The “just like you” argument is about as old as time, dirt, and me. It probably emerged with the first person to be marginalized by a group in power, and there was likely enough of a difference between this person and that group that the group was able to justify shutting him or her out.
So clearly this person was not “just like them” – at least not in whatever way mattered to the larger group.
Trans people (as well as people with non-straight sexual orientations) continue to use this argument in our demands for equal rights, and it certainly is a valid one – but it’s not the only one, because not all trans people see themselves as “just like” the (non-trans) population in power.
I have made this pronouncement myself on many occasions over the years, and I was, and am, sincere when I make it. But there are other times when I have questioned the wisdom – or even the truth – of it.
The fact is that I – and all other trans people – deserve equal rights whether we’re “just like you” or not. And one of the great things that the Internet has done – besides make resources available to isolated trans people and keep us informed about what the Kardashians are up to, whoever they are – is that it has brought to light the fact that most people aren’t “just like you.”
In fact, there is no mainstream “you” and there never was. We just didn’t know it, because we didn’t have access to all the goofy, weird, and utterly bizarre stuff that those people who are considered the mainstream “you” take part in.
Whoever set up this “you” idea was no doubt looking at statistical data that was skewed by self-report (people will lie to survey-takers to make themselves look good) and researcher bias (because even researchers want to be “just like you”).
But even though we now know what the collective “you” is really like (and it ain’t so pretty, and that includes the Kardashians), when I do decide to take my “just like you” position, I have some solid facts to back it up.
I’m “just like you” because:
> I eat, drink, sleep, breathe, digest food, and carry out other biological functions that are common to our species.
> I work, vote, pay taxes, and carry out other cultural functions that are common to our species.
> I feel, worry, care, love my family, and carry out other emotional functions that are common to our species.
> I wear clothing, maintain good personal hygiene, have several means of communication, follow generally accepted standards of public behavior, and carry out other social functions that are common to our species.
On the other hand, I’m not “just like you” because:
> I’m trans.
And you’re not “just like me” because:
> you’re not.
And while I’ll probably continue to use the “just like you” argument when it makes sense to do so, the more I see of the collective “you,” the less inclined I am to take ownership of it. That doesn’t make me unequal. It just makes me discerning.
Readers, what do you think of the “just like you” argument? Is it accurate for you?
I understand the point that you’re making the problem with the “just like you” position is that it has very nasty racial undertones. When said by a White person who is GLBT, the “you” is assumed to be the Whiteness and implies that whatever the marginalization is, it is stopping the marginalized person from cashing in on the benefits of Whiteness. I say this because Whiteness is the group that is normalized socialized with all other races being othered.
I thought I was the only one who sort of went back and forth on the “I’m just like you” idea. I have decided that as human beings we are truly more alike than different, but I can’t figure out why everyone else hasn’t concluded the same. What is the big deal? Why do these people care if I was born a girl with a boy’s brain and take hormones to correct it? How exactly does it affect the neighborhood if two men are married to each other next door? Why are we such an interesting target for all these people? I guess their life is too boring for them and they need something to distract themselves.
What Renee said.
To me, “we’re just like you” reinforces the hegemony of “normal” as the stick to measure and sometimes beat people with. The impulse to assert “we’re just like you” is why trans people are way behind the LG(B) in several respects, and a large part of why people see umbrella activism or divisive fighting as the only two options. It’s also why we’ve failed to build alliances outside LGBT, and why we often fail the empathy test on struggles outside our own.
When I started trans activism, I was sometimes pushed into this corner, and have increasingly avoided “we’re just like you” (at least consciously) by bringing it back to a question of human rights, with humanity being the bottom line that we do all share. “Just like you” can be rescinded, which is something I’ve experienced often, the moment someone realizes that I have an Aboriginal heritage.
The assimilation machine needs to be challenged in a way that ultimately ends othering altogether. We all have a vested interest in that, and that is a far more transformative change to society than simply gaining prescriptive laws.
