The holidays are once again upon us, and no matter which one you celebrate at this time of year, or even if you don’t celebrate at all, the forced cheerfulness of Christmas songs, glittery decorations, light displays, and other holiday hoopla can add to the seasonal blues of those who feel alone.
This can be a particularly lonely time for trans people who have been rejected by family and friends – especially for those in more isolated areas who might not have access to special holiday events or social outings planned by local centers and support groups.
There’s nothing wrong with giving in to a little melancholia every now and then. While I love the holidays, there are other times when I just want to sit on the couch and feel sorry for myself, and when that happens, I sometimes indulge. Moping has its moments, and I reject the notion that it’s completely without merit. But if the entire month of December has you filled with dread and despair, you might want to consider some tricks to get you back on top again – or at least get you through until the first part of the new year.
> Make downward comparisons. Happy people tend to compare themselves to others who are less fortunate, while unhappy people do the opposite. Realizing that there are many others who are in an even worse situation than you are at least makes you appreciate what you do have, even if it seems like very little. I realize that this is kind of corny, trite advice, but research has shown that it works, which is probably why it has stuck around long enough to be corny and trite.
> Work on your sense of control. People with an internal locus of control – those who feel that they have power over their lives and that their actions and decisions matter – are far healthier and happier than those who feel that others control their fate. Being rejected or experiencing prejudice and discrimination in your life might be beyond your control, but there are many other things that are within your control, including your responses to mistreatment.
Of course it’s difficult not to feel hurt when someone treats you cruelly or when you are alone and lonely. But it sometimes helps to think of alternate ways to respond that put a more positive spin on things – “Yes, I’m alone, but I’d rather be alone than with people who can’t accept me for who I am” or “I’d rather be alone than have to put on an act every year.”
You can also reframe the entire situation – “I’m alone because I made a decision to live my life authentically, and it’s the best decision I ever made. I finally get to be who I really am, and I get to spend the holidays with someone who accepts and appreciates that – me.”
> Examine your negative thinking. Can you deconstruct it? For example, is the entire month really bad, or is it just a certain day that you might have celebrated with others in the past? Do you really have no one, or do you just not have the people you would prefer? Is it really true that nobody cares, or are there just certain people who don’t care who you wish did? Try to see where your thinking might be flawed, and where readjustment might be possible.
> Start your own holiday traditions. I wrote about this last holiday season, but it bears repeating. Starting your own traditions – by bringing back the things you used to love, starting over from scratch with new traditions, or a combination of the two – can make the holidays seem a little more magical. And this time, you don’t have to share the holiday-meal leftovers with anyone!
> Make your New Year’s Resolutions early. If there are things you want to change about yourself or your life in 2012, make those resolutions before the holidays, then get a head start on them. Setting goals can energize you, get you through the holidays, and give you something to look forward to. If you’ve already started on your goals for 2012, it will be easier to put the last dark days of 2011 out of your mind.
> Celebrate how far you’ve come. Look at what you’ve done and what you’ve accomplished. If you can get through what you’ve already gone through, you can pretty much get through anything.
Time passes, and the holidays will pass, too. There are some things that might be just plain difficult, and there might not be any way around it – you might just have to go right through it to get to the other side. If that’s the case, then at least stock up on chocolate – it’s been known to work miracles.
Readers – your thoughts about and experiences with the holidays?
(Photo: my favorite Hallmark card)
I used to get down about being alone during the holidays (and my birthday) and your post last year really helped. The part about creating your own tradition empowered me to do just that. Creating a tradition is challenging only because I allow myself to do whatever I want that day, whether it is going to check out a movie or grab a bite to eat either in the restaurant or taking it home, acting like a tourist in the city that I’ve lived in for a couple of years, or staying in and being a total couch potato complete with stuffing my face while playing video games.
(I guess that has become my tradition-allowing myself to do whatever I want, that is.)
I have come to realize that by not having to follow traditions set by my family of origin, I am free to do whatever I wish and I really appreciate that freedom.
