A reader writes: “I am an older guy (53) about a year into transition and I am finding that almost every trans man I meet (online or in person) is under twenty-five. I even tried joining an online support group for those over forty, only to find that I was the only member over thirty-two!
“I found one group that did have older members, but they were all trans women. I am wondering if you can direct me to any support groups or information sites that are specific to older guys (over fifty).”
It’s a new world with regard to transition – or it seems like that to me. Of course, I blame/credit the Internet, because I think that a lot of people who might have taken years to come out and transition due to lack of information and support can now find it easily online. This often results in a much earlier transition. (At least this is what I’m seeing in the trans man community. I would be interested in what trans women are seeing in their community.)
But it also results in guys getting more information, finding community, and starting transition in middle age or older, whereas before, without the resources and contacts, they might not have done it at all. So you’ve got a couple of groups of older guys – those who transitioned many years ago (some in middle age), and those who are just starting.
Those who transitioned many years ago are not the ones you find with great frequency in YouTube videos, on blogs, or in support groups now. They were involved in social and support groups fifteen, twenty, or even thirty years ago, when they were just starting out, and they aren’t interested anymore or have gone on to other things.
Of course, we’re here. I’m one of these guys, and people like Jamison Green, Max Wolf Valerio, and Loren Cameron transitioned before I did and are highly visible, but many of our numbers are not.
Those who are in their fifties and sixties and just beginning transition are also generally not the ones you find in YouTube videos, on blogs, or in support groups. Some of them, like you, have looked for support groups and found them populated by younger guys who are having a different type of experience. Some are more private about their lives, possibly because they are more established in a career or with family, and so don’t want the visibility that the Internet brings.
And others may simply not be as well versed in the Internet. Those of us in our fifties and beyond (I’m fifty-seven) didn’t grow up with it. We didn’t incorporate it into our lives until much later, and some did not embrace it at all. I’m still trying to figure out Twitter, and I know a lot of people my age who are not on Facebook and barely use e-mail.
Not only that, but the young guys are very active, both online and in local activist communities. Maybe they just have more energy! So they’re the ones who you run into when you go online or go to your local centers. But there are older guys out there right now who are newly transitioning. I think it is just a little harder to find them.
Two places that might have information are FORGE, a Wisconsin organization that deals with anti-violence and trans aging, and SAGE (Services and Advocacy for GLBT Elders). Okay, at fifty-three, you’re hardly an elder in the SAGE sense, but they might be able to point you in the direction of resources for those on the younger side of old.
I know there must be other groups and resources out there – I just forgot them! (I can finally use age as an excuse for my sometimes-poor memory.) I’m sure readers will have more.
Here’s a video I found on YouTube from a guy who is having a similar experience. He is concerned about health issues, but he also talks about a lack of community for older guys, and he has done some additional videos as well. So you’re definitely not alone in feeling alone. Readers – ideas?
Hey, that’s me up there… don’t I look cute *grin* … no really, that is me, it just shocked the crap outta me to see me there, thanks Matt, now maybe I can get a date)… it’s the breaks of posting a public video on YouTube… Hahaha… Anyway, I was gonna say, there are a few of us on Facebook that have tried to start older guy groups. We’ll get going, get maybe 10 or 15 members and then it just dies out. The main group I belong to on FB is for gay FtMs (even the older folk one is for mature gay FtMs). That group is populated by young men, mostly in their 20s to 30s. I have little in common with them other than we are gay and FtM. I still love my younger buddies in those groups, I just have no one to relate to much.
I started posting on YouTube because there was such a lack of older guys out there posting. If nothing else, at least my posts have given a lot of older guys (and some young ones) hope and courage to move forward. I would not be opposed to starting an older FtM (non-sexual/affectional preference specific) group on Facebook, I just have no idea how to get the message out that it’s there.
There are older guys out there. Guys who have been transitioned for a while, guys just starting out, we are there, we are just hard to find. I think a lot of what you stated as reasons for their absence is extremely valid Matt. I am finding through my YouTube videos more and more older guys starting transition over 50. Many of them come to me for advice and mentoring. I barely know more than they do, but I have been at this physical transition thing now for 18 months, so I take all I have learned (some of it having come from you Matt) and share it with them freely.
I am more than open to guys who want to contact me through my YouTube videos if they are interested in forming some kind of FB support group for older guys. I am just extremely careful of who I allow to friend me on FB since it is my real name and the real me there and not every last one of my friends on FB is trans. So I limit my trans postings on my page cause honestly, it bores my cis-gendered friends to tears sometimes… *grin*
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/FtM-trans/
FtM Trans is an online private Yahoo group that was started back in 1999. There are guys from all over the world. There are guys in their 20′s and guys in their 70′s.
