A reader writes: “I interact with a clerk almost every day at a certain coffee shop. We talk to each other when I get my coffee, but I’m not sure if this person is a man or a woman. I’m also not sure if this person is trans or not. How can I find out without asking?”
Although this question came from a non-trans reader, it could just as easily have come from a trans reader. Although our “gen-dar” and “trans-dar” might be better developed than in non-trans people, they are not always 100 percent accurate.
Regardless, for anyone, trans or not, who has this question, I would first ask you a question that is not meant to be dismissive or snippy, but is intended to help you explore your own thoughts and feelings about the matter: Why do you need to know?
It’s true that many, if not most, of us – trans or not – feel more comfortable when we know a person’s gender. I’ll admit that, after years of socialization into the binary gender system, I’m in that group. Gender is often the first thing that we notice about another person. And knowing that provides us with a lot of other information – or at least we think it does.
We think it provides us with information about how to interact with this person, because most of us interact with men and women differently. We think it provides us with information about what this person might be like, or what this person might want to talk about, or how this person might respond to us. We think it provides us with information about what types of questions to ask, or what we might want to share about ourselves.
But the reality is that it does none of those things. We really don’t know much at all about a person just by knowing his or her gender. But it certainly does make us feel better, which always makes for a better interaction.
You are right to recognize that it would be inappropriate to ask this person’s gender in this situation. So instead, ask yourself why you need to know. Do you want to get to know the person better, as a friend or as a possible date? Or do you just want to know because you will feel more comfortable?
If the interaction that you’re currently having is the extent of what you want, then it’s probably not important. Things are working as they are.
If you find this person attractive as a friend or as a potential date without knowing this person’s gender, then your attraction is not based on gender. Ask the person out for a casual get-together and have a conversation. That will help you discover if you want to continue your pursuit.
But before you even do that, it might be helpful to introduce yourself. Say something like, “You know, we talk every day, but I don’t even know your name. My name is _______. What’s yours?”
If the person says, “I’m Suzanne” or “I’m David” – well, you have a huge clue there. Don’t disregard it. If the person has a non-gender-specific name, then you’re on your own. (And if the person has a name unfamiliar to you with regard to your culture or language, you might have to do a little online investigating to see if it has a gender attached to it in the person’s native culture.)
As for the second part of your question – how to tell if the person is trans – again, you have to ask yourself why you need to know. If you just want to buy a cup of coffee from this person, no worries – we make it as well as anyone else does. If you want something more, you’ll find out soon enough. And if being trans is a deal-breaker for you, then you might not want to pursue someone who even raises that question in your mind.
But figuring out why you need this information to begin with will help you really examine your feelings toward gender in general and trans people in particular. Doing some self-exploration will help you figure out how you want to proceed in your interactions with this person.
No matter what you decide, don’t forget to leave a tip.
Thoughts?
yes I agree with your post
I shop in my local corner store often.. mostly with some of my four children accompanying me
it is newly opened and the female Vietnamese shop owner assumed at first that I was male, not an entirely incorrect gender attribution as I am an FtM, she asked about my wife/ the mother of my four children
when I answered that I am their mother (however macho I may feel or appear I am their biological mother as they do have a biological father) she paused, it took her a moment to compose herself and then she wanted details ;0)
every time I shop there I get a new question
one was.. why don’t I have breasts.. ;0)
last one was yesterday.. she wanted to know if I am single..
I live in Czech Republic, we moved here 6 years ago
major challenge for me was the gender specific grammar and speech..
I was comfortable using English, although I am not a native speaker.. but I feel somewhat less of a fraud not having to say …
I was / byla jsem / girl .. I was/ byl jsem / boy
and so on..
Czech, like in Spanish or Italian the gender changes the question.. the nouns and certain grammatical forms are gendered.. and so she was asking in both ways
with the girl appendix and without it..
I answered using the male form..
she seemed satisfied
I am a transperson.. but I am not bothered when whoever asks me questions related to the TS
I take it as educating the public..
I own a small guesthouse, so I am in contact with strangers daily.. and although many would not dare to ask
some are openly curious
some gender attribute me to be male and I let it be
some are unsure
it’s fun
;0))
Gender Neutral~~
I’m the mother of a teenage transgender, FTM, until I found out about his change I was ignorant about gender identity and have found that since being thrust into this world I am much more conscientious about being very gender neutral in all public engagements. It’s not something we’re taught in school and most people will never knowingly encounter someone transgender,but it’s a lesson that we’d all be better off learning.
I couldn’t have said this better. Thanks Matt.
While I agree with everything you wrote, Matt, I would also say that’s okay to ask what pronoun someone prefers. To me it’s the most polite way to get information without being nosy or offensive (eg. “What are you?”). There have been many times when I knew that the person was trying to figure out if I was male or female and I just wanted to them to ask me and get it out of the way. Either that or you figure out how to talk without the use of pronouns altogether, which while possible is hard to do if you’re not used to it.
I like where you went with this, except for this part:
“If the person says, “I’m Suzanne” or “I’m David” – well, you have a huge clue there. Don’t disregard it. If the person has a non-gender-specific name, then you’re on your own. (And if the person has a name unfamiliar to you with regard to your culture or language, you might have to do a little online investigating to see if it has a gender attached to it in the person’s native culture.)”
