The holidays can be a rough time for trans people who are feeling alone and lonely, and if you’re one of those people, you might be making a New Year’s resolution to find romance in 2013. And while no one ever called me the world’s greatest lover (although I’m not aware of excessive complaints), I do have a few things for you to consider if a new relationship is one of your resolutions:
1. A storybook romance is not the end-all and be-all of your life. If you grew up with fairy tales and happily-ever-after endings, you might feel left out, or even like a loser, if you are not happily hitched in one form or another. But remember that the Western cultural model of a two-person, monogamous (and usually heterosexual) relationship is just that – one model.
A society decides what it needs and wants from its citizens, and then it propels them in that direction – through advertising, movies, television, and cultural storytelling. In Western society’s eyes, a romantic relationship between two people ensures a particular societal structure, order, and organization. It helps keep the gears humming and moves things along smoothly.
There’s nothing wrong with that, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting a traditional romantic and/or sexual relationship. But one-person households are on the rise in the U.S., and being single is no longer considered a “flaw.” So if you’re looking for a relationship because you want a relationship, go get ‘em! But if you’re looking for a relationship because you think you should be in one, think twice about letting your socialization control your social life.
2. There are many types of “successful” relationships. “Till death do us part” has long been the defining force of relationship “success.” The problem with this is that in order to determine whether or not your relationship has been successful, one of you has to die.
A successful relationship is not necessarily one that lasts a lifetime – it is one that worked for the time you were in it, and one that you were able to take something away from, even if that “something” is a hard lesson learned. So if you’re bemoaning the fact that you’ve never had a “successful” relationship, take another look and redefine “success.”
It’s likely that many of your past relationships were successful. And it’s likely that any new ones will be, too – whether they last a lifetime, a few years, a few months, or a weekend. Did you have fun? Was the experience valuable? Voila – success!
3. Friendships are often stronger, and last longer, than romantic relationships. Think about how long you’ve known your best friend. Then think about how long your most recent relationship lasted. If you’re feeling lonely, find a friend. While it’s true that, in most cases, you will likely be giving up the physical and sexual aspects of a romantic relationship, that’s why they invented sex toys – and they last longer and cost less than a high-end dinner and drinks.
Where do you find these friends? In places that interest you. Join an online chat group or a face-to-face social or hobby group that you like – a writing group, a book-discussion group, a skiing group, a religious group. You are likely to make good friends who have similar interests – and it’s just possible that you will meet a romantic partner as well.
4. Don’t settle – no matter how lonely you are. As trans people, we can be rejected just because we’re trans. But that doesn’t mean that we have to settle for the first person who shows an interest – unless we happen to be genuinely interested, too. If you find yourself thinking, “I better jump on this. Who else will want me? Who else will have me?”, then move on – this isn’t the person for you.
You decide what kind of person you want to be with, and then go after that type of person. That doesn’t mean that you will get the person of your dreams – one reason we have fantasies is to make up for the disappointments of real life – but if you hike every day and love the outdoors, you probably don’t want someone who expects you to stay inside and watch movies all day. If you’re a vegetarian who can’t stand the sight or smell of meat, you don’t want Ronald McDonald.
Guess what? You get to be just as picky as anyone else. Then, when you find that special someone, it will have been worth the wait.
5. Don’t rule out other trans people. Although many others don’t agree with me, I have never considered someone who won’t date trans people as transphobic. Now, that person might be transphobic, but not simply by virtue of having certain dating preferences. However, if you’re active in the trans community and you’re ruling out the people who you spend most of your time with, you’re dismissing a lot of potential great mates.
If you don’t want to date other trans people because you prefer a certain body type or history or whatever, that’s your choice. But if you don’t want to date other trans people because you think that they are somehow “lesser” than non-trans people, then you’ve got some inner work to do. Do that, then go out and date whoever you want.
Will you find love in 2013? Who knows? The future’s not ours to see – but it is ours to create. So go out and create the best year possible for yourself. When you are happy with your life as it is, a relationship, if you want one, will be the gravy – not the meat and potatoes (or tofu). And no matter what happens, you will always have you.
Happy New Year!
Number four resonates with me and something that I have stood by.
