A reader writes: “So are you single?”
Yes.
Short question, short answer. But if you’ve been reading for a while, you know that I can’t just give a short answer to anything. I think being single is an important thing to talk about, because relationships, while a primary concern of many people in general, are a particular concern to those in the trans community.
At this point in my life, I’m single by choice, and there are a few factors involved. Probably the most influential of those is my tendency to be a loner by nature. As I explain in this post that I wrote for Womanist Musings last year, lonerism is highly misunderstood, because we’re often seen as antisocial, maladjusted, or just plain stuck up.
I am none of these things, but I am probably a classic Myers-Briggs Introvert, someone who gets his or her energy and who rejuvenates by being alone. This is a personality trait that a lot of people don’t understand, and it can lead to others feeling rejected when the loner needs to be alone.
Another influence has been my pre-transition versus post-transition experience of the world. As a female, I was unsure of who I was or what I wanted, which makes sense when you are a person struggling with trans issues, because you aren’t who you are. But I had a tendency to live through my male partners, because my real goal was to be like them. And I needed that male energy, so I was not without a partner from the age of fifteen to the age of forty-two, when I started my transition.
After transition, I was amazed at how free I felt to discover my own preferences and to choose my own activities, movies, food, sleep time, and everything else. Of course, I could have done this at any time in my life, but I didn’t. And although it sounds selfish now, experiencing my life as a single person has been very beneficial to me. I had a lot of catching up to do with regard to getting to know myself, and I have really embraced this opportunity.
That said, I have had dates, I have had “physical interactions,” and I have met people who I was interested in, but in some cases, time and money (the lack of both) have prevented me from pursuing this. One thing I don’t want to do is call somebody up and say, “Would you like to go out? You would? Great. I’ll pick you up, we’ll swing through the McDonald’s drive-thru, get a few things off the dollar menu, then I’ll drop you back off at home.” So recently, the dating pool has become more of an overgrown swamp.
But I never say never, and I think that I will eventually start dating again, or even looking for a partner, and when that time comes, what better place to post a giant personal ad than on my own blog? Stay tuned.
While all this information was way more than what the question-writer wanted to know, the reason that I thought it was important to explain is that the real answer to this question, for me, is more complex than just a “yes.”
It can be discouraging to trans people to hear that other trans people are single, because the fear of never having a partner or never being loved again can loom large for members of our community. I think it’s important to point out that many trans people have wonderful, happy, long-term relationships. I do believe that, in some cases, being trans can make it more difficult to find dates and/or a relationship, but that doesn’t mean it won’t happen.
We might get turned down because we’re trans, but non-trans people get turned down all the time, for a variety of reasons. Rejection says more about the person who does the rejecting than it does about the person who has been spurned.
If someone rejects you because you’re not pretty, smart, funny, or successful enough for them, that doesn’t mean that you’re not pretty, smart, funny, or successful. If someone rejects you because you’re trans, it means that that particular person is not attracted to trans people, not that trans people aren’t attractive.
It’s true that there are some trans people who will never have a relationship after transition, but there are many non-trans people who will never have a relationship either. Relationships are tenuous things, and you never really know how long they will last or how you will fare in them.
Given that, whether you’re trans or not, the best relationship you can have is with yourself. It sounds like something out of a pop psychology book (and it probably is), but that is the one thing that will stay rock solid, no matter what happens in other areas of your life. That’s the unmovable center that remains when everything else falls away, and it is just as important a relationship to cultivate as any other.
Readers – thoughts?
Matt I love you man.
I saw the title and thought, “Great. I am about to get depressed.” and then I read. Then I clicked on the link to the article that you wrote for Womanist Musings and saw,
“I just need to move back – there’s too much noise, there’s too much conversation, there’s too much stimulation. I’m overwhelmed and I can’t think.”
I am an introvert who is sometimes extroverted when the situation calls for it. Always after being out in the world and getting “too much”, I come home to my quiet space and recharge. I have to, just like I have to eat when I am hungry.
I’ve found that my Myer’s-Briggs type fits me perfectly and I’ve even tried to test differently to see what the result would be. The result has never changed.
