It’s amazing what’s expected of us as trans people.
We’re supposed to watch our trans sisters succumb to unspeakable brutality on a constant basis.
We’re supposed to ignore the fact that we can be legally fired in thirty-eight states simply because we’re trans.
We’re supposed to “understand” when we are denied admittance to public places or refused public restroom access based on our appearance or our paperwork.
And we’re supposed to “get over it” when someone uses offensive language to refer to us because they’re lashing out in pain or anger and it’s not really directed at us at all.
When people use the word “tranny” as a slur or in hostility, we’re supposed to “get a sense of humor.” (We all have one, actually – just give us something to laugh at besides the increasing homelessness, unemployment, and body count in our community.)
When people use phrases such as “chick with a dick,” we’re supposed to understand that these are not real slurs, and in fact, in some cases, they “accurately represent members of our community.” Why can’t we see that? Why can’t we just lighten up?
When people insinuate that being a “tranny” is the most disgusting, abhorrent, and really gross thing that a person could possibly be, we’re supposed to “get over it” and deal with the pain of the person who said it, rather than the pain of the person (and the community) on the receiving end.
Yes, words are said in anger and words said in anger are intended to hurt. But those who say words in anger with the intention to hurt also must believe, in some little recessed corner of their mind, that those words refer to something or someone negative – to something or someone no one would want to be associated with.
Think of the absolute worst thing that you could call someone in anger – the thing that you think would hurt and shame that person the most. Why did you pick that thing? Most likely it’s because you yourself think that it is negative or bad. If you didn’t, it wouldn’t be much of an insult, would it?
This type of thing happens all the time. Most incidents are private. Some are very public. All reflect and reinforce the transphobia that leads to the discrimination and violence suffered by our community. And all reveal a little bit about the person who made the offensive and hurtful remarks.
I have actually “gotten over” a lot of things (it’s easier for me, because I’m not the target of most of the vile remarks aimed at trans people, and I’m not a primary target of the violence aimed at trans people). I have gotten over being called “it,” “half-man, half-woman,” “freak,” and “monster.”
I’ve pretty much gotten over just about everything that’s been thrown my way – but so far, I can’t get over being told to “get over it.”
Readers, what do you think?
I will never “get over it” and I shouldn’t have to.
I’ve actually been arguing the other side — that Kelly’s outburst shouldn’t be taken at face value because she was just upset at her breakup — but you make a strong case here. I shall stop and think about it some more.
I can see what you mean; she could have said it that way just because she knew it would be taken hurtfully by the partner of her ex. If someone knows that the person they’re sleeping with has a partner they’re as guilty of cheating as the partner themselves meaning that insulting both of them is a trigger reaction rather than a slur at the trans community.
It does not matter what the excuse (reason) is that someone uses a slur, it is ALWAYS wrong and inappropriate.
“I have gotten over being called “it,” “half-man, half-woman,” “freak,” and “monster.”
All of the slurs that have been flung at me have made a permanent mark. They change me. I am not saying that they cripple me or anything so dramatic, but they make a black mark that in turns makes me less friendly and more cautious.
Kelly’s outburst:
Tell Kelly to get over it….and why are we surprised that she showed her true colors?!?! I mean really.
Thank you, Matt, for yet another insightful piece. So glad I bought your book!
Sadly, Ms. Osbourne’s reaction is indicative of what lies beneath the surface even within those who proclaim our friendship. Sure, they love us, or so they say, but deep down, they don’t *really* see us as equals.
Imagine that, Kelly, losing out to a tranny! A chick with a dick! OMG, I don’t know how you can ever have pride in yourself ever again! How will you be able to hold up your head in public? Can’t he see that you’re a *real* woman?
All I can really say is, I hope that Kelly Osbourne takes a good long look at herself and her reactions, and decides to grow into a better person as a result. And that I hope the rest of the world does the same…
Peace, Love, and Tittyskittles…XOXO, Gemma Seymour
As a TS myself, I certainly resent being treated as a freak or abnormality. Personally, words like trannie, she-male, or chick with a dick don’t typically upset me but it depends who says it and in what context.
I did have a penis at one time. I was born as a male and socialized as a male for over 50 years. I have even used the word trannie to refer to people in my community. I can accept those terms even if I don’t particularly like them because at times they may actually be an accurate term especially for a sex worker or someone looking for a hook up on an adult site. Yes, these terms are derrogatory and tend to sexualize Trans people but like the word “queer”, I think they may be reclaimed by Trans folks and given a new and better social context.
