A reader writes: “I have a coworker who, over the course of the four years we have worked together, made the transition from a man to a post-surgery woman.
“I have tried to be supportive of each phase of the transition, but my coworker has made it increasingly difficult. Each phase was a surprise – no notice, no explanation, no communication on what was happening.
“At one point I asked HR to please keep us informed so that we would have some time to adjust to the idea before needing to act on it. No change. ‘It is too embarrassing’ to have all these details aired publicly, yet I have asked this person not to engage in detailed conversations regarding surgical procedures, her new perspective on religion (very one-sided) or sex life, and yet they go on. These conversations are entirely inappropriate for the workplace (I don’t want to hear about my non-trans coworker’s surgery, religion or sex life in the lunch room, either!).
“She also dresses completely inappropriately for work. I have discussed these issues with management and HR, but everyone seems too afraid of getting on the wrong side of a harassment issue to insist this person look and behave like a 50ish professional woman rather than a sorority girl heading out to the frat houses. Is there anything I can do that I haven’t already tried?”
I have a feeling that this letter will get a variety of responses from readers, and not all of them are likely to be friendly, so I will address this from the assumption that you really are trying to be supportive while attempting to maintain professionalism in the workplace. There are a lot of issues here, so I’m going to deal with them one at a time.
1. “I have tried to be supportive of each phase of the transition, but my coworker has made it increasingly difficult. … I have asked this person not to engage in detailed conversations regarding surgical procedures, her new perspective on religion (very one-sided) or sex life, and yet they go on.”
First of all, thank you for your desire to be supportive of your coworker. This is always a positive thing. But be aware that being supportive doesn’t mean that you have to sit and listen to every detail of this person’s life, including her religion, surgeries, and sex life. As you say, you would not want to know these details about a non-trans coworker’s life, either.
One of the things that often happens when a person transitions is that he or she becomes unusually self-absorbed. Transition is an all-consuming process – at least in the beginning. It takes up a lot of time, energy, and thought, and it frequently becomes more important than anything else in that person’s life.
It makes sense that this would happen, because the process is so involved and so centered on self – the person is changing his or her physical appearance, name, legal paperwork, social habits, behaviors, and sometimes even friends and community. It is literally a 24/7/365 “event.”
Not only that, but once a person has made the decision to transition, it usually trumps everything else as far as excitement and significance. Seeing Mount Rushmore or attending a Broadway show kinda pales in comparison. So what you have is a person who, after years of struggle and misery, is finally realizing his or her lifelong “dream” – to present to the world the person that he or she has always been and has been forced to hide.
It is truly an incredible feat of self-actualization. The problem is that the people around us don’t necessarily experience it in the same way that we do – and our endless focus on ourselves can wear down even the most ardent supporter. Luckily, our fascination with all things us eventually wears off – usually long before the four-year mark. But since it hasn’t happened yet for your coworker, and because you have let her know that you are not interested in these conversations and she persists, it’s time to remove yourself from the equation.
If she comes to your desk and starts an inappropriate conversation, you can say, “Excuse me, but I have to get this report finished by noon.” If she sits down at your table in the break room and starts up, you can say, “Oops, look at the time. Got to get back to work.” Since you are not her boss, and you are not HR, how other people handle this situation is up to them – you can walk away.
It’s unfortunate that HR is “afraid” of this woman or of a potential lawsuit, if that is the case. That attitude makes it rough on trans people in the workplace, because it implies that we are just waiting for some reason to file a discrimination complaint, and that we expect “special” consideration and treatment. Nothing could be further from the truth.
The reality is that trans people should be treated no differently in the workplace than non-trans people are. In most workplace settings, conversations about religion, bodies, and sex lives are considered inappropriate and can even lead to sexual harassment complaints. Trans people should be held to the same standards and expectations as non-trans people, and in my opinion, to do otherwise is offensive to us, indicating that we are somehow “different” from everyone else, with an inability to conduct ourselves professionally.
2. “She also dresses completely inappropriately for work.”
