Today is National Coming Out Day, and I am a vocal advocate of trans people coming out and being out. I think that the greater our numbers and our visibility, the more power we have.
However, I am also aware that many people do not or cannot come out for any number of reasons, including employment, family, personal safety, or simply personal preference. But for those of you who are out, let’s hear your best coming out story.
If you have been reading this blog for any length of time (thank you), or if have read a lot of my stuff (thank you), you are probably already familiar with many of my personal coming out stories. Below are three of my favorites so far:
> At the office: When I first decided to transition, I stopped wearing makeup and had my long, anchor-woman hair cut short – all in one weekend. I left work on Friday as a big-haired woman with flawless eyeliner, and returned on Monday as a short-haired, pale-faced person of questionable gender. The problem was that I didn’t tell anyone (other than my boss) what I was doing or why.
I’m not sure what I thought was going to happen (did I think that nobody would notice or care?), but I wasn’t expecting that the rumor mill would churn up my imminent demise. It turns out that, left to their own devices and with no guidance from me, people did their best to improvise – and what they came up with is that I was dying of cancer. I apparently cut my hair because it was going to fall out from the chemotherapy, and I stopped wearing makeup because it didn’t matter anymore.
When I finally came out to my little staff (I was a supervisor at my workplace) about a month later, I sat back and waited for the shock, disgust, and possible resignations. What I got instead was this: “We’re so relieved that you’re not dying that we don’t care what you do!”
Although it worked for me in the end, I would not advise this tactic. My own fear of being rejected led me to cause discomfort and even fear among those around me. Overall, I had a successful on-the-job transition and learned a lot in the process, but I would definitely do things differently if I could do it all again.
> With my friends: When I came out to one of my best straight female friends, she was less concerned about my gender identity, and more concerned about who I would be sleeping with.
“I guess you’re going to have to start liking women now,” she said (a bit hesitantly, as she slowly shifted away from me).
“Why?” I asked.
“Because you’re straight, and everyone knows that people can’t change their sexual orientation.”
She was confusing sexual orientations with labels for sexual orientations, but it really didn’t matter. We stayed friends, and that was the important thing.
> With my family: My parents are dead, and I always tell people, “Not from this.” But my sister had a couple of things to say – like “Are you sure you’re not just a lesbian?” and “Maybe you’re so mentally ill that you don’t know you’re mentally ill.”
Okay, it sounds bad, but it wasn’t. She was just concerned. When I pointed out to her that I had never been attracted to women and that I seemed to functioning quite well in pretty much every area of my life, she eventually relented. But there was some semi-estrangement that took a while to resolve itself.
Those are just some of my major coming-out moments. There will probably be many more, because for a lot of us, coming out is always coming up.
So let’s hear from you. What’s your best (or worst) “coming out as trans” story? Let us know in the Comments section.
Reblogged this on One HuMan's Journey and commented:
Come out come out wherever you are!
I was at an all male prison working with 70% male staff. I told all of my supervisors and several guys that mattered to me and then did a legal name change. After that I just corrected anyone who called me by name and let them figure it out one by one (that took about 24 hours and everyone got what was going on). The pretty much universal response was: “Well that just makes sense, I always saw you as one of the guys anyway”. I knew going in that our strong union presence and inti harrassment culture would protect me if nescessary but it turned out not to be nescessary anyway. So my coming out at work was the easiest part of it all. The only question I got was “when should I start referring to you as him” and I took 6 weeks off for chest surgery to create that turning point for myself and my co-workers. Even the inmates had no problem with it. They too always saw me as one of the guys.
i had started to tell a few close friends and some of my family. But I was really scared about telling my ex-girlfriend as we had a child together, and I was terrified about her stopping contact.
So after a month of agonising and plucking up the courage I told her. Her response “Finally”. Which is the second best response I got.
After that i changed my facebook just before my birthday. So on the day my brother came to see me. I opened the door and he said to me “What are you preop?”
“Yes” i replied,
“Great now Mum won’t be mad at me if I get a motorbike”
That is a most excellent answer to coming out, I think.
That’s a great response!
Ironically, the hardest coming out for me has been coming out to other trans women as a dyke (or Trans Tomboy, as I like to say these days) – nearly all of them so far have treated me like a teen girl who’s coming out to her parents, and said the equivalent of “it’s just a phase…” – they think when I feminise more(!) I’ll suddenly want to wear dresses and makeup and and…
By contrast, I’ve had the most easy acceptance so far from gay/bi women, who just immediately “get” me and seem really comfortable around me. I’m really grateful for this.
And when I told my brother (who’s all the family I have these days), he just said “I always wanted a sister.”
Aw, sounds like a cool bro.
It’s stupid, though, that some don’t understand that we don’t all fit into the same mold and just accept that you are who you say you are. Sadly, I think these women feel threatened by your differences.