Starting my own tradition(s) has helped me too. I used to sit at home alone and spiral ever downward into depression every holiday season. I couldn’t bear to go out and see people happy with their families (at least they were happy from my perception as an outsider) in malls, eating out etc. while I felt so alone and frightened. Then one particularly miserable holiday season I realized that one of the reasons I felt so miserable was because I had no where in particular to go except to my own lonely place and nothing in particular to do once I got there. So I changed that, I found a volunteer group to join that fed homeless people, handed out free blankets and clothing, and visited shut-in’s (seniors, physically handicapped etc.). I loved it. I made new friends and I had a purpose. The next year I did the same thing and eventually I added reading to the blind, visiting senior citizen centers/homes, and tutoring adult learners at the library who were learning to read or learning to speak English as a Second Language.
I now have my own “new” family and no longer dread the holidays, but I still find time to volunteer whenever I can around the holidays. Sometimes now I even feel guilty about doing it because I end up feeling SO GOOD. It’s because instead of feeling as if I’m “giving” I feel more like I’m the one “getting” and it seems as if I get so much more than I give. There’s nothing better than making someone smile and knowing that you were the reason…it’s got to be the fastest, surest way to kill depression and banish loneliness. It worked for me…and I’m pretty sure it will work for others…be brave, give it shot.
“Celebrate how far you’ve come.” — This is one of the most powerful and effective pieces of advice I have ever encountered.
Sometimes, if things are rough, I use whatever length of “comparison time” necessary to see a positive improvement. Maybe I have come far in the last month. Maybe it is enough that I have moved forward in comparison to five years ago. For me, just to realise, acknowledge, and accept myself as a transman is a Giant Leap Forward that deserves to be celebrated on a regular basis. This year, I am in such a different place than December 2010, and the comparison between December 2010 and 2009 is amazing. There are certainly strides yet to be made, but these little steps add up.
Often, we look forward and feel discouraged at how far we still have to go. Especially at this reflective time of the year, look backward. It helps!
This is a nice post. For me, I do a combination of family and other things. Although I am not out as Trans to my parents, I am out to everyone else. Sinse I have always presented as male, I just go on being me and doing what I’ve always have done while celebrating. In our family traditions are ever changing as people move away and parents age. We used to do Christmas Eve with Polish foods hand made and then opening gifts. Then we went to my brothers’ place to have Christmas Day with a nice dinner there. Now, we don’t do the Polish diner or open gifts on Christmas Eve. WE all just go with the flow and are happy we are together to celebrate another year.
I also am very busy with my local blind center in our preparations for our largest fundraiser – a craft booth and singers at our city’s very huge holiday festival. I make crafts to sell during the year and we practice new holiday songs to perform at the festival as well as a number of retirement homes and nursing home as well as some local clubs who want us to sing for thier parties. I also do pet therapy with our humane society all year long and bring the joy of a warm fuzzy animal to thiose who have no animals with them.
I count my blessings and experience joy in my life because I give – and get in return as the circle goes round and round in spreading joy to people everywhere. Happy holidays to you all in however you celebrate them. A prosperous 2012 as well.
I wanted to respond to this entry, but got distracted. Blame the middle-age ADD – or maybe I just want to avoid the subject. :p Mostly, I was drawn to this part:
“> Examine your negative thinking. Can you deconstruct it? For example, is the entire month really bad, or is it just a certain day that you might have celebrated with others in the past? Do you really have no one, or do you just not have the people you would prefer? Is it really true that nobody cares, or are there just certain people who don’t care who you wish did? Try to see where your thinking might be flawed, and where readjustment might be possible.”
That’s a good point. I don’t know where to make adjustments, though, and I don’t know how to figure it out. I dread this time of year and get very anxious as the time draws closer – and yes, it is the whole month for me. The anxiety and depression stems from a combination of bad childhood memories (of both Christmas and my birthday, which are in the same month), the overdone crass commercialism (why does Christmas start in October now?!), the overwhelming amount of tasks (sending cards, shopping, wrapping, decorating, cooking . . . I’m exhausted just thinking about it all!) and most of all, hearing people share their happy family stories. Not that I ever ask, they just want to share.
