A reader writes: “I am avidly following your posts about how the T relates to the rest of the acronym. I’d like to bring up the A (or one of the A’s, as the case may be). Many people in the Queer community tend to alienate our Allies. I think this is abhorrent.
“I have seen cis allies of trans people get called out harshly simply because they didn’t know all of the proper terminology. I believe in education, but taking such a teaching moment and turning it into a bashing session is unacceptable. How do we as trans people (or queer people in general) help our allies? How do we help them learn and grow and support us how we need? How to we defend them from those who would rather not have them at all?”
This is a great question that I think will get a lot of varying responses from readers. I am of two minds regarding the education and support of our allies, and both of those minds get to say their piece in response.
First of all, I believe that we absolutely need allies, and this is not because we can’t get things done ourselves. Allies bring a different set of ideas, experiences, and viewpoints to the table. Allies can help educate those who would otherwise simply dismiss us. Allies can help turn the tide for those who are in the “teachable middle” – those non-trans people who aren’t sure how they feel about us or who don’t think they have to feel any way at all.
In addition, allies add numbers to our support base, and I believe that, the bigger the support base, the more clout we have, politically and otherwise. Allies are invaluable in any social or political movement, and I would hard-pressed to come up with a reason why we would not want them, although I’m sure someone has other thoughts on this.
I have seen allies torn to shreds over a simple misstep or slip of the tongue. I have seen allies dismissed out of hand because they asked a simple question, made an innocent assumption, or misunderstood what someone was talking about. I have seen them belittled or mocked for not knowing everything there is to know about one person’s trans experience (because not everyone’s experience is the same). This is unfortunate, because allies don’t have to stick around.
They can decide that the support they have to offer is not worth the grief they have to take for making a simple mistake or for trying to learn more. And they can let other people know, as well. So the minor offense has now turned into a pretty big deal for an ally who, in most cases, has other things to do with his or her time.
That said, I know that we get tired of educating. I know that it’s not our job to do so unless we so choose. And I believe that sincere and committed allies will not sit back with their arms crossed and say, “I don’t have time to do any self-education. It’s easier if I just sit here and you tell me everything.”
People who sincerely want to be allies to any particular group will do what they can to learn about that group – through books, films, websites, blogs, conferences, lectures, classes, and in myriad other ways. However, they can’t do all this at once and still have a life, so self-education takes time – years, sometimes, or even decades. In addition, if you decide to read ten books by ten different trans authors, you will get ten different situations, ten different histories, and maybe even ten different vocabulary terms for one concept.
And things change – language changes, what is acceptable changes, what is offensive and what is not changes. If you read Just Add Hormones, you will see that I use the term “transgendered” throughout. When I wrote the book, that was not considered an offensive term (at least not in my region and my social and political groups). It was, in fact, the standard (at least in my region and my social and political groups).
It is still my preferred term, but I no longer use it because so many others find it offensive. But if a would-be ally reads that book today, that person would have no way of knowing that the word has become offensive. And even if a person does not read that book, an English speaker who is aware that people are gendered might logically assume that people are transgendered. It’s an honest mistake, but I have seen allies verbally brutalized for using it (I have also been verbally brutalized for using it during the “changeover period” when it was going from being acceptable to offensive).
That is but one example. So while I completely understand the argument that true allies have a responsibility to educate themselves (and I agree), and while I completely understand the argument that we as trans people should not have to answer every little question we are asked or start at square one over and over again so that allies who are just testing the waters do not have to exert any effort on their own (and I agree), I also think that we need to cut genuine allies some slack.
There are some things that we can’t even agree on within our own community, so our expectations of others have to be realistic. I think that what we can do to nurture and respect allies is to welcome them into our spaces, gently correct any unintentional faux pas, answer questions when we feel like answering, and direct them to other information sources when we don’t.
I think we can treat them as we hope to be treated when we act as allies for other groups of which we are not members. We think about what we might want from those groups that would help us as allies, and then we turn around and do the same for our own.
We need only to look at some of our own personal attempts to be an ally to see how easy it is to screw things up. We all make mistakes, so we need to be kind, because a good ally is often hard to find.
Readers, what do you think?
I agree that allies are definitely important. There’s a few issues I’ve encountered with SOME (note: NOT ALL) of the “allies” I have tried to work with. Sometimes, allies are good until they dislike one member of the community or get in a fight, and then they pull out the transgender thing as a low blow. Sometimes, there are “allies” that are arrogant and don’t want to learn. And sometimes, it’s nice to not have allies in a space. Not because they aren’t wonderful and fantastic, but because they can change the dynamic of the space. They have a privilege I do not, and they are probably basing thoughts on my community on me. That can be a lot of pressure to live up to. And if they are really good allies, they shouldn’t do that and so on and so forth, but it still happens. Sometimes it’s just nice to have a place to not have to worry about education or being different.
So in my experience, it has nothing to do with the fault of the good allies, but simply that there are too many people that have falsely declared themselves allies. Sort of a, and this is why we can’t have nice things.
On “Sometimes, allies are good until they dislike one member of the community or get in a fight, and then they pull out the transgender thing as a low blow.”
I see slurs thrown around a lot that way. Somebody’s all great, going through the motions, suddenly they find somebody they don’t like or don’t agree with, and they start throwing around “tranny” or “dickless” or something as if their prior acts mean they have a pass on that sort of thing.
I will agree that being rough, mean, and nasty will allies (or anybody) usually gets us nowhere. When I see it get rough is when “allies” and others continually misgender without really putting an effort forth to do it right, use words like “tranny,” and so on. Getting all pissy about things like “transgendered” rather than “transgender” is something I only really see from thick radicals at this point, and they’re the same people who get angry when people don’t use their preferred niche language regardless of how standard it is everywhere else.
I know it’s a regional and community thing, but when I’ve seen people complain that LGBT people are treating allies badly, it is hands-down because the allies felt entitled to expect things they had no right to expect and were angry when they didn’t get their wishes granted.
For example, I was involved with a political group and a social group, and allies would come to the latter and get angry that no political things were being done and they had to (gasp) deal with gay people acting gay. For a while we were trying to come up with a good and less offensive way of telling allies who brought these things up that it was not our problem. It’s really hard to do that because no matter how much you sugar-coat it, people don’t -like- being called out and told that this is a space where their comfort level doesn’t always matter.
