A reader writes: “I recently met a man who is friends with a lot of my friends. I’ll call him James. We’re all in our twenties and have a tight-knit group of very nice people. I met him and we hit it off. I thought maybe it was going somewhere.
“Now, in this group of friends, I present as male, they use male pronouns, etc. But I don’t pass very well if you’ve interacted with me for longer than a few moments, as I haven’t started hormones yet. Despite that, though, all of my friends are very respectful and supportive of my gender identity, so it’s never really an issue.
“But James and I were flirting, and it started to go somewhere, and then he told me we needed to ‘have a talk’ before we could keep going. And his talk consisted mostly of my gender. He said he understands I’m trans, and he’s all right with that, but it brings up a big issue. He sees himself as straight. And even if he knows I’m trans, he can’t help but see me as a woman, and thus, he’s attracted to me.
“I told him that seeing me as a woman, I guess, is easy to do right now since I haven’t started hormones. But once I’m more masculine than that, I will (hopefully) pass much better as male, and I won’t appear female anymore. The entire time we had this talk, he was trying very hard to be as respectful as possible about it, and I’m grateful. But it’s also very unnerving. How do I go along with this? Do we continue on with our relationship, even if it means he sees me as a woman?”
I have an old boyfriend (right now, we’re both pretty old) who calls me from time to time. We haven’t been together for thirty-five years, and he’s seen me once in person since I transitioned. But occasionally, he’ll bring up the idea of hooking up, just for old times’ sake.
When I explained to him once that it just wouldn’t be the same for him, he said, “Well, you could put on some makeup or something.”
If that story sends a little chill down your spine, you might want to think twice about an ongoing relationship with this guy. But that’s my story. Only you can decide if you should keep seeing James or not.
I’m sure that there are many possible outcomes to this if you decide to continue the relationship. Here are a few that I see as possibilities:
1. You start taking hormones and begin to masculinize. Even though James thought he could handle it, he begins to realize that he no longer finds you physically attractive, because he is attracted to women. He ends the relationship.
2. You start taking hormones and begin to masculinize. James remains attracted to you, but fears that the world will see him as gay. His friends give him a hard time, and when you go out in public, you are treated as a gay couple. He can’t deal and he ends the relationship.
3. You start taking hormones and begin to masculinize. James continues to see you as and treat you as a woman, regardless of your appearance and demeanor. He uses female pronouns consistently, including in public. You can’t deal and you end the relationship.
4. Before you even start taking hormones, you realize that you can’t handle James seeing you as and treating you as a woman. You end the relationship.
5. You start taking hormones and begin to masculinize. James starts to realize that his sexual orientation is more fluid than he thought and that he is attracted to you as a person – or a man – rather than as a woman. It takes some time, but he begins to use masculine pronouns and begins to see you as a man. He is not concerned about how the public perceives you as a couple or what his “friends” might say. The relationship works out.
But no matter which of these scenarios (or possibly an entirely different one) plays out in the future, you still have to deal with now and starting a relationship in which James sees you as female. You are the only one who can decide how important that is to you. James has told you how he sees you. It is likely that it will be very difficult for him to see you otherwise until some physical changes take place.
You can’t force him to see you differently. His perception of you is going on in his head, and it can possibly be altered, but not by you insisting that it be. Something very concrete will probably have to happen in order for that perception to change.
I am always of the mind that, if there is something out there that you want, then go for it. There are never any guarantees in love or in life. There is no way to predict the future with regard to any relationship. One or both of you could wind up with a broken heart, but that can happen with any relationship – even one that appears to be without challenges, and this one has recognizable challenges before it even begins. You could also both wind up extremely happy.
But before you get too involved, you might want to ask yourself a few questions:
> Do I like this guy more than I hate being seen as female?
> Do I want to enter a relationship in which I am seen as someone other than who I really am?
> Can I tolerate being perceived as female, even for a brief period of time, by an intimate partner?
> Can I tolerate the idea that, when we engage in sexual activity, he sees himself as having sex with a woman?
> Can I handle the fact that his friends and family know him to be straight, and therefore will see me and treat me as a woman?
> Am I willing to enter a relationship that might have a better-than-average chance of ending sooner rather than later?
Only you know the answers to these questions. The heart wants what the heart wants, so if you decide to go for it, it certainly wouldn’t hurt to have ongoing discussions about the state of the relationship and how each of you is feeling.
It also might not hurt for James to meet some medically transitioned trans men, if he hasn’t already, or to look at some before-and-after photos, because he might not have a realistic idea of what testosterone can actually do, both physically and emotionally (he might think it will do very little, when in reality, it is extremely powerful).
My opinion is that a relationship is successful for as long as it’s working. “Happily ever after” should not necessarily be the goal for every (or any) romantic partnership. You can always gain something from being with someone else, for however long you are with that person. And broken hearts mend.