And that’s really the worst part – at work, for example, I’m asked “What are you doing for the holiday?” over and over and over again (I should just record an answer), and then have to listen to people tell me their own plans. And when it’s finally over, they constantly ask how it went – which, of course, means I have to listen to their stories again. It’s gotten so I avoid people, if possible, and come up with sarcastic responses, when not possible. “How was your holiday, Lex?” “Oh fine . . . I got so drunk it took me three days to sleep it off.” What I really want to say is, “Please don’t ask me, and I really don’t care how yours was either.”
Cynical? Yup. Wallowing? Absolutely. But I don’t know how to turn that negativity around. I do get invites to friends’ homes but that doesn’t make me feel better. If I don’t go, I feel left out, but if I do go, I’m down because it’s obvious they have families and loved ones, so it makes me feel even worse. Damned if I do and . . . you know. I’ll admit, I haven’t tried volunteering, but I have some doubts about that because when I’m that down the last thing I want to do is be around people and that’s what volunteering is about, right?
So yeah, bottom line . . . I don’t know how to turn it around. I only know that as soon as the holiday season is over, I’ll start dreading it again for next year.
Hey there Captlex,
I hope that you are able to make your birthday special, knowing that you deserve it. Today is mine, I am alone and so I bought myself a cake and a gift and I am treating myself with love and kindness.
This month is challenging for me and I typically just look at each day as one closer to January 2nd.
Happy birthday Cap
Thanks! And happy birthday to you!
Good for you for making your own day special. I can’t remember the last time I had a cake I didn’t buy myself. Thanks for letting me know that you’re also in the same boat – December is so hard, right? Here’s to January 2nd getting here quickly.
Happy birthday A Noun and CaptLex! I had a birthday, my 61st, last week.
Please CaptLex, please change your mental attitude so you don’t drive yourself nuts every December! I don’t know how old you are, but I’m sure that there will be many more Decembers in your lifetime. And what a bummer to be upset and depressed and cynical during this time. In life there are things we have control over and there are things we do not have control over. Look at what goes into each category and then decide how you will handle things.
Yes, there are many things we cannot change and we are stuck with every year in terms of the ridiculousness of the holiday extending into the pre Halloween time! And the commercialism – hey, we can just ignore that! I do. I am low income and I make my gioftt for the people who matter to me. I’m sure you have some of these folks in your life. If you have no family to spend the holiday with, find some friends who also have no plans and go out to eat together.
I do think that we do have control over whether or not wwe have a crappy time or a nice time no matter what we plan to do on that day. Please make your day nice no matter what you do for yourself. Don’t worry about what other people do – just do whatever suits yourself and enjoy that.
Hey, Lyn, thanks for your response. And happy birthday to you! We Sag’s are a cool bunch.
You made me think and I realized . . . I don’t have any friends with no plans. Hmmm . . . nope, they all have plans with loved ones . . . they always do. Ah well, don’t worry, I’ll get through it again this year. I hope you have a good one, and thanks for your kind words.
I’m in that place again. For me it’s little different because I lost a larger part of my family when I was quite young. Additionally I am estranged from my mother because of her transphobia and other things. I’m also single because of an unresolved trans situation, and have been for a long time. The biggest problem is that where I live literally everybody is celebrating the holidays and going home to their families, even if they hate them. Everything closes down for 3 days, you can’t do anything but sit at home. I’m rather good with the positive thinking and own trandition thing, but this is happening year after year and I feel pretty worn out about it.
I don’t know where you live (someplace small, I imagine?), but that sounds like a nightmare.
“I realize that this is kind of corny, trite advice, but research has shown that it works, which is probably why it has stuck around long enough to be corny and trite.”
I can assure you, it doesn’t work for everyone.
Comparing my situation to worse ones and “feeling better” about it actually makes me feel even worse after because of my huge issues with self-guilt.