Allies have it rough when the wagons circle after something hits the fan. A lot of times, they get pushed away by BOTH sides. The “majority” side for siding with the minority group and then the minority group for not actually being a part of that group.
Well put and interesting perspective.
Interesting blog, Matt. For me, I treat everyone in the manner I wish to be treated. And if I get disrespected, then there’s hell top pay – don’t care who you are. As a blind person, I have always been in the position where I have to constantly be educating sighted people and have ben in this position for 61 years! Guess you’d say I’m used to this dynamic. To Matt and all the other ablebodied and sighted trans people, this is all new to them and you guys aren’t “used to it”. Can allies get obnoxious – absolutely!
As far as language is concerned, I have trouble keeping up with what’s “in” and what’s “out”. With me, I get “blind”, “visually impaired”, “sight impaired”, “sight challenged”, and many more. Some visually impaired throw a hissy fit if someone calls them blind. Some have a hissy fit is I don’t use blind because they think I’m denying my blindness or that I have the audacity to have some remaining vision! All this is PC crap and it puts more barriers between us human beings when we really want to foster respect and understanding.
WE all are products of our society that hates diversity and we are taught to be afraid of people who are different from us be it race, sexual orientations, gender iden tities, religions, etc. We attack what we are afraid of.
I think what we need to do to keep us all sane is to respect each other as human beings. We may need to be firm in our needs but we can do this without treating the other person like crap. We need to stand up for our rights in a way that dosen’t tear down another person. We have to respect oourselves as well. Standing up for ourselves in a respectful manner will eventually cause other people – our allies – how to also respect us and hopefully we can all learn to live life in more harmony than we are now. Life is interesting as a blind trans guy! Because I treat people the way I want to be treated, I don’t have too much trouoble with other people. We need to look at the underlying feeling of others. Using wrong terminology can be done as spite and hate or it can be an honest mistake from a person who really does care. We need to look at the spirit in which people behave towards us and take it from there. I do this myself and have many friends because of it.
Very interesting post. I am an ally. The woman I used to call ‘Dad’ came out to me 4 years ago. At that point my life took on a new direction. I have always been an LGB advocate, but had never encountered the T. Since then, I have done my best to educate myself, and others. I have met amazing people in the T community, and some not so amazing. I have been told I was not allowed to call myself an ally, I was not allowed to be a part of the community, and how dare I assume that anyone in the T community would want me there.
It was and continues to be incredibly hurtful to hear these comments.
I will continue to learn, I will continue to advocate for all people, cis, LGBTQQ etc. I will attend the rallies, write to my members of parliment, and attend social events, because it is who I am, and I am an ally!!!!!
Christa! *waves* You’re a fierce ally, hon, don’t let nobody tell you different!
muwah! love ya Dude!
Allies are pretty fantastic
. We like having you around. Sorry you’ve had to deal with a lot of the bitterness that goes on.
Like everyone else, allies come in all shapes and sizes.
I’ve known LGB people who are the worst T allies. I’ve known staunch supporters who would stand up for me no matter what, but are clueless when it comes to terminology and understanding concepts (namely, my dad
). And I’ve known straight cis allies who feel closer and more at home in their allied community (LGBT in this case) than any other community they “should/could” belong to.
And what constitutes being an ally also varies widely. It can be someone who simply calls out disparaging remarks, or someone who goes to rallies and marches, a lawyer advocating for your legal gender change, or family or friends who just love you no matter what.
Okay.
How many times should we calmly explain in a normal tone these concepts to cis people, “allies,” who quietly pretend to listen and then go on to disregard what we said, and continue saying and doing the same hurtful things we tried to gently call them out on before, before it’s okay to get angry? I am not talking about you educate one person, educate a second person, and then get mad at a third separate person – but the same person. When does it become apparent that they don’t really care enough to legitimately try and are just in it for their own image as a good liberal or whatever?
i think it totally depends on the individuals involved.
for example, my mom has been misgendering me for years. i keep correcting her and she keeps apologizing– and doing it again! thing is, i know she means well; her memory is shit and i know she tries to understand and i know she tries to remember. in my mom’s case, cuz i think she’s really trying (and failing), i have infinite patience. she’s never obnoxious about it and i know she’ll get it right eventually.
but sometimes “allies” don’t even try– and it’s often quite apparent. when i realize that someone is just playing ally to be “a good liberal”, i cut them outta my life. i just don’t have time for that shit. i don’t freak out at people over it, but i tell them that i don’t want them in my life anymore and i tell them WHY. i don’t know what else to do.
Yeah, this whole thread got me thinking about people in our lives who have no choice but to love us and be allies to at least one trans person (whether they get involved any further than that or not,) and in people who join in discussion and activism (online or not) on a larger scale….
My family might not ever get my name and pronouns right 100% of the time, but that’s not as important to me as them not standing in my way of transition and living my life. Nobody asked them if they wanted this, and they can’t escape me any better than I can escape being trans. Whereas, if an ally in a discussion or activism gets tired, they can walk away and take a break from the trans people in that group…and if someone is just so stubborn they go up in a trans group and keep calling women “he” and men “she” and using misgendering language like that, make excuses without really trying, etc, I don’t think the group should have to put up with that.
And to be honest, it does have a lot to do with how much we love the people who do these things. I am going to give my mom more of a break than someone who is not-my-mom. Same as she can’t get away from me, I can’t get away from her, either, and she’s the only one I’ll ever have. Might not sound fair to someone not-my-mom who I have to cut contact with because I can’t stand them misgendering me anymore, but I think everyone is like that.
There’s another side to that – a cis person’s trans family member might be treating you with more leniency than they would someone who is not-you, and the other trans people might be treating you with less leniency than they would their own family. So, when things are chill between you and your boyfriend, daughter, cousin, friend, but the other trans people seem so mean – it might be because your trans person is sitting on more than they would like to for the sake of keeping peace, or going easy on you because they love you. Just because you get away with the things you do with your trans person doesn’t mean they are acceptable to all trans people, or even your trans person. It’s much harder to call out our own cis people than it is to call out random cis people.
