A reader writes: “I’m a 48-year-old transguy, and I will finally be able to have chest reconstruction surgery in May. This is a big deal for me for all the usual reasons. It also holds special meaning as a transition point as a parent. While I am a straight, somewhat stereotypical binary-type of guy in a lot of ways, I am also a mom.
“I didn’t come out until two years ago, so I will probably always be ‘mom’ to my two young adult daughters. They seem fairly comfortable in conversation with saying ‘My mom, he …’ and my oldest even explained once to her young goddaughter that ‘most people have girl moms but some people have boy moms.’
“For me, top surgery represents an honoring and a letting go of a part of my body that was very uncomfortable almost all of the time, and that does not fit me at all anymore, but also a part of my body that allowed me to nurse and nurture my daughters. I feel a need to both honor and let go of that part in a meaningful way.
“For me, having the parts that are removed incinerated as medical waste doesn’t seem right. I would like to have it cremated and be able to scatter the ashes. I have heard that people who have to have an amputation will do this, so it should be possible for a transperson to do so. Unfortunately, I have not been able to find anyone who can help me with this. I have made several inquiries but have gotten no response or call back from most, and a nice but puzzled refusal from the one gay-friendly funeral home director I found listed in Arizona.
“Do you have any resources or ideas? I know that transmen as mothers can be an uncomfortable topic for some, and I have tried to be sensitive to that with my wording. I may always wish that I had been able to be a father, but I am very grateful I was able to be a mom. It was the only part of living as a female that ever felt right.”
This is an interesting question, because I have never heard this sentiment expressed before, but I have no doubt that you are not the only one who feels this way. I am not aware of any resources for this. However, I would suggest giving up on the funeral homes and asking your surgeon instead.
When my dad had his gall bladder out, the surgeon wanted to know if he wanted to take home the gallstones! He didn’t, but I am aware of people who have taken home their gallstones, their appendix, and other surgically removed body parts and associated paraphernalia.
I think most people do it as a “war trophy” – they made it through surgery – or as a conversation piece. But maybe some just feel as if they don’t want to give up something that belonged to them so intimately. And in your case, it’s obvious that there is an emotional attachment that you want to honor.
Since you’re having your surgery in May, my guess is that you’ve already chosen your surgeon and had this appointment for quite a while. If you had not already started the process, I would recommend that this be one of the deciding factors when choosing a surgeon. But since it sounds as if you are well on your way, I suggest talking to him or her about this and asking what, if anything, can be done.
With gallstones and other small “items” preserved in a jar, it’s probably a lot easier to offer them up to a patient. We’re talking about a large amount of tissue here, so turning it over to you might be difficult and a health hazard. There are probably laws regarding proper disposal of certain types of tissue. There also might be laws requiring the surgeon to send the tissue to a lab for examination.
But maybe the surgeon could somehow have the tissue, or some of it, cremated (it will probably cost you extra) and turned back over to you. I honestly don’t know, and I hope that we hear from some doctors or other health professionals who will know more about the details of this.
But if this is not possible, let’s look at some other options. What about having a professional photographer photograph your chest (either your chest alone or an upper torso and head shot), so that you have a lasting image of your chest prior to surgery? You could have several beautiful poses done that would always be a nice reminder.
Or what about having a clay or wax representation made of your chest as it is now? An artist could apply the material and mold it to your shape. Then when it is removed, you have a three-dimensional, life-sized representation of your chest. You could even display it in your home as an art piece.
Another thought is just having a ceremony, either alone or with your daughters. You could have a goodbye ceremony before the surgery that allowed you (and your daughters, if they chose) to honor and give thanks to your breasts for what they have done for you, and then prepare to send them on their journey. Find something meaningful to use in the ceremony that will symbolize your breasts so that you can save this item as a memento. If you have a limited budget, this could be a good option, because the ceremony and the memento don’t have to be expensive.
If none of this seems feasible or satisfactory, remember that your two daughters are the real lasting symbols of your accomplishments as a mother. And the fact that they accept you for who you are and support you on your path demonstrates that you did this job very well. Congratulations and good luck!
Readers, I open it up to you for thoughts, ideas, and information.