“…experiencing my life as a single person has been very beneficial to me. I had a lot of catching up to do with regard to getting to know myself, and I have really embraced this opportunity.” I am nodding my head emphatically because again I can relate.
I am older and did not transition until my late 30′s. When I read the above, I smiled. You again put into words what I could not. I just know that I am not interested in dating at this time, and will be quite good if I don’t ever date another person. I am open to the possibility and would not kick a suitable woman out of my life, but I will not go looking for said woman either. I am happily dating myself.
I heard a speaker say something at a trans conference a few years ago that has stuck with me…”Pre transition I was in a long distance relationship with my body and I was never home. Now not only am I home but we are intimate.”
So to sum up my rambling….
Matt thank you for having the words that I did not. Thank you for once again letting me know that I am not the only one. Thank you. I love ya man.
I really like and appreciate that I seem to come across and/or befriend folks who are talking about how going solo is totally okay. And that if you live your life and don’t have a long-term partner (or partners), that that is valid and legitimate.
I also find that my Myers-Briggs results were entirely correct. Reading up on being an INFJ has been helpful and useful in helping me articulate how I navigate the world, especially in starting testosterone for the first time.
Hello fellow INFJ.
Hello!
You all made me re-take that test (it’s been a long time, I didn’t remember the actual result except for Introvert, of course). Guess what? INFJ also! Can I join the club?
I think it’s neat that there seems to be a few of us introverts here reading such an awesome blog.
Maybe it’s also because Matt is pretty open about being introverted? I have noticed that introverts (both online and offline) do enjoy community and solidarity.
@CaptLex, of course you can!
It’s funny that the description I read says INFJ’s are pretty scarce – only about 3% of the population – and there seems to be a big enough group here. I guess I found the hideout.
INTJ, here. This type comprises 1-3% of the population, or so it is said. A bit of googling found this interesting description of INTJ and INFJ types (http://www.personalitypathways.com/dom-ni.html). I wonder if certain types are more common among trans men?
INTP here.
interesting. While I have relationship issues beyond being trans, I am working on this now (with the help of my analyst). So there is a woman who I quite like, but I worry about the ‘incompleteness’ of my body in case the relationship goes further.
At the same time I am not sure yet, which team I play on, sexually. I also have occasional fun with a guy who is very turned on by my body, but this is strictly no strings attached (he is married).
Having lived alone all my adult life, apart from bringing up my son, the idea of a relationship is quite scary for me – but that again is beyond trans. The bodily complications don’t help, but maybe I am treating that just as an excuse. It’s interesting working through this, though.
Oh Matt you missed the obvious. Your response to the reader should have been …. Yes, what are you doing tomorrow afternoon.
So this is why I have no dates! This, and the McDonald’s drive-thru thing.
Hey, I am all good with the McDee’s dollar menu. Pick a few mcdoubles and head to the park and spend time just talking. Dating isn’t about where you go, but spending time with the person.
Matt, being a 55-year-old transsexual male, myself being married as a female and transitioning at 40, I had emailed you previously about remaining in the relationship and you had told me dont be surprised if my spouse wants a divorce and out; however, my male partner has elected to remain with me and for the past almost 3 years I have lived openly as a gay male. I have always found it difficult to make friends all of my life, and I always blamed myself, maybe I am too male as a female, maybe I am too fat, maybe I am not enough of male as a male, and still I continue to put myself out there, only to be rejected again and again, but I am taking to heart your comments that it really is not me, it is the person rejecting me for whatever reason, and I am better off without them in my life. Your words are very true about your relationship with yourself, I hated myself as a female and wanted to kill myself, but as a guy I can love myself and that is one of the reasons I pursued transition and surgery and living openly as a gay male. Matt, I wish we lived closer, cause we would be spending time together at dinner and movies and getting to know each other and offering each other support and friendship. Thanks Matt for your post. Michael
I had never heard of Myers-Briggs Introversion, so I had to look it up. Wow, there is a definition for me. I am good with people, but only for so long, then it all just gets to be to much and I need a quiet place to be. I need me time, so I can reset. I am definitely better with a few close people than I am in big crowds and parties. Now if I could just fined another person who has the same issues, we would probably get along great. The longer I stay single and discover who I am, the longer and more specific the characteristics in a partner seems to get. I am really not looking, but it would be nice to date once in a while.
