A reader writes: “I have dated only straight girls. Many of them haven’t ever been in bed with someone with a non-male body. Likewise I haven’t been in bed with any male, so maybe I have the wrong idea about things.
“I understand that for born males, once you get in, it’s on and you don’t need that much more? Of course I get some kind of spiritual joy from pleasuring a woman, but I’m sick and tired that I have explain (sometimes several times) that I need something, too. And even then, sometimes no results.
“Or are these girls I get just pure Bed Princesses? Yes, I look like, and am kind of, an action alpha male, but does that signal to women that they don’t have to do anything in bed? It’s hard for me when I feel an emotional connection but am not able to connect physically. I feel wasted and used.
“Is there any way to change this kind of behavior? Is there any way to understand which girl is more active in bed? I’ve had bad luck or made bad choices so far.”
I’ve never been in bed with a straight woman (or with any woman), but I have been a straight woman, so I can try to answer your questions drawing from that experience. And, of course, I will ask my readers to chime in.
First of all, if you believe that the women you are with are non-responsive because straight men don’t need or want responsiveness from a partner, that is a mistaken notion. If you repeatedly find yourself with non-responsive women, it has nothing to do with their past experiences with other straight men. Instead, there could be a few other things working here:
1. I am going to assume that you are coming out to these women as someone who has a non-standard male body before they reach for you in bed and discover this. While quite a few people do not agree with me, I strongly believe in coming out to a person before I am in bed with that person. In some cases, it has to do with my own safety, but in all cases, it has to do with my own comfort and the comfort of my partner.
I realize that we never know what we are “getting” when we first go to bed with someone, but most of us have some basic and generalized expectations with regard to what we will find. I personally believe that, if those basic and generalized expectations are not going to be met, the other person should know. (Go ahead, readers – you can rip me up on this one!)
If these women are reaching for something they believe is there and discovering that it is not – particularly if this is their first experience with a non-standard male body – it could cause them to feel uncomfortable, to freeze up, to not be sure what to do next. But, based on the assumption that they are already aware of your body type, we move on –
2. There is a lot of misinformation out there about trans people and our bodies. For example, many people believe that we all hate our body configuration or our genitals, and that we don’t want to be touched. While there are some trans people who do not want their genitals touched, there are many others who do.
But it’s possible that these women, particularly if they don’t know much about trans men, believe that they are doing the right thing by not touching your genitals or touching you in an intimate way. If this is the case, then communication beforehand can be very helpful, because you can discuss and dispel some of the things they might have heard that don’t apply to you.
You say that you have tried this many times and it still isn’t working. It’s possible that you’re not being specific enough. Sometimes showing works better than telling. And sometimes showing and telling at the same time is the most successful method. But if nothing you do or say is producing the results that you want, then we move on –
3. It’s also possible that you’re being too demanding or that your expectations are too high. If this is happening repeatedly, with many different women, then you probably need to take a look at yourself. Are you approaching these situations:
> As if the woman owes you something?
> As if the woman is there for sexual purposes only (particularly yours)?
> As if your primary goal in the interaction is to get off?
> As if you have chosen the woman because you thought that she would be a good sexual partner, and now you are disappointed because she hasn’t come through for you?
If your interactions with women are strictly for sexual purposes, you also need to make that clear up front (in my opinion). You will find women who are also interested in hooking up just for the purpose of having sex, and they will likely be very active and engaged.
But if that’s all you want and you are not clarifying that, it’s possible that you are not the only one who is feeling used. And if your date is feeling used by you, she is probably not going to be particularly responsive or eager to meet your needs.
Good sex often develops with a good relationship. Initially, sex can be clumsy and awkward. In many cases, the better you know your partner, the better your sexual experience. If you find a woman who you are interested in spending time with, don’t dismiss her just because your initial sexual encounter is not satisfactory. It’s likely that this will improve.
Bottom line (no pun intended): There is no way to tell how someone will be in bed until you sleep with that person. If you just want sex, you can make that clear, and hope to find someone who wants the same.
If you want more than just sex, let things unfold. In the early stages of a relationship, you are getting to know each other and figuring out what the other one likes – both in and out of the sack.
So give it some time – and lighten up a little. The less pressure she feels, the more she’ll enjoy herself, and the more she enjoys herself, the more she will enjoy you. Mutual respect, mutual admiration, and mutual consideration go a long way toward an enjoyable evening.
