A reader who is transitioning from male to female asks: “When would it be appropriate in my transition to start looking to date? I will be beginning my Real Life Experience soon, and my head tells me I have to wait until at least this date, but my heart yearns for a special someone to share the ride. Or should I wait till beyond SRS? And lastly, how do I do this “lesbian” thing?”
I will definitely need some reader input on this, because the lesbian community is probably the one with which I am least familiar (and, of course, there are many different types of lesbians and lesbian “communities”). But I’m going to take a shot here on all of it.
In a recent post, I talked about what I often tell guys who are beginning transition and also looking for a mate. With all the stress and emotional ups and downs that a person goes through during transition, it might not be the ideal time to look for someone new.
When I first started transition 13 years ago, I really wanted a partner. The problem was that, at a time when I was least attractive, both physically and emotionally, to those I was attracted to, I wanted most to find someone else.
Straight men were no longer interested – I was taking on masculine characteristics that were unappealing to them. Gay men were not yet interested – I still looked like a very masculine female.
Plus, I was going through upheaval – transitioning on the job, experiencing physical and emotional changes, trying to navigate the legal system, trying to figure out who I was and where I was going to fit in. It all made for a situation that only the most emotionally adventurous person would want to take on in a relationship.
Yes, it got lonely – and sometimes it was hurtful. I was rejected by those who I was interested in. But when it was all said and done, my interests changed. What and who I wanted to bring into my life changed. As I became more stable in my new life, I was in a much better position to decide what I wanted and to offer something of value to someone else.
This doesn’t mean that you can’t look for a relationship during the most “chaotic” part of transition – the chaotic part can also be the most fun and interesting. But you need to prepare yourself for some social discomfort, some frustration, and possible rejection.
There may be someone out there who wants to share the ride. But most people’s lives are somewhat chaotic and tumultuous as it is – they may not be equipped to take on someone else’s stuff while the are dealing with their own stuff.
That doesn’t mean that it can’t happen. It just means it’s more difficult. I would advise you to concentrate on making friends first and learning about your new community.
Spend some time in lesbian spaces. Go to women’s events, women’s clubs, women’s discussion groups, and women’s political functions. Find out who these women are and what this community is that you are in the process of joining.
Ask the women you meet for suggestions on reading material, films, and websites. Find out what is important to them and learn about those things. As a woman and as a lesbian, those things will become important to you as well.
But remember – just as we get tired of “teaching” people about ourselves and about trans issues at every turn, don’t expect lesbians to “teach” you about themselves. Take responsibility for your own learning and your own experience by reading, hanging out and just listening, making friends, and taking it all in without “quizzing” people.
I need to caution you that there are some lesbian spaces in which you will not be welcome. Your transsexual history will be cause for rejection. (If you’re not familiar with the history of the Michigan Womyn’s Festival and their “womyn-born-womyn” policy, read up on it so that you can prepare yourself for this kind of possible rejection. There is a good post on this reflecting the various sides of this argument over at Pam’s House Blend.)
This can be hurtful, but you need to move on and find another space. There are lesbian spaces in which you will be welcome. You just need to keep working to find them.
And don’t forget your own interests. Sometimes when we are in transition, we tend to subjugate what we like and what we want to others in order to gain acceptance. Don’t “settle” for a group just because you are accepted there if you have no interest in the people or the topic. For example, if you hate skiing, don’t join a ski group just because the women there welcome you. You are a person in your own right, and what you enjoy has just as much merit as anything else. And you are more likely to meet a compatible person who shares your interests if you pursue your own interests to begin with.
So the short answer (and you’re probably saying to yourself, “If there’s a short answer, why did you talk so much?”) is: Define your own interests. Go into lesbian spaces that reflect those interests. Don’t concentrate as much on finding a partner as you do on learning about yourself and making friends who are compatible with you. One of those friends could be a potential partner. But if not, you have made a good friend.
You definitely do not need to wait until after you’ve had surgery to venture out and start interacting, and I don’t think you need to wait before asking someone out. Some people will care and some won’t. That will be their problem, not yours.
And one more thing: Don’t discount lesbian trans women as potential partners. I know quite a few lesbian trans women who have found great support and happiness with each other. If you attend trans support groups or trans-related functions, your new partner could be right under your nose.
Now (finally), it’s time to hear from the readers.
First of all, Matt, I think your advice is outstanding. And your lived experience, even though it was heading the opposite direction, is probably more relevant than anything a “lifelong lesbian” could offer.
Personally I think trans people look too quickly to fit into some pre-conceived dating “scene” before they’ve finished finding themselves. On the other hand the intense loneliness and desire for a partner for support is entirely understandable. There are no perfect answers, unfortunately.
