A reader writes: “What is the proper way to find out if a trans person is interested in dating men or women? I feel awkward asking point-blank and do not want to offend.”
Honestly, finding out a trans person’s sexual orientation is the same process of discovery that it is with a non-trans person.
The only difference is that, if a non-trans person is at an event that is specifically organized for LGBT people, you can usually (but not always) assume that the person is a gay man or a lesbian. A trans person at the same event might be a gay man or a lesbian, but he or she might be straight and be at the event because it is trans inclusive.
I honestly don’t know that many people who would be offended by someone asking their sexual orientation, but I’m sure that there are some (and those who are will usually be straight). Regardless, there are some things that you can do, and these are the same things that I would advise a person to do regardless of whether the object of interest is trans or non-trans.
1. Ask the person – point-blank. Say, “I don’t want to offend you, but I’m interested in finding out whether you date men or women. The reason I ask is because I’d like to ask you out.” Then the ball is in this person’s court, and hopefully you will score.
2. Ask the person out – point-blank. If he or she says yes, you’ll have your answer. If he or she says no, you might have your answer and you might not. But you will at least find out whether or not the person is interested in you.
3. Strike up a conversation about dating, exes, or some other topic that might give you a clue. For example, when a certain song comes on, you could say, “Wow. That reminds me of my ex.” Then talk a little about your ex (or even a made-up ex) and see if it leads to this person talking about his/her ex or who he/she is dating now or wants to date. The gender of an ex is not always representative of who the person might be interested in, but it can at least provide some information.
4. Ask this person’s friend. Not only is this a good way to find out about the person’s interests, but it’s a good way to relay your interest to the person without a lot of risk – because the person’s friend is going to tell him/her that you asked. It might be a little junior highish, but so what? We all revert to awkward adolescence when we start dating someone new or want to ask someone out.
5. Look for obvious clues. Not all gay guys love Cher, but most straight guys don’t or won’t admit it. If he has a bunch of Cher songs on his iPod, it’s not a dead giveaway, but it’s close. Not all lesbians go to The Dinah every year, but most straight women don’t. If she does, or even knows what The Dinah is, it’s not a dead giveaway, but it’s close. Straight people are harder to detect, but they often have photos of hot people as screen savers. Actually, so do gay men and lesbians. So check out the gender of this person’s screen saver. That probably is a dead giveaway.
No matter what you decide to do, remember that there are no guarantees about anyone’s sexual orientation. A friend of mine approached a bouncer in a gay nightclub and asked him out. Now you would think that a bouncer in a gay nightclub would be gay, right? Well, he wasn’t. Obviously he was used to being hit on by gay men, and if it bothered him, he had the wrong job. But he did say, “Sorry, I’m straight.” And that was that.
No matter who you ask out, you take your chances – and the main risk is that the person will not be as interested in you as you are in him/her. So you might want to just grit your teeth and go for it. If you get rejected, you will join the ranks of the rest of us. Good luck!
Readers, what other thoughts or advice can you offer?
i dont think you can assume that most trans people at a LGBT event would probably be gay or lesbian, trans people attend these events and groups because they are trans and want support from the LGB community.
if you need to know because you are interested in dating then why not just ask them out? that way they will either be interested or not regardless of their sexual orientation.
if you are just curious then dont ask, its not your business, and if they are a friend then let this information just come to you as it would in any other friendship
I agree that if you are just curious, then don’t ask. It will come out naturally if you are close enough to the person. I figured the writer wanted a date, but I’m glad you pointed out that it’s really not your business otherwise. The only real reason to want to know is if you want a date.
I just asked a woman out, but I didn’t bother to get into how she identifies. We had a connection and I figured I’d go with that. (She said yes, by the way.) I think that’s generally a good way to proceed with things like this. If you feel like there is something there, pursue it. What’s the worst that can happen?
Hope it works out for you! Oh and Matt, you’re totally right about that “awkward adolescence”! I felt like I was 14 again when I started to call her… planning out what I was going to say and still leaving a dorky, awkward message. Funny.
Hey now… let’s not forget about bisexuals. Your first two strategies are the only reliable ones if the person in question is bi.
And, by the way, every study I’ve seen about the sexual orientation of trans people suggests a much higher incidence of bisexuality than among the general population. So it would be wise not to ignore the possibility.
I think bisexuality, pansexuality, or a basic queer orientation that includes all genders are definite possibilities as well. If the person has one of those orientations, you don’t really have to worry about your own gender – just whether or not the person is interested in you. Thanks for bringing that up.