Readers, have at it!
My thoughts on this are a bit different from Matts.
I have mainly two ideas why this might happen.
First, it could be because they really don’t know how to do it technically, because they have never interacted with a trans male body. They might just feel shy or awkward. I don’t know how specific you have been – but talking to them about technical details might be helpful.
The other point that came to my mind immediately was from my experience as a top. When I still dated in my former incarnation as a “straight woman”, I was already very much a top, and very active in bed. Almost all the guys I dated expressed strong surprise at my behaviour, because *all* their female partner had been comparatively passive. Some guys expressed relief that they didn’t have to do all the work anymore. A female friend told me, that several of her male partners were upset when she was active in bed, and couldn’t deal with it, because they weren’t used to active women. It seems ,despite feminism, that many straight women are still used to being relatively passive in bed. Saying that might not be pc, but I don’t think my experience was an exception. I have heard it from other men as well.
Lesbians and bisexual women are often more used to being active, maybe you could try to date bisexual women? They also have experience with genitalia of the XX variety. Or go looking specifically for a more active woman? (though I have no idea how to search for them)
My experiences in dating straight women are quite similar. I’ve dated lesbians, and I’ve dated straight women, and straight women usually have to be reminded that they have to specifically do things to me in order for me to have an orgasm. It isn’t that the straight girls I’ve dated haven’t been sexually responsive- far from it! However, most straight girls I’ve dated have been able to orgasm from being on the receiving end of strap-on sex, and they are too used to guys getting off that way too (this is my theory anyway). After a pretty prolonged session of strap-on sex, it’s difficult for straight girls to realize that the pleasure was mostly psychological for me-not physical (sometimes physical, but, only sometimes). I think this is a large part of the problem.
Thanks so much for your comments.
Here is a response from a straight woman who is dating a trans man. She contacted me privately and asked me to post it for her. She said:
“As a straight woman who is dating a transman I have some input. One, you need to let women who have never been with a transman that you are trans and what that means in the bedroom. As a woman who had never been with a transman before dating my current boyfriend – I’m not sure it would have worked had I not known what I was signing up for in the first place.
Second, you need to communicate. I know a lot of what we did was talk about what I was comfortable with and when (yes, no, maybe). We also took a lot of baby steps and I asked what he liked and didn’t like, what was ok with him, etc. To be honest, I wasn’t sure what to do with what he did have and that made me so uncomfortable. By talking, a lot, I learned what to do and my anxiety was alleviated and we could enjoy each other in bed. Turns out anatomy was not that big of a deal for me. Dildos were a perfectly good substitute for intercourse. For other women, anatomy might be a big deal. Straight women want to get their partner off whether he’s biologically male or a transmale. If the women you are with aren’t doing that, it very well may be because they don’t know how.
If you are looking for the emotional and physical connection with the woman, the communication piece is crucial. I can tell you because of how much we talked and still talk, I am in the most satisfying and rewarding relationship – both inside and outside the bedroom. If you are looking for a hook up or bed buddy, you may just have to endure mediocre sex experiences if you choose not to communicate with your partner(s).”
“I realize that we never know what we are ‘getting’ when we first go to bed with someone, but most of us have some basic and generalized expectations with regard to what we will find. I personally believe that, if those basic and generalized expectations are not going to be met, the other person should know. (Go ahead, readers – you can rip me up on this one!)”
Well, you did say you wanted people to argue with you about this. But instead I’ll ask some questions. Is it always the job of the partner who has some “non-typical” qualities to anticipate how other people will react to hir? Must a cis man with an unusually small penis inform his partner before the situation turns sexual? If so, how small? Maybe some people have watched too much porn and expect porn star cock all the time. Is it your job to know that if you’re the one whose cock might be disappointing? How about somebody with lots of obvious scars or burn marks that are only visible when they’re naked — do they need to inform their partner first? Most people aren’t expecting that. How about a woman who doesn’t remove her pubic hair? Especially if she’s a young adult, that may come as a surprise to her partner — should she inform her partner so they have the choice of opting out of sex?
Everyone has expectations, but which expectations are your partner’s job to anticipate and which expectations are such that it’s *your* job to take care of yourself by making sure they hold up before you get into a sexual situation?
Okay, here are my answers (from my perspective, obviously). The answers involve what I would do – other people have to make their own decisions based on what’s right for them.
