A reader writes: “I am a guy who is stealth and have been 8.5 years on T, and it’s now even harder to tell a woman about me. Any advice? I am post top and hysto and saving up for phalloplasty.”
I think that, as the years go on, it often becomes increasingly difficult to come out to people. At first, when we are starting transition, we sometimes have to come out, thanks to that grey area that we move through when people we meet (and want to date) aren’t sure of our gender or who, exactly, is asking them out.
In the beginning, it can even be exciting to come out. We are experiencing something incredible, and in many cases, we want people to know. But after a while, when things settle down and we have moved into a place that is comfortable for us, we just want to get on with life. Every time we have to come out, we think, “What? That again? When is this going to be over?”
Unfortunately – and there are many people who don’t agree with me, here – it is never going to be over. That is the reality of our situation. I am a firm believer in coming out to potential sexual and/or romantic partners as soon as it appears that there might be sex and/or romance on the horizon.
I believe this for a few reasons:
> I would personally rather get dumped (or do the dumping, if the person seems as if he or she can’t handle it) early on, before things get too serious and one or more of us gets our heart broken.
> I think that transition and being transsexual (which is how I identify) is a pretty monumental thing in my life, and it’s not something that I would want to keep from someone close to me, even if I could. I also think that intimacy is built on honesty, and while I don’t believe that we have to tell a partner all of our deep, dark secrets, I think the big ones (especially those that have a major influence on who we are and/or could come back to haunt us later) are pretty important.
> I think that it’s only fair to inform a person who intends to be intimate with me what that person is going to encounter before we hit the sack. I would like to be informed, as well, if there is something major that I’m not expecting. Surprises can be fun, but don’t bet on it in this case.
> There is always a safety risk if someone gets a “surprise” that he or she is not expecting. Personal safety is paramount, and no date or relationship is worth risking it.
Regardless, I understand that it’s probably getting increasingly harder for you to come out as you live your life as a man. But I think that you will have to continue to do it, at least with those you want to be intimate with, and that you will have to do it even after phalloplasty.
Modern phalloplasties look great, they feel great, and the surgical techniques continue to evolve. However, I think most women will be able to tell the difference as you become increasingly sexually involved, and you might get some questions that will be difficult to answer.
I would advise that you come up with some “coming out” language that you are comfortable with. Of course, every situation will be different, and you might have to tweak it based on the person and the scenario, but if you have something that you feel okay with, it will be easier, and you won’t have to dread it each time.
Some possible suggestions:
> I want you to know that I wasn’t always male (or a man).
> I want you to know that I have had some corrective medical procedures in the past.
> I want you to know why I haven’t shown you any photos of me as a child.
> I want you to know why I’m not going to (or taking you to) my class reunion.
> I want you to know why I ___________ (changed jobs, moved from Cleveland to San Francisco, no longer speak to my parents, whatever).
I don’t think you need to come out on a coffee date. But if things start to move in a direction, I would personally advise it. It helps to preface it with something like “I’d really like to see you again, and (not but) there’s something I want you to know about me.”
Don’t make it dramatic. Don’t make it some big confession. Don’t make it out to be something really awful that you’re sure she’s going to dump you for. You’re just telling her something about yourself that you think she needs to know. What she decides to do after that is up to her, and you can’t control it.
The reality is that many people still feel (falsely) betrayed by trans people who don’t come out to them. That’s their problem, not ours, but if you want to get over that hurdle and either move on with the relationship or move on to another possibility, I say the sooner, the better.
And if you have your “coming out” language already in place, it might still be difficult, but it will not seem like an overwhelming or impossible task every time. Good luck to you.
Readers, what thoughts or suggestions do you have?
I agree. I am on a dating website and have ‘the code’ in my name, but people don’t notice this. So in the first contact I mention this, and that begins or ends the relationship often. Without breaking any hearts, apart from shattering my hopes. It’s not so nice, but avoids later complications. Similar for sex dates. I do have the description on that kind of websites, but still people don’t always get it (how clear does it have to be? though some do not have English as their first language, and it is not the done thing in their culture), so for those I have photos of the appropriate region of my body to make it totally clear. Again to avoid embarassment.
An interesting book, novel, about someone who only came out to his wife, is ‘Trumpet’, by Jackie Kay. An amazing story.
I do not consider myself to he harboring a “deep dark secret,” but rather maintaining confidential & private medical information.
If I were not already married and selectively disclosing my transsexual medical history, i might prefer to not disclose, even with potential romantic partners, because being a man IS my true identity. There is no deception, IMHO.
As a post-op (phallo) guy, I do not believe my junk would be called into question. It looks and functions like a factory model with adjustments made for ED, which wouldn’t difficult to explain at age 46.