I consider myself a Trans woman. That is the politically correct and respectful term to addresss or discuss me. I have a doctorate degree and consider myself a professional and educated person. I also do not have an ad on an adult personal site showing my naked breasts and male genitals while wearing lingerie and high heels. The fact that many people in our community do present themselves in that sexualized manner perpetuates these terms.
@Gemma
>> Can’t he see that you’re a *real* woman?
This just about sums it up.
Call me a Shemale or a chick with a dick and I will congratulate you on your astute sense of perception.
That is exactly what I am. I cannot take offense at being called what I am.
Trannies that cannot handle the truth of their own existence are the ones hurt by these words. Even if they are said in hate, it makes no difference. Laugh it off. It is not something we should hide from at all.
Own your half man, half woman status like the badge of honor it is. How many of the “normal’s” could walk a mile in our shoes?
As long as we are ashamed of ourselves, we can expect society to be ashamed of us also.
2 centavos for your wallet
There’s a *huge* difference between trans folks using some of these words for ourselves and each other, with love and respect, and cis folks lashing out at us with them.
This isn’t about trans people being unable to handle the truth of our own existence, but about cis people not respecting who and what we are and resorting to insults. Also, you’ll find plenty of trans and gendervariant people who will happily own a “half-man, half-woman” label but it’s really disrespectful and offensive to say that this applies to all of us.
Some trans* people AREN’T half one, half the other. They’re all one or all the other (or at least as far to one end of the spectrum as makes no difference). Words that refuse to acknowledge a person as their actual gender and then turn it into a term for hatred and derision certainly aren’t a laughing matter to me.
Do members of other communities (such as religious groups like Jews, or ethnic groups like blacks), enjoy receiving words that are intended as slurs? Probably not. Generations of hatred have crafted words for people to express just how much they hate other groups, to express how “not us” those groups are. The concept of slurs exists to perpetuate discrimination, to cheapen someone else’s existence and to take away their identity as a human being.
A person of color, a person of a different faith, a person who expresses their gender against society’s norms…each of those (and many others) have the right to be tired of being told to “get over it”. The people using the terms are the ones that should “get over it”, stop using them, and just treat everyone like a human being.
So people within our own community are telling us to “get over it”; how messed up is this thinking??
What is acceptable to one may not apply to another. Please don’t tell others what should be ok for them just because you don’t care what people call you.
No one person can or should speak for everyone (or anyone) else but themselves.
Who’s hiding?
Nothing like reading an entire essay about telling people to ‘get over it’ and how dismissive that is, and having someone following it up by telling people in our community the S.O.S. And honestly, with that kind of attitude, I don’t care if you’re trans or not. Don’t tell people what they have a right to be offended by or not.
Neither is anyone telling you that you can’t call yourself what YOU wish to call yourself. What we’re saying is… don’t call others what they aren’t comfortable with and don’t make assumptions about their gender identities because it won’t be appreciated.
Moreover, Ms. Osbourne (whose little tirade I think inspired this piece) basically referred to trans women as very much something LESS than a ‘real woman’ like her. My not putting up with that has NOTHING to do with shame and everything to do with refusing to tolerate or smile at that kind of b.s. anymore, whether it’s from Kelly Osbourne or from you.
thanx “aShemale” .. I agree with you.
Why can we not admit that we’re “different”? Not better or worse .. just different. “Real” woman? Not possible .. ever. “Real” man? nope. If WE can’t come to terms with this, how can we expect THEM to.
I think “our” outrage comes from shame. And bandwagon discussions like this simply add fuel to our bitterness.
Also .. the “cis” label some of us have given them .. sheesh, We hate being labelled yet we label.
“”real” man…nope”
I don’t know what your definition of a man is, obviously it is different than mine, but I am asking you to stop assuming that trans men are not “real” men or that trans women are not “real” women. Keep your statements “I” statements and you’ll find that you will offend less.
I am a real man, trans or not.
Having to have this discussion with people within my own community is sickening and frustrating.
I put the word “real” in quotes .. it’s a reference to “their” perception.
I’m sorry I sickened and frustrated you.
And Seleena, of course, you’re not jumping on any bandwagons by making sweeping generalizing about trans people’s feelings of “shame,” that we’re not real (you can add quotes, but the meaning remains) or that we’re all bitter? Funny how not jumping on bandwagons like you’re doing sounds so transphobic. Actually though, you are right in that hearing persons like you supposedly speaking for our community makes me feel bitter and another word… sad.