Is it always the job of the person with non-standard qualities to anticipate how others will react? I don’t think it’s that person’s job, but I think it is that person’s reality. The person can decide whether or not to take it on as a responsibility. I also think it depends on what the non-standard or non-traditional qualities are, but regardless, it is the individual’s decision, given that reality, what he/she/ze will do about it.
I also think there’s a difference between anticipating someone’s reaction and expecting there to be a reaction of some sort. We don’t know how another person will react and that is difficult to anticipate. However, in many cases, we can expect that there will be a reaction of some type.
I don’t think a non-trans man with a small penis needs to inform his partner unless he wants to. Having a penis is one of those basic and generalized expectations of someone who presents as male. Size is kind of one of those crapshoot things – you get what you get.
I am older, so pubic hair has always been expected in my generation. But removing or not removing body hair is, in most cases, a personal grooming option, and we generally discover a person’s personal grooming options as we get to know them or as we have sex with them. I personally don’t think that a personal grooming option needs to be explained beforehand.
Scars, burns, etc. – many people have scars from various injuries, surgeries, and so on. I have scars from gall bladder surgery. I don’t feel the need to explain them, but they are very small. I have been with people with various types of scars and injuries and I haven’t been surprised or upset that those were not explained to me beforehand, but I think there is an expectation that the average person’s body will not be perfect. But I don’t think a transsexual body can be compared to an appendectomy scar.
If I had major scars – from a severe accident or from being severely burned, for example – or some other modification to my body, such as a colostomy bag, that I thought would be particularly shocking or unexpected to a partner when he/she saw it, I would tell that person beforehand. That’s me. I’m not saying that it’s right or wrong. I’m saying that I personally would tell a potential sex partner ahead of time. I would do it because those things are not part of the generalized expectations that people have of other people’s bodies.
That would be my decision for my own comfort level and the comfort level of my partner. If a person decided not to have sex with me because of that, I would prefer that the person make that decision ahead of time, and not in the middle of things.
But also, in my opinion, being trans is much more than just a person’s body. It has physical, emotional, and social implications that a sexual or romantic partner might want to be aware of.
But even if it was just physical, it is still uncommon enough that a transsexual body can elicit a variety of reactions, ranging from violence to rejection to “so what?” But in most cases, it is still unexpected.
And when it is unexpected, it can cause a person to react negatively or freeze up whereas, if that person was aware ahead of time, he or she might not react in that way. In the situation discussed above, if the women are not familiar with or prepared for a transsexual body, they may simply not know how to respond, which can cause an unsatisfactory experience, maybe for both partners.
There will likely come a time when transsexual bodies are subsumed under the basic and generalized expectations that most of us tend to have about people’s bodies. I don’t think that time has come yet. And I think the sexual experience will be more satisfactory if a partner knows ahead of time.
So those are my answers. But again, I know that many others disagree. I understand that position, but that position is not right for me. And I think that it benefits both parties if it is discussed beforehand. But I would certainly be interested in hearing from those with non-standard bodies who do not come out beforehand and what they have experienced.
Oh, one more thing. I also want to be really clear here – I do not apologize for my body. It is what it is. There’s nothing wrong with it. I simply make it clear that it is not what might be expected based on my appearance. I am a transsexual person with a transsexual body. It is a fact. It is not an apology.
Matt, once again you said what I was thinking in a more articulate way. I think the Golden Rule applies here (as it does in many other situations) – there are certain things I believe I should know before getting involved with someone intimately, so it’s only common courtesy that I would likewise inform a potential partner of certain things beforehand.
I can’t comment too much on the letter writer’s situation, but I’m sure that communication is key, as always, and I’m betting that his potential partners suffer more from lack of info than from lack of interest. I hope his luck changes.
Is explicit informed consent — informing a partner expecting a more traditional male body that yours is trans — also applicable to transwomen, who have options for surgeries that can make their experience with partners appear to be non-transgender ? If someone would never know that their female appearing partner was born male, would they still be obliged to inform their partner as transmen can be forced to by their more obvious body variation for a casual fling, one night stand, or long term partnership?
The main point of the initial writer seems to be an expression of frustration and there is no doubt that the transgender experience, especially in terms of sexual partners, takes a lot of energy. However, they seem to expect the relative simplicities of sex without explaining what your body is and what you are, especially if that feels intrusive, emasculating, or invalidating.