This is a really interesting question. I have no idea how you could do it but as you say that amputees do the same thing, there is probably medical personnal that knows about the process. Either talk to the personal at the hospital or check out some medical website where you can ask questions anonymously. The doctors there will be able to tell you about the process involved. I know one trans guy who took his ovaries home in a jar.
Some guys even asked why the breast tissue isn’t used for penile construction and instead the skin from arm or leg is used, despite the fact that it needs to be shaved regularly. But this is another topic.
I don’t want to be offensive, but that just creeps me out a lot! I understand it. I have two grown children and I breast feed them both. My connection lies with my children, not the breasts that fed them. Anyway, i do like the suggestion of having a bust made or maybe having a portrait done. If you can have them cremated, where would you spread the ashes? Or, what type of urn/ decorative container would you like to have and where wiuld you display it. I cant see myself displaying it and then someone asking me about it.
I transitioned at 40 and am now 55. I have two wonderful birth daughters who now have families of their own. They are ages 33 and 35, I had them young. I understand almost exactly how you feel about your breasts. I called mine “the aliens” and couldn’t wait to have them GONE. However, unlike you, I didn’t feel the need to cremate them or have any type of service for them. I did feel the need to hold a ceremony, as soon as I was able after surgery, to mark the physical and emotional transition from “mom” to “dad”. I burned every piece of female underwear and lingerie that I owned and went shopping for new mens underwear. Not exciting, I know. But burning that female underwear allowed me a sense of catharsis that released just about every negative female-related experience I had growing up socialized as a girl. It felt almost tribal, I did it at night and used a burn barrel (I lived in the country). And buying mens underwear the next day, totally without a sense of guilt or fear or trepidation of any type, was so empowering I felt almost “high”, I felt free and alive. Maybe you won’t be able to get your breast tissue after surgery but that doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t have some type of ceremony for yourself…and by all means include your daughters if they’re willing. It could very well be a very special time for all of you…and then go shop or do something that reinforces your male status and form. Then go out to dinner or do something that feels good for all of you to mark the occasion in your memories as a very, very happy and good one. I can add that within a very short time both my daughters began calling me dad and now, to all five of my grandkids, I’m grandpa Pat and life is very, very good.
I don’t have kids, but the one thing that makes me wonder if I truly want top surgery or not is if I get it, and I have babies, I won’t be able to feed them that way. I know men have had babies after the surgery, they just have to use baby formula, and I could do that, too. But for some reason, I’d feel sad about that.
I have had similar feelings with what happens to the tissue being treated like trash. Even though I want the tissue removed from my body, it’s still mine, and I think more of it than that, even if no one else does. I have heard trans guys before say they felt sorry for their breasts and I feel sorry for mine. If I were going to have them removed, I would at least want my body parts disposed of in a respectful way, and to be in charge of it. It doesn’t seem fair to have to choose between keeping them on ones body when it makes life so much harder, and not having a say in what happens to them after they are removed.
Anyway, I am glad someone sent this question in, even if it’s not the most common feeling to have and even if there’s not much way out there to deal with it yet. I want to keep my tissue too if it’s possible, I have just started to deal with not being able to as part of the surgery and something I would have to get used to if I decided to do it. It would be awesome if there something you could do, I hadn’t even considered it a possibility.
To Matt K., to the Person Who Asked the Question, and to those who replied above: Sharing your insights and experiences in this discussion was so appreciated. I was taken with the candid and sensitive thoughts expressed, and the reverence shown, for a part of the body that is to be let go of. Thank you all. David-Paul (InnerBouquet.com)
I suppose I may be the lone person who has gone the other way. I suppose I felt about my penis as you feel about your breasts. I couldn’t wait for that horrible appendage to be gone. I didn’t want any pictures of it, nor be reminded I had one. However in my case at least it was put to good use, it is my new vagina. At least now it is correctly placed. I have a son, who accepts me for who I am. However I am not his mom, and I am referred to as his Aunt. You are so lucky you have children who are understanding enough to stay in your life. You must have been an extraordinary parent even with the distraction you had. I guess I am just a little confused. I hated my anatomy and wanted nothing to do with it. If you also hate the signs of being female, why are you so seemingly attached to them that you want to remember them? I mean no disrespect, I just don’t understand.