“Just because you get away with the things you do with your trans person doesn’t mean they are acceptable to all trans people, or even your trans person.”
so true, cat. i think lost of allies have trouble with this. you know the allies who are always like, “i’m gonna call you ‘a transgender’ cuz my trans sibling doesn’t mind when i cal them ‘a transgender’.” yeah, shit like that.
on the other hand, i think i’m more understanding with my mom than i am with strangers cuz i know we have time to get it right– unlike strangers who misgender me in the grocery store and on the bus. with them, it’s stand up for myself NOW and get the fuck outta there, ya know?
but, yeah, family is hard. oog.
I usually don’t stand up for myself when strangers misgender me. But then later I’m like, “Man, I shoulda said something, might not have done any good aside from making me feel better, but I’d feel better…”
Most of the situations I’ve seen with “allies” being criticized by trans people involved them somehow either 1) Feeling as if they had a right to use trans experiences and identities as ‘humor’ (ie tranny used as a joke) that’s a very fine line to walk, especially when it’s being done in the name of hipster cred; 2) Speaking out about trans issues in a fairly uninformed way which went well beyond misusing a word or two; 3) Saying something offensive to a trans person and when that was pointed out to them replying: “well, MY trans friends don’t have a problem with it;” 4) Basically telling trans persons “fuck off, I’m an ally whether you understand that or not” (AKA the Susan Sarandon approach) 5) They’re some form of cis-person in the queer community who assumes that identity gives them immediate cache within the trans community. My apologies to the person who wrote the original post, but I think all of those situations deserve to be called out.
Do I think trans people need to be adult and accurate when we criticize those who we think are misrepresenting or disrespecting us… absolutely. But I am reminded of many of the white people in the late 1960s who were flustered because they felt their being ‘allies’ of black people wasn’t somehow appreciated enough and that their efforts to speak for or represent black people were being denigrated by the population they were supporting. Allies of ANY group need to genuinely listen (not speak with entitlement and pretend they’re listening), ACTIVE learning about the group you’re supporting, not assuming ownership of the battles and struggles which aren’t directly about them and understanding that supporting anyone is a sometimes rocky road which you do because it’s the right thing to do and not because of the brownie points you’ll be owed for doing it.
Agreed
.
Many great points in the comments!
One word sums up what is too often missing from my experience with allies: humility. The strangest part of this is that the closer cispeople get and the more they learn about the transgender peoples community, the less humility they seem to have about it.
I think it’s a function of our sound-bite society, people just don’t have the patience to learn. If you can’t teach them a concept inside of five minutes, the eyes glaze over and whatever is left goes in one side and out the other. Dismantling just one hoary cisgender society concept simply doesn’t fit inside five minutes.
Most transgender people spend many, many years coming to term with themselves; why do any allies of transgender people think they can become an authority by attending one lecture or seeing one movie, or even a dozen? And then you want to start telling transpeople what they should tolerate or act like?
This is why i believe GLB folk are no longer of much benefit to the transgender community, that they hinder more than they help. In their proximity, most have lost all humility and are incapable of looking at our issues through our own lens.
That’s probably the greatest rule to being an ally… Stay humble. I think it’s human nature after learning and caring about an issue to want to express your opinion and discuss with like-minded people. However, things learned and studied don’t trump lived experience.
That’s what I try to bear in mind with most interactions. I’m never truly going to KNOW what it feels like to live in another person’s shoes, and pretending that I can through conjecture, empathy and such just fetters my ability to understand a person.
As an ally, that’s probably the most humbling thing to me. I’ll never know what it’s like to be trans. I think some people get caught up thinking this will make them a weaker ally to admit such a thing, or that their efforts to understand have been for naught, but really it’s just keeping yourself honest and open.
Agreed!
word. like when stan says to token, “i finally get it; i don’t get it!” (south park reference. sorry, lovelies.)
i think allies need to be able to LEARN like crazy cuz the language is always changing, ideas are always changing, and they (allies) aren’t quite in the heat of things. so, yeah, i totally concur that humbleness is the first sign of a real ally. humbleness and a sincere love of learning.
i love my allies! yay!
“i think allies need to be able to LEARN like crazy cuz the language is always changing, ideas are always changing, and they (allies) aren’t quite in the heat of things.”
I know. Just when I get my mom to understand why FAAB is better than “born a girl,” I learn that FAAB is appropriated from intersex people and their experiences. Now I have to tell her, “Oops….we were wrong!” But I think I’ll hold out until we come up with a good replacement and there’s general agreement….
“…FAAB is appropriated from intersex people…”
really?! ack. i, uh, didn’t know that. what about CAFAB? we really need a way to describe this shit and “female-bodied” doesn’t work. back to the proverbial drawing board…
Yeah, that’s what I been hearing from the trans peeps on Tumblr. It’s the “assigned” part – because that’s what the surgeons call it when they do surgery on intersex babies. So I don’t know if CAFAB is any better. Some people were saying to replace “assigned” with “designated”, and that might be better. I am thinking that might be what I go with till something better or something more established comes along.
To the folks who posted comments after mine: Thosse “allies” aren’t really alies! The ones who are totally disrespectful, that is. they’re being assholes!!! That’s what I meant when I talked about the spirit in which people offer support or asking questions. To me, if a person seems to never “get it” and still act like an asshole to you, they aren’t really an ally. If that person is supposed to be a friend or is a family member or coworker, then you will have to tell them that you will have to part company with them until they learn to RESPECT you. Who needs that crap and we do have the right to be angry with the folks like that.
Christa Cox, try not to feel too disalusioned with some of the trans people who didn’t appreciate you as an ally. I have seen this in the 1970s and 1980s lesbian-feminist circles when they hated and were nasty to straight women. I’ve heard of this happening to whites who wanted to be supportive of blacks. There are really times when an oppressed group – trans people, women, blacks – need to be only with their own without any outsiders present. I think this is what motivates the trans people who were nasty to you. I have needed alone time with just other blind folks at times as well.
In my FTMI group here, we have two meetings a month. One is with just the trans guys and the other is both trans people and allies, friends, family meeting together. At the first meeting when we trans guys are alone, the supportive allies meet seperately during the same time our grouop meets in another room at our LGBT center. This way we get to discuss stuff that we are uncomfortable in talking about in front of women or non-trans people in general. The SOFFAs also need the time to talk among themselves to educate each other about the guys they love and what problems they have and feelings about being with a trans guy. Seperate spaces are needed and together space is also needed. But, bottom line, we all need to respect each other as human beings. Christa, I hope you understand what I’m saying. Thank you for being a friend to our community and don’t give up. Everyone is dealing with all kinds of emotions and hurts over our lifetimes and sometimes it comes out badly.
