A reader writes: “I have dated only straight girls. Many of them haven’t ever been in bed with someone with a non-male body. Likewise I haven’t been in bed with any male, so maybe I have the wrong idea about things.
“I understand that for born males, once you get in, it’s on and you don’t need that much more? Of course I get some kind of spiritual joy from pleasuring a woman, but I’m sick and tired that I have explain (sometimes several times) that I need something, too. And even then, sometimes no results.
“Or are these girls I get just pure Bed Princesses? Yes, I look like, and am kind of, an action alpha male, but does that signal to women that they don’t have to do anything in bed? It’s hard for me when I feel an emotional connection but am not able to connect physically. I feel wasted and used.
“Is there any way to change this kind of behavior? Is there any way to understand which girl is more active in bed? I’ve had bad luck or made bad choices so far.”
I’ve never been in bed with a straight woman (or with any woman), but I have been a straight woman, so I can try to answer your questions drawing from that experience. And, of course, I will ask my readers to chime in.
First of all, if you believe that the women you are with are non-responsive because straight men don’t need or want responsiveness from a partner, that is a mistaken notion. If you repeatedly find yourself with non-responsive women, it has nothing to do with their past experiences with other straight men. Instead, there could be a few other things working here:
1. I am going to assume that you are coming out to these women as someone who has a non-standard male body before they reach for you in bed and discover this. While quite a few people do not agree with me, I strongly believe in coming out to a person before I am in bed with that person. In some cases, it has to do with my own safety, but in all cases, it has to do with my own comfort and the comfort of my partner.
I realize that we never know what we are “getting” when we first go to bed with someone, but most of us have some basic and generalized expectations with regard to what we will find. I personally believe that, if those basic and generalized expectations are not going to be met, the other person should know. (Go ahead, readers – you can rip me up on this one!)
If these women are reaching for something they believe is there and discovering that it is not – particularly if this is their first experience with a non-standard male body – it could cause them to feel uncomfortable, to freeze up, to not be sure what to do next. But, based on the assumption that they are already aware of your body type, we move on –
2. There is a lot of misinformation out there about trans people and our bodies. For example, many people believe that we all hate our body configuration or our genitals, and that we don’t want to be touched. While there are some trans people who do not want their genitals touched, there are many others who do.
But it’s possible that these women, particularly if they don’t know much about trans men, believe that they are doing the right thing by not touching your genitals or touching you in an intimate way. If this is the case, then communication beforehand can be very helpful, because you can discuss and dispel some of the things they might have heard that don’t apply to you.
You say that you have tried this many times and it still isn’t working. It’s possible that you’re not being specific enough. Sometimes showing works better than telling. And sometimes showing and telling at the same time is the most successful method. But if nothing you do or say is producing the results that you want, then we move on –
3. It’s also possible that you’re being too demanding or that your expectations are too high. If this is happening repeatedly, with many different women, then you probably need to take a look at yourself. Are you approaching these situations:
> As if the woman owes you something?
> As if the woman is there for sexual purposes only (particularly yours)?
> As if your primary goal in the interaction is to get off?
> As if you have chosen the woman because you thought that she would be a good sexual partner, and now you are disappointed because she hasn’t come through for you?
If your interactions with women are strictly for sexual purposes, you also need to make that clear up front (in my opinion). You will find women who are also interested in hooking up just for the purpose of having sex, and they will likely be very active and engaged.
But if that’s all you want and you are not clarifying that, it’s possible that you are not the only one who is feeling used. And if your date is feeling used by you, she is probably not going to be particularly responsive or eager to meet your needs.
Good sex often develops with a good relationship. Initially, sex can be clumsy and awkward. In many cases, the better you know your partner, the better your sexual experience. If you find a woman who you are interested in spending time with, don’t dismiss her just because your initial sexual encounter is not satisfactory. It’s likely that this will improve.
Bottom line (no pun intended): There is no way to tell how someone will be in bed until you sleep with that person. If you just want sex, you can make that clear, and hope to find someone who wants the same.
If you want more than just sex, let things unfold. In the early stages of a relationship, you are getting to know each other and figuring out what the other one likes – both in and out of the sack.
So give it some time – and lighten up a little. The less pressure she feels, the more she’ll enjoy herself, and the more she enjoys herself, the more she will enjoy you. Mutual respect, mutual admiration, and mutual consideration go a long way toward an enjoyable evening.
Readers, have at it!