Happy New Year!
Another one to go with Number Four is to not act “desperate” for love. This can create a “I’ll settle for anything” feeling. I know a cis-woman who has done this with a cis-man who is very abusive and the woman seems to be happy to take the abuse. This whole thing can be a problem in the blind community because so many sighted people are turned off or scared of blind people – just like cis people are scared of or turned off by trans people. Ha! I get the double whammy in being both blind AND trans. But at my age, I have finally learned that I need to create my own happiness and have interests in life and I no longer fret about being single. Would I like to have a close, loving romantic relationship? Absolutely. But I will NOT settle for just anything or for someone who is abusive. I am open to anybody who is right for me trans or not. Happy New Years, everyone!
This is a great post, with helpful advice for EVERyone, Matt. Well done (as usual).
May I expand on #1? As a pagan, married to a cop, we brought our kids up to understand just how wrong mass media can be in portraying REALITY. (It’s gotten worse since they were children, not better, sadly enough.)
How often have you ever seen an accurate or well-thought out movie, TV show, or even book, on real-life witches, or rural county sheriff’s deputies? Not too damn much, if ever. The same can be said for trans individuals. Because the bottom line is just that, we’re all individuals, with our own stories to tell and live.
Yep you got this one so very right, create the reality you want, and if it involves a loving partner, go for it!
Julie
In a word, Matt, I believe that what you are saying is that real success in any romantic partnership ideally requires that each partner love themselves as unconditionally as they love their partner or, at least, aspires to do so, for that is exactly for which I am looking in my next romance. Still, if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out and I aspire that if that happens, it will neither be a measure for my own love of self nor for my potential partner.
Well said!
Point 5 makes for some sobering thinking. Thanks, Matt!
…though not because I consider trans folks as ‘lesser people’, I hasten to add, it’s more fear of even more complications, socially…
“But one-person households are on the rise in the U.S., and being single is no longer considered a ‘flaw.’ ”
It’s strange to me that the number of solo households is increasing when it’s becoming harder to do so financially. As a kid, I had one working parent and one stay-at-home parent, as did all of my friends and schoolmates. Now two working parents is the norm – not always out of financial necessity, but it’s a major factor. Many people say they wouldn’t make their bills if both parents didn’t work. I know middle-aged people who have taken in roommates to pay the bills, and that used to be something only young people did when starting out in life. Sorry, Matt, I know this is not the point of your post, but reading about the increase in single households, got me thinking about this.
Regarding your list here, number four is the most important IMO. I’ve seen over and over again that lonely people make bad choices – choices they probably wouldn’t make if they weren’t so desperate to find someone or weren’t pressured to do so by their peers and parents. Loneliness is painful, I’m sure, but look for ways to fill that void (join a club that meets regularly, meet up with a different friend each week, or whatever works for you) without settling for the next one who pays you a little attention. And tell those putting pressure on you to bugger off!
As for myself, I guess I’m a contradiction. I need to be alone most of the time, but I also require social interaction sometimes. I’ve always said if I ever married again, he’d have to live next door so I can send him home when I got tired of his company.
So I don’t have any advice for those looking for love – I don’t know how to find it, I don’t know how to keep it and I probably don’t even know what it looks like. I wouldn’t mind having a travel companion, though, but even that requires that I choose carefully. At the very least, it has to be someone who doesn’t mind doing things by himself when I want to do my own thing.
That’s my goal this new year: by 2014, I hope I have someone I’m comfortable enough to travel with – and money to go places, or it won’t matter.
Happy New Year to you, Matt, and to your readers worldwide!
P.S. Hi Julie!
*waves at the Capt and blows kisses*
(I would LOVE to travel!
Send me postcards, that’s LIKE being there.)
Hey Julie, I had the pleasure to both have friends when in college who practised Wicca, I had a pagan roommate in the 1980s. I enjoyed them alot. And I learned alot from them. Accurate things about pagans today is like trans things – our histories have been kept from us by the dominant culture and that is sad. I’m glad that things are changing though!
I think that everyone should live the best life he, she, ze can be and I hope that someday folks will just enjoy people for who they are rather than being bigotted.
Good post, Matt!