A reader writes: “I was a participant at the 100th Bay-to-Breakers race, where, among many other naked people, I saw a person with distinctly feminine breasts and a distinctly masculine penis.
“I must admit, in a brief, surprised stupor, that I looked for slightly longer than I would normally look at a naked man, yet shorter than I would at a naked woman.
“This person noticed my discomfort and proceeded to dance, when I simply turned away without further comment. I am a straight male with no axes to grind, but the encounter continues to make me uncomfortable. I realize it was a somewhat ‘Carnivale’ atmosphere, so I didn’t judge.
“My questions are: Did I likely offend someone who was simply making a sexual overture, and what should I have done more tactfully? I’ve been approached by both gay men and hetero women without any qualms or lasting discomfort, but this was a first and my brain just didn’t know how to process it.”
First of all, welcome to my blog, straight non-trans man! Please come back, and tell your friends.
Second, there are two potential offense triggers here, and some people won’t agree with me, but I don’t think that either one is particularly offensive.
The first is looking for “slightly longer than I would normally look.” It’s possible that the individual took this as an offense and decided to dance for you not in an attempt to hit on you, but as a way of flipping you off for staring. However, in this situation, your “looking slightly longer” is, in my opinion, a normal reaction.
A primary necessity for human beings is to make sense of the world around us. We generally do this by categorizing what we see using previous categories that we have created in our mind. In other words, we try to relate new things to previous experiences. When we come across something that isn’t familiar to us, we will often look longer than we usually would in order to make sense of or understand what we are seeing based on our prior knowledge.
Staring is generally considered socially unacceptable in the United States, but we often do this for a period of time without realizing that we are doing it. It takes a while for this new information to reach our brain and to find some connection – “Oh, that’s what I’m seeing.” Once it reaches our brain and we realize that we have looked for too long, our natural inclination is to look away, because we are then aware that we have violated a social norm.
Then comes the other possible offense trigger – the looking away. If the individual was, in fact, flipping you off in a fashion for staring, he or she was probably not offended that you looked away. If this person was instead coming on to you, mistaking your staring for interest, then it’s possible that his or her feelings were momentarily hurt by your rejection. But I honestly doubt that someone who is comfortable and confident enough with a non-standard body to enter a naked race and then dance will be hurt for long.
People who make sexual overtures to others are rejected all the time, regardless of their body, sexuality, or gender identity. Because you had no way of knowing whether or not a sexual overture is what this was (and I don’t think I would have known, either), you didn’t have enough information to know how to respond. Turning away from an uncomfortable public situation is also a natural response, and one that is not always entirely under our control. It is often a reflexive response, and we realize afterward that it could have been interpreted as offensive.
So as far as whether or not you hurt or offended this person, I wouldn’t worry about it. In a situation like that, where people are naked and partying and dancing – a “Carnivale”-type atmosphere – there’s probably going to be lots of eye contact and other body language among participants that will signal both an overture and a rejection.
I think your discomfort over this incident stems from the fact that you see this person as “different” from other people, and you therefore feel like you have to tread lightly or be more respectful than you otherwise would – but you don’t. You do not have to treat this person differently from anyone else that you’re not interested in having sex with.
Think about what you would have done if a man or a woman with a “standard” body had seen you and started dancing for you, but you were not interested. Would you have smiled and turned away? Shaken your head to indicate “no”? Gone over and talked to the person, saying, “Thank you, but I’m not interested”? Or just turned away and moved on? Whatever you would have done in that situation is what you should have done in this situation and what you should do in the future.
In a situation where any person who I wasn’t interested in started dancing for me, I would probably smile to be polite, and then turn away to indicate that I was not interested. If the person was close enough for me to say something, I might say, “Wow, good dancer,” or something like that to be friendly, but I wouldn’t strike up a conversation. But that is only if I was cognizant enough to control my initial reflex, which would likely be just to turn away.
The short answer is don’t sweat it. This was a public party, people were just having a good time, and I doubt if you caused any lasting damage. It was San Francisco, after all – anything can happen, and usually does.