But there will also be other men, and there will be men who see you as a man. Only you know how important that is to you right now, and whether or not you want to wait for that. I wish you the best of luck, whatever you decide.
Readers, what do you think?
I think the questions you have given for your reader are good ones. Only he can decide what is best for him. However, I also strongly caution against getting into a relationship in which you are not seen as who you are, for a couple of reasons.
My personal history includes having felt invisible for many years because I didn’t know how to tell anyone as a kid that I was a guy. Part of the way those feelings affected me as an adult was that I entered relationships in which I felt invisible. These relationships were not happy or healthy ones. In general, I think getting into a relationship where you are not seen as who you are causes problems. For me, it caused a lot of anger and conflict. For others, it might cause more suppression of who they are to go along with their partner’s identity.
Furthermore, when a person gets misgendered, sometimes it encourages others in the group who were previously accepting to become confused and misgender the person as well. I don’t know exactly why this is, but it’s happened to me several times. Recently, I was out to dinner with some friends and the waiter misgendered me. Before I could correct him, somebody in the group made a comment referring to me with a female pronoun. I’ve had other occasions where people who used the correct pronouns suddenly had a hard time remembering them when someone else consistently called me by the wrong ones.
At best, I think you will find yourself constantly correcting your boyfriend if he consistently treats you as a woman… but the potential consequences are much, much worse. Of course, there is the possibility that he WILL come around, but it is going to take a lot of self-assertion and possibly some intense discussions, so you really have to ask yourself if you’re up for it. Also ask yourself what it is about him you find attractive.
I am a strong believer in choosing your partner based on how you feel about yourself while around him. If your self-esteem is lower when around him than not, then it’s not a good idea to partner with him no matter how attracted you are to him.
Matt, spot-on as usual! I would only add that I personally found it especially important in my very early–as in pre-hormones–transition to be involved *only* with people who saw me as male. I needed that reinforcement; hell, I *deserved* that reinforcement, since I WAS in fact male. It helped give me the fortitude to continue my process. Of course, as always, YMMV.
Speaking only for myself, I will never forget just how fragile I was during the initial period of my social transition. The reader is truly blessed to have a group of friends who are so supportive and understanding.
We all want and need to be appreciated and loved as the people we truly are. If the reader is perhaps a bit unsure of himself, exploring this relationship might make sense. However, if he is sure of his status, a romantic relationship with his friend James seems to me to guarantee significant angst and be counter productive to his transition.
In the end this is solely his decision. My advice, which I applied to myself and share often is simply this – Live YOUR truth, not someones else’s truth, YOUR truth, whatever that truth may look like.
I wish your reader the very best in his journey.
As LGBT people, and specifically with social transition with regards to gender, it is extremely important that people view us as we are, rather than their own perception of what they THINK we are. This James person seems to WANT to accept and understand, but, from the sounds of this, he just does not. You are not a man to him, and I don’t think it is wise to date someone who does not fully embrace your identity.
Matt, as for your story- this ex seems horribly insensitive, uninformed, and disrespectful. I do hope you schooled him good.
“He said he understands I’m trans, and he’s all right with that, but it brings up a big issue. … he can’t help but see me as a woman, and thus, he’s attracted to me.”
This is actually pretty terrible if you unpack it. He’s “alright with that”? That’s just the basic level of human dignity. It is not a compassionate statement. Also if he can’t “help” but see the asker as a woman, he is actually not ok with the asker being trans. Those statements are contradictory.
“I told him that seeing me as a woman, I guess, is easy to do right now”
As advice, I would caution the asker not to make statements like these. I know in early transition / social transition it’s easy to make conciliatory type gestures and statements to friends, but if you give people an inch they will take a mile. It’s only easy to see this guy as a woman because trans people aren’t viewed as authentically our genders. I also don’t necessarily think people change their minds when they see the physical effects of medical transition. Certainly, some do, but if someone is really dedicated to viewing another person as a woman, they can continue in denial indefinitely.
The asker doesn’t say much about this boyfriend prospect besides that they hit it off. Thus it’s hard for me to truly give…all encompassing advice. But I’d steer clear. No one I dated long term pre-medical transition has been able to see me authentically as a guy. That’s my experience.
I just hope the OP doesn’t get himself into a situation which negatively impacts his transition. Far too often I’ve seen trans people get into relationships just before or early on in their physical transitions, get emotionally attached to someone who is conflicted about the transition, only to have the transitioner postpone their original direction to try and preserve the relationship. It almost always backfires… badly. The trans person’s dysphoria increases, the partner feels emotionally detached and the relationship breaks up with years lost. Yes, I know it sounds gloomy, but I’ve just seen it happen far too many times. As other commenters have written, this is a fragile time for him and it’s natural he’s looking for companionship, love and support, but it needs to be with someone who can give unqualified support and, moreover, is really, truly okay with being seen (and publicly out) in a queer relationship. That is a tall order for most straight men who’ve never had to address those issues before.
