite office on the far, far outskirts of Denver knew so much about gender stuff and just happened to have books and handouts at arm’s reach in her office.
Take a guess.
And that, as Paul Harvey used to say, is the rest of the story.
(Note: Because I have been getting so many “Ask Matt” inquiries, I have decided that Mondays will be “Ask Matt Monday” – because I like alliteration. So if you have an “Ask Matt” question, watch for the answer on a Monday. If there are no “Ask Matt” questions, then Mondays will just be … Monday Monday. I think there’s a song in there somewhere.)
Wow Matt,
I read your posting and well lile many of us it is my story. However the difference is I beleive in a higher power. Matt; growing up as you did, feeling that I was in my situation as girl, but tried to be the best guy I could. I too got married, but on the way to the wedding in the limo I was thinking I should really be the bride. Now I tried very hard to bury my feelings. I actually found Christine Jorgensens autobiography in the public library by “accident”. Was this the first intervention by a higher power? I read this book cover to cover, I devoured it and thought God this is my story. I know had name for what I was feeling and tried to find information about transsexualism. I too grew up before computers and the internet. I remember when Howdy Dowdy were not reruns. Oh, we had a balck and white tv. Fast forward, and I am really struggling with who I know I am vs who I present as. I have a job, a family and a child. I could not longer endure the pain so I decided to make the pain go away in the guise of a traffic accident. Hey you come off an interstate at too high a speed and lose control and hit a tree, oh well. I had prayed for helped, and it came in the form of finding out about Rennssaince a support group for those who are transsexual or crossdress. Unfortunately being able to present as me once or twice a month only fanned the flames of wanting to be me. I begain planning how I would make the pain go away. I had the place, the how all that was missing was the when. I was still asking for help from God. One day I nt the Rennassaince News leter was an ad for a support group of those feel they are transsexual. It was the first ad my therapist ever placed. Well that was 18+ years ago. Today I am a very successful middle aged woman who is enjoying life. My family stayed intact and while our realtionships have adjusted to my new life style, we live a very normal life.
- Terribly Tempting Tuesday
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- Sinfully Stagnant Sunday
No? I tried.
I love this and it ended up in spam for some reason, but I rescued it and now here it is, on Sinfully Stagnant Sunday.
I think I know the therapist of whom you speak. Saw her myself!
Great story, Matt. I’m a big believer in fate too and that if we’re open to it, the Universe will help things align for us. And I’m from the same era as you, so I know what you mean about not even knowing what or where to research, or how to even begin to figure out what was missing. I envy the younger guys who are getting the info at an early age and finding the right resources to do something about it.
Like you, I was married once and I’m sure my then-buried gender issues didn’t help the situation, but there were other issues too, so my marriage would have fallen apart anyway. Unlike you, however, by the time I found my therapist, I had already figured out I had gender issues but didn’t think I could do anything about my situation. I went to him because I needed someone to talk things out with and none of my friends were qualified to help.
As a youngster I had gone through a variety of butch and fem phases, trying to find the right comfort level for me and had finally settled on an androgynous look because I never imagined it would be possible to actually live as male – it was just unheard of back then.
My big epiphany came in my mid 40′s. One day, my (then) best friend, and the one person who I thought understood me well, revealed that he wanted to give me a makeover. As he proceeded to give me details of the glamour girl look he wanted to accomplished, I felt myself getting physically ill and I lashed out at him. Once I calmed down, I realized why I railed against him so violently and that led me to explore my real feelings, which soon led me to therapy, and finally to the real me.
Thanks for sharing your story, Matt. I wonder what else the Universe has in store for us.
Thanks for sharing.
I have to share this, only because you reminded me of it and it’s kind of funny. You look exactly like my first therapist. When I saw your picture, I was blown away. I was convinced my therapist moved half-way across the country, changed his name to Matt and never told me he was trans. Only months later and many google searches later did I convince myself that it was impossible. Okay, now I sound weird, but it made sense at the time!
I love this story. I’ve re-read it three times already. There’s something fantastic about how the right people happen to turn up in our paths. I’m so glad you found that therapist!
Thanks for sharing your story. I had been curious about how your therapist recognized your gender issues.
My gender issues came up on a test several years ago when I was going to therapy for other issues. One of the questions was had I ever wished to be the opposite sex and I had marked yes. I had always thought it was normal for a female to want to be a guy and to hate being female. The therapist asked me about why I had said yes and I was so afraid that she would think I was weird that I mumbled something about how much sexism females face. Even after this I still thought how I felt was normal (can we say “denial”?).
About four years later, I finally realized that I like girls (that realization took awhile too) as well as guys. Then a couple of weeks later, I can’t remember how it happened, maybe it was a link on a lesbian message board or maybe I did type in something like “want to be a boy” but I stumbled across an ftm website and it clicked. “This is me!” I thought. And even then it was hard for me to believe that most female like being female. I tried to like it, but the dysphoria never went away and now has gotten worse. So now several years later, I’m trying to transition.
Thanks for all your comments. To me, this was one of the strangest “coincidences” ever.
And I’m not so sure that I was clear enough about my ending. The strangest thing of all was that she was trans herself. That took me forever to figure out.
But, as the saying goes, when you’re ready to learn the lesson, the teacher will appear, and this is pretty much what happened.
not directly related, but this reminded me of how/when i (more or less by accident) realised i was trans. early twenties, i was in an intensive day-clinic program after a bad breakdown.
one day my therapist, wondering about my apparently non-existent sexuality, remarks that there’s nothing wrong with being gay. i found myself laughing, if only! how could i be gay if i didn’t even want to be a guy?