I am not on FB so I can’t help you there, but there are a few Yahoo groups. There is also a less active group called FTM_International that is run by the same folks as the FtM-trans group.
My response does not answer all of the questions but as one who transitioned later in life, primarily due to the aspect of not being fired from my job, I do know that in my younger years, there was no internet, there were no GSA’s, no trans-specific support groups and in fact, the non-trans lesbian and gays were struggling to be out openly, unlike they are now in their younger years. I had no one to turn to, and as so many of my generation (ours) stayed closeted for far too many years. I am in fact female (MTF, should that need to be said) and will turn 59 years of age in August.
I do not see the internet as a factor at all, but if it is, that factor is very small. What I have seen over the past four or five years, is a building acceptance of one being Trans. The hard work of many trans-activists and organizations have and still are opening doors for the Community. Federal laws and regulatory changes in support of the Trans Community are happening at breakneck speed. What is happening is that more and more of our Youth recognize that it is ‘safe to come out’ and are doing so in record numbers, in fact we will see that number increase and with newfound acceptance by parents, will see the age of of ‘transitioning’ become lower and lower. A very good thing!
One might argue that there are more support groups for females, but here in St Louis, a group for trans-masculine identities, started before one for trans-feminine identities. As it is, I am one of the older ladies, and this ladies group is as you say, more suited for those younger. But even with that thought in mind, I find myself still welcome, and happy to be an ad-hoc mentor and share the experiences of my transition.
On http://www.transmenandfriends.com, we have a group for Over 40 folks. We currently have 49 members in that group, some of them over 50. I would love to have more older folks on our network. I was a late transitioner myself (early 40′s) and just turned 50.
I think that one reason there is more visibility of younger trans men online is because many older guys aren’t interested in documenting our transitions via YouTubes & blogs, and some don’t have the patience or desire to be involved in online networks.
I would be happy to start a Facebook group for older trans men. Which would be more useful? Trans Men Over 40? Late Transitioners?
“I would be happy to start a Facebook group for older trans men. Which would be more useful? Trans Men Over 40? Late Transitioners?”
I propose a combination of both so that any trans guy over 40 can join, regardless if he transitioned recently or ages ago. I transitioned late AND I’m over 40, so I would certainly join that.
I concur, a group that welcomes transmen over 40 regardless of when they transitioned would be great. I too am over 40 (although only just lol, I’m almost 42) and only started transition 4 years ago – and I find a distinct lack of support or fellowship among transmen my age because most of the support groups in my area are full of much younger transfolk (in their teens and 20s) with whom I have nothing in common besides being trans.
I just started a group on Facebook called Trans Men Over 40. Here’s the link: https://www.facebook.com/groups/359776760754278/
It has a privacy setting of “Closed”, which means that only members can see what we post, but anyone on Facebook who happens to come across it can see the group and who’s in it. (If I make the group invisible, people won’t be able to get to the group and join it.)
For trans men who date men (or would like to), I have another Facebook group, also closed, here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/247117272051679/
For people with privacy concerns, http://www.transmenandfriends.com/ is a completely private, ad-free site. I started it as a social network, but many members use it to seek and offer support and advice. As I mentioned above, we have an Over-40 group there as well. As the network name implies, there are non-trans members – mostly partners of trans men or people who are looking to date trans men.
“I just started a group on Facebook called Trans Men Over 40.”
Cool! I just knocked at your door there.
Will also check out the other FB one and the private site.
Ok, I just joined the group, can we talk in there? Should we make intros or what?
Hi Jay,
I just approved your membership, so feel free to post whatever you’d like. There is no formality, no rules or guidelines at this point. In most groups, some members prefer to remain quiet, while others are more outgoing. I leave it up to individuals to decide whether and what they want to post. Members have various reasons to be in the group and different things they’ll want to get out of it. So it’s up to you. Personally, I’d rather new members post than not. A short intro is a good first post. I also like it when members say things like “I’m happy to be here”, esp. if they say why.
Hi Dean
so I signed up for that group, and you let me in
, but then I found it showed up in the list of groups on the left of my profile, which is what I would rather not share with friends who don’t know. So I signed out again…..
Hi Peter,
Groups do not show up on your profile. You were looking at your home page, which only you can see. To view your profile as others see it, click on your name at the top of your page. Then click “view as”. That will show you how the public sees your page. There is a field at the top that says “enter a friend’s name”. Once you do that, you can see how your profile looks to friends. You can always change your privacy settings and choose who sees what on Facebook.