Good point, especially about the ED. I haven’t seen your junk. I suppose that’s too much to expect …
Who doesn’t want to see Zander’s junk?
but having junk is quite different from the question asked, no? Those of us who haven’t had that surgery have a different bridge to cross. Incidentally I am not keen on the use of the terms ‘pre-op’ and ‘post-op’ in this context. Me, I haven’t had the surgery, but I am proud of my body as it is (only just now had a fascinating chat with a guy who digs people like us – there are some around, including my current partner).
I understand it works for you but for me ‘digging trans men’ would be an instant deal breaker. I don’t want anyone to be attracted to my body parts I’m not comfortable with or treat me as anything else than a man, without any prefix.
well, everyone digs something. Obviously they have to offer more for a relationship, though for simple sex I am not bothered. What bothers me more, as a native German and naturalised Brit, is that 4 out of the 5 men that have had potential as partners, have either had (or have) German partners or are of German origin themselves. That bugs me more than the body thing.
A weird coincidence? Or maybe it’s a cultural thing. British people may think in stereotypes (which guys interested in you would apparently find attractive) and not be even aware of that and Germans may feel some sort of connection because of a common heritage.
Still, I’d rather have a man initially interested in me because of my nationality than because of a lack of penis.
I fear it is not a coincidence. It depends how you feel about it – for me, my former nationality is as welcome as my former gender which is why I aligned both. But I can live with my body as it is. Wish though I could align my accent as easily.
Good advice.
I don’t care for that first phrasing “I want you to know I wasn’t always male (or a man).” I think trans men were always men, they just weren’t living as men. So that language seems to mistate what gender identity is.
Also, there are men who have had metoidioplasty and scrotoplasty who have had intimate partners and doctors not know that they are trans too. “Atypical” physiology – whether after phalo or meta – does not always mean “trans” and many people will not see it as such.
That said, I agree with the reasons you gave for why you still might want to tell people.
Ehh, I am a fan personally of thinking of myself as a girl (though not a woman) up until about puberty and the stages of confusion before I came out (age 14). The phrase I like using is “girl who grew up into a young man”. Everyone’s different, so I guess Matt was trying to accommodate all sorts.
You made my day. I guess I’m not the only FAABulous trans person that thought of myself as a girl for the first 13 years. There are two reasons for this. First of all I was told that I’m a girl and I did not know that other possibilities exist. Also I had a strong desire to have an identity, and where I grew up, gender was the only piece of identity children can have. I therefore rejected the boys’ clothes my mom bought for me (she bought me boys’ clothes so that my younger brother could wear them when I grew out of them) and got mad at people that misgendered me for a boy because I had short hair and was agressive. I began to dress very girly at around age 10 and gradually began presenting more masculine at 13 and 14. By age 15, I was 100% sure that I was not a girl.
OK, one trans woman’s perspective- I certainly agree that always coming out is rather tiresome and will never end, not for me. For me coming out is a matter of honesty. I am not advocating coming out to everyone we meet and interact with on a daily basis. I share Matt’s thought that if folks have a problem w/me because I’m trans, it’s not my issue it’s theirs.
How can I possibly develop a good relationship with someone, whether friends or more, if I am not honest about who I am, including my history. If I am not honest about my past, there is so very much that we either can’t talk about or which I must lie about. I will never hide from my past, I even have pictures of “John” around the house. Heck, I even sign emails, cards, letters to my children as “Dad”.
So folks don’t get the wrong idea about my approach, there are some rather awkward situations which come up for me in which I am more than a little disingenuous. Primarily when I’m asked about how menopause is/was for me or about giving birth to my children.
I feel that my approach also gives me the freedom to no longer worry if I’m passing. I don’t care, I’m just me, for better or worse, and I love the person who I am and am becoming. I am free, free at last, no small thing at least for me.
We each must develop our own philosophy regard coming out. But, when developing your approach ask yourself if you were the other person what would you think, how would you feel, if you met someone who you enjoyed/liked but was not honest w/you?
I’ll admit I straddle the fence between being out and keeping it to myself. I would like to be out and open about my situation (and I am with friends), but post-transition I have learned that this brings obstacles I can’t seem to overcome. Being out means dealing with people‘s reactions and assumptions, and I don’t want to make it my life’s mission to teach Trans 101. On the other hand, not being out means I can’t readily share certain experiences and let people know how I relate (or don’t relate) to them. Also, being out to friends usually means I end up being out to their friends and relations by default, and it can end up feeling like I’m the elephant in the room sometimes. Lastly, being out to loved ones puts them in the position of wondering what to reveal or conceal from their loved ones. If I sound confused, it’s because I am. I find no simple answers to this situation.