Hi , Matt your advice is great ! I am a MtoF , and been transitiong for eighteen month’s . I have as a Trans-lesbian have made some great friends with a few lesbians who do give me good advice and suggestions that for for me . Your point of acceptance and non-acceptance is pretty accurate . I think while transitioning we need to find ourselves and what we like before anything else . Hormone Replacement Therapy ( HRT ) is a roller coaster ride on it’s own
. My advice is to focus on your life and your issues before focusing on a lesbian relationship , I jumped into a lesbian relationship because she ” accepted ” me , turns out she took advantage of me , but it was a learning experience .
Back when I transitioned (many years ago) it was the local lesbian community that welcomed me. The key was they welcomed me, I did not push myself in. The local transsexual community did not want me which turned out to be the greatest gift they could give me. I was asexual during transition, posed no threat to anyone’s relationship and this probably was a large factor in my acceptance. Matt has given excellent advice here.
The advice I’ve given women in transition is oft ignored but I still think is key…..if you identify as anything other than a woman, stay out of woman only space. Pre-transition is no time to be doing anything other than blending in new social circles as yourself following your own interests. If you socialize with mainly trans people, you will become socialized as a trans person, not a woman.
Hey Matt,
I’m a gay ftm, but I can give some advise as I have several lesbian friends. First of all, the age factor isn’t unimportant. Lesbian communities that existed from the 1980s or earlier are mostly influenced by lesbian separatism and are often very hostile to trans women, especially if you’re not living in SF or NY. The older the trans woman in question, the older her friends, the more this might become a problem. To a lesser degree, this is true for gay men as well. On the other hand, many younger lesbians are very welcoming of younger trans women.
Then, it’s better to go with the less political/feminist crowd. I even have known guydykes, male lesbians, as well as non transitioning trans women and non passing transitioned trans women who have been accepted by small non political circles of lesbians. These lesbians stay outside of the larger movements because they don’t agree with the mainstream.
Mtf trans people have found friends and lovers there, though this can’t be forced. There’s no simple way to find such private circles. But it’s important to know they exist because they often tend to be invisible when other “louder” groups are around.
A good way to meet people without much pressure is to go to mixed LGBT groups and events. With a common non-sexual goal, it’s easier to get to know people and make friends. Once you have made some friends there, they will introduce you to their friends and so on.
Before transitioning, you might want to avoid LGBT sports groups though, where you need to change clothes. A discussion about what rooms you should use might put stress on everybody, and works against making friends in a fun way. Exception would be LGBT sports groups who already have trans members and experience with the issue (probably not in smaller towns).
It’s also a good idea to learn about the social rules and dating rules of women. Women do it differently, and might be very annoyed when you bring a male social behaviour with your. I believe this might be the difficult part for those who haven’t socialized a lot with women friends yet. But it’s a very important factor for social success. Most of this stuff is unconscious, so you can’t really ask people about it. You need to take your time to just be there and learn from osmosis.
And lastly, try bi women. You might find them much more accepting, though they also might cause you anxiety about why they are attracted to you (your male exterior or your female interior, or both?) For some thsi doesn’t work, for others it’s perfect.
Thanks to everyone for your helpful comments and insights. I really appreciate the readers chiming in on these, because there’s so much knowledge and so many different experiences out there.
It’s really valuable for the person asking the question, other readers that might have the same question, and for me – I learn a bunch from my readers and see things I wouldn’t have thought of before.
So thanks again for your help!
the points you have all made are completely valid and as an ftm who identifies as a straight male during my pre t days i was of the same opinion. i didnt want to start a relationship when i was finding out who i am and growing into myself. i didnt want to have to drag someone else through the possible ups and downs that i was about to experience because in my mind it would not make for a solid foundation now would it be fair to them. of course on top of the initial no one will accept me or love me that was inevitable however in saying that i ended up going quite the opposite direction so i thought i would share in the possibility that relationships no matter the timing when they are meant to happen …happen. i had been identifying as male for about 8 months and had decided i didnt want to be with anyone else for the time being and wasnt actively looking for anyone just trying to focus on straightening myself out so that my transition could be as easy and smooth as possible and putting the feelers out to make my way towards HRT. however one night randomly i met someone who i just couldnt shake and couldnt leave alone.she was intriguing and undeniably beautiful and even tho i was trying not to start anything new i found myself unable to stop thinking about her or wanting to spend time with her. when we met she knew all about what i was about to undertake but understood and accepted it regardless of never having dealt with anything like this before. initially she had her own qualms about whether she was strong enough to come on this journey with me but eventually we both realised that it didnt really matter. neither of us could walk away. so we officially started dating about 2 weeks before my first shot and the journey that we expected was nothing like what we actually experienced and i say we because we have both grown and changed form the transition experience. i am now almost 7 months into my medical transition and my girlfriend and i are as if not more stable than any relationship either of us have ever experienced and the experience really hasnt been as rocky as either of us expected in fact it has done nothing but good things for both of us. so if you can find someone who accepts you and loves you for who you are there should be no real reason why you have to wait or put off dating its more about your own personal comfort levels than what you should or shouldnt do
Congratulations on your great relationship and thanks for sharing your experience. Sometimes the best things come along when you aren’t looking for them and least expecting them.