I sometimes (but very rarely anymore) use the “we’re just like you” argument in certain discussions, although the wording is “we’re just like everybody else.” But again, I’m not sure how flattering that is anymore, now that I see what a mess the mainstream “everybody else” is. And again, it really doesn’t (or shouldn’t) matter whether or not we’re like “everybody else” when you’re looking at equal rights and protections.
I personally do not consider myself particularly oppressed as an individual. I have always benefited from being white. I have had, and continue to have, the benefits that come with that. I also think being white made it easier to transition and makes it easier to be trans overall in this culture, at least for me. Also, now I am seen as a white male. I am seen as a little old quirky white male, because I don’t meet the standards of masculinity for white men that the culture has set up, but I can’t deny that there are benefits associated with it regardless.
I have made my choice to be out as trans, which I didn’t have to do. That has been problematic when it comes to applying for jobs, because I don’t get called for an interview, even for jobs that I am highly qualified for. But I made that choice, and those are the consequences of that choice. I can’t complain (actually I can, and do, but that’s another story).
I agree with you, mercedes, that we need a larger transformative change to society, and getting certain laws passed is not going to make that happen. But I have always been one to support getting laws changed while we’re waiting. Legislation does not change attitudes, but it forces people’s hand, and sometimes that has to happen for any forward movement.
I have started every paragraph of this comment with “I”! No wonder I don’t get job interviews! Anyway, I really appreciate the comments and the perspectives. That’s why my readers are so great, and I thank you for reading.
“I” statements are exactly how we should make our opinions, views, beliefs etc made, Matt.
(It keeps people from getting defensive-ideally.)
(sorry, it’s the social worker in me speaking.)
On this subject, I like how you broke that “just like you” argument down. I now have another tool to use when necessary. I personally have little desire to be just like everybody else to an extent. That extent is still being worked out as I continue on my transformation as not only a trans man but also as a human becoming.
The argument is exactly backwards. The very essence of respect, human rights, life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness should be grounded in the understanding and appreciation that there is no one “just like you”.
“Just like you” starts and stops with the fact that we are all human beings. Other than this fact, we, each and every one of us, are unique individuals. That’s how I see it. Thank goodness for our individuality. How boring the world would be if we were all like Henry Ford’s original model T, identical, no options.
Another term which I “love” is “normal”. What in the world does this mean anyway. When this issue comes up my response is that I am absolutely normal and to see this clearly one needs only look at the statistical normal curve. Clearly I am normal due to the fact that I reside on the curve, so what if I am way out on one of the tails, my mind just works differently than those with in two standard deviations.
Laws, legislation will never change peoples hearts and minds, will never end discrimination, but such are necessary to open some doors. The net result will be that eventually those who such laws are designed to help, to protect, will one day no longer be seen as being “different” because everyone will be exposed, will learn up close and personal, that those of us who may be different from them are never the less, much more like them than not.
Recently I saw the movie “Gen Silent. One point that really impacted me was the statement that one of the people made about being invisible, that was what people had to do years ago. Some may feel that they still need to be invisible. I argue that if we are to change the world we must be visible, very visible. Visible as neighbors, coworkers, parishioners, etc. How many people have you met who have said, “I’ve never met a real transsexual before”?http://stumaddux.com/GEN_SILENT.html
You are so right about “normal.” It has come to mean “right,” when it’s really just a statistical thing. I always equate “normal” with “natural.” I know they aren’t the same thing, but natural is basically found in nature, and here I am, so obviously being trans is natural. So to me, it’s also normal.
Usually I read your articles as a lurker, I never really comment though I do enjoy what you write. This time, a few
things stuck out, but I love the fact that you encourage comments. This time I will share my opinion.
I agree with deena17 and Cheryl Cristello. The only thing I agree with in your ‘just like you’ list, is the first section. You argue that we’re only like each other in this list, but the problem is that we really aren’t all the same that way. We need to eat, drink, sleep, breathe and digest food to live, very physically unnecessary stuff. They may have seemed common to you, but the rest…is sadly subjective.
I live in Canada, so I can’t say things are the same, but I can say this.
Not everyone works, EI is still used frequently. I used it once.
Not everyone votes, I used to be an enumerator, we get paid by people who register to vote. I wasn’t paid well at all.