Yeah, I think they’ve just been scared into thinking you have to present in a certain way to get accepted. Personally, I gave up on “passing” the day I stopped pretending to be a man
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It interests me that the trans men I’ve met seem to be a way more diverse and tolerant bunch. And there are plenty of trans women like me out there, just spread out over the planet a bit!
That’s really funny, some trans dudes I know just cannot stand most other trans dudes and feel that there’s a culture of elitism and conformity within the trans dude community! Just goes to show that our experiences are all very different and that there definitely isn’t one united face of trans men/trans women/whatever.
Yeah I know a few trans* that seem to have a hierarchy of trans in their heads…. which is just silly.
That’s fascinating! So in the end, it’s just people stuff, I suppose. Pack mentality turns up in all groups. And there are always plenty of people who aren’t buying into that, of course.
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There’s actually no reason why trans people *should* have that much in common with each other, outside of the broadest aspects of shared experience of being trans. So it’s okay. I’m reminded of a bisexual social group I went to once, where I felt I had nothing remotely in common with anyone there – and then I clicked much more a few days later with a bunch of people who like singing
I mod on a trans forum that has thousands of users, so it’s easier to find actual like-minded folk there than it is within one’s own locality – though most of them are the other side of the Atlantic from me. But having said all that, we are all still able to give each other a surprising amount of support.
I first came out to my partner and it went very badly for a number of years. (That has since started to come around.) Shortly after the first coming out I did so to my daughter. It was bad timing all around since she had just given birth a month or two previous. She was tolerant, then accepting and now is not only my greatest supporter but part of our community as one of the strongest allies anyone could meet. In fact, she is now dating a transman following the breakup of her marriage. For me, the really tough one was my son. There is always that special father-son relationship and one no one wants to derail it. He was my biggest worry.
About a year ago, I sat him down at the kitchen table on a sunny Sunday afternoon. My daughter was there as “moral support” and I truly needed it.
He cracked his usual sarcastic jokes but I wasnt laughing so he stopped and I began.
“I want you to know that you are my son, and you always will be. I want you to know you are loved.”
He shifted uncomfortably in his chair and the colour drained from his face.
“I also want you to understand that what I have to say, doesn’t change my feelings in any way.”
By now there were signs that the mood was shifting from concern to panic.
“I want you to know that there was good reason for all those very hard years while you were growing up. I didnt understand them myself until a few years ago but they are physical in cause. You see I am a transsexual.”
“GEEZ Pop! Is that all? I thought you were going to tell me I was adopted.”
And so it goes… I was prepared for the worst but not that one.
Way to go, Kimmie . . . scaring the kid!
Came out to my mom after not talking to her for a week. She was just so relieved that I was talking to her that she didn’t make much of a fuss. She also apparently wasn’t very surprised. I’m also very glad that I had a trans* friend come out to her and break her in first, so she understood what was going on.
I’m out at school, even though I’ve been passing consistently. I like to see people’s minds get completely blown when I tell them I’m trans*. I’m a little tired of having to answer questions about the fact that I am in fact a man, and yeah, I know I pass really well. I work hard on that! It’s an adventure in education, especially with the freshman here on campus.
When I came out to one of my closest friends from college, she was awesomely supportive and helpful and we became even closer friends.
What was funny is that when I told her my name (Liz) she decided to give me the nickname “Lemon,” since we’re both such big 30 Rock fans. And it let her refer to me in a gender neutral sense in places where I’m not out.
Great topic, Matt! I’m glad you thought of this. Some interesting stories here too.
I understand why your co-workers thought you were dying – that was a drastic overnight change! I eased into no makeup (not that I ever wore much – just mascara and a little lip color), my hair has been short most of my life, and no one had seen me in a skirt or heels since at least the Reagan years, so it was nothing dramatic when I came out at work. They never considered I might be trans, though (not really being aware of such). Instead, they assumed I was a lesbian – even though I talked about being attracted to guys all the time.
The responses I got were varied: some comical (my son said, “I always knew you weren’t like anyone else’s mother”), but most were confused, so I had to answer lots of questions . . .
“Does this mean you’re into girls now?”
“Nope, that hasn’t changed, I still like boys.”
“So then you’re a lesbian, right?”
“No, I’m the opposite. I’m a guy that likes guys.”
“But . . . you dress like a lesbian.”
“Oh dear God . . . ”
It took patience, but Chaz Bono’s coming out was a big help. Suddenly I got a lot of “Oh . . . NOW I get it.” Thank you, Chaz!
A friend’s husband told me I would now have to get a “real” job (he was kidding, but I do work in a predominantly female field) and another friend’s conservative 85-year-old father (who I’ve known for over 30 years) made sure to get my new name and pronouns right when I saw him in person recently (the first time since I transitioned), and asked if I would be offended if he gave me a hug hello. Not only was I not offended, I told him it was very considerate of him to inquire.