My humble, heart-felt apologies to everyone here. Yes, I was generalizing unfairly; no, I don’t attempt to speak for “our community”.
I’m sorry everyone.
Thank you Seleena.
Call me what you wish, I am proud of who I am and am becoming. Why people are so fearful of those of us who happen to be transsexual I am not sure other than I believe that they are horribly insecure with who THEY ARE as men or women, their problem, not mine.
Cheryl
If the woman who was involved was Black would we find it acceptable if words like nigger were used in a passionate description of the person involved in the incident? I hope we would not. As a person I understand that we say things to hurt others when angry but I think that using such hateful terms reflects our lower morality and people with high moral character aspirations should strive not to use such terms. Simple descriptive terms not associated with insulting words should be sufficient.
Jolene
Jolene, I totally get what you’re saying, but please don’t conflate “tranny” (a term I dislike as well) with “nigger.” They have very different histories and oppressions behind them and there are ways to make a legit point about words that hurt without appropriating the African American experience.
@Jolene and @Ginasf: I originally edited these comments to remove a word that made me uncomfortable and posted that I had done that. Then I immediately realized that I really don’t have the right to edit my commenters, and I returned the comments to their original form.
Oh yeah. “You have to think about the others. You need to consider their feelings, it’s a big shock to them.” That “get over it” can take the form of moralizing lectures from shelter staff, social service workers, medical personnel, anyone you have to deal with.
Since when are we supposed to take care of the feelings of the poor shocked bigots who hate us? Since when did we get trained as therapists? Are they paying us for this service? Or if that’s your therapist, are you paying for the privilege of educating them week after week, month after month, hoping that within the year they’ll start to get it and you can finally get to your own emotional problems that were the reason you went in back in the first place?
My councillor has done extremely well with the introduction. having never dealt with a trans case before she does ask the same questions as we can all expect but she has jumped straight to a supportive role and has looked into a lot of things herself (including resources she asked me for).
I hope you don’t mind Matt but I’ve sent her to a few of your past topics as I think they may help with certain topics she has asked about.
I’ve personally been called “it,” “that,” “thing,” “that thing,” “he,” “him,” “Mr. Sandeen,” “‘Autumn’ Sandeen,” “token trans tom,” “house tranny,” “tranny,” “transvestite,” “penis packing perpetual transvestite,” “shemale,” “shim,”…well, you get the picture.
More than half of those have been used to refer to me by other people of trans experience, to include those who identify themselves as true transsexuals, women of transsexual history, and women-born-transsexual, as well as those who associate themselves with the term Harry Benjamin Syndrome.
My skin is pretty thick at this point, but not only do defamatory and dehumanizing terms come from people who aren’t of any sort of trans experience whatsoever, but these terms are also used by transsexual, transgender, and other gender nonconforming people against other transsexual, transgender, and other gender nonconforming people.
And personally, I find use of defamatory and dehumanizing language by people of trans experience to be much more disheartening than when used by people who aren’t of trans experience at all. That lack of sympathy and empathy for others we’re more than capable of showing each other…well, for me it’s dispiriting to witness.
This has been a great discussion with a lot of different viewpoints. I’m sorry that I haven’t joined in more – I’ve been sick today. But I really appreciate the varied views.
I firmly believe that everyone should define themselves in the way that is most comfortable and most natural for them. Words are neutral. We give them positive or negative connotations by the way that we use them and by the actions we take when we are using them.
I fully support the reclaiming of words that have taken on negative connotations by the populations that those words have hurt, but not by others – particularly not by others who have used those words against that group to begin with. Those who choose to reclaim negative terms are not using them in anger or hostility – they are using them to heal wounds, not create them.
When we look at these “innocent” comments that are hurled in anger both within and outside of our community, we see that they are not so innocent if they are causing pain – and that the impact can reach much further than the intended recipient. And again, the excuse that someone didn’t know that a word was bad is not really an excuse at all, because if the person didn’t know the word would cause pain or damage, that person wouldn’t have used it as an insult.
We can choose to “get over it” if we want to – but, as some have said, maybe the person who needs to “get over it” is the one using the hurtful words in a negative way. Maybe he or she needs to get over the prejudice that caused the use of the words as an insult to begin with.