Part of why the lesbians were nasty to straight women was because of a lot of crap that they had to face in those circles before. Sort of a once burned twice shy idea. The same goes for why trans people are reluctant to trust allies sometimes.
Thanks, I definitely understand the need for seperate spaces, completely. The social functions I have attended have been open to both cis and trans peeps, I recently joined PFLAG in my community too.
I figure if I have to earn my stripes as an ally (so to speak) then I have and will continue to do that, regardless of what others may say or feel. I am by no means an expert, nor do I purport to be one, I never could be, how could anyone cis be an expert on the trans experience?
Thanks to you all who have acknowledged Allies within the community, believe it or not, it’s tough for us too. Walking into an event as the minority, getting the glares and stares..kinda sucky. I’m sure it pales in comparison to what many people go through daily…just that little dose keeps me humbled.
Cheers,
Christa
I’m the partner of a (fairly newly out) transguy and just reading this post and subsequent comments was/were exhausting. I’m doomed to make mistakes, have zero clue what the problem with transgendered/transgender is and can’t help thinking, “Why get involved at all if I’m going to be chastized and thought of as an asshole?” Maybe I should just stay home, love my man and let that be the extent of my involvement in “the community.”
I honestly don’t even know where to move next.
Don’t stay home, get out, there are more wonderful people within the community than not.
People will help you to understand.
this stuff is kinda complex and totally fluid; we ALL make mistakes. i alienate/exclude/insult people by accident on my blog all the time; i apologize, learn from the experience, and try to do better next time. trans people get this stuff wrong, too and most of us know that.
as long as you’re sincerely supportive and as long as you want to learn (meaning, check your privilege), i think you’re being a rad ally. seriously. don’t be afraid! i’m sending you rainbows with my brain, k? friendly rainbows…
cuz, well, you seem sincere and kind. you had me at “…love my man…”; so lovely.
@ NG Midwife. Relax, no one will expect you to get ahead of a curve you didn’t even anticipate. I mean gosh, I didn’t even slap my boyfriend until at least his third mistake.
I really think we shot ourselves in the foot deciding “transgender” was the right word, because to anyone who doesn’t know the long, convoluted internet history it sounds like a noun, and so it gets used as one. /rant
I think it depends a lot on the forum. I see a lot more language-centered (rather than concept-centered) discussions at larger gatherings, at political gatherings without concrete purposes or in general whenever people are basically bored. It’s a form of cheap signalling, instead of the expensive signaling of doing long-term work with people in close quarters. As long as we are working together towards some common goal or in a small enough group that we’re all collaborating on a knowledge base those things aren’t disruptive. “Hey, so you know that word’s ideal: it suggests X, Y and Z, while we’re trying to express Epsilon.” “Thanks,” and we move on.
I also find that it can be more difficult in between the binaries because what “supportive” looks like for an individual is basically individual. Again, in small groups this isn’t an issue, but in large spaces, with strangers, it can be difficult for us to keep track of everything.
I read a book called Hero Stories recently that talks about finding stories to tell ourselves about the people around us that are most helpful. I think often we tell ourselves stories based on generalizations about everyone in the world and our own anxieties, and then project that over-determined mess on to the person in front of us who said something we perceive as denying everything about us. It’s part of why I like the biological explanation for gender perception: keeping in mind that some people are wrestling to overcome neurological programming and are willing to do so out of respect for me, has helped me be a lot more compassionate to the people around me.
I notice we are often more forgiving to each other. Maybe because we expect cis people to mess up we give them less slack when they do.
I’m a cis-woman and I try to be an ally, but I understand that every transgender person has the right to decide for themselves whether I am, so I would not ever tell someone I’m their ally, if that makes sense, because that would be arrogant. I think if you want to be an ally for any particular group of people, you understand that every person within that group is an individual and you never judge the group by the individual. Some people are rude, etc., transgender people included. If you’re going to let that get in the way of your advocacy, then you are not an ally, you are looking for some kind of dysfunctional reward from a disempowered group–i.e., you’re taking while you claim to be giving. There may be some room for extra patience on the part of transgender people (or allies) to educate, etc., but no one should feel the responsibility to take this on. The older I get, the more I think bigoted behavior is driven by social acceptance rather than ignorance. People will exclude and ridicule anyone they see as different if they believe they can get away with doing so, and decent people need to stand up to this no matter who the target is. Thanks for your blog and writing.
Hey Jennifer, I think you’ve said something really important here. Telling people you’re an ally means squat. Walking the walk (eg listening, learning, genuine dialog and not feeling entitled to speak for the group) SHOWS you’re an ally. That’s a huge difference. I really like what you’ve written here.
I agree with you about a lot of that, but I think that ally can often just be a pithy term to say that I’m down with those guys. Like… Maybe you call yourself an ally around people who aren’t members of the community so that they know that they shouldn’t be jerks to that group while you are out and about, but maybe not necessarily declare yourself an ally when you are around members of that community. Or maybe just have something like ally in progress. Wanting to be an ally, but making it known that you still have lots to learn.
Do you know how incredibly difficult… and even insulting… it is to insist someone who’s sympathetic to The Cause *not* call themselves allies? That creating yet another niche -”ally-in-progress”- makes yet another step of other?
Why would The Community want to make it even more difficult for us/allies to be supportive and advocative?
The symantics really can be annoying.
*semantics
Navelgazer, why is a sooo bloody important for you to call yourself an ally? BE supportive of the trans community, truly listen, make the effort to learn about us and be by our side in our struggles, by all means (much appreciated). But being defensive because many of us are burnt-out by having self-described ‘allies’ turn around and bite us in the rear means you need to re-read this post and the comments with a clear mind. While I’m happy to see there are a lot of support groups for cis-women involved with trans guys on YouTube (and I wish the same could be said for cis-men involved with trans women) I’ve also seen a lot of women on those groups make pretty ignorant pronouncements about trans issues and prove they have little connection to the trans community/history/struggle much beyond the cozy confines of their relationships. Love is great, being supportive of one’s partner is wonderful, but it doesn’t give you an instant “I’m a member” button. And guess what… we’re all of us “in-progress” so, yes, you’re a part of that club.
personally, i’m willing to call anyone who’s supportive, open-minded, and who checks their privilege “ally”– regardless of how much they know. cuz, yeah, we’re all “in-progress”. i’m trans and i get the feeling that i’ll be “in-progress” til i die.