During transition, many trans people go through a “second adolescence.” Not only are hormones causing a type of physical adolescence, but the freedom of self-discovery can result in an emotional adolescence, along with the need to make up for lost time. You might see a transitioning person dress inappropriately for a number of reasons, including:
> He or she might be figuring out what to wear, just like a teenager tries on different outfits and different personas to see what “fits.” When I transitioned, I had no idea what middle-aged men were supposed to wear. Once I found out, I didn’t like it. So even at age fifty-six, and fourteen years after transition, I still dress in clothes that might be considered too “young” for me. I really couldn’t care less. Clothes are clothes. As long as they cover my body, I’m okay.
> He or she might be attempting to live out the adolescence that was missed the first time around, along with the fun, stylish, hot, or sexy clothes that he/she wanted to wear at the time, but was unable to.
> He or she is just like anyone else who dresses “inappropriately” for the workplace – the person has a preferred style and wants to wear it, and it might not fit in with the company standards. This is what corporate dress codes are for.
What you have to ask yourself is this: “How do this person’s clothing choices negatively affect me and my job? Does her clothing turn off customers and cause the company to lose business, thus affecting my salary or commissions? Is her clothing so distracting that I literally cannot focus on my job? Does her clothing pose a health or safety hazard that could affect me? Is there a dress code that I am forced to follow but that she is not, so I am disciplined for wearing similar clothing, while she gets away with it?” Any of these things would be reason to continue your complaints to HR. If none of these things is true, and you simply don’t “approve” of her clothing choices, it’s not your concern.
3. “Each phase was a surprise – no notice, no explanation, no communication on what was happening. At one point I asked HR to please keep us informed so that we would have some time to adjust to the idea before needing to act on it.”
Sorry. As employees, you should be advised that a coworker is transitioning and that, after a certain date, you are expected to refer to this person as “Mary” and “she” or “John” and “he.” Anything else you get is gravy.
In my opinion, it is ideal for the employer to bring in a trainer who explains the situation in a very general way to the workforce and answers general questions about transition so that the staff will know what’s happening, what to expect, and what name and pronouns to use. But this apparently did not happen in your workplace. Since it did not, the correct name and pronoun is all you need to worry about. Your support is greatly appreciated by the transitioning person, even if it is not acknowledged.
4. “Is there anything I can do that I haven’t already tried?”
Again, sorry. You are not the boss or HR. You are not in a position to do anything, nor should it be your mission or goal. If any person, trans or not, is interfering with your ability to do your job, or affecting your paycheck in any way, you need to document it and present it to HR, then go through the complaint procedures set forth by your company. If not, it’s none of your business.
I suggest that you return to work with the goal of focusing on your job, your friends there, and what you are getting out of being there. Let this person do the same. And let things be as they are unless they are truly damaging or hindering you in some tangible way – at which point, you have a legitimate complaint for HR, just like you would with any other coworker.
Readers?
That’s a well-balanced response. I would not have done as well. I’m a little sensitive to the idea that I should have to warn everyone I know about changes going on in my life. I have run into that request repeatedly (always after I’ve made some change) and I know from experience that the advanced notice rarely makes it easier for others to cope. This is just one of those situations that brings out the narcissism in people, and I don’t mean the transitioning person, though that can be true as well.
As for clothing, I agree that it isn’t the questioner’s business. I’ll add to the list of “explanations” that it can be very difficult for tall women to find the right fit. I was once a tall women so I can attest to that. And many trans women are tall…
Okay that’s it for me. I came out at work before the summer break (I’m a teacher) so my transition at work will begin this year. Should bs interesting. Add teenagers and their families to the mix of employees and you get a lot of opinions.
Nicely written response, Matt.
That email could be modified somewhat and sent directly to HR (I’d leave out the “afraid of a lawsuit” bit).
I don’t get it, why should co-workers be told about each upcoming phase of transition? What is it they need to adjust to or prepare themselves for? Was I supposed to alert everyone in my office that my voice was going to drop, I was going to sprout facial hair and my shirts were going to get flatter? All they needed to know was my new name and pronouns – anything else is nobody’s business and at my discretion.
Oh, so much to say but really not much to base it on. Is reader male? What type of business or office setting are we dealing with? Is she bashing reader’s religion?
