A reader writes: “I’ve had an idea that I might be transsexual for a number of years now. I’ve kept it pretty quiet until now, and even then have only muttered it to a couple people who I trust, because I’d like to start making some changes in my life.
“My problem is this – my sister is in the middle of transitioning. She has started hormone therapy, and is very happy, but our parents are still having some difficulty, especially our dad, who lives a considerable distance away and can be somewhat ‘stand-offish.’ My mother feels a lot of guilt over the fact that one of her children was born in the wrong body (that she knows of) and one is a ‘butch lesbian.’
“I’m terrified of bringing it up, because I feel like there might be an official tally somewhere in their brains that monitors the number of transgendered children they can deal with, and that the limit is one. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.”
This is a dilemma, but it’s not as bad as it might appear. It’s true that your parents might have a difficult time facing the fact that they have two trans children. But it seems that they do, and they will probably eventually have to deal with that. There might be some things that you can do to make it easier. I have a few thoughts, and I’m sure that readers will have plenty more.
> I don’t know your age or your sister’s age, but I am going to assume that you are both adults. No matter how important you are to your parents and your parents are to you, there comes a point when adult children must go off and live their own lives – and their parents can’t predict or control those lives.
If you need to transition, you will have to do that, regardless of what is happening with your sister. The need to transition will not go away, and there will come a point when you are no longer able to live your life and make your decisions based on how others might feel. When that point comes, you will do what you need to do.
> People used to get irritated with Dear Abby because she always recommended that her letter-writers see a therapist, but this was not a cop-out, no matter what her readers thought. And I have to recommend it, too.
Most doctors still require a therapist’s letter before prescribing hormones, so you will need to see one anyway. And you say that you’ve had an “idea” that you might be transsexual. A therapist can help you find out. And because you will need to see a therapist before starting your transition, you can explore with that therapist whether or not you really need and want to transition, as well as how to approach your family.
You don’t need to come out to your parents right now. You can start seeing a therapist first. Once you have made the decision that you are going to transition, then your therapist can help you come out to your family. That will also allow a little more time for your parents to adjust to your sister’s transition before they need to turn their attention to yours.
> You say that your mother is experiencing guilt about a trans child and a “butch lesbian” child. If at all possible, try to convince your mother to contact PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). Despite the name, PFLAG offers support for parents of trans children. TransYouth Family Allies is another place for your parents to get information. Even though TYFA deals primarily with parents of young children and teens, they have good information on their website for all parents.
The most important thing is for your mother (and perhaps your father) to find support and to understand that this is not their “fault.” They have done nothing wrong. There is no need for guilt. If you can get your mother hooked up with a good support system now, as the parent of a trans child and a “butch lesbian,” she will be in a better place, with a network of support, when she realizes that she is actually the parent of two trans children.
> You say your sister is very happy. You might find yourself happier, too, if you are able to transition. Most parents want their children to be happy. This does not mean that they will not be upset. But with a strong support system, they will hopefully eventually be able to see that their children are happy, and they will hopefully eventually be able to realize that this is the ultimate goal – and that they have achieved it.
Readers, it’s your turn – what do you think?
(I got several Ask Matt posts this week (keep ‘em coming), so we’re having some Ask Matt Thursdays as well.)
Besides it being a requirement, a good therapist can help with the guilt, as well. No, I don’t mean any guilt your parents might be dealing with, but YOUR guilt.
I’ve been in therapy since 2007, and in transition since 2009. As a result of my transitioning, my father and one daughter no longer speak to be, another daughter has infrequent contact, and I’m not allowed to see my grandchildren. I went through a long, painful period of beating myself up over this, and blamed my self for being selfish enough to want to transition when I knew full well that there would be unpleasant results.
But after two suicide attempts and continued therapy, I came to realize that, painful as it is, none of this was my fault. I have to be me: too many years of unhappiness, of depression and anxiety, and too many suicidal thoughts DEMANDED that I transition.
In the two years since I’ve started, the depression has lifted somewhat (fewer meds, anyway), and I understand that none of this was my fault. None of this was ANYBODY’S “fault.” It’s just the hand of cards I was dealt to play, and I’m playing them the best I can.