Not everyone pays taxes, Wesley Snipes for one.
And up here, ‘other cultural functions’ is too broad, as we’re a bit of a melting pot of cultures up here.
Not everyone worries, I’ve seen a lot of people who don’t see life as something to fret over.
Not everyone cares, look at the hate we deal with. Some people can’t care about anything, well, themselves excluded.
Not everyone loves family, I’ve been disowned by most of it so family has lost it’s value to me.
It’s so hard to say that everyone feels the same emotion when scientists are still trying to figure out why and how our brains are wired differently.
Not everyone wears clothing, nudists are very…interesting.
Not everyone maintains personal hygiene, my old roomate was one of the filthiest people I know.
Not everyone has several means of communication, either by choice or birth. My gram hates technology, she has the phone, writing, speaking.
Not everyone follows generally accepted standards of public behaviour, punks, people sexing in public, there are many people who defy that same ‘accepted standard’ that society has laid down.
Lots of people are also anti-social, and so scoff at common social functions.
In this way, I’m nothing like a lot of people. We can’t be like each other, not exactly the same.
The one thing my english teacher always reminded me of when writing an essay was this: Never say always or everyone, say most of the time and most people. Because there are always going to be category busters for everything.
I say we as trans people ARE the same as everyone else. Why? We are HUMAN. We are ALIVE. We THINK. We have INTERESTS. So many people believe, belive in, and don’t believe so many things.
I am a transman. I am just like you. I am just like another person. We are human, we share life. I may or may not be like you because I like the colour purple, I like my xbox and love my friends. I like wearing goth clothing and my favorite animals are wolves. I’ve been hurt by my family, struggled to stay alive, and I hate brussel sprouts.
The ‘I’m just like you’ arguement may be difficult to work with, but it’s very dependent on the situation.
That’s my opinion, sorry if it seems like I’m nitpicking.
Keep up the otherwise awesome blogging, and thank you for taking the time to read this.
I always want comments, and I completely welcome comments that present another side or from people who don’t agree with what I have said. Obviously, this blog represents my experiences and opinions, but I feel like my readers benefit the most from the comments section, because they get to see the wide variety of opinions and experiences out there.
But I don’t think we disagree as much as it might appear. I know that list is subjective and it is informed by the expectations (not the reality) of my particular culture, which is, again, shaped by so many things – my geographic location (the U.S.), my region within the U.S., my age group, my race, my gender, my perceived economic and social status/ranking, and so many other expectations that my larger culture has and that particular subgroups within my culture have.
I do know a group of nudists, but we have only interacted with clothes on – mainly because we were in an office and wearing clothes is an expectation in that setting. But even if I went to their place, I wouldn’t be taking my clothes off – not because of any false morality thing, but because, without clothes, I feel naked! Nothing to see here, folks – really, nothing.
But I’m glad you’re reading, I am grateful for your comment, and now that you’re no longer a lurker, I hope you feel free to join the conversation any time. Welcome!
I don’t use the argument, because the argument is really “I’m just like you, except…”
The “except” is the difference from whatever “normal” is defined as. Those who’d deny civil rights to any population of people are focusing on that characteristic that generates the “except” the argument in the first place; what creates the basis for the “No, you’re not like me” approach to a minority population.
For me, I’ve taken the point of view of embracing diversity. I highlight commonalities with others, but don’t try to say “I’m just like you.” I’m not — everyone is on some level unique, and instead of using our commonalities to say “I’m just like you,” my argument is “I’m similar and different than you, but we’re both just as human. Civil rights are human rights, and I believe that as humans we live up to our potential best when we look for the humanity in others — when we respect and treat others as we’d like to be respected and treated.”
Sorry, Autumn, this comment went into spam for some reason and I just noticed it and retrieved it. Thanks for commenting!
Great blog! When I hear “We’re just like you!” in the context of a marginalized group to the dominant culture, I hear soothing behavior. I hear words that express the denial of the great diversity that we humans come in. I don’t use this phrase while asking for my rights. I am a unique human being who happens to be white, a senior, blind, trans, redheaded (and so is my dog!). Yes, I, too share the same things as most humans in the fact that I need to eat, sleep, etc. I also have feelings and emotions – something we humans all share. What differs is the specifics of thease things.