Sounds to me like reader can’t handle old conservative Charley changing into Clarisse the office vamp who speaks of orgasms and has no interest in baseball stats anymore.
Give it time reader. Most freshly minted teenagers eventually grow up. Sadly those that don’t often end up on the streets unemployed and bitter about a world so cruel when all they wanted was to be at peace. Take her to lunch. Be a real friend and express your concerns privately and out of the workplace. You might be surprised and it could be either good or bad but at least you will have reached out. HR isn’t going to solve this one for you. A real friend tells you the truth from their perspective. Acquaintances gossip.
I felt that I had to add my $0.02 here. I transitioned the other way, giving up social privilege. I always dressed appropriately for business. I actually began accumulating my wardrobe 2-3 years out from transition. I was a direct sales person meeting with executives at Fortune 100 companies. Needless to say I had to dress well. Now understand in my old life I wore a 3pc suit, white shirt, power tie and wingtips and black sock everyday. I truly haven’t changed my style, I went for a 3pc suit to a skirt suit, wingtips to pumps, and socks to appropriate colour hosiery. I never spoke of my transition in detail, but would answer a question posed by my clients. I never gave details about hormones or surgery, it was no ones business. Yes I felt wonderful!! I was finally out of jail!! Well fast forward 15+ years and no one is aware of my past, and it is no ones business but mine. I go to work, I am a team player, I work hard and do my job extremely well, or so my supervisor tells me. I think this person is out of line and is speaking of things that are inappropriate for the work place.
I think you need to get that “second puberty” out of your system before you transition at work. Any company allowing you to transition on the job is putting a lot of confidence in you that you will represent them well and not cause embarrassment or disruption.
I transitioned on a job that had me front and center with clients and vendors, and it was my responsibility to act my age and show professionalism. The couple that allowed me the freedom to be who I needed to be, took a big chance with their reputation and standing in the business community. I am sure they were terrified what I would arrive looking like the first day, but I had found my place in the world as a middle aged woman and dressed and acted appropriately.
I didn’t share any information not requested, respected other people’s boundaries, and dressed so well they complimented me often. I frankly get pissed off when I hear stories of people who act like the subject of the letter, who make it harder on the rest of us.
I frankly get pissed off when I hear stories of people who act like the subject of the letter, who make it harder on the rest of us.
I frankly get more pissed off when I hear about people claiming that someone else’s self-expression “makes it harder for him/her/hir”.
You aren’t forced to behave like the OP does, and you don’t have to approve it, but really blaming the OP is very unappropriate.
You think we wouldn’t have it hard if everyone played “nice trans”? I’d love to be so naive and be able to put all the guilt on others…
Sorry, but this kind of comments really irks me. Not every trans person is the ambassador of all transfolk, and they shouldn’t expected to be.
” Not every trans person is the ambassador of all transfolk, and they shouldn’t expected to be.”
Wanna bet? That is the reality we live with, and it is unfortunate that most people’s first thought of MTF is man-in-dress-with-beard. I can’t speak to FTM, except most of them I have met (like my attorney) seem to have a smoother transition. I’m sure you all will correct me if I’m mistaken. The action of T on a body is far more effective in creating changes than estrogen.
Your comment “You aren’t forced to behave like the OP does” is correct, but the expectation I’m going to is there. So it’s an uphill battle to overcome that stereotype. I’m curious what the respective ages are of the reader and the T-person in question are?
Well, if we want to change the fact that many trans people are considered ‘examples’ unfairly–what’s the way to change that? Just chalking it up to ‘reality’? seems like the status quo is ok to you. it’s not ok to me. there are plenty of trans people out and about these days.
I told you how I do it, by taking the responsibility of being what I think is a positive example that will leave a good lasting impression
How will you or anyone else do it? I have no idea.
I’m going to be transitioning and going full time in January. I have several women friends at work that know of my plans.
At the moment I think I’m in the self absorbed phase because one of the women and myself usually end up talking about what is going on in my life, a lot more than we used to. In fact we talk a lot more than we used to full stop.
