Could we not anticipate the brouhaha? Even when a “nice,” “normal,” “perfectly acceptable” heterosexual couple recognizes that their child is trans and decides to takes steps to make the child’s life as comfortable as possible as soon as possible, they are blasted by all manner of folk who really need to be worried about their own children instead. But add “lesbian” to that mix and there is going to be hell to pay.
Same-sex couple Pauline Moreno and Debra Lobel say that their adopted child, who is now known as Tammy, has claimed that she is a girl since the age of three and threatened to mutilate her (standard male) genitals at the age of seven. The child is now eleven, and Moreno and Lobel have followed the accepted path when dealing with trans children – making sure that Tammy got therapy, consulting with doctors, and finally putting Tammy on hormone treatment to delay male puberty, giving Tammy more time to make sure that this is the right path for her.
Of course, the right wing is up in arms, saying that Tammy is too young to make this “decision,” accusing the couple of child abuse, and posting the story all over the Internet, with the loudest and most hostile accusations hurled by those who are soooo concerned about Tammy’s welfare that they want to make an online spectacle of her. Sorry, but in my opinion, showing concern for a child doesn’t include posting the child’s photos and trashing her parents all across the worldwide web.
But we in the community are used to this nonsense. It happens any time it comes to light that a parent is attempting to act in the best interests of his or her transgender child. This firestorm would be raging no matter what – but it is compounded by the fact that Tammy’s parents are lesbians.
Along with the typical child abuse allegations, there have been additional accusations that Moreno and Lobel are doing this because they are lesbians and want a female child. Never mind that they have two older children who are male and are apparently perfectly happy with that birth assignment, as are the couple. Never mind that, if they really wanted a female child, they could have adopted a female child. Never mind that Tammy has demonstrated her gender identity since the age of three, which is a highly typical age for any gender identity to make itself known. Never mind that Moreno and Lobel have followed all procedures with regard to seeking out professional advice and following professional recommendations. Somehow, their being lesbians is all that the critics want to jump on.
For those who are oh, so concerned about Tammy, her lesbian parents, and the decisions that are being made, consider this:
> Most people become aware of their gender at about age three or four. If, at age eleven, Tammy is “too young” to know what gender she is, then so are your children. If your six-year-old child with a “standard” female body says that she’s a girl, how does she know for sure? How do you know? If your twelve-year-old child with a “standard” male body insists that he’s a boy, is he certain about that? Are you? If Tammy is too young to know that she’s a girl, then maybe your children with traditional body/identity alignment are too young to know who they are as well. Now what do we do?
> When you adopt a child or when you give birth to a child, you are never certain what you are going to “get.” Trans children are out there. Some might even be waiting to be adopted. Tammy could have just as easily been adopted by a heterosexual couple and, hopefully, they would have followed the same informed and cautious path that Moreno and Lobel did.
> Coming to terms with the fact that their child is trans is no easier for Moreno and Lobel than it is for a heterosexual couple. I know a lot of lesbians, and many know as little about trans issues as straight people do. Moreno and Lobel’s sexual orientation does not give them any special insights, nor does it have any influence on what decisions they will make for Tammy, other than the fact that they might be a little more versed in what it’s like to face discrimination and hatred due to ignorance. Because of this, they will hopefully be able to provide Tammy with the support she needs when she is faced with the bigotry that is already being spewed across the Internet.
The fact that Moreno and Lobel are lesbians has nothing to do with the situation at hand. The fact that they are informed, insightful, aware, and caring parents has everything to do with it. I wish them the best of luck.
Readers?
We actually watched a snippet of this case documented in a sociology class. The documentation did not form an opinion and simply delivered things the way they are (very unlike these things).
From the whole of the class there was only one person ignorant enough to even try and claim that it was dues to the parents sexual orientation, and only three were against their response to Tammy’s choices.
Those against claimed that they were being irresponsible for ‘encouraging’ her but the majority of the class agreed that these were probably some of the best parents out there, that they would help their child in such a way while many other would just turn away or even try to suppress their child.
The generally positive response that I have seen towards this case make me proud to pe a part of the younger generation for once, their understanding and open view of the world means that people like Tammy are going to face a lot less barriers in life than would have previously been posed.
I congratulate her parents on their ability to cope with their child’s gender recognition as many cannot and I wish both them and her the best of luck.
I am a transbian , and have a bisexual daughter who is seventeen , I think the cruelty and trashin people are directing towards the lesbian couple and eleven year old Tammy , is just wrong , in so many ways ! If I was not born Trans , and any of my kids were born trans or gay i’d want them to be as comfortable as possible , We as a society need to open our minds up to diversity . My Daughter came out to me as bisexual a year and a half ago , does she need to see a professional for help ? I think not , she just needs acceptance as a way to show support and acceptance . I commend Pauline Moreno and Debra Lobel , for doing the right thing , a higher chance of Tammy not being a number in the trans suicides . Society needs to grow up and be mature !
I could not have said that any better , Another Sean
Just another example of how society hates parents. It can’t simply be that there are different ways to raise a child. It can’t be good enough that these mothers are trying their best. No, any time a parent does something different than what a critic would have done, it’s “child abuse”, whether it actually is or not.
I personally met Debra and Pauline at the Gender Spectrum conference in Berkeley, where the CNN article was shot and reported (and the reporters were also extremely nice and eager to learn). They are both wonderful people, we talked and bonded, and they even invited us to dinner.