Yes, I am unemployed in not having a paid job due to marginalization for being blind, trans, and “old” but I do have a full and valuable life where I give back with my volunteer jobs. The animals I work with or the disavbled or old people I work with don’t care if I’m blind and trans – they care that I CARE to bring an hour of joy to their lives. I celebrate diversity in all of us.
Thanks Renee for the comment above, about another meaning “just like you” can take on…
I am not “just like [them]” – and I have a right to exist in a way that is not like theirs. My way of being is just as valid. Besides, most of them are cissexist, or else they wouldn’t need to be placated with claims I am just like them. So, why would I want to be like that?
Renee is fantastic. I highly recommend her blog, Womanist Musings. I used to guest post over there and then ran out of time to continue, but there is always something valuable on this blog and I hope that my readers will become regular readers of Renee’s blog also.
What Lyn said really spoke to me:
Also, this “argument” reminds me of the “born this way” argument. My answer is: who cares? The logic is flawed from the very question itself. Does it matter if I was born this way, or am just like you, or have a valid religious/scientific argument to justify my existence, or [insert another excuse here], for me to have basic human rights, and be treated with respect and dignity?
I totally agree with this. I hate the “born this way” argument, because it is similar to the “I had no choice” argument, which indicates that, given a choice, I would be a different way. Some trans people would choose not to be trans if they could, but others would not.
And in my mind, the argument “It’s not my fault. I had no choice” assumes that 1) we don’t have the ability to make decisions about ourselves and our lives; 2) being trans is a bad thing that obviously no one would choose; and 3) we have no power. If there’s no choice, then there’s no power, even with regard to our own body and life. I hate the “no choice” argument, because I don’t want anyone to take away my ability or my power to choose what’s right for me and my life.
This seems related to the fact that people assume that because I’m trans, I represent the entire population of trans people.
As someone from the “mainstream” … white, female, straight, early 30′s … I can say I very rarely feel I am part of the “you” that the media and the general population represents. I don’t feel a strong connection with the moms in my kid’s playgroups, because they aren’t alone and don’t understand how different my experience is. I know this is true because I have had instant connections with a couple of moms who have the same story of all out abandonment by their child’s father that I have … it is interesting how something like this can make you feel a subset of the mainstream, but it does. It affects your earning potential, financial stability, emotional stability … I think it has had positive effects on my patience levels, my ability to let go of anger … but these are all minor things … the big thing is – this is a major part of my life, and this one detail effects EVERYTHING and makes me feel like I am different.
But, in the grander scheme, I know other people feel the same way. No matter what our station in life, most people wonder if they are doing things right, if they are where they are supposed to be, or why they can’t have more – or something better. We make choices and live with benefits or consequences. I know that for every time I complain that my financial life is a mess, someone else is looking at me saying “You’ve got to be kidding, you go on vacation more than anyone I know.” … I know for every time I worry that someone is judging me because I am a single parent, they might be staring down the path of an ugly divorce.
I guess my point here is, that if anyone looks into their own life, I’m betting the majority of us don’t feel “just like you”. A lot of us pretend it isn’t there, and others embrace it and move forward … Being trans really is a single aspect of your life – even if it effects every moment of your day and every step you take. We are all still human beings. As it turns out, you are probably just like me and everybody else in more ways than you are not …
Although I could, at times, pass for a member of the American majority– light skin, able-bodied, English as First Language, US citizen, etc– I am not, as a transman of working-class, Appalachian, and Cherokee heritage. I am not ‘just like’ you, and you are not ‘just like’ me– One Ganymede is quite enough for the world, thank you. If we were ‘just like’ each other, how could we learn from one another? How could we grow and connect and evolve? We could not. It would be like talking into a mirror.