I’ve already been told by my friends that if I dress inappropriately, or make some really big fashion mistakes with what I wear to work, then they will tell me. I hope I wont as I’ve been taking notes of what the other women wear and will be aiming for a business casual look, as that is out dress code.
I’ll also be aiming to avoid some of the types of outfits that I’ve seen others wearing because I’m not convinced that they are suitable for wearing to work anyway and are a bit of a distraction.
I wouldn’t want anyone prying into every detail of my transition and I don’t expect my colleagues to be wanting to know every detail. However, within reason if someone asks a question then I’ll answer it.
If the reader is concerned about her co-worker then perhaps she should get to know them better, so that she can discuss her issues with them in an honest and friendly way.
I had a colleague once who dressed inappropriately for work… not because she was trans (she isn’t) but because she had no sense of style. I can assure you I never said a word about it! It had nothing to do with me. It might be true that the questioner’s coworker hasn’t worked out a more professional style (particularly since clothes are expensive and amassing a new wardrobe isn’t simple) but I really can’t imagine a circumstance where it would appropriate for discussion. And as I am not convinced that this questioner is speaking from concern for the coworker and not from his/her own discomfort, I think the best thing to do is just to let it go.
That said, I wonder if more people feel like Kimberly–angered by this behavior… supposing what the questioner says is true? And is that primarily because our community has so little visibility that we worry any misstep (even just in regards to fashion) will have an out-of-proportion impact? Of course, our judgments are not universal, so maybe it’s a moot point.
I am not convinced that this questioner is speaking from concern for the coworker and not from his/her own discomfort
Word.
“I frankly get pissed off when I hear stories of people who act like the subject of the letter, who make it harder on the rest of us.”
It’s frustrating to think that every one of us is an ambassador for the rest of the community whether we want to be or not, but to ignorant, mainstream America, we are.
I don’t agree that the transitioning person should tell everyone in the workplace what’s going to happen so they can “prepare”. Coworkers are not family, friends and/or lovers and therefore are not privy to anything other than what the person transitioning feels comfortable telling them.
I also don’t agree that the transitioning person talk about inappropriate subjects in the workplace, or dress like she/he is going out on the town, but unless it is affecting my job (and I would have to look at why that is.), it is none of my business.
Like someone said…..if the person who is transitioning becomes inappropriate or makes you uncomfortable, walk away.
It’s frustrating to think that every one of us is an ambassador for the rest of the community whether we want to be or not, but to ignorant, mainstream America, we are.
IAWTC
IAWTC in English please?
I Agree With This Comment
Kimberley, et al. Stop internalizing transphobia and projecting your own shame onto other trans people. Yes, if you really don’t like the way someone dresses and that totally bugs you, don’t hang out with them.
The co-worker is fishing for reasons to hate their trans co-worker. Are they asking Matt for permission to speak their uncensored mind to her? How about letting your boss do the talking if it’s an issue. Maybe they’re just ashamed their work area has been ‘polluted’ by an embarrassing trans person? In any event, Matt, you’re a far more patient person than I.
Gina,
it has to do with expectations and the reality that we operate in other people’s world as well as our own.
When I was self-employed I could do anything I wanted because I was only accountable for my own actions, but when I had to work for someone else, my responsibility was to someone else. I transitioned in Kansas City which was difficult enough, but I was working for an extremely liberal company, which was the only reason I even had a chance to transition on the job. I am in awe of the courage exhibited by my employers to allow me to do so because they put themselves on the line in order for me to do so..
There were those who were uncomfortable with me at first because they knew me as a male, but eventually came around because I wasn’t the stereotype they expected. And that was the key. I was 52, and I dressed like and acted like it, and I respected the fact that other’s were as freaked out about the idea as much as I was and we all found comfort in the situation together and grew from the experience.
So stow your remarks about internalizing transphobia and projecting shame, because they don’t exist my world. I take pride and some satisfaction that the people I worked with, and clients I had contact with, had a positive experience with my transition, and THAT paves the way for someone else to do the same.
Thanks for all your comments and great discussion. I figured that this particular letter and situation might strike a lot of different chords. It’s interesting to see the different perspectives on the same situation.