It makes me feel mean and egoistic, it makes me feel like shit for feeling like shit about things that aren’t as bad as they could be, and other fun stuff like that.
No, thanks.
“Celebrate how far you’ve come.”
And what if you HAVEN’T?
I’m still stuck in the same situation I was stuck in when I was 16, only now it’s worse because back then I thought I was working towards a resolution.
I am currently 20, and feeling like I’ll never reach my goal because I am powerless to do anything to make things advance.
The therapist I trusted for two years betrayed me and revealed to me that he never actually believed in my identity and that he was just playing along to gain my trust. Of course by doing this my trust was crushed once again by yet another person I thought I could trust, which for someone like me is just devastating.
Now I have to wait yet again to know when I will be assigned to a new therapist (after insisting for MONTHS because they were refusing to let me change therapist), I don’t know if it will be a supportive person, a close-minded person or even another liar who will just lie to me to try and gain my trust.
I still don’t know when and IF I will be able to start HRT, I live with an unsupportive family of which I am basically the black sheep and I am also dealing with self-hurt and depression. The only reason why I haven’t jumped in front of a train yet it’s because I promised it to my best friend and I know she would be devastated, because otherwise I’d just make the world a better place by doing that.
I haven’t come anywhere. I just ran around in circles and always got back to the starting point, that’s it. Nothing to celebrate.
I wish that I could guarantee you that things will get better, but I can’t. I do know that it’s quite likely that they will, but it could take some time. However, it will be worth holding out for.
I’ve lived a long time and I know that life is pretty much hills and valleys, and sometimes the valleys are so deep that you can’t see your way out of them, and you think you will never get out, but things eventually change. You do get out. And that’s the part that’s worth waiting for.
It sounds like you’ve had a horrible thing happen to you, and I don’t know if you have any recourse or not. It sounds like you are in a managed care situation, where you have to take the therapist that they give you and you have to wait if there aren’t any available, and so on.
I know you won’t get back those two years of your life that you spent in therapy with a guy who led you along, but maybe there’s some grievance procedure or something that might hurry the process of getting a new therapist along, as well as preventing this guy from doing this to someone else. If nothing else, maybe you could prevent it from happening to the next person by filing a grievance.
I’m glad you have a supportive friend and you have to lean on her and let her help you through this time. I wish you luck and hope that some of my readers might have some other thoughts.
Tommy, There are no easy answers and transitioning genders is one of the most difficult paths anyone can take in life. In taking the path to transition genders you have choices to make, and it sounds as if some that you made didn’t work out like you thought they would or were led to believe they would. It’s part of the journey. Some of us get kicked in the teeth from the first moment we tell the world about our true gender identity and what we plan to do about it. Others get immediate acceptance only to get kicked in the teeth once they’ve thought they’re past the rough part. The truth is that we all get kicked and we all get acceptance, just not always in the same way or at the same points in our journey.
Matt and I are about the same age and we transitioned at about the same time, at about the same age in our lives, but that’s where the similarities in our journey end. However in our individual journey’s we’ve come to understand some of the same truths and here are the ones most pertinent to your current situation:
1. Life is worth it…no matter what.
2. No person is an island no matter how isolated you feel…just reach out and someone will reach back…it just may not be from the direction you expect and it may not happen the instant you want it to but it will happen. You are not now nor have you ever been totally alone.
3. It will change, whatever “it” is. Nothing is static, not even death…if you exist in the Universe things will change over time…it is an immutable law.
4. Life is about living, not coasting, not waiting for someone else to tell you what to do next. Take charge of your life even if you feel there’s nothing you can do to physically change things at the moment. You CAN do something…go for a walk, read, call a friend, take a shower, listen to music, go outdoors and take pictures, start a blog and write every day about anything that crosses your mind. Small steps and simple decisions lead to big changes over time.
5. It isn’t easy being you, but no one else can do it.
Hi Tommy,
Can I ask what country you live in, and if in the US, may I ask whereabouts (generally)?