As for what to reveal to a romantic or sexual interest, I don’t have that to deal with and don’t anticipate I will (maybe someday, maybe never), but if I did, I’m sure I would get that revelation out of the way early so as not to waste anyone’s time (including mine). I don’t do casual hookups, and anyone I would get involved with would have to know and accept ALL of me, including my past or it won’t happen.
You know, Matt, I’d be much more comfortable if you’d framed this as why *you* disclose at a certain point, not why it’s important for *all* trans people to feel and act like you.
While it’s comforting to pretend that disclosure before sex/kissing/going for coffee/passing someone on the sidewalk/whatever your personal line is will prevent bad situations from happening, that’s actually not how the real world works. There are a lot of people out there who won’t hesitate to fuck us up when they find out that we’re trans, regardless of when or how we tell them. One of my co-workers lost her job and apartment after she was viciously and systematically outed by a guy she’d never met who’d noticed “MTF” on her dating profile, for God’s sake. And Angie Zapata, may she rest in peace, was well-known for being up-front about her status with every guy she dated, but that didn’t stop Allen Andrade from beating her to death with a fire extinguisher when he ‘found out’.
In the end, cis people are always a safety risk, no matter whether we disclose or not. “Telling them that you’re trans will keep you safe” is too much like saying “Wearing modest clothing will keep you from being raped” for my tastes.
I certainly hope that not all trans people feel and act like me! That’s why I say “I think” and “I believe” instead of “you should” or “we should.” Safety is never guaranteed. Each situation is different and each person is different. Coming out does not guarantee safety, and sometimes it can compromise safety. Each person has to determine that for him/her/hirself.
However, I do think that, in a sexual situation, safety can be compromised if a person waits until he/she/ze is in bed (or elsewhere) with someone and comes out at that time, or something unexpected about the person’s body is “discovered.” I am aware of people who have been beaten or killed when a sex partner discovered that they were trans in a moment of intimacy. That’s why I believe that coming out prior to that time can head off this type of danger. The person who is not interested can walk away then, rather than become enraged later after feeling “tricked.” It’s still no guarantee. I think it is one safety measure that can be taken.
where’s the ‘like’ button?
Since you clearly missed it the first time: “you should disclose before sex” is the equivalent to “you’re asking for it if you go out wearing that skirt”. You can piss around and equivocate all you like, but it’s victim-blaming from top to bottom. And the idea that not disclosing is somehow ‘dishonest’… wow. I’d get better advice about dating while trans from my cat.
Don’t worry about replying to this, by the way; I won’t be back.
I’m not responding so that you will see this, because, as you said, you won’t. But I’m responding so other people will see this. I have never said that not disclosing is dishonest. I think each person should disclose or not disclose based on that person’s identity, comfort level, personal safety concerns (because you are right and I agree with you on this – disclosure does NOT guarantee safety and can compromise it), the situation at hand, and a host of other factors that are personal to each individual.
What I HAVE said is that other people sometimes see it as dishonest or as a “betrayal” or a misrepresentation. That’s their problem, not ours, but it can also compromise safety in a big way. It is NEVER the trans person’s fault that he or she was attacked or abused for being trans, whether that person comes out or not. The violence is something that we have to continue to work to stop. But in the meantime, safety is paramount. It’s a reality that we can’t deny, and we have to be mindful of it.
In this context I’ve just read the rather good ‘Trans/Love’, edited by Morty Diamond. It’s a collection of short accounts by people identifying as trans, who are describing their experiences or their feelings in relation to sex. So it’s wider than the discussion above, but very interesting.
Thank you Matt for this very helpful article! I too, transitioned many years ago and now present as very male. I transitioned and stayed with the same partner for five years. I have been single for over a year now and really struggle with that disclosure conversation. I feel that I have either waited too long to disclose, and then worry that they might think I’ve been lying to them, or I make a big deal about it by being nervous and dropping the “there’s something I need to tell you” bomb, which would make everyone fearful, while I stumble over my next not-so-eloquent words. Of course, I and everyone reading this, will certainly alter the speech to their own distinct phrasing, but I feel that I have a little better plan of what I’m going to say the next time.
Unfortunately, safety is always a concern. I do tell my partners in a semi-public place, like a park or a quiet coffeeshop and I do feel that lessens the chances of violence against me as I would hope someone would call the police if I was getting hurt physically. Does disclosing before going home with someone guarantee your safety? Sadly, no. But it just makes more sense to me than springing it on them in private. I’m sure that most of us on this forum have dealt with transphobia at some point and not one of us, especially Matt Kailey, would intend to “victim blame” any of our trans brothers or sisters who have died at the hands of hate-filled people.