We’ve all known people who behave in inappropriate ways
I might have a rare perspective: I was home schooled, and spent a lot of time around other people who were home schooled. There is a certain self-involvement and lack of prioritization placed on the reactions of people around you that is common among that group (I recognized it when I was a teen and purposefully trained myself out of it).
I see very similar behavior among some trans* people, especially those who in order to transition had to reject most everything they valued except the desire to transition. The problem, of course, is that the idea that I am more important than everyone around me is conveyed, consciously or unconsciously, to everyone around me. It turns people off and it leads them them to turn off their own social inclusion of me because it no longer seems mutual.
There’s not a solution that I’ve seen reliably work among home schoolers. Some continue to instantly alienate people around them for most of their lives, while others, one way or another, find themselves in a forced-socialization environment and prioritize learning to interact with other people in boundary-respecting ways. (Probably the closest thing to a reproducible solution is “go to college and find a romantic relationship”, where suddenly the home schooled person may care as much about someone else and their partner’s social comfort in larger groups as themselves.)
I would say that seeking out positive interactions (like, asking after her hobbies, gardens, pets or work) might be one way around some of these issues. It may be that the coworker talks about gender because she doesn’t know what else to talk about or thinks that’s the only thing other people are interested in. It will be complicated by gender (the letter-writer didn’t mention hir gender, but workplace interactions are often gendered anyway and even just friendly attention can be uncomfortable), but having the hundreds of social interactions it can take to learn when to stop talking, what body language to use, how much eye contact people respond positively to and how much personal space our culture expects simply takes time and awkward practice.
Interesting perspective. Thank you.
I just read the responses from Kimberly and Jenny. I know that on this blog, there are few of us M2F. Maybe it is different for us? Maybe it is easier to go from female to male? I don’t know I can only speculate. Maybe the change when an M2F transitions is more noticeable; again I don’t know. I do know that when transitioned on my job I didn’t talk about it. It was just a fact of life, move on. I didn’t even have many questions from my clients (see prior post). Many of them were pleasantly surprised, they had expected a guy in dress, but who showed up was a polished middle-aged woman dressed most professionally. My biggest offer of advice to those who begin this journey, is to plan, plan plan.
I’m having a little trouble here. The letter writer is pissed because HR did not inform *them* of this other person’s transition every step of the way. Because, dammit, they deserve to know these things! But yet, this trans woman is just saying too much and being too damned loud about her transition, and icky stuff about the surgeries and sex she has. And, religion. Which is it, letter writer? Do you want to know or don’t you?
I get the feeling that they want an “objective” explanation from a trustworthy cis source (HR), because all this uncensored information is just too much. They still want the information, but don’t care for the gruesome details. How exactly are you *not* informed about her transition if she’s talking about what she plans to do, or what she has done? And if you’d rather not hear about it, then, why do you want to hear about it?
And then I wonder about this idea of “professional” or “appropriate” dress. No one ever questions “professionalism,” or which discriminatory standards those might be based on. And it might be that the same clothes that are “inappropriate” on a trans body might not make the letter writer even bat an eyelash if they were hanging on a cis body.
“Sorry. As employees, you should be advised that a coworker is transitioning and that, after a certain date, you are expected to refer to this person as “Mary” and “she” or “John” and “he.” Anything else you get is gravy.” (Matt)
As trans people, it ain’t our duty to make sure we make sense to cis people. I used to think it was. I used to think I had to do all the work so the cis people around me wouldn’t have any work to do. But that’s a lesson we learn before we even learn the words for what we are. Put yourself out, be quiet, hurt, whatever you have to do for the comfort and convenience of the good, normal people. It’s bad enough that you can’t find it in you to be good and normal yourself.