Readers, what do you think?
What do I think? I think you were right on the money as usual, Matt. But more importantly:
“First of all, welcome to my blog, straight non-trans man! Please come back, and tell your friends.”
wow, we have company! I should have brought cookies or something.
Me, I’d have read it as teasing. Like, “here, I’ll give you something to really stare at!”
Welcome straight non-trans man.
I would’ve stared too (trying to process what my eyes were seeing and my brain was not registering) and I am trans.
wonderful answer, Matt. That is really difficult but really well explained. Said person must have really wanted to show off their body, why else would they go to such an event. And they would have expected to be looked at, surely?
Well, intellectually, I completely agree with your assessment of the situation… and I also agree with The Nerd that the observed was likely giving the questioner something to look at… But, in a very emotional way, I’m upset by this situation. It’s bringing up all sorts of experiences I’ve had… and not in a good way. I guess it’s highlighting experiences that have been traumatic for me. The questioner, who is seeking out information to make more sense of his experience…. which I appreciate and admire, said that the vision “continues to make [him] uncomfortable.” That lasting discomfort makes me very uncomfortable. I’d imagine that the person the questioner observed is a pretty confident person, given the situation in question… it’s not for the meek… But I’ve been confronted at times and have acted out in ways that might appear confident to others but contain all of my fears and discomforts. I’ve been yelled at in a number of women’s bathrooms… When one woman yelled in my face that I had to “get out,” I grabbed my chest violently in her face. I’m sure I seemed like a crazy person to her… and I was crazy. I was bursting with the pain of being such an other… always at odds with the expectations of those around me. I don’t want to judge this stranger, but my instinct is that if I were the one being stared at, I’d imagine that the questioner wasn’t displaying a lot of compassion for a fellow human. No one wants to feel like the object of another’s confusion or disdain. I don’t mean to suggest that the questioner meant to create this situation. Was his reaction of staring a natural one? Probably. But, for me, I’d remember the ass who made me feel different, the person who had made me self-conscious in a sea of exposed people… That person would have changed the event into a test of my strength… It’s not his fault, perhaps… just the nature of this life. But that’s my gut reaction.
Thank you, Ethan.
I have been stared at my whole life. As a child, it was because I was very, very, very short. As a teenager, it was because I was very, very, very short with huge breasts (that I despised, by the way). As I got older and began to take control of my appearance, I first was stared at for dressing and wearing my hair and clothing in a countercultural way, even though I was very short, very large breasted, and stocky. As you may know, those who are born female and remain [mefemale (even though my brain at the time knew that I should have been born male) who are counter to what mainstream society deems attractive (read: tall, thin, pandering to masculine straight men) are supposed to make themselves invisible. So a four foot ten fatty with huge tits wearing the "alternative" fashions of the times was immediately a target for laughter. Eventually I transitioned, lost an unbelievable amount of weight as well as had chest surgery. I also got a lot of tattoos. Now, I was being gaped at both for my tattoos and my gender nonconformity, as well as the shortness. When I got tired of constantly having my height be an issue, I began wearing hugely heeled shoes hidden by big bell bottoms (I did not want to be "ma'amed" for wearing high heels, hence the bell bottoms, but of course I also wanted to hide the fact that my now "short to average" rather than "beyond short" height was due to an illusion). Predictably, the staring didn't stop, not just because of my gender nonconformity, but was now associated with a new element of embarrassment for me. Perfect strangers on the street would stop and ask me to pull my jeans up and show them my shoes. They either (or both) wanted to figure out my gender by seeing what type of shoes I was wearing, or (if they already thought I was female, usually) would do so in order to throw in the face the correction I was making with my appearance. At that point, I'd get people badgering me to tell them how many inches my heels were, how tall I was, and why I was so short. Even worse I'd get some straight male saying that he "loves little girls like [me], they make me feel like a REAL MANNNN…” or things even more obscene. Since I identify as male, this would make me feel horrible. Even if the person inquiring on the shoes didn’t gender me, I knew immediately they saw me as female when they saw the shoes, and possibly before (most strangers don’t stop men on the street and ask about their sartorial choices, much less demand they reveal them. NO guy gets stopped and asked to take off his hat and reveal his toupee, for example).