“Straight people are harder to detect, but they often have photos of hot people as screen savers.”
Matt, this is hilarious. I have a dog as my screensaver….it does not mean I want to date animals, though I often prefer the company of a dog over a person
Normally, I agree with everything Matt says. Today, I don’t.
There is a reason the OP feels awkward about asking someone point blank what their sexual orientation is and is concerned about offending. There is NO appropriate way to ask someone directly what their sexual orientation is, because it is rude to ask – trans or not. It’s extremely personal information & if someone chooses to share it with you – or chooses to share some information that would clarify it – that is their choice and business.
For some people, “Am I gay, straight, bi, pan…” is super easy and something they happily wear t-shirts advertising. If that’s the case, the sexual orientation information will be revealed simply by getting to know someone, normal interaction, etc. For some people, it’s more private and not shared as obviously or publically.
Sexual orientation can also be confusing for some people – trans or not. Many trans people struggle with the labels at first. Some even have their attractions shift or morph as they are transitioning. Walking up to someone and asking, “Do you date men or women or both or neither?” may be asking something that can not be asked with a one word answer and can make someone feel uncomfortable trying to put into words something they themselves are first working through or figuring out.
Inventing ex stories or reasons to tell truthful ones about an ex in order to get the other person to share or reveal info is sketchy & will come across as fake/false or just plain weird.
Asking someone’s friend to tell you is putting that friend in a strange position. You are NOT in junior high. And a friend of a trans person likely knows that he or she should be careful about divulging information to others.
No one likes being talked about behind their backs. But many trans people – stealth or not – are extremely concerned about privacy and disclosure and what people are saying about them, and this can go beyond the “average” or normal amount of discomfort. Even if the person says they want to date, a trans person may be EXTREMELY uncomfortable to have someone they don’t really know seeking info from a friend of theirs.
If you’re genuinely interested in dating someone, as Matt says, you can ask them out (or you can express interest short of that) and if they are interested, they will let you know directly or indirectly.
Otherwise, people need to get it out of their heads that someone’s sexual orientation is something they are entitled to know or be able to ask directly about. It’s not – whether the person is trans or not. And asking someone who is trans (or their friends) can be more upsetting or inappropriate than you might think at first glance.
These are good points. I am very used to working and volunteering in LGBT settings, where sexual orientation is not really a very private matter, whether you’re LGBT or straight. In a more mainstream context, it can be, for many people, very private and personal. And how comfortable a trans person is with his or her sexuality and sexual orientation can vary based on many factors, including how long that person has been transitioned.
I think the best thing to do when a person is interested in someone else is to ask that person out – even for coffee or whatever – to try to determine if that person is interested as well, or to determine whether or not there is a real spark. It’s tough to ask somebody out, but doing so can help you figure out if the person is interested in you, and then you don’t have to worry about the person’s sexual orientation or anything else.
(I still sometimes think life is just one big junior high school – but we can try to rise above that!)
Oops – I should have said “LGB or straight.” We all know that trans is not a sexual orientation.
I think it depends on who you’re asking. I’m just barely eighteen and most of the people from my generation are open and free about their sexual orientation. It doesn’t seem like such personal information, only a little detail. But that’s just my experience.
Yet another topic which is not only interesting but highly relevant to myself.
I am one of those bisexual women. If someone might possibly be interested in me, I would prefer the direct and honest approach. At this point in life, I have not quite yet gained the confidence to approach others for other than casual social interaction. I mean seriously, who would possibly be interested in a 65 y/o trans woman, the proverbial square peg, the weird out of the box thinker?
Interestingly, I now seem to be more attracted to men than women, but I really cannot stand macho men. I truly do not care what a persons sexuality is or what is between their legs. If, and I truly believe this is a huge if, I ever find a life partner, a person who we might SHARE our lives with, what is of paramount importance is WHO the person IS, that they are kind, sensitive, romantic, caring, able to share and discuss feelings, be able to really talk about things, lifes issues. For these reasons, I suspect that it far more likely that I would end up w/another woman if, and it’s a huge if, I even eventually find a person to share my life with.
Ok… what’s “The Dinah”?
Yes, I’m straight. But also clueless here. Better Google it I guess….