“The co-worker is fishing for reasons to hate their trans co-worker. Are they asking Matt for permission to speak their uncensored mind to her? How about letting your boss do the talking if it’s an issue. Maybe they’re just ashamed their work area has been ‘polluted’ by an embarrassing trans person? In any event, Matt, you’re a far more patient person than I.” (Ginasf)
I’d like to know what search terms the letter writer used to find this blog, because I’m nosy, too. I know they ain’t a long-time reader, or hope they aren’t, because if someone’s spent a lot of time hanging out in trans spaces on the Internet and still don’t know any better than to write a letter like this, Lord help us…
As trans people, it ain’t our duty to make sure we make sense to cis people. I used to think it was. I used to think I had to do all the work so the cis people around me wouldn’t have any work to do. But that’s a lesson we learn before we even learn the words for what we are. Put yourself out, be quiet, hurt, whatever you have to do for the comfort and convenience of the good, normal people. It’s bad enough that you can’t find it in you to be good and normal yourself.
Exactly.
To expand southcarolinaboy’s point about whether the letter-writer actually wants to know or not… Why in the world would it be better to hear the details from the HR than the transitioned lady herself? HR sharing such information about other employees is not only unnecessary and inappropriate, but might be downright incorrect as well. Does the letter-writer honestly think that the (presumably) cisgendered people of the HR would know about things better than the transwoman in question?
“Does the letter-writer honestly think that the (presumably) cisgendered people of the HR would know about things better than the trans woman in question?”
If the letter writer really wanted to know, but didn’t want to ask the coworker, there is such a thing as the internet where you can sit in your own home, cave, rock etc. and research just about everything under the sun (and beyond) without having to ask anyone. It’s an amazing invention. You might’ve heard of it?
“Each phase was a surprise – no notice, no explanation, no communication
on what was happening. At one point I asked HR to please keep us informed so that we would have some time to adjust to the idea before needing to act on it.”
Again-the internet is an amazing invention.
I still don’t understand the gall of some people when it comes to wanting to know things they think they have a right to know, when the reality is it is truly none of their business.
Yeah… I get the impression that what the letter writer is saying in that point can be reduced to, basically “I am to lazy to be bothered to look up info about the process, I demand to be educated”.
If I could do that and understand it at 15, surely a non-disabled adult is able to do it.
*”if I could do that…”
I meant that I could look up info about the process on the internets, not that I demanded to be educated
I think HR did everyone a disservice by not doing some educating ahead of time as well as the person’s transition was underway. It should not be the responsibility of the person transitioning to answer every one’s basic questions, just as it should not be up to the reader to seek out information that may or may not be germane, applicable, or true, about the person transitioning.
I bought several copies of “True Selves” for those who were interested and made myself available for questions, and took no offense at questions asked in ignorance. There were people who had very little KNOWLEDGE of transsexualism, and there were some who had MISINFORMATION as well. It is those two things we must overcome, (lack of knowledge and misinformation) to be understood, much less accepted.
I am not going to disagree with the general impression that the questioner’s intentions seem dubious. I feel that way as well, but it seems that at least some effort was made to find information given his or her presence here. The question asked is the wrong one (“how can I make her transition easier for me?” is more than unproductive) but there may be an underlying interest in information. And I know I’d prefer that those with whom I am not particularly close find their information on their own rather than bothering me for the details of my life.
I know I took offense to the invasiveness of this questioner’s point of view, which seemed to imply that I would owe her an explanation for my every move (should I work with her). BUT it is interesting that s/he found this site and looked for advice. Hopefully s/he will heed our comments and tread carefully.
To those speculating whether FtM transition is easier in the workplace (or anywhere) than MtF transition, here’s the answer: it’s not. Certainly not in my case. I’ll admit I’m a bit testy on this subject, but that’s because I’m tired of hearing it. I won’t go into details so as not to take away from the main point here, but I wanted to clear that up.
Sorry to hear your experience was so hard. Personally, I had enormous trouble getting leave for surgery, even though the leave company theoretically granted leave for trans-related treatment, because what they really meant by that was “we give time off for bottom surgery”. Any chest surgery was still defined as cosmetic.
The Oppression Olympics gets pretty intense sometimes. I encountered someone talk about how easy queer MtF folks had it, since they didn’t want the approval of straight men, who were all terrible people, clearly. When I suggested that there were rather a lot of straight men in the room at that particular support group, she clarified that *of course* she didn’t mean *trans* straight men! That was about the time most of us got up and left.
I wish people weren’t so hung up on generalizing.