In short, staring hurts..no matter what the intentions are.
So glad you were welcoming to the non-trans straight guy, because I’ve been talking about you over at my place again, and it’s likely that more of us could be showing up here.
I’m reading Jamison Green’s book now (it’s as good as you said it was) and I realized that there were some things in my draft folder (from here) that I never posted.
Break out the cookies, company’s coming over!
Julie
(another non-trans straight person)
Julie is fantastic and she has a terrific website that everyone should check out.
I have a lot of catching up to do with my reading over there, because I want to read the whole site, but I was actually going to e-mail you (Julie) this weekend to ask about a Tarot card reading.
Julie is a tremendous support to our community and I hope you all hop over to her blog and website. She is educating her readers on the trans community, and I am really honored that she is a regular reader here now.
Welcome Julie and thanks for your support.
Welcome, Julie . . . forget the cookies, this calls for a cake!
Ethan,
Surely if you are nude in public and showing off a transgendered body, you’d expect people to look? I mean, you can’t blame an expected ‘Normal’ observer for the normal reaction of looking a bit long at the scene. Can you?
I might have just nodded my head, to acknowledge I’d been “caught looking”, but turned away, pretty much the same as the original writer. No fuss, no muss. But then just dropped it, so you’ve got to give him points for asking if he’d given unintentional offense.
I didn’t say it wasn’t normal. I just said it bothers me. And what really bothers me is not the initial reaction but the lasting discomfort.
I keep thinking about this situation and the general response. As far as I’m concerned, though it is natural for someone to be confused or intrigued by differences, staring is just rude. I don’t know when staring is ever appropriate. I’ve seen people with excessive scarring or deformities… I may have been intrigued but I didn’t stare at them. And if I had I can’t imagine people here would tell me it was acceptable behavior. What if the situation were different and people weren’t naked? Would that change how people interpret the discomfort and staring?
I know this topic is going to be replaced and the chatter has already faded, but I didn’t want to leave it without saying anything given that it has been on my mind.
I believe that I understand your position. In an earlier comment, you said that you were disturbed by the fact that this writer was experiencing lasting discomfort over this incident. While I think that some of his discomfort was with regard to his own behavior, which is what he asked me about and so what I responded to, I think some of the lasting discomfort probably has to do with the fact that he finds this individual unpleasant, distasteful, or disconcerting in some way. I didn’t deal with that, because that wasn’t what he asked me, and I certainly can’t chastise him for feeling how he does. I hope that this experience and his writing to this blog will be a step toward changing those feelings, if in fact they do exist.
Also, as far as staring, it is rude. However, it can also be a response that we aren’t always aware of at first. And we sometimes do look longer without realizing that we are staring because we are processing new information, and we might not realize how long it is taking us to do that. While I don’t condone staring, I do understand why it might happen unconsciously. However, I think I understand where you are coming from.
This comment is from me. I didn’t realize that I wasn’t signed in when I made it!
I’d like to comment that while the person’s chest may have appeared to be “distinctly feminine breasts” sie may simply be a cis-male with gynecomastia (sie may also be trans, I’m not saying sie isn’t, only that there’s another possibility).
The condition can cause anything from slight “moobs” to full on (feminine looking) breasts (hit up google images, just not while at work
).
Frankly, the existence of the condition has saved my sanity. I’m a FtM and while I bind, sometimes, for whatever reason, I just can’t. But as far as I’m concerned, I don’t have a woman’s breasts. I have a medical disorder, gynecomastia, that gives the appearance of them.
Also, Hi! I’m Patrick, and I’m new here.
Agreed. This is very much how I handle the whole thing. I figure if anyone asks, that’s what I will tell them. It’s a lot easier to explain than the whole trans thing.