For people in the service industry, such as clerks, wait staff, and other service professionals, dealing with the public on a constant basis can be difficult enough. Add confusion over gender into the mix, and you’ve got a recipe for a really bad day.
Not only that, but sometimes you can make or break your customer’s day as well. With that in mind, I present five tips that we wish your employer included in training:
1. It’s not necessary to say “sir” or “ma’am,” even if you have been instructed to do so. If you are unsure of a customer’s gender, on the phone or in person, just say, “May I help you?” and “Thank you,” leaving off the “sir” or “ma’am” entirely. If your boss is looking over your shoulder, you can explain to him or her later that what you did is actually good for business.
2. On the other hand, if you are certain of the gender that a customer is presenting, even if it’s obvious to you that the person is trans, using “sir” or “ma’am” appropriately can make a person’s day. Go for it.
3. If a customer asks where the restroom is, and you are unsure of which one to direct that person to, you can simply give directions to both. If the restrooms are next to each other, it’s easy – “Down the hall and to your right.”
If the restrooms are not together, you can say that – “The women’s room is over there, and the men’s room is down that hall.” Early in my transition, when I stopped at a gas station to use the restroom, a clerk said this to me without missing a beat, and I was extremely flattered that she wasn’t sure and grateful that she didn’t care.
4. If a customer is shopping for clothing in what might seem to be the “wrong” department, avoid asking “Is this for your wife?” or “What size is the man you’re shopping for?” Instead, try “What size do you need?” or “What size (or style or color) are you looking for?”
5. If you need to refer to a customer in that person’s absence, and you’re not certain about pronouns, try doing something differently or wording the sentence differently. A while back, I was having dinner with two trans women when one got up to use the restroom. The server came over while she was gone to offer coffee and said, “Do you think he wants some?” She meant the woman who had gone to the restroom.
Good grief! If pumps, a dress, jewelry, makeup, and shoulder-length styled hair aren’t enough of a clue, come back to the table when the person is there and ask directly – or say, “Do you think your friend wants some coffee?” But this one’s really a no-brainer – the pronoun should always match the gender being presented.
One of the first books my therapist loaned to me about trans issues was actually written for therapists, and it had a quote that I can only paraphrase now, and I don’t know who said it (if you do, let me know so I can attribute it):
“Listen to your patients and they’ll give you their diagnosis. Listen longer and they’ll give you their treatment.”
I think the same is true for anyone working with people. Your customers or clients will tell you who they are and what they want – and not just in words. Look at them, listen to them, and see what they’re saying to you about who they really are and what they really need from you.
It will make for good service, satisfied customers, and a better day for you. And with everything you already have to deal with, who wouldn’t want a better day?
What other tips or thoughts do readers have?
This is lovely, Matt. You should really write a broshure or something, and get it out there. Can you get government funding for that? You could do it for different situations, for medical people and so on.
I don’t know. I’ve never looked into government funding for something like that. But it’s a good idea. Thanks for passing it on.
The message here is very important – it definitely needs to be put out there to those that deal with us regularly, but I’m wondering how much of this message will be seen by the intended audience. How many of your readers are the ones that need to hear this and how many are the ones that wish we could post this in big bold letters everywhere?
I agree that the medical profession in particular needs to see this, as I’m so tired of having to correct and educate them.
That’s the thing. Most of the people who need to know will probably not be reading this. But you never know. I have been surprised by how many people manage to stumble across things on the Internet.
The medical profession – oh my gosh, you are so right. I will do one of those in the future, because I’m sure readers have tons of stuff to say about that.
Oh my YES!
Matt, I think you’ve heard this story before…
I had only two instances of this pronoun discomfort at restaurants…both in the dining room on a cruise ship…both at lunch…and both with different waiters (both from Latin countries).
Situation 1:
I ordered lunch…and the waiter said “thank you sir”.
I was wearing a tight t-shirt…full makeup…dangling earrings…hair up…
I used a line I’ve always wanted to use.
“What, are my boobs not big enough?”
That’s all he needed. He was sufficiently sorry…apologized…and corrected himself.