“I am good with people, but only for so long, then it all just gets to be to much and I need a quiet place to be. I need me time, so I can reset. I am definitely better with a few close people than I am in big crowds and parties. Now if I could just fined another person who has the same issues, we would probably get along great.”
Yup, yup, yup . . . I hear you, Pascal. Took the words right outta my mouth.
Matt, I’m all for dollar menu items but not at McDonald’s. It may be good for the wallet, but not for my health. As a few people said, it’s who I spend the time with, not how much we spend. So I can be a cheap date, but I also need to be a healthy one.
We should hold a meeting or convention for all the introverts. Too bad everyone would stay home. Haha. ;
Glad to see some attention being given to the fact that one does not have to WANT to be in a relationship or paired off to lead a balanced, meaningful life, and that preferences of being single vs. being coupled are ones to be taken seriously. This is especially true since it is often a one-way-ticket. Despite our society’s reality of serialized monogamy, the ‘goal’ of most relationships is usually expressed as permanence, so it is a lot “easier” – emotionally, financially, socially, etc. – to delay pursuing coupling and remain single than it is to rush into long term relationships & then exit them (if one realizes that they’d prefer to be alone after all).
Last, to the extent anyone reads this as saying that broke dudes can’t date (which I don’t think Matt is saying), remember that there are MANY non-drive-through options for “cheaper” dating. It just takes more effort to plan things that aren’t expensive (and sometimes more time in the set-up), and it also assumes that you’re dating the kind of people who would be cool with that.
“We should hold a meeting or convention for all the introverts. Too bad everyone would stay home. Haha.
”
I would actually come to that.
I can see it now…everyone saying hello and then going off somewhere to recharge.
Ok, so I’m not single, but my partner and I have “cheap dates” all the time: going to the movies on cheap Tuesdays, dining at home, cooking together, watching a DVD at home, going for a walk in the park, meeting for coffee, etc. If you live in a major city, you can usually find at least a few free or reduced-options, such as cheap evenings at art galleries, science museums, etc., and a bunch of queer events, such as dances, readings, fundraisers, etc.
I also believe that if you really like someone, their company matters a lot more than what you do together or how much it costs.
Matt – I know exactly what you mean about being a classic Myers-Briggs Introvert ’cause I’m one too. I’m an INTJ and haven’t found many of those around. I’ve been in a long distance (Montreal/Brooklyn) open relationship and have found it to be very satisfying for nine years. It gives me more than enough time on my own.
I’m an INTJ, too. We’re supposed to be less than one perent of the total population, so it’s unsurprising that you haven’t found many.
I’m an INTJ too. And I have several INTJ family members, friends, etc.
Obviously, it’s a biased sample (based on genetics and who I connect with), but I am still skeptical about the supposed “rarity” of us.
Less common, yes.
Less than 1%? Probably not.
And some people are also borderline on one or more of the traits.
Also an INTJ. I was mostly INTJ (sometimes INFJ) before starting testosterone, but, although it has only been five weeks, I am already much more solidly INTJ. Curious.
Me, me, me!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah and here I once again thought that I was “the only one”!
I second Damien’s thoughts about cheap dates. Add a friendly game of scrabble to the list and learn a great deal about both the other person and yourself.
Similar to Peter, I “play on both teams”. IF, and I think this is a very big if, I find a partner I will select them because of who they are as a person not their gender. What I have learned is that the men, actually make that singular “man”, who I really like has so many feminine characteristics as opposed to the more traditional manly man which has led me to ask myself if a trans man might not be the best partner for me. Honestly, I really do not care about what body parts a person has, rather I strongly favor who the person is in their total being. Unfortunately I do not know any trans men anywhere near my age of 66.
The bottom line for myself is that I enjoy my own company, and while I would like to share my life with a special person I am not looking for someone to make my life complete or any other such nonsense. Rather I look at a potential partner as simply someone who I can truly share our life journey with.
For the short term I have chosen to reach out to make new friends, to engage in the community via volunteer work. NEVER have I felt so good, positive about myself and life. But then I’m weird.