Also, as dentedbluemercedes said, “The impulse to assert “we’re just like you” is why trans people are way behind the LG(B) in several respects, and a large part of why people see umbrella activism or divisive fighting as the only two options.” — This is a large reason why I do not like the ‘just like you’ argument– it was how LGB folks got homosexuality out of the DSM and GID into it; because, usually, if Person A is ‘just like’ Person B, there is an unspoken Person C, D, … that they are decidedly ‘not just like.’ I would rather dispense with categories than seek inclusion within them, because categories need definitions, and definitions specify what is and what is not, and there will always be someone left outside. Maybe this is why I am drawn to ‘queer’ as a sexual orientation signifier– though, of course, it is a contestable term itself. Language is problematic, isn’t it.
Matt,
I enjoy your blog and always read it, and will continue to use it in the magazine i edit for the NSW Gender Centre (Sydney, Australia), with your permission and with full attribution. But I think you are indeed being influenced by your personal situation. There are many countries where being white is not the norm, just as there are many countries where Christianity is not the accepted religion.
I simplify matters for myself by quoting Justice Learned Hand (or Oliver Wendell Holmes, I’ve seen it attributed to both) who asserted “Your right to swing your arm stops just short of my nose!”. I don’t care much what people do, think or say, as long as their actions, thoughts or statements do no harm. I don’t care in the least whether I am “just like” others. I’m not and wouldn’t want to be. I have things in common and where there is no consonance at all.
I am also fairly hard-nosed about language. While recognising that language evolves, I see no reason to accept all changes or go along with imprecision. Normal has a simple meaning. It is one of the measures of central tendency, the one where all cases are summed and divided by the number of cases … in other words, the average or mean (as opposed to the median or the code). So, no, I am not normal, since nobody is, and yes, everything that happens in nature is natural. On the other hand, in mathematics “normal” means at right angles to something else, which does make it somewhat different…
I got into trouble recently when I said in a public talk that there is no such thing as racism. There is tribalism, nationalism, religion, politics, skin-colour, and many other causes for bigotry but there is only one human race. I went on to say that if we recognised this and tried to help those parts of the human race who lack high standards of health,education and welfare, we might eventually have a just society instead of just a society. Unfortunately many of audience had shut down their tiny minds after my initial statement, although none had the gumption to challenge it at question time so I still have to put out brushfires from time to time.
Sorry to have been prolix.
Katherine Cummings
I believe that I am always influenced, to a degree, by my personal situation. I’m pretty aware that in more countries than not, being white is not the norm. It’s not even the norm in my neighborhood. But in the U.S., it confers a certain privilege that is not warranted, but that is there nonetheless, and hopefully that will change as the makeup of the population continues to shift in the twenty-first century. I’m afraid that I won’t be alive to see the power shifts that I hope will one day happen as a result.
As far as Christianity is concerned, it’s not the norm in most parts of the world, as far as I am aware. I’m not Christian, and I wasn’t raised in a Christian home, so I don’t feel particularly influenced by it, but I believe that it has a strong influence in my culture. Religion of one type or another has a strong influence in many (or most) cultures. I’m not sure how that will change in the future. As with everything, it will probably go in waves.
Don’t worry about being prolix – you can say as much as you want here!
I got into trouble recently when I said in a public talk that there is no such thing as racism. There is tribalism, nationalism, religion, politics, skin-colour, and many other causes for bigotry but there is only one human race. I went on to say that if we recognised this and tried to help those parts of the human race who lack high standards of health,education and welfare, we might eventually have a just society instead of just a society. Unfortunately many of audience had shut down their tiny minds after my initial statement, although none had the gumption to challenge it at question time so I still have to put out brushfires from time to time.
Sorry for the derail Matt but I just have to say this.
First the more accurate statement is that race is a social construction. There can be no doubt that we are all technically one race but your statement negates the discourse into which we are all born. To be more precise, what you should have said is that we are all raced, because what tends to happen is that race is something that is aimed specifically at POC whereas Whiteness is not understood to be a race.
It’s not as simple as saying racism does not exist. We all know that POC are attacked on a daily basis because of our current construction of race and I can see why everyone shut down when you were speaking. While your point was good, it also went a long way to shutting down conversation, rather than expanding it.