It was empowering. And I immediately felt my anxiety diffuse and disappear.
Situation 2:
Same dining room. Same meal time a few days later. Different waiter.
After ordering our server referred, for some reason I can’t remember, to my mother and then to myself. When he pointed at my mom he said “she” and when he indicated me he said “he”.
I pointed to myself and said “she”
He said “no”
I said “yes”
He said “whatever”
I said “No, not ‘whatever’. This is my life.”
He walked away with a look of confusion.
I later regretted the snarkiness of the first reply. I felt embarrassed and defensive. But I stick by the second one.
Thankfully I don’t run into it often. I think most people in this area are eager to be helpful in that way. Thank goodness for liberal Northern Californians!!
I’m glad you shared these stories with readers. They just blow me away. But at least you got an apology in the first instance. The thing that I can’t get is why anyone would argue with a person who is telling them their correct gender. Like he knew your gender better than you did.
That’s like saying, “My name is Matt,” and having somebody say, “No.” That is just the height of insensitivity and insult.
And I don’t think you should even regret your first response. Sometimes people have to be jolted awake, and then they never make the same mistake again. You saved someone else from having to go through that exact same thing.
I know that a broshure like this was given to doctors in my area (not in the US).
“The women’s room is over there, and the men’s room is down that hall.”
Had this happen to me this month. I was at an unfamiliar library (where the bathrooms were on opposite sides) and asked the librarian where the bathroom was. He pointed out both the men’s and women’s bathrooms, kind of shrugged and laughed a bit and said, “We keep them separate.” I was a bit bummed about not passing completely and yet flattered that he didn’t see me as obviously female.
It is kind of a bummer, but way better than being confidently directed to the wrong bathroom. The positive thing about it is that it indicates progress (both for you and for the library). It won’t be long before it will stop happening all together and you will always be directed to the right one.
I was out to dinner with some friends at a somewhat fancy Mexican restaurant, the server came up and went around the table asking everyone for there drink orders, referring to everyone as senior and seniorita in turn. Then he got to me and asked “and for you sen….” and just stood there with a baffled look on his face waiting for me to finish the word.
At the time I wasn’t out yet, so I wasn’t going to tell him senior even though I would have loved to, but at the same time I never could bring myself to tell people to call me by female pronouns since they felt so wrong. Instead, without thinking I blurted out “I like playing the gender guessing game!” He just stood there looking scared, I told him I’d have a water and he gladly excused himself from the table. For the rest of the evening he referred to everyone as “you” instead of using genders, I appreciated that instead of singling me out in the pronoun department he opted to ungender the entire table. One friend thought my responce was rude, but the rest thought it was hilarious and we still joke about it.
There’s no way your response was rude. I think it was super-polite. The waiter did the right thing, and now he’s going to think twice in the future. And you got a good story out of it, so it worked out for everyone – including his future customers that you saved from the same thing!
I think you should write a book! Call it “Inclusive Ettiquite”. I’d buy a few dozen copies myself!
This is great – my own discomfort with transitioning on the job (in a small store with a customer base made mostly of regulars) was immense, but it taught me exactly what to do to avoid making any customers uncomfortable by my language choices. I wish I could show this to all the people who need to see it!
My tip is to not give a tip if there is a deliberate slight!
Good answer!
as a nice, polite trans girl whose income is tip-based, though, please do not assume every slight is deliberate, which is a frequent complaint amongst waitrons, especially when dealing with trans women. trust me, there’s a world of difference between some snarling gay boy “messing up” and someone who is legitimately confused or who doesn’t know better. stand up to them both, but don’t take the aggressive stance with the latter unless they KEEP messing up, in which case they have it coming.
excellent article, especially given how fine the line between customer service person and therapist is in many jobs…heh.
I agree with you that people make mistakes, and as trans people, we need to understand that. We still have a very uneducated public regarding trans issues, and even those with the best intentions can sometimes slip up. So if it appears to be an honest mistake, we have to give the person the benefit of the doubt – but, as you say, not repeatedly into infinity.