While I am currently in a long term relationship, this is the only partner I’ve ever had. Before that I was single and I never dated anyone. This probably had a lot to do with the fact that I was just not comfortable with myself, as this was pre-transition. Now, I *could* imagine dating other people (if I didn’t have one already), just because I’m much more confident of who I am and myself. Though ironically trans people are insecure about dating, I’d be much more secure doing it now than before.
That said, it’s always been my mantra that I’d much rather be alone than be with somebody whose company don’t particularly enjoy. If I hadn’t met my partner, chances are I’d be single my whole life, and I’d have been fine with that.
Thank you for addressing the “I’m single” issue in a great way. I’m a mtf who was in a very tight relationship for many years that ended in 1998 and since then I’ve been single.
Don’t get me wrong I love me some sex at any time and I go for it as often as it seen possible with guys that deserve my company. Like you, I’m single by choice. I’m a woman who likes cute guys. Sadly that type is good for one thing only; sex. I won’t waste my time trying to make them better or teaching them about Trans love when I can use that time learning about me. And I had done that very well.
Happy New Year,
Reading the chatter about myers/briggs made me curious. I hadn’t taken an assessment in years. I googled and found a few free “approximation” tools which purport to determine the myers/briggs classifications. I couldn’t remember my “type” from decades ago so I took a freebie online.
Results ….
ESTP – “Promotor”. Action! When present, things begin to happen. Fiercely competitive. Entrepreneur. Often uses shock effect to get attention. Negotiator par excellence. 4.3% of total population.
No wonder I have always been a huge Mae West and Mark Twain fan.
I am a straight trans man…
A reason I am single, won’t date or have any sexual adventures is because I refuse to “strap on” and while not strapping when perceived as a dyke (I personally hate the word lesbian) was fine, I now wonder what straight woman will date me?? Not only do I not have a cis dick but I won’t even wear a fake one. (When I’ve put one on to see how I would feel, it just reminded me of what I will never have.) And bottom surgeries, as they are now, are not a suitable option for me.
I put myself on a dating site and have even met straight women who were interested until they found out that I have a hole instead of a pole. So I date myself. Sometimes I am tired of my company..it’s not the same.
My boyfriend (transman) and I (straight woman) have a wonderful sex life without sex toys! don’t worry!
you can find someone who is willing to try something new in their sex life if they love you and are attracted to you! worked for me ! have faith she is out there!
or ‘he’
Thank you for that. I know there’s a woman out there for me who will love me in spite of my atypical male body.
The problem I have with the idea of dating, staying single etc is that I’d really love to have someone who accepts my love and loves me back in a similar way, but I don’t want to get married nor to just have one-night stands, or anything like that.
I just wish relationships could be less complicated than “you’re either serious about me and wish to be with me forever or you’re just here to have sex”. I wouldn’t mind just being “friends with benefits”, since friendship can be a strong form of love too, but Idk if someone would want that and not “move on and settle down”.
Cheryl, I’m a 61 year old Trans guy! Now you know one! LOL!
I am single after two relationships I had from 2003 to 2009 as a female. At that time, I felt the strong need to be in a relationship. Once I realized my being Trans at age 58, I no longer had this strong urge for a relationship. I am happy to be single right now.
I find that too many people don’t want anything to do with a blind person – both when I was a female and now as a Trans guy. I feel that people have much more of a discomfort for my disability than my gender. At 61, I just have decided that life’s too short and I will enjoy life with or without other people. I do have friends that I do things with but I do enjoy my time alone with myself to do whatever pleases me at the time.
Also, I have found that I prefer to sleep alone and not share my be3d. I never liked having people hanging off of me like some people like when they are in a relationship. I am getting to know my newly discovered transness and I like that I don’t have the complicatins of being in a relationship at this time. I don’t rule it out – never say never! – but I am open to a good healthy relationship if it is meant to be. I have no desidre for drama that some people bring to relationships and I’m learning to love me for who I am. Matt, great topic!
So very nice to make your acquaintance Lyn!
“Rlationship-wise” I’m polyamorous, so I’m involved a lot. But the actual dating is irrelevant. But my main relationship is with my five main Muses: Erato, Euterpe, Polyhymnia, Calliope, and Urania.
Matt, I want to thank you for recommending “Party of One”. I’m only beginning to read it, but it’s already singing my song.