So yeah, there will be times you’ll feel pretty bad for doing what you’re doing (transitioning), but honestly, what’s the alternative? A life of misery and unhappiness?
Find a therapist, my friend. It can truly be a matter of life and death.
Everybody is different, but there is a chance that your sister’s transition will make things smoother for you. They’ve done it once before, so the emotional response will be compounded by another transition, yes, but it’s also less of a new experience to process. You have the added benefit of seeing how your parents reacted before, and being able to plan out in advance how you’ll handle those reactions.
I have a question: What do you suppose the “official tally” was of how many transgender children they can handle, before your sister transitioned? I have a suspicion it was zero. And now it’s one. Life has a funny way of pushing us beyond what we previously thought we could handle, and then we discover new strengths within ourselves.
This was my question – I really wanted to thank you, Matt, for being so prompt with a response. I’m very confused and having a lot of difficulty with what I’m feeling, and I really appreciate the advice, as well as the advice from Robyn and The Nerd. I intend to take you up on the therapy advice, and I have high(er) hopes for a good outcome.
Thanks for posting this Matt.
Topher,
Gay / trans siblings is not as uncommon as you might think. Check out some LOGO documentaries – there’s one called Red Without Blue about twins, one is gay and one is trans, and there is another about families of gay siblings.
I am transgender and am transitioning, and I have only one brother, who happens to be gay. He came out before me, and while it’s a long story, I can say that parents can surprise you in both good and bad ways. Hopefully your sister is someone who can support you as well.
However, as Matt said, that shouldn’t stop you from doing what you have to.
If you want to talk about GLBTQ families, my older sister is a lesbian, her oldest son is gay, my brother is gay, and I’m a bisexual transguy. This leaves one sister who is straight. My parents dealt with one thing at a time & gradually came to accept each & every one of us as we are. Heck, my parents go to my trans support group with me now, and everyone loves them, but it took a while for them to get there. Everyone just needs time to adjust. It’s important, though, that they meet others who have made this journey, so PFLAG or something similar is vital. Once they get around other trans people and see that we’re not so different, they’ll probably come around. My dad did.
I had similiar issues as this with my mother’s guilt. Her guilt wasn’t that she was to blame, but that she didn’t know I was trans and she would have parented differently. She feels guilty for all the pain I had as a child because she thought she was doing all she could for a daughter, instead of a son. My mother cried for days over this. This hit me pretty hard, but we have talked and talked. We finally have come to a place of support for each other. My point here is education for everyone involved and lots of open communication.
Thank you all for the really helpful information. These first-hand experiences are great. As always, I appreciate the input and the wide range of experiences and insights that readers get from these comments.
@The Nerd, I really love this: “What do you suppose the “official tally” was of how many transgender children they can handle, before your sister transitioned? I have a suspicion it was zero. And now it’s one. Life has a funny way of pushing us beyond what we previously thought we could handle, and then we discover new strengths within ourselves.” Nicely put.
I am in the process of transitioning and I have a twin who is more Genderqueer. She identifies as female but practically shaves her head, but wears female clothing like womens’ pants and tops – she won’t wear any dresses or skirts. She is also blind and is developmentally disabled. She lives with me.
I’ve had to try not to influence her thinking – she tends to copy what I do – and I’ve asked her how she identifies; female or male. She said she feels like a female but doesn’t like dresses. She knows that I’m in transition.
My parents have long gotten used to my sister’s hair and now they see me with very short hair now as well. My Dad thought we wear our hair this way because we’re blind and blind people can’t take care of long hair (grin!). I didn’t correct him on this – LOL. Blind people take care of their hair just the same as sighted people do!
Good luck to you and your family, Topher. I agree that therapy can be very helpful and, in this case, it may benefit the whole family.
Children are a blessing. I hope your parents see you and your sister as a double blessing, regardless of the adjustments they’ll need to make, and not “double trouble”.
As a parent of a trans guy I have to say I would hate to think any of my other kids would hold off on their own journey to spare me. I would feel far more guilt if I figured out in years to come that they had delayed things for my sake.