Allies, no matter how sympathetic or advocative, will never have to live with the same amount of discrimination and lack of privilege. They can still face some of the same stuff that we do, but they can always turn their back and reclaim their own privilege. If they get tired one day, they can ignore it. We don’t have that privilege. So sympathy for the flack you take when you stand up for one of us, but… Allyship is a privilege, not a right.
And I’m not suggesting someone NOT call themselves an ally. I’m saying that allies need to be aware of the space that they take up. In a predominantly trans space, cis allies are helpful, yes. But in that space, they need to take a step back. It isn’t their space. That is more of what I meant.
“If you’re going to let that get in the way of your advocacy, then you are not an ally, you are looking for some kind of dysfunctional reward from a disempowered group–i.e., you’re taking while you claim to be giving.”
YES. THIS.
Allies are a good support system and great to have around. We own our allies some answering if we want them to behave the way it is supposed to. I don’t think they have to fight our issues, understanding them and be there for us it’s plenty on my account. In the same way we own them the support given and the understanding they deserve. If we go by life expecting from others without giving back we aren’t worse of having friends /allies. It is all the way our parents told us way back when. Regardless what gender/sexuality we may be. We shall treat people the way we want to be treated.
“And things change – language changes, what is acceptable changes, what is offensive and what is not changes. If you read Just Add Hormones, you will see that I use the term “transgendered” throughout. When I wrote the book, that was not considered an offensive term (at least not in my region and my social and political groups). It was, in fact, the standard (at least in my region and my social and political groups).”
This becomes especially true if people from different generations and different countries are communicating. “Calling out” someone can become as much a display of priviledge as anything else (priviledge of location, better networks, later birth).
The thing with power is that the scales can swing pretty easily, depending on the context.
If I vent my pent up anger at the cis world at large on the next cis person who slips or says something wrong, well basically I’m taking revenge. It happens, but it’s not “education” or “politics”.
Two thoughts.
One, I distrust anyone who outright tells me that they’re an ally. By telling me that they’re an ally to me, they are not allowing me to make the decision – they are making it for me. And if I don’t treat them like a proper ally, ie. trust them, then I become the mean one. It creates a space in which I feel coerced to trust them and it gives them permission to speak on my behalf – both of which I do not want. If you would genuinely like to thought of as an ally, the best way is to show that you are one, not tell people that you are one.
Two, when a trans person, in no uncertain terms, tells a cis person that they need to back off, shut up, or take a seat, it is coming from a place of anger. Perhaps the cis person needs to put their needs second, try to hear the words that are being spoken before tuning out because the tone was off. This is when allies mess up the most, in my opinion. If a trans person is speaking to you out of anger, you need to listen. If it makes you uncomfortable, well, then good. Being a good ally means not prioritizing your comfort over the needs of the trans person. It means sticking around despite the difficulties and misunderstandings.
So what I am garnering from your post, and many other comments is that, I am not allowed to call myself an ally; it is up to each individual transperson to decide if I am worthy enough to be called an ally.
If one person decides that I am an ally, it is specifically on their terms. I am ok for some things, but not others. It is ok for someone within the community to be rude to me for having a different opinion, and I should just sit back, listen and accept what they are saying as the truth and the only truth?
It is ok for transpeople to make me as uncomfortable as many cis people make trans folk feel, because I am one of ‘them’ and therefore should be treated as less.
I am allowed to be political on your behalf..because numbers count then, but for everything else…not so much?
See, I’m just trying to get a handle on stuff here…
“It is ok for transpeople to make me as uncomfortable as many cis people make trans folk feel, because I am one of ‘them’ and therefore should be treated as less.”
Trans people can NEVER make you feel as uncomfortable as cis people make trans people feel. Never. It’s not possible.
You want to come into trans circles, have “a different opinion” – (what might that “different opinion” be?) – and your “different opinion” *about us* is supposed to carry the same weight *in our spaces* as our own opinions about ourselves? Your “truth” about who/what we are and how we should go about our lives and our activism are equal to our “truths”? Is that really how you think it should be? And….you have no idea why trans people might be rude to you when you do this?
Dude,
If you had read any of my previous comments you would know that I would never and could never imagine what it is like to be trans. I’m not an idiot.
My opinion on trans issues aren’t important, unless of course they bring voters to the stations…
I’m not saying that what I feel, think, or do, is equal to any trans individual out there, not at all. Again, read my previous statements.
Your truths are valid, and unfortunately many cis people don’t agree with that, what I am concerned with is the trans community that bash cis people who do things to help validate YOUR truths.
Basically, what I am reading is of two threads, firstly – YAY Allies, you guys rock and we need you. The second is – Allies are not allies unless we say you are an ally, and that ‘ally-ship’ depends on each person, regardless of any of my efforts, life story, or advocasy…
I am just trying to figure it out…I’m not trying to start a war of words or anything else…I’m trying to get a handle on where the lines are drawn in the sand.
“It is ok for someone within the community to be rude to me for having a different opinion, and I should just sit back, listen and accept what they are saying as the truth and the only truth?”
If you are trying to validate trans people’s truths, why would you “have a different opinion”? (I can see how that could be a positive thing, if the trans person you were arguing with was saying something transphobic, but usually when a cis person has a “different opinion” than a trans person over some trans issue, it’s the other way around. Not saying always.) How can you have a different opinion other than “your truth is wrong” if you believe what they are saying to you? I know trans people disagree with each other. We fight. But when a cis person fights with us over these things, it is different, because cis people have always set the terms we have to live by (and outside of.) Yes, you might “have a trans friend who agrees with” you on some point of contention, but a cis person arguing with us over our shit is different than us arguing with each other about it.
For example, a cis person can only say, “I’m sorry, but you are biologically female,” so many times before I cease wanting to talk to them anymore. Do other trans people use that terminology to describe themselves? Yeah. Do some trans people not mind if you use that terminology for them? Sure. But if you’ve met me, talked to me about this before, and I’ve said, “Please don’t do that, it makes me dysphoric,” and even explained why it’s not as objective as people say, and yet you continue to say it to me because it’s your “opinion”….you see what I’m saying?