The main thing I learned is that people will surprise you and you can’t predict how anyone will react. Some of those I expected to have a problem with it were totally cool from the start, and some that I thought would be cool couldn’t adjust and are no longer in my life. The best comment I get is when someone says, “Hey . . . you’re really still the same person” (like most at my high school reunion told me). And I say, “Yes I am – just in a different package.” And they can relate – they don’t look anything like they did in high school either.
The first time I came out (as a dyke), I told my paternal grandmother before I told any other relatives, including my immediate family. My partner at the time thought this was inadvisable but I told her she did not know my grandma. Grandma’s main observation was that now I would not have to “change my last name and become a nobody” which made her happy. She also cautioned me on approaching my parents since they were “very traditional,” in her words (My words would be “fundamentalist Christians,” but that’s a whole other story).
Then just before beginning transition into a male-ish body, I came out the second time to my aunt before other family–she was always unflappable and not very interested in following rules, so she had no problem with it–and she excitedly asked, “Oh can I tell Grandma??” I said, “Sure, go ahead.” I was not there when she delivered the news, but her report was that Grandma exclaimed, “Well, won’t this be *interesting*!” And I wish I could replicate the tone in writing, but for my grandmother, “interesting” was about the best quality a thing could have, so make the expression as welcoming as you can in your mind’s ear.
Grandma died two years ago at 99-1/2 years old. I know many people’s grandmothers are special, so when I say that her memory deserves a permanent monument, I suspect others feel the same way about someone in their lives. But I really really do think that she should have one, so I guess it is up to me to make one of some kind.
Hey, I like this on Coming Out Day! I am out to some and not to others. What I call “being out” is that I have actually told people that I am trans. I have always acted and looked masculine all my life from age 10 on – the last 51 years. When I have tried to “look more feminine” I got remarks like, “That’s no you.” I really think that my family knows that I am trans but if they never actually say it, they can just pretend it ain’t so. Even now, I still look much the same but no more complaints about my haircuts as I got in the past.
I am actually “out” with most of the family members my age and younger. I have not actually told my aunts and uncles or many cousins. Because my family is spread so much around the country, I rarely see most of the family. Locally, I have an aunt and uncle, my brother and his wife (I’m out to them), one niece who I’m out to, and my mother who I’m not out to. My dad just died this past August and I wasn’t out to him. He thought I and my twin wore our hair so short was because we were blind and blind people couldn’t take care of long hair (sarcastic) not mentioning the fact that I wore my hair long back in the 1970s and again in 1994 when I didn’t know about trans at all.
I have been thinking about coming out to my mother but not yet. She needs to process her husband’s recent death before being confronted with the “death” of one of her daughters! So, coming out to her will be later. My T hasn’t caused such changes in me that she has noticed yet. Not good for me because I still get pegged as female – a lesbian.
Matt and Captlex, you both are right in how wwe can be surprised about how people will react to our coming out to them. It will be good when the day comes that we don’t have to actually “come out” to folks. We will just always be who we are from the start in early childhood and be supported for that.
I haven’t come out as trans yet to anyone beyond my domestic partners (and only indirectly to them). But at 16 I came out as lesbian to my parents. I told my mom while she was driving me home from the airport on a holiday break.
I don’t recommend that tactic. She didn’t wreck the car, but it did throw her a bit!
Thank you all for sharing these moving, insightful, personal, and sometimes funny coming out stories. I think it’s so important for us to hear each other’s experiences, and I think that it can give people hope and courage if they want to come out and don’t know how or what might happen. We’ve got plenty of room for more stories, so I hope we can keep it going!
It is ironic that National Coming out day is on my birthday. 1 Year ago today I came out to my therapist. After that it took 4 months to come out to family. The first family member I came out to was my father. My father is also a transwoman. I thought that it would be the easiest but I was wrong. Her response was “No your not. I looked for signs when you were growing up and did not see anything” She is starting to come to understand me. After that was my sister. Her response was “I knew something was different” They told my baby (30 years old) brother who to this day has not talked to me. I saved what I thought to be the hardest for last. My mother. After what she went through with my father I expected rejection. When I told her, she said “I have always known that.” I was surprised and delighted. She is more accepting and supportive than any other member of my family. She is taking me to have my first manicure tomorrow.
My best coming out story is about coming out to my brother. I told him over the phone on a day that I was really sick, so I don’t know what I was thinking, but I told him anyway. He later told me that he went through three stages on three consecutive days. The first day he thought, “What the hell did she say?” The second day, he thought, “OH MY GOD!!!” The third day, he suddenly realized, “I have a big brother!!” By the way, my brother’s husband knew I was a man before I did.
This is a bit late but…….I threw a small party for all my lady friends to come and have at my girl wardrobe. We had tea and scones that my husband made. Only one set of friends actually came, but I was happy to have them.