Some people have trouble insisting on their preferred name, particularly if they are at work … And the idea of someone researching a name on the Internet in order to find out what gender it’s culturally associated with bothers me. There’s no reason to devote so much effort into categorizing a person, and a name is no better of a clue than appearance is* – in my opinion, people shouldn’t be obsessing over other people’s genders, or trying to “figure it out”.
*For example, one of my co-workers just had top surgery, but uses a female name still.
I think your overall point – that the writer should focus on why they want to know, and then ask directly if it turns out to be overwhelmingly necessary – is a good one.
Thanks for all your comments. They are very helpful.
I definitely agree that it is okay to ask what pronoun a person uses, and most trans and genderqueer people would prefer it to being misgendered. It’s a signal of respect to ask, and I have had people thank me for asking when I was unsure.
I also agree that a name is not always a clue – especially at work, when a person might be forced to use a different name from the one that he or she prefers.
I think, in this situation, it really isn’t that important. There’s really no overpowering reason to know one way or the other and I totally agree that obsessing over it can get a little out of hand.
There is one caveat that I would mention. This doesn’t happen often, at least not in the U.S., because our physical gender cues are so well established by our binary gender system, but I have known people who I thought were gender-neutral or androgynous who actually identified very strongly with one gender or the other, and who didn’t realize that their identification was not coming across to others.
These were non-trans people who were not genderqueer or androgynous in their identification at all, and they were very hurt when they were misgendered. In this case, a gendered name can be very helpful in determining a gender identity.
Some might say, “Well, if they’re constantly getting misgendered, then they need to change their appearance to reflect more traditional gender cues.” But it’s truly not their responsibility to make it easier for me or anybody else to determine their gender.
So I think the bottom line is to proceed with caution no matter what. A name can be helpful, and, as jay pointed out, it can also be problematic. It doesn’t necessarily tell the whole story. Asking can be helpful, as Kian pointed out.
But if you only want to know so that you are more comfortable, then I say learn to be comfortable with ambiguity. Figure out why it’s important for you to know, because in a lot of situations, it simply isn’t.
And again, if you are attracted to a person without knowing that person’s gender, then the attraction isn’t based on gender, and it doesn’t have to be. It might be a new experience for you, but those are the kinds of experiences that help us grow as people.
In the case of wanting to know what pronouns a person prefers, do you just ask them point blank? Even though I’m gender queer, I always feel so awkward trying to work that into every day conversation.
I think you can ask somebody point blank, and I think if you need to know, you can just say, “What pronoun do you prefer?” I have asked people this before, and it’s usually when they are presenting in a very androgynous way and I need to use their pronoun and don’t know what it is.
On the other hand, I have had people ask me what pronoun I prefer, because they think that this is a question that is polite to ask all trans people. I’m not offended, but I think that, in my case, it’s not necessary to ask. My name’s Matt, I have on “traditional” men’s clothing, I have a “traditional” men’s haircut, I have no breasts, so I think I’m pretty clear about the gender signals I’m giving off.
In my world, anyone who is presenting with “traditional” gender cues is that gender. For example, if someone is wearing a wig and makeup and a dress, I would use “she,” and I would not ask. If she corrected me, I would apologize and use the pronoun that was requested.
The same thing goes for a person with a beard and no breasts who is dressed in what is considered to be “men’s clothing.” I wouldn’t ask. I would use a male pronoun until corrected.
But (and this is particularly at a gender gathering or in a space where I know people to be trans and genderqueer) if I am introduced to someone with a gender-neutral name and no real cues and I need to refer to that person with a pronoun, then I’ll ask – generally if I can’t get that information from the conversation.
I usually don’t ask right at the introduction, because often you can suss that information out through a conversation. But as Kian said above, if someone is struggling to figure it out, and it’s obvious that they’re struggling, it’s more polite for them to just come out and ask and then get on with it.
But if I am introduced to Margo, who is in a sundress and long dangly earrings, or to Michael, who has a full beard, there’s no need to ask, in my opinion.
I don’t think you need to work it into the conversation so much as just, when it becomes necessary to use a pronoun to refer to the person, you can just say, “What pronoun do you use?”
Most people will appreciate it. If the person gets offended, he or she needs to take a look at why it was necessary to ask the question. If the person uses a gender-neutral pronoun, such as zie, that would be difficult to know ahead of time.
You will probably never make it through life without offending someone, so you do your best not to, and if you do, just apologize and move on.
Sorry for the long answer. I hope other people respond to this as well.
That awkward you’re feeling is the same awkwardness that many trans people feel when the subject isn’t addressed. I’m a bit biased on this one, but if you can withstand ten seconds of awkwardness, you could possibly make life that much easier for the trans person in question. Gender variant folks are pretty aware that other people are questioning their gender, so avoiding the conversation isn’t helpful. As long you are, as Matt pointed, “respectful”, I bet 99 out of 100 times the other person will respond well to it.
If someone asked me that now, I’d think that they are being a bit overcautious (because, like Matt, I look wear men’s clothes, have a receding hairline and tons of belly fur), but I’d think it was sweet that they spent energy on making me feel less like a pink elephant and more like a human being.
Second paragraph should read: “If someone asked me that now, I’d think that they were being a bit overcautious (because, like Matt, I look wear men’s clothes, have a receding hairline and tons of belly fur), but I’d think it was sweet that they spent energy on making me feel less like a pink elephant and more like a human being.