And yeah, I do think we have the right to say “X is not an ally” when the person we are saying about has proven that they are not actually an ally. If anyone can claim to be an ally, then people can come into our spaces and do whatever they want. We’d be unable to remove harmful people from our circles if we weren’t able to decide who was genuinely there to help us or not, or even whether they were actively harming us or not.
Maybe you aren’t the kind of person who would do that, but you have to understand, *we don’t know that*. We have to wary around you at first. Any cis person, even those who know and love a trans person. Not because we are paranoid or bad, or not because you’re bad, but because experience has taught us that we have to. You have to prove us wrong. Not because of anything you’ve done, but that’s how oppression works on privileged people. You know “The Patriarchy hurts men, too!”? Well, transphobia hurts cis people, too.
Some of the commenters above said that they automatically mistrust someone who says, “I am an ally.” It’s not because they are big meanies who don’t want support. It’s because their experience has shown how self-proclaimed allies tend to be. It’s safer for us to assume such a person isn’t safe, because if we trust every time, and get injured the majority of them, when are we supposed to stop? In order to survive, we can’t be vulnerable and assume the best first. Even if we don’t assume the worst, we have to be very, very careful, and not expect much.
If you want to tip off trans people that you are a genuine ally, then not calling yourself one might be a good way to start. Not because of anything lacking in your effort, but because so many of us have come to hear that as a keyword for, “This is really about me,” (among other things). It might be painful to give up that word, but when you say it to us, this is how it sounds. We can’t help it. We can’t make you stop using it, but we can’t help how it sounds to us, either.
Agreed. FINALLY a comment that doesn’t make me feel like I’m some asshat.
Truthfully, I am still a tad upset. I totally get it, ally-ship has to be on individuals terms. Makes sense now,
See the thing is, if I go to one of our groups shouting about all the shit I’ve done, gone to a rally at the university, emailed my members of parliament, participated in Trans Day of Remembrance…then people distrust me, obviously I have an ulterior motive…If I go in not saying a word, it is assumed I do nothing…
In the last week there has been dissension within one of our social circles, there were threats made and sides were taken. Am I to sit back, not comment when one of my friends is being threatened because I am cis? Am I not allowed to have an opinion? This was quite serious and thankfully the police are involved. (We have an amazing diversity officer who actually attends the social functions).
I truly do understand what you are saying “once bitten, twice shy” and it’s a principal I also follow.
I just have to wonder, for a community who is so disenfranchised, so under represented, and so oppressed, why when ppl are really making an effort, is there still an issue?
The community want us cis ppl around when it is most convenient for them, but that seems to be the only clear term.
Thank you for your positive post, I have and will take it to heart. I can’t promise I won’t call myself and ally, because where I live, within my community, my friends do consider me one. But when it comes to public forums, you can bet I sure as hell won’t.
I’m done with this, I hope that in your lives, you all find genuine, amazing cis ppl who do have your best interest in their heart. I will continue fighting for your rights, as well as the rights of all people.
Cheers,
C.
“if I go to one of our groups shouting about all the shit I’ve done, gone to a rally at the university, emailed my members of parliament, participated in Trans Day of Remembrance…then people distrust me, obviously I have an ulterior motive…If I go in not saying a word, it is assumed I do nothing…”
sometimes you’ll get rewarded for what you do. Sometimes you won’t. But work is work, and sometimes you might ask yourself why you’re doing a thankless job if you don’t get recognition for it, and you don’t get anything out of it personally, since you aren’t trans.
BUT you don’t have to do it all the time. You don’t have write every letter it crosses your mind to. You don’t have to go to every event. A good many of us count allies as people who simply support us and don’t get in our way. Believe it or not, it takes a lot of work just to do that. Cis people have to actively work to not be transphobic in this society.
So, if you get tired, think about writing a letter, but then don’t, because you’re burned out, and not even sure that anyone will notice your effort…don’t. People get tired. If some trans group you’re going to is having a meeting, and you just don’t feel like traveling to get there, or don’t feel like engaging in political discussions that day – then don’t. You’re not the only person who didn’t show up. There are probably trans people who miss the same group because they don’t want to deal with it that day.
Is ally a synonym for activist? I don’t think so, but even if you do, what is the definition of an activist? Does online count? How many things do you have to do to prove your activism? See what I mean?
It’s not about trying so hard with works to prove yourself.
Um, intersectionality comes into play here. I’ve seen privilege trans people rip into people because those people are the sort of people they’ve dumped on their entire lives: it is not fair to make generalizations or play oppression olympics here.
Standards of behavior apply to EVERYONE. Yes, people need to check their defensive reactions, but that is true on both sides. Yes, anger is a legitimate response, but it is not an excuse to harass or abuse the people around you. It is the responsibility of everyone to remain in control of their anger, or withdraw from a situation.
I’m so tired of people making excuses for treating people like shit. If you want exclusive spaces, say so and find those spaces. Snark comes from a lack of empathy, and just because anger is justified doesn’t give one a carte blanch to act like an asshole.
It’s not “oppression olympics” to say that a trans person can’t make a cis person feel as shitty *about being cis* as a cis person can make a trans person feel *about being trans*. How is that?
“How is that?” – right there in your words “as shitty…as”.
Having read the discussion here it seems that there is a wide variety of experiences going on, just like life. I find that if I expect the best I usually get great stuff. When I expect shitty things to happen – shitty things happen. I don’t expect to be treated like crap and I do my best to not treat people like crap. When my feelings get hurt – that’s mine – not theirs. I allowed my feelings to get hurt. When people screw up because people will, I cut them some slack. No one is perfect. It works for me to focus on what is going right in life.
My point is: A cis person might encounter some nasty things in a trans space when they say the wrong thing, or maybe when they ain’t even really doing much of anything, and a trans person is having a bad day. BUT a cis person does not have to live in a whole world where the system is set up to invalidate them.