Hi Randi,
To explain a bit more: I am grateful for a part of my life that body part represents, but I would not call myself “attached” to that part. I have no desire to keep it, or to keep the ashes. For me, the idea of a picture or any other representation of my self with breast tissue is unappealing. I just want a respectful way to say goodbye to this part of my life and I am disturbed at this part becoming medical waste (trash) rather than being something I can let go of in my own way, and with respect. I am glad for you that you were able to turn a difficult part of your body that did not fit into a beautiful part that does..
FYI to readers: I just removed a comment because it violated my policy against personal attacks. Those of you who subscribe to comments probably saw it, so I’m sorry for that, but it was not from a legitimate reader. It was from someone just dropping by to cause trouble and not add anything to the conversation. I do not remove comments as a rule, but if they are direct personal attacks, and particularly if they are from some random hater, I will take them down.
Regardless of what some people say about “Freedom of Speech” and how they “don’t believe in censorship”, sometimes moderating comments is a good thing. I personally thank you for thinking more of your readers than to let drive-by hate stand in the comments and explain it away with “Freedom of Speech”…
I did not see the comment, but I am likely glad I didn’t before it was removed, especially since I decided to share something personal in this thread.
Didn’t see it and don’t need to see it. It’s a good policy – thanks for upholding the law, Sheriff.
Thanks, Matt!
Thank you so much for this! I am presently putting off transition until my son weans. For me, I would want to look in the possibility that the tissue could be donated for skin graft or such. I love the idea of having a goodbye ceremony for them, just as I might for other baby helpers, like the sling I’ve used to carry my children. This has given me some great ideas and food for thought.
It’s really interesting, the differing attitudes towards body parts that need to be removed.
Because, not gonna lie, I was contemplating the possibility of cooking the breast tissue that will be removed. (Eating, probably not. I am kind of weird. But not quite that weird.)
Anyway, so that this comment is reasonably constructive, I would also back up Matt’s suggestion of asking your surgeon, especially in regards to policies and laws around medical “waste.”
I’m having chest reconstructive surgery next month and was having similar thoughts. It’s good to know that I’m not the only one on this journey where I sometimes think that I’m the only one. Just goes to show that none of us are really alone. Thanks w and Matt.
Interesting topic. Thanks to you, w, for posing the question and to you Matt for posting about it.
On a less personal/more clinical note, my first thought when reading the initial question was that at 48 years of age, the surgeon should be asking you, w, whether you would want to have the removed tissue examined by a pathologist for breast cancer. Something to consider.
Interesting topic, Matt. I do believe there are laws regarding body parts that have been amputated or taken off you. I think the tissue is sent to a lab for pathology and that you can’t get it back.
I like the idea of making a plaster bust or a papier mache one as art. It’s not expensive either. You can get what’s known as plaster bandage what was used for a cast for a broken leg or arm. In an art class, wwe made masks of our faces with this. I painted it my skin color, made the freckles, and even added some of my own hair to frame the face. Something like this couyld be a nice way of honoring your breasts.
Me, I still have mine and probably will always have them I don’t have any feelings towards them – they’re just there. How abouyt a breast reduction where they arfe small enough to not look female but can still be breast fed from if you had a baby. Hope it all works out for the best for you.
I have been on T for 3.5 years and had a hysto 7 months ago. I might cremate my ovaries… I do not think the hysto was a good decision and I have some grief about it.
I have had a very negative post-hysto experience and seem to be in the minority. There are some guys who are 100% satisfied, but then there are certainly quite a few others like me. I have been seeing an endocrinologist and have been trying new hormonal combinations with some success. I have been extremely healthy during my life, and I am 30-years-old. I have exercised for years, have a good deal of muscle mass, and very little body fat. Part of my problem post-hysto may have been due to a very low body fat percentage, which brought my estrogen levels down to 8pg/ml. A man needs a level of 25pg/ml for optimal health, and a woman needs 50pg/ml (100pg/ml is probably better for bones and sex, especially if under 50-years-old). I am currently 7 months post op from the hysto. I will regret the hysto deeply until I have fully recovered my energy and sexual function. If I do recover, then I will be happy with my choice, as a hysto eliminates cancer risks and the need for pelvic exams. The main things that I miss, and I miss them acutely, are the thunderous orgasms and the ample sexual tension that had become a very welcome part of my life after T. That was blunt and graphic, but I am giving it to you honestly. Bring on the urn.