If you have the Timeline (new) profile view, the steps are slightly different. You still click on your name at the top of the page, then click on the gear icon which appears to the right of the “Activity Log” button. From there, click “view as”, and you will see how the general public sees your page. Enter a friend’s name to see how your friends see your page.
I hope that helps!
Matt, as usual, is right…we, as older FTMs, just don’t have any type of real presence in the cyber world or much of anywhere else. But we are here. I’m 56 and transitioned 15 years ago, 16 if you count the real-life-test we had to live through back then.
There is a group that can help you find others in your age group or transition status called TransMentors International (www.transmentors.org). It’s a non-profit and is free to “join”…basically you sign up, give a few stats like your age and you can start looking at other profiles of people who you might like to connect with either as a mentor/mentee or just for friendship. It’s NOT a dating site in any way, shape, or form. It’s a site to find other people who are also trans and have experience to share or, like you, are just looking for connections with people who have similar attributes.
Otherwise you’re already doing what the rest of us do…checking local groups, surfing the web, reading, and looking for blogs, groups, or just individuals who we share something in common with. I also highly recommend attending a trans conference of one kind or another. I know finances are tight for everyone, but if you’re anywhere near a major conference you should do what you can to get there. Often those conferences have sites for room-sharing, travel sharing (car pools) etc. and if nothing else you’ll meet folks that way.
Most of all just remember that there are others out here like you…FTMs in their 50′s on up…some who transitioned decades ago and some who are just starting out now…but we are here and you will find others, just keep looking.
I’m not Anonymous…sometimes I hate technology.
I also started my transition later in life (on my 50th birthday) and while I could find tons and tons of information on transitioning I had a real hard time finding Peers that I could really relate to as far as Age wise. It was very frustrating and still can be at times! I would love to see a more “Aged” group of guys that I could join although I am not to keen to doing this on Facebook… I am happy to talk via email to your reader or anyone else that would like my experience of transitioning. Oh and just for reference, I am now 53.. Well almost…
Alex
I find FB groups somewhat problematic given that many of my friends do not know of my FTM status and don’t need to know – but FB tells the world which groups you are in….
The gay FTM group sounds interesting
. I got a date, in case you are asking, Jay, through advertising on craigslist; telling the honest truth of my identity. That made it rather easier since it puts the question of body composition right up front, and you don’t need to explain things at a later state in a relationship…
What if the name of the group doesn’t give away what the group is about? And if anyone asks you, you can say it’s just a group of guys you bowl with or something . . . ?
that would be great!
Peter, in case you didn’t see my post above, Trans Men & Friends is a completely private site. http://www.transmenandfriends.com/
In our local support group we here the opposite complaint, “all of you are OLD, even the ones just starting transition. Why aren’t there any FTMs under 30 in the group??” Answer: because the youngers are so damn flighty and filling blogs with angst that they cannot attend support groups where actually transition work is done and taught.
The youngsters have everything at their finger tips, every thing is instant and if it is not then they begin the tantrums (“I came out 3 whole months after discovering FTMs exist and I am going to die if all my surgery and HRT changes don’t happen by my birthday!” ugh). When older guyz say ‘take your time you have decades to get there’ the youngsters tend to walk away while blaming oldersters for reality. So locally we have mostly over 35yos representing the organized publicly known support organization while the younger ones avoid us like the plague while claiming they are being left out.
Youngers tend to be the ‘loudest’ so easier to see, all over the internet and on the streets being loud proud queers while many of us older guyz are just trying to live our lives like any other man. Simple answer is that middle-aged Transmen are around you, they just are not wearing a neon sign advertising it.
When I was a young pup starting transition (same era as Loren Cameron, Jamison Greene) we were not able to reach out to thousands of other FTMs at any given moment, there were no ready-made “transition” products to buy like binders and packers (I helped design the very first commercially available packer and harness), heck we did not even exist according to the HBIGDA Standards of Care until 1998. Because of that lack of resourcing in their youth many guyz are starting transition in middle-age after getting beyond the previous social, medical, and awareness blackhole. And now that they can see the light camaraderie with similar generation folks on a similar path is important.
All generations can learn from each other, all generations can help each other, and all generations are around you even if you don’t see them. You could shake my hand while in a crowd and still think no other over-45 Transmen were in the room.
I wanted to put it out there that not everyone is on Facebook.
There is a social website called TQ NATION that has a lot of different groups. It’s similar to Facebook but it’s for trans people specifically and was started by a trans man.
To the reader–congratulations, and know that you are not alone! I am 43, transitioned (FTM) about a year ago, and I also have found it a little hard that so few trans guys that I know (either in person in my local community, or online) are “older” like me. But I also want to thank Matt–thanks Matt!–for your open forum and sharing your story, as it was really helpful for me to read about someone else who transitioned at my age. I am not a big FaceBook person, but would be happy to be involved in any groups (FB or otherwise) aimed toward “older” trans guys. Best wishes to you, reader!