When a cis person says something “shitty” (I guess, that’s a bad word, and not appropriate for serious discourse such as this, but I used it, and it fits) – that cis person’s statement to a trans person is backed up by the whole of a society that is oppressive toward trans people. When a trans person says something “shitty” toward a cis person – well, that same society is backing the cis person. If they want to, they can write that trans person off as a “crazy” hothead. They can even write the whole lot of trans people off as “crazy” hot heads. But when they leave the trans space and go out into the world, they don’t have to worry about everyone else being on the side of their attacker. In fact, they can count on everyone else being on their side.
This is not the same thing as demanding perfection from all cis people all the time.
This is the sentence I was originally referring to: “It is ok for transpeople to make me as uncomfortable as many cis people make trans folk feel, because I am one of ‘them’ and therefore should be treated as less.”
I never said, “It’s okay for a trans person to be shitty toward a cis person.”
What I said was: “Trans people can NEVER make you feel as uncomfortable as cis people make trans people feel. Never. It’s not possible.”
Then I clarified that by specifying that a trans person can’t make a cis person feel “as shitty” about their cisness. Because it would be almost impossible to find a cis person who isn’t oppressed along some axis or other.
When a trans person treats a cis person badly, makes them feel “uncomfortable” as the original comment said (which is vague, could refer to being made to feel physically unsafe, could simply refer to one’s cis privilege being exposed to them,) it’s not already part of systemic oppression.
If a white trans person in a trans space starts talking down to a Black ally just because they are used to trampling Black people all their lives, and Black people are easy targets, then that’s a white person being racist against a Black person. It’s not a trans person being “transsexist” against a cis person.
This is not the same thing as saying “Trans people can’t be abusive.”
Part of this is in response to anon’s comment below, but I don’t feel like splitting it in two….
So in other words… if a trans person gets humiliated, discriminated against or abused it’s their fault? This is Oprah-logic at its worst. Yes, how one reacts to things has an impact on the experience, but to hang it all on that is tunnel vision. There is a huge range of how trans persons are treated in this society (some of it is how it intersects other discriminatory factors and sadly, yes, passability… the dirty word) and, please believe me, it’s not all about the positive-negative attitude of the trans person.
Of course it isn’t the victims fault!! And – don’t be a victim. We can choose to walk away any time and any place. This ally or that ally being shitty? They aren’t an ally any more. Ally screws up but is trying? Keep educating. Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Just because someone who is being abused chooses to walk away from what they’re being exposed to doesn’t mean they aren’t a victim. I don’t place negative judgment on the term ‘victim.’ Even if you fight back you can still be victimized nor is being a victim intrinsically passive. That’s an American cultural spin on the term I find really offensive and says more about our discomfort with vulnerability than anything a victim does or doesn’t do.
Nor do I hear anyone saying here that someone who’s supportive screwing up once in a while is so awful or beyond redemption. We’re all flawed people. But that’s not at all the same as that person being defensive behind the shield of “I’m an ally,” literally disregarding the feelings or history of a trans person or feeling entitled to make pronouncements about experiences they haven’t even had.
“Trans people can NEVER make you feel as uncomfortable as cis people make trans people feel. Never. It’s not possible. ”
I’m a trans guy and I think this is not only wrong but outright dangerous. This is ideological thinking. It’s like saying to a young guy: It’s not possible for you to be abused by a woman (mother, partner etc) because of the power dynamics in patriarchal society. Anything you get you deserve.
This happens a lot. It’s basically a mixing up of different levels, the bigger society level and the private one-on-one level.
If we buy into that kind of rigid ideology we give ourselves a free pass of treating other people like shit- something that I don’t believe will help us politically or personally.
I’ve seen trans men abuse their partner, justifying it with that type of ideology, and what some trans women did with male allies wasn’t funny either.
I’ve seen similar ideologically justified abuse in different areas (often feminism) during the last 30 years and I’m just sick of it. It needs to stop.
Yup… I’ve seen some trans people make other trans people feel incredibly shitty (I’m assuming a lot of that behavior comes from their own insecurities about living in cis-society… but who knows). And I’ve known some cis persons who were very empathic, non-defensive, supportive and genuinely eager to learn about trans issues in a very non-judgmental way. Of course, the caring cis person didn’t have to go through what the jerky trans person did. I do think a lot of trans people act out that way against other trans people as a form of PTSD. But for whatever reason, the negative behavior is there.
“Of course, the caring cis person didn’t have to go through what the jerky trans person did.”
This is an awesome point.
While I agree that it looks like a form of PTSD, it doesn’t give them/us the right to traumatize others. Also, it’s just incredibly *stupid* to let them/us traumatize others– it will cause a whole community that is traumatized (including allies)
Also, trans people are just *people*. That means that some trans people were jerks to begin with, or just capable of being jerkes in certain situations like any human being. Some people are hiding behind political stuff and use it as a justification to bully others, just *because they are bullies*, and such small, ghettoized communities allow them some real power. Also, the experience of relative power within a small community might corrupt some (as any power does). We need to confront these problems or we will only harm each other, allies and loved ones included. .
(it’s no different from what other marginalized communities go through, e.g. the prohibition of speaking out against violence in small, tight-knit, non-white communities or lesbian communities etc. This hidden violence/”we are always good because they think we are always bad” syndrome is a after effect of oppression, and that’s why we *have* to stop it. Check out the literature).
I couldn’t have said that better, Christa. Thank you.
Why is this turning into a trans/non-trans “discussion” (read: fight)? Pretty sad.
@Navel: No it isn’t, because I think what Jennifer said was beautiful, perceptive and very supportive. And sad to say, but I think you and Christa kind of aren’t listening to what some of the trans persons are saying here. I know I sure wouldn’t go on a mostly black thread as a white woman and inform them I’m an ally (as though they need to appreciate that), that black people have made me feel ‘less than’ in the past and that they’re somehow too sensitive or touchy about white people trying to help them. (and I’m not making a value comparison between black experiences and trans). I honor persons who are supportive and open to listening and learning from the trans community whether they bother to call themselves allies or not. And I tend to mistrust persons who don’t seem to be listening and learning from us even if they ID themselves as allies.
“If one person decides that I am an ally, it is specifically on their terms.” Yes, individual trans people in the trans community get to decide whether or not you’re an ally. You do not get to decide for all trans people that you are an ally. If you believe that you are allowed to force your ally status on every trans person you meet instead of *showing* them that you are worthy of allyship, you are not being a very good ally.