The original CNN article came out about a month ago, and it’s strange that it exploded just now. Coincidentally I was browsing this morning and came across the wall of hatred that has spun off. Now my stomach is all up in knots and I can’t quite shake off the horrible feeling – sometimes I can’t handle so much hate, especially when it hits so close to home.
Matt – Thank you very much for deconstructing the criticism and debunking it with rational, level-headed arguments. We need more of this!
I commend them for putting their face on this issue, it’s one of the best ways to promote understanding and knowledge. They are very loving parents; their daughter now beams happiness. And just like any other parents, they have been on a long journey, full of questions and hardship, and are still forging forward. But if all parents were more like them – stopped and listened to their child, and did what’s right for them no matter what – we’d have happier children, who would eventually grow up to be happy adults, and the world would be a happier place.
Man, I am twenty different kinds of happy right now knowing that I am neither a celebrity nor the child of one. Transitioning in the public eye must be terrifying.
But. Lovely people. Hurrah kids transitioning young! Hurrah great parenting!
I think it’s always going to be easier for people who struggle with the idea that gender isn’t as clear as they have always thought it to be to just push things they cannot explain onto the shoulders of scapegoats. This time, she is trans because her mums are gay. Next time, he’ll be trans because he was dressed in pants growing up and had his hair cut short. It’s certainly ridiculous when you break it down. If I changed your hair, would I change your gender? If your father fell in love with a man would you want to become one? If your mum was butch would you grow up confused about womanhood? No. But it is easier to say yes than it is to say that gender is far more complicated than all that. It comes from a place we cannot identify and it stumps us when we aren’t prepared. I know my gender has baffled me… But I appreciate the frustration I felt in your post because it is so dehumanizing to treat people in this way. We need to be better about giving each other the benefit of the doubt. These women didn’t seem any more eager for a trans child than my parents (a heterosexual, conservative couple) were. What they do seem to be, however, is loving and understanding. What would you want a parent to be? I know that many people would say that if they were the parent of a trans child they wouldn’t let the situation lie; they would set their kids straight. BUT when those parents have loving hearts, their resolutions often dissolve in real life situations. We need to recognize that life and identity are immeasurably complex and that people deserve compassion first, not judgment. I enjoyed seeing the video of that particular family. They seemed kind and their daughter seemed happy. What more do we want from them or anyone else?
I couldn’t have said it any better, Ethan.
Ignorance is dangerous; visibility and education are key.
Thanks Matt, well done, as usual. These are good parents (great, in fact!) and that’s all there needs to be said about it. Sadly we know the asshats of ignorance won’t see it, but we can certainly hope that having this story become public will help more people in the long run.
It’s already getting better, in general terms of national history though. We support Tammy and her family, right there: improvement.
Julie
I have been wondering why the “controversy” didn’t explode earlier. After I saw the initial documentary I was afraid that the right wing nuts would love this story. Let’s just hope they loose interest in it soon. I’m sending all my best wishes to the family.
All the LGBT community needs to COME OUT! That way our enemies will see truely how large and strong our community is and the fact that WE ARE EVERYWHERE no matter what the right wing nuts say. I am glad the younger generation is becoming more open minded and that more brave parents are doing what is right for their Trans kids.
Good luck to those wonderful Lesbian parents and their Trans daughter!!!
Speaking only for myself Lyn I am choosing to live my truth in a very visible reason for the sole reason that I cannot change the world by living in a closet rather I choose to allow people to get to know me as I am, grey hair and all or as a friend said of me “I am living my life out loud”.
The other thing which I will add is that the very best thing which parents can do is to listen, really listen to their children and trust them. Kids certainly don’t make this up, I know I didn’t.
good god, the ignorance is blinding I can’t even
It’s sad to know that there are actually people out there who would disrespect and dehumanize this kid’s wishes to be called Tammy and use female pronouns.
The comments are making my eyes bleed. I don’t even.
always a good idea to never read the comments on ANYTHING trans-related on a major news site
or well
ever
RESPECT. If only all parents would respect,listen to their children their children would have far fewer problems RESPECT, pure and simple.
Cheryl
These parents should be charged and jailed for what they have done to this poor little child, to even suggest that a child of 3 years of age could possibly know what the difference between a boy and girl is ridiculous. This is exactly why Lesbians should not have access to children, their psychological problems could transfere to the child.
And even sicker is the support shown here for what has been done to this child, you people should hang your heads in shame, it’s obvious that this child has been brain washed from the age of 3 to believe its a girl, no wonder it thinks it’s a female now.
I left the two comments from Wayne up so that I could respond to them, even though they are questionable with regard to violating my comment policies. Wayne, how old were you when you knew whether you were a boy or a girl?
Did it take you a long time to decide that? Or did you know fairly early on?
I’m asking these questions legitimately, because for some people, it does take time to decide, but I believe that the majority of people are well aware of their gender at age three. You might not have a lot of memories from that time, but think back – what toys were you playing with at age three? What clothes were you wearing? Did it matter to you? Would any clothes or any toys have been satisfactory? Most children do have a gender identity at age three, and their toys, clothing, and activities usually reflect this.
In addition, most transgender children are raised by straight, non-trans parents. If being transgender was related to the sexual orientation of the parents (or anything that the parents did), then these straight, non-trans parents would be the “problem.” But we don’t have to worry about that, because there’s no indication that parenting has anything to do with gender identity or being trans.
Aside from that, here is a link to just one study regarding lesbian parents: http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1994480,00.html. There are others. The results have been overwhelmingly favorable. In fact, if these results hold true on an ongoing basis, maybe lesbians should be raising all kids.