It’s an annual lesbian party (two parties actually – Club Skirts and Girl Bar) in Palm Springs that was originally based around the Dinah Shore golf weekend, although I’m not sure there’s much golf to be had there anymore (I’ve never been). It’s a huge party, though, and I think most lesbians are aware of it even if they don’t go.
Matt – you forgot that the person might be asexual! I bring this up only because people have tried all the strategies you mention above on me, and it only makes them *more* confused (it probably doesn’t help that I like to give obscure answers, but otherwise there’d be no fun in it for me).
Also, be careful, because if you ask an asexual out for coffee, chances are they are thinking it is really just for coffee….
“if you ask an asexual out for coffee, chances are they are thinking it is really just for coffee…”
Unless it’s an Eddie Izzard fan.
Good point, Maddox.
I did forget and I often do. I apologize for that. That’s why I value the comments. They are necessary to cover all the bases for a situation and give far more perspectives than I can alone. Thank you!
Ha, I am a lesbian and I’m always confused when asked out for coffee. I’ve been on many accidental dates. To be fair, this has declined since I figured out that I was queer lol.
Accidental dates can be a problem. I went on a date once without knowing it was a date. I thought it was friends going out. The other person thought it was a date. Sometimes it’s really hard to distinguish what is and isn’t a date, especially today, when the formal “rules” really aren’t there anymore.
It’s funny. The number one question I was asked when I came out to people was do you like guys or girls. So… In some ways, people have a hard time remembering to keep transgender and sexual orientation separate.
If you’re interested in a date, I guess the usual ways work. If you aren’t… I wouldn’t ask. It adds to the feeling of being a public curiosity or a zoo exhibit. There are gay trans people and straight trans people and I really wish that people knew that already.
True story: I was at an LGBT dinner meeting and one of the gay guys asked this hunk of a waiter if he was gay. “No,” he replied with a straight face, “I’m a a lesbian – I like women!”
There actually are lesbian men, and non transitioned lesbian trans women. So you never know…
Hmm, I don’t see anything in this post acknowledging that a guy with a hot guy as a screensaver might be either gay or bi (or pan- or omni-), and a woman with an ex-boyfriend might be either straight or bi.
There isn’t anything about that. Somebody else mentioned that, too. I think that what I was thinking at the time was that if the object of interest was bi-, pan-, or omnisexual, the writer would not have to worry about sexual orientation. The writer would not be rejected based on the object of interest’s sexual orientation (although could possibly be rejected based on other things). However, it should be noted, because, as you say, a hot screensaver of either gender (or an ex – I think I touched on that, but not extensively) does not necessarily reflect the intricacies of sexual orientation.
The only sure way to find out is to ask, which some people think is too personal a question, or to ask the person out, which will at least let you know whether or not the person is interested in you.
Thanks to those who brought up bisexuality (and pan- and omni-) because these orientations tend to disappear based on a person’s partner. A bisexual woman dating a man is still bisexual, not straight. A bisexual woman dating a woman is still bisexual, not a lesbian. But to the outside world, her sexual orientation becomes invisible, and thus, in a way, she does. And that is an unfortunate reality for bisexual people and others who are not specifically gay, lesbian, or straight, so no matter what I am thinking in my head, I should not reinforce that invisibility here.
Oh hell, another great post…. Matt I may never get caught up at this rate! I did promise to let you know when I sang your praises over at my place though, so now I am. You are mentioned quite favorably tonight.
Going back to the archives now.
Julie
Thanks so much for stopping by and for your support of me and our community. We love our allies. I hope my readers will check out your blog and website for great information on the Tarot (one of my favorite topics) and other wonderful stuff. I still have plenty of reading to do over there as well.
Well, for me, I don’t even get asked out on a date lately. When I did, it was before I realized that I was Trans. I was always masculine and that showed. Most of the time, the men – it was men and not women – who were the ones who nobody else wanted to date. These men liked to fight with people, were substance abusers, and nobody wanted to date them. they’d ask me out and I’d refuse as well!
Many people have no interest in a blind Trans guy. But, I just live my life and don’t worry about it. If a person in my life is meant to be, it will happen. I’m a nice, older, even tempored guy and have lots of interests and I do enjoy life.
Sinse I still look female, anyone asking me out would assume I’m a lesbian if the person asking me out is a woman or that I’m hetero if a man asks me out. Who knw what they’ll wonder about my sexual; orientation when I am no longer perceived as female. then I’ll have to worry about how they’ll react when they find out that I’m not a cis-man but a Trans man. Whatever…. I will deal with whatever comes my way! LOL!