Yeah! You found my Arkansas brother Jay!!! He is a great guy with a huge heart. I know that it is hard finding people who are in our age group. I am 45. Here in Arkansas there really are not a huge number of trans guys in general and even a little more difficult to find older ones, but we have a group of us that get togeher several times a year to meet up. I always enjoy those meetings and they re energize me to talk with each other face to face. We stay in touch through the yahoo chat board we have set up. Quite honestly, I got frustrated with not having community here, so I took on the challenge of setting up an LGBT group here. So far so good with the group. Maybe that is what you need to do for yourself.
Yo Pascal, bet I am most likely the only guy, let alone older guy in Arkansas doing YouTube Videos. I could be wrong though. You have to admit though that our group is very diverse in age. I think I am still the oldest at 58 and Andrew (Lee) is the youngest at like 22 or so. Everyone one else is in their 30′s, 40′s and (Garin and I) 50′s. I have a question for you though brother, when we first started the Yahoo Group here, how did you hear about us? I found the group through an announcement Raymond and Denise made on an NWA Lesbian Yahoo forum. How did you find “us”.
Good to see you bro,,, you need to get your butt up here for a visit before you start that master’s program dude or I will never see you again for 2 years. *grin*
This is great seeing all you older guys here! In our groups here in San diego, we have a good mix in both the trans male community and trans women communities. Yes, I do find it hard at times to relate to the real young guys – except for a 22 year old disabled guy who grew up being with older people anyway! We both have service dogs. I am 61 and started my hormones last spring – on T for 14 months and still hardly ever get called “sir”! Very frustrating but I have to remember that it all takes time. I also am on FB but don’t know how to use it very well – especially after they changed it a few months back! I’ll check oout your video later, Jay!
Hey Jay, I watched the video of you and it was good. I have NO CLUE as to how to post anything on YouTube. I’m not techie at all! You muzt be on a higher dose of T than I have to be on – low 25ml every two weeks – so your voice is much lower and male soounding than mine is. I started in April 2011 and I still get read as female almost all the time.
It is great to know that we older trans folks are indeed out there and thank you to Matt for providing a forum for some of us to see each other here.
Lyn, I already had a low voice, it just got lower, that’s all. I have been read as male for years. You know you’re getting read as male when you go to a gay resort and you get propositioned by gay guys when you are not in transition. I’m on the same dose now that I was when I first started, .05ml weekly or 1.0ml every two weeks, my choice of how often I want to stick myself. My last labs put my T levels at 675, a normal male range. It may be genetic in your family that males have higher voices. Males in my family are pretty much baritone/bass. I was a contralto/1st and 2nd tenor before transition. I found a bunch of videos on YouTube about lowering your voice. A few were specifically for transmen.
It’s actually easy to post on YouTube btw. I thought it was going to be a nightmare, but it’s relatively simple. You do have to have a web cam either built into your computer/laptop (most new laptops have built in web cams now) or else a stand alone that you can buy relatively inexpensively and plug into a USB port on your computer. If you have a smart phone, you could do it from that too, I just have no idea how to do it cause I purposely have a dumb phone.
Making videos is fun (sort of) and us older guys need to be out there on YouTube more.
hi everyone, I am also in my 40s and found a great and vibrant youtube community of older ftm mainly in their 30s to early 50s. Its called itsamansworldftm1. check it out.
steve
Yeah, Jay, I do have a webcam that i used for Skype. I don’t know anyone who uses YouTube much except someone who put up waterskiing videos for another blind friend.
Yes, the males in my family are not very hairy and have relatively high voices for males. I think I’ll follow that. After a year on T, I STILL mostly get misgendered – well part of that is that I also live in an area with a high LGBT population. Can’t even grow a beard yet as it is too sparse and someone told me that it looked like a menopause beard – Ugh. I shaved it and go clean shaven for now.
The forums on Laura’s Playground are a great, supportive resource. One of the mods is a late-transitioning older guy, and there’s an FTM-only board along with other special topic and more inclusive boards.
HI, there is a Facebook group for Mature Gay FTMs. I started a group on Fetlife back in November of 2011, and attempted to start one on Facebook that did not get off the ground. However I ran across this group a few days ago which had attempted the same thing and we decided to pool resources. https://www.facebook.com/groups/MatureGayFTMs/ If you are a mature Gay FTM and are looking for support then you would not be alone. There are many of us that feel the lack of support for the older generation of people transitioning.