“I am ok for some things, but not for others.” Yes, sometimes allies have to sit back and listen. Sometimes allies need to let trans people speak for ourselves. There are times that are appropriate for allies to speak and other times when they should sit back and listen. That is a pretty basic How To Be an Ally 101 type of thing.
“It is ok for someone within the community to be rude to me for having a different opinion, and I should just sit back, listen, and accept what they are saying as the truth and the only truth?” Your opinion on issues concerning trans people will never hold the same weight as a trans person’s opinion on those issues. You do not have that lived experience. Their opinion may not be the truth for everyone in the trans community, but it is their truth and you need to realize that your opinion on that does not have equal or greater weight. Contradicting a trans person’s lived experience with your opinion is pretty much the opposite of allyship.
Great comment.
I completely agree with chase’s comment here.
I am taking credit for being the first to say that “I believe that if I keep sweating over the petty things, I may be lubricating a slippery slope for the things that really matter.”
Deanna Hallmark
I am a trans woman and one of the co-founders of a social support group. We WELCOME allies no matter what colour their hair or nail polish. We dont care if they shop at Saks or at Wal Mart. We count in our group membership, as many supporters as trans members. That includes a significant LGB population as well as a hetero and cis population.
Why should I decide who is acceptable as a supporter? What RIGHT do I have to question the depth of their support and committment? I dont care who they are or what they are. If they are willing to walk WITH us in our journey I will proudly hold their hands because they are putting their own personna out there; no different than us and in the face of the same hostile community we face every day.
ANYONE who thinks a supporter is other than that needs to look in a mirror at their own life and prejudices. The last thing our community needs are people within it who are prejudiced. They are not part of the solution to our quest for human rights and equality; they are a part of the problem.
SHAME on you!
None of us are an island and none of our affiliations can function in a vacuum. I am a transsexed person, as well as an ally to other affiliations of which I am not a member. I think there may be a lot of us that are allies to other groups – perhaps we should treat our allies as well as we are treated when we are allies. We all dislike it when we are treated badly by others, and that doesn’t give us the right to treat others badly. If someone wants to be an ally, or declare themselves as an ally – let ‘em. Their actions will speak louder than their words and as individuals we can decide how to proceed based upon that behavior. We are all still learning and growing and changing – every day of our lives. As human beings is may be necessary to give others the slack that we occasionally need.
This has been an interesting (and sometimes emotional) discussion, and I appreciate everyone who has commented.
I personally don’t object to anyone calling him- or herself an ally. I will believe that of a person until or unless I am proven wrong. But it sounds like quite a few people have been burnt by people who they believed to be allies, which is too bad, because it does then give you a reason to be wary.
As someone who has screwed up more than once in my lifetime with my own attempts to be an ally to other groups of which I am not a member, I believe I have to cut people as much slack as I would like to be cut when I mess up.
Luckily, I don’t remember a time when I have felt completely burnt or betrayed by someone I considered to be an ally. I know that I have burnt others in the past as an ally, primarily by not speaking up when I should have. But I will continue to forge ahead and learn from my mistakes, because I believe in the overall importance of human rights, and I believe that we need as many people as possible fighting for those rights for everyone.
I like butting into the conversation on the one hand, but I don’t want to shut it down on the other, so please keep talking, and thank you all.
Thanks for addressing this question, Matt. Your post gave me heart. However, I’ve become a bit disenheartened again by the comments. Perhaps it is because I’ve never been hurt by an ally. I’ve only seen them hurt by the people they are trying to understand and help. I wonder how I can become an ally to allies.
I think the thing to come away with in all of this is, trust is, trans, cis, we’ve all been burnt before, and we’ve all burnt other people, it happens, such is the cauldron of confusion that is life. It’s how you heal that makes the difference.
As for my own story of pain and healing… I spent a number of years intentionally isolating myself because I was burnt by those that I trusted. I hated them for hurting me and I hated myself for being so vulnerable as to need other people. I just totally shut down. Didn’t feel anything emotionally. Sometimes I would intentionally berate myself because feeling hurt hurt less than feeling nothing. Family and friends tried to be there for me, but I pushed them away, not able to trust them.
In desperation, I slowly started opening up to some internet acquaintances, sharing my pain, listening to theirs. Sharing mutual interests and introducing each other to our unique interests. Pretty soon, I’m shocked to realize that I have people I trust and feel close to again. I would do anything I could for them. I grew so close that I started a relationship with one of them, we’re still together to this day, for the last couple years it has been long distance, but thankfully we now share a bed. These people happened to be trans. I’m here in the hopes that the world can change to make my precious friends as happy as they have made me.
Sorry for the rambling response to your post, I intended to be a little more on target, but I think I’ve managed to at least lay bare how I ended up in trans spaces as a cis guy.
I think that sometimes too much is expected from our allies (and I am expecially not fond of the PC police), such as having to known every single offensive term, or uncorrect term, or slipping a word and getting loads of shit for that, etc…
As a non-English native speaker, I know that sometimes I had trouble with correct language, even as a trans male, and had my share of assumptions on their part and unfounded accusations because of it.
The thing is: EXPECIALLY if you’re not an English speaker you need to find stuff in English sometimes because the resources in your native language are just old, sometimes just sightly misleading and sometimes downright wrong (I’ve had a therapist claim that I’d become anorgasmic if I had bottom surgery…), so you need to look up stuff in English if you don’t want to have wrong or outdated info.
The problem is that for a non-English speaker it is really hard to understand why a word might have unfortunate implications, sometimes. And this is true for LGBT people, for OUR people, who seeked out info because they were in desperate need of it, so I can only imagine how it can be for allies who aren’t that well informed to begin with.
The kind of intolerance that is brought upon allies from some people (PC police especially) also hurts OUR people because not everyone always knows the right terms; in my language, the equivalent of “bio male” is only rarely questioned, mostly considered alright to use, while in English-speaking places hells breaks loose everytime somebody dares to use it. I DO know that this is the case, but other trans people that speak my language don’t, so if they were to speak/write in English-speaking places they might get ripped to shreds even if they aren’t allies but instead they are siblings in need.
Some of us NEED the information, and cannot get it because they fear the backlash that they might get just for something that is more akin to a grammar mistake than to any kind of discrimination. That is the damage done by people who care more about your grammar than your message.