I hate it when someone tells me to “get over it” when I talk about discrimination about being blind. Sinse people see my blindness, they tend to ignore anything else about me because, after all, blind people are asexual and can’t possibly be Gay or Trans. (very sarcastically said!) People who say things like getting over things are showing their ignorance and their willingness to remain so. So many people seem to have this need to define someone else or mind other people’s business while their own lives are a shambles. Words do hurt because of the punch of emotion or hatred behind them.
Let’s think about our Trans sisters and brothers who have suffered and were killed on this upcoming Transgender Day of Rememberance and let us all be a little kinder to each other. The bigots aren’t kind to us!
For me there are situations where this is ok and situations where it isn’t. Around out house I frequently receive comments like “you stupid tranny” but these are said in a completely different light to comments from those that don’t know me. I mean, the most common response to this would be towards my boyfriend and go along the lines of “shut up faggot”.
While most see these words as offensive between us and between our friends I see them as ok. We can even say them offensively but we almost have unspoken permission between us.
Hearing such words on the streets however is a completely different thing and the worst place I have ever been for receiving insults is actually inside a LGBT support centre by members of the LGB side of things but, to turn this on its head once more I think the most affectionate way I have ever heard the term “tranny” used was at an LGBT meet when someone asked for support on what they were saying from their “fellow trannies”.
All in all I would say that this is really one of those contextual arguments, it depends on who your talking to and the situation entirely. If the slurs are directed at me I’m the kind of person that can mainly just shrug it off, but it hurts more to hear it aimed at others.
Sean, I appreciate that “fellow trannies” might have been said with camaraderie and good intentions… but, many trans women have a distinctly different history with that term (and even a different current experience with it). In my experience, one of the most egregious uses of “get over it” is many trans guys, basically FAAB queer people and gay men telling trans women to “get over” their problems with the term, that language can’t hurt them and, like it or not, it’s being reclaimed. Well, I’m not “getting over it” and I have a right to be referred to as I prefer and I don’t care if someone tells me to chill out (another put down), get a “sense of humor” or (uber dismissive) “you need to accept yourself” (as a tranny?).
I’ve been insulted more by those within the community than those on the outside – they mostly just slip on the pronouns. But the ones I expect to get it are often quick to comment on how I should feel, speak and identify – and not usually in a tactful way.
Great article to read today. Thanks.
This is too damned true. Unfortunately, we are some of the only people with the opportunity to understand gender in any sort of holistic way. The side effect of our robust understanding of gender is that WE are expected to be educated, thick skinned, understanding enough to overlook the ignorant and hurtful comments of our cisgendered peers… because we’re the ones with the “problem.” You’ve covered this before Matt, but I am currently dealing with the subject of “my choice” to transition within my family. I find this idea of “choice” to be perhaps the most hateful and backwards concept which cisgendered people apply to us as a group. It’s almost always backed up with “but think of the consequences to your family…”
Right, the consequences to my bigoted and insular family… meaning that those poor folks related to me by blood will have to accept the fact that the “home team” actually produced a tranny… I don’t know what to feel more ashamed about now! My sexual issues and “choice” to lead a DEVIANT lifestyle, or my bigoted, xenophobic, jerk family… I’m going with the fam. – Jasmine
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What they want me to get over: endangering my health (I’m diabetic) by not using a public restroom for fear of violence or arrest. Not being treated by medical providers because “we don’t treat people like you.” Being pushed and shoved because “you don’t look feminine enough.” Being told by store clerks, “We don’t cater to your kind.” (What kind am I? Human?)
I will never get over not being treated with the same dignity and respect with which I treat others. I will never get over being rejected by my blood relatives for being myself.
Saying, outloud or in print, “get over it” is the least compassionate and most heartless statement I’ve ever heard.
Julie
People should e nicer to one another
People should act more friendly toward one another
One should be able to forgive
It helps to love oneself
Interesting conversation. What I see in this is what I call “marginalised behavior” where the “powerless” attack each other because they aren’t strong enough, or “powerful” enough to attack the real culprits who cause our continuing anguish and suffering at the hands of the bigots who don’t think we are human. I see this behavior in all “minority” groups. I personally see it in the disabled community, the blind community, and the LGBT community.
Let’s be kinder to each other! We are all human beings who deserve respect and a decent life. Instead of fighting, lets really band together to fight the real enemy who hurts all of the groups mentioned in all this. We all have our own experiences in life and they are all valid.