“Far too often I’ve seen trans people get into relationships just before or early on in their physical transitions, get emotionally attached to someone who is conflicted about the transition, only to have the transitioner postpone their original direction to try and preserve the relationship.”
seriously good point, here. definitely something to think about.
I am really sad.
The makeup comment with the ex leaves me with a visceral feeling of “ICK.” Don’t mean to project my feelings though.
I see another problem – from being there. The hormone fantasy: I couldn’t wait for T – just for a deeper voice and body fat redistribution. I was going with fluidity, not a binary. Reality (although this is RARE) … 2 entire years of weekly injections and my voice never dropped. My chest never went elsewhere – even a little. I could pass with a binder until I opened my mouth.
No, this is not common – but relying on hormones to increase male affirmation respect has its issues. If you say you are male you ARE male. I find it disrespectful for someone to date you and think of you as what you are not.
But I am not you. And maybe the guy will step up and embrace a queer relationship. I wish you the best. xo
For some reason, we (I mean all people as we) have a very hard time believing people when they tell us exactly what they think.
You can’t control what anyone else thinks or feels or imagines. None of us can. But if he specifically feels the need to TELL you that he sees you as a woman, he’s making it very clear that he considers a pre-condition of any relationship that you recognize that this is his viewpoint and that you aren’t supposed to do anything to “ruin” the way he sees things, without jeopardizing the relationship. Period.
It would be different if he said, “I don’t really see you as male or female, I just see you as YOU.”
It may be “natural” that he see you as female (we are culturally programmed to glom onto a whole host of gender markers to categorize people), but it’s not natural for him to insist that you agree and accept with him choosing to view you as a woman.
Imagine someone who is light-skinned being told by a partner that they choose to view them as “white” and don’t want them to do anything to their appearance to reinforce that the person actually is biracial or black. Or imagine someone saying, “I know you converted religions and participate in Buddhist worship, but we grew up Christian, so I will always see you as Christian.”
This situation with James strikes me as every much as creepy and weird as those scenarios.
“For some reason, we (I mean all people as we) have a very hard time believing people when they tell us exactly what they think.”
This needs to be on huge, flashing neon billboards in every city and town.
I don’t agree with the posters who write that it’s somehow disrespectful of James to see the OP as female *because* he is attracted to him.
He does not deny that the OP is a trans guy. He understands that. He is just honest about his attraction, which is an attraction to what seems to look like female.
Physical attraction is not something that is “logical” or controllable. You can only control if you act on it or not, but the attraction itself is just there.
I have been attracted to some early transition transwomen, because at that stage they *looked* like feminine men. I decided, out of respect, not to act on those attractions, though I sometimes ask myself if I have missed some nice relationships. I know some couples that consist of a gay trans guy and a lesbian trans woman, and they seem to work quite well.
But then, for me, I could never enter a relationship where someone sees me as a lesbian woman (I’m neither female nor am I attracted to women).
But do I tell these couples that they are disrespectful to each other? Obviously not.
These are highy personal and individual issues. People just have to be honest with themselves and see where their own boundaries lie.
If James is attracted to the OP because he is attracted to women and OP looks like, to him, a woman, okay. That’s understandable that a person can still be decent and have those feelings.
But if James sees himself as a straight man, and must preserve his straightness, therefore he sees OP as a woman – then that is a problem.
Rereading the paragraph, could be either, but there is a big difference in which is the cause and which is the effect.
Because this straight boy is attracted to another boy, whether he likes it or not. Whether he believes it, or not. And to say to that other boy, “Well, I am attracted to you so you must be a girl,” is disrespectful.
i think there’s something scary about a person who prioritizes their sexual identity (the actual label, that is) over another person’s gender. i think it’s disrespectful (unintentionally or not) and i don’t think i could be around a person like that.
that said, we all get to set our own boundaries. whatever you decide, i wish you all the awesome!
Interesting to see this issue now. Just recently, one of my ex boyfriends said that he’d like to have sex with me again after several years of us just being friends. He accepts me as a male – at least that’s what he says – but I do have my reservations on that. I still get misgendered most of the time. I still have the boobs. I said that I didn’t want us to have sex with him thinking that he was having sex with the “woman” he had sex with and a relationship with me previously before I accepted and allowed the trans male inside me come out. He and I haven’t had sex yet and I’ll hold off and think carefully about doing that because my identity as a male needs to come first in my life. Thanks matt and thanks to the person who wrote the question. And thanks to those of you who responded ahead of me!
About getting into intimate relationships as one begins the transition process, yes we must be careful. Don’t forget that we trans men were all socialized as female in our culture and we were all taught to “put others first ahead of our needs and wants”. Wwe need to “keep our eyes on the prize” so to speak and, no matter what, go for what we are and to do what we need to do to be oour authentic selves. We need to make a good life for ourselves.
[...] this post on Matt Kailey’s blog where a trans man writes in to ask for advice about a potential relationship with a cis man who has [...]