A reader writes: “First off, let me say I despise violence, drama, etc. My nerves can’t handle it, and being bipolar, it’s a huge trigger for depression, etc. Sadly, however, bigots even within our family are a reality.
“I have been on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) since 2001. And have had bilateral orchiectomy (testicle removal). If I could afford SRS, I would have it years ago. SSI (Supplemental Security Income) is all I get, however, and that ain’t a whole lot.
“So now my question: There have been times, and last week, where so-called bio women threaten me or even assault me. Then when I stand up for myself, there is almost always a man who steps in and says, ‘No, you’re a dude. You’re not going to touch a woman.’
“Are they right? Or do I have the right to assert that ‘Hey, I am too a woman and can defend myself against another woman like any other woman?’”
I’m sorry that you have had to deal with this. Assault is a hugely emotional and triggering topic, so I am going to preface this reply with a very big “in my opinion.” So here goes:
IN MY OPINION, a person who is being assaulted has the right to defend him- or herself, regardless of that person’s gender or the gender of the assailant.
That said, the way I see it is that there are two goals when a person is being assaulted: to stay alive and to escape the situation with as little bodily harm as possible. Given those two goals, the first and best response to a threat or an attack is to leave the situation, if that is possible.
If the assault is a threat, a shove, or even a punch in the mouth, if you can get away, you need to do so. Walk, run, whatever you need to do to leave the situation. Staying in the situation, or responding verbally or physically, can escalate it, leading to further assault and more danger.
If you can’t get away from the situation, then you need to do whatever you have to do to stay alive and minimize physical harm, whether that is fighting back or doing nothing. It infuriates me when judges or juries decide that a sexual assault isn’t rape because the victim didn’t fight back. Sometimes you don’t fight back, because to do so is to risk serious injury or death. You have to decide what the best course of action is in a given situation to come out of that situation alive and intact.
Although you didn’t say this, I am guessing that women are threatening and assaulting you because they see that you are trans. Maybe this is happening in the bathroom or other areas where they feel that you don’t belong. Of course, we know that, if you are a woman, you do belong there, but it’s often difficult to convince other people of this, and I don’t know if your state laws protect you. But even in places where the law protects us in theory, it does not always protect us in reality, so you need to protect yourself.
In saying this, I am not saying that you are to blame for these assaults. As I’ve said before, a trans person is never to blame for being assaulted because he/she/ze is trans. But there are two concerns here.
The first is that women can do a lot of damage to other women, and you could be seriously injured by these attacks. The second is that men can do a lot of damage to women, and if men are stepping in to stop you from defending yourself, you could be seriously injured as well.
So I would personally not recommend that you take up a gender argument under these circumstances. I don’t think you will have a sympathetic ear, and I think that you could be placed in even more danger. Based on what you’re describing, this is not a teachable moment. I would recommend that you walk away, and perhaps find friendlier places to go.
Now, I think that I will face some disagreement here with regard to fighting back, and you do, of course, have that right. But in the scenario that you are describing, I think that you could easily end up fighting with a man – or several. Your goals are to stay alive and minimize injury. In this case, arguing gender is probably not going to bring you closer to those goals.
In addition, we have seen some ominous consequences when trans people have chosen to fight back. Even when our motive is self-defense, we are often treated by the law as the perpetrator or the problem. So there are no guarantees that your right to defend yourself will be seen as such – by anyone.
Of course, if you find yourself in a situation where you can’t walk away, then you have to do whatever you need to do to protect and defend yourself – and only you will know what that is if the time comes.
I wish you the best of luck. Stay safe.
Readers – thoughts?
Assault is assault. Walk away when you ca, fight back when you have to.
Assault is indeed assault and every human being has a right to be protected from that. It does not mean resorting to fisticuffs yourself irrespective of whether you are cis or trans.
All police and self defence recommendations are to withdraw yourself from the conflict as best as you can if at all possible and once you are in a safe place bring the assault to the attention of the Police. In the UK, assaulting a trans person because they are trans is classified as a hate crime and as such offenders get punished far more severely but I read that many parts of the USA elicit a third world country approach – victimise the victim.
So, it always best for you to withdraw from the conflict asap and seek assistance, let us say, ideally from the police.
Another piece of good advice that Matt gave is to ensure you assess risk more i.e. avoid places where conflict might be heightened – again solid advice for both cis and trans folk. If you MUST go into high-risk areas or premises then never do so on your own – always have someone with you – in the UK it is called playing ‘Liverpool policemen’ – they never patrol rough areas solo – always in pairs for their own security.
At the back of my mind is the distinct feeling that in your past, punching someone back was your way of handling conflict. This was always the wrong strategy, even back then.
I highly recommend learning a non-aggressive means of self defense, like judo, aikido or tai chi (when taught as a martial art.) All of these use redirection and neutralization to deal with an opponent. You can stay safe, not get hit or kicked, and physically and verbally maneuver out of the situation all without hitting anyone or looking like an aggressor to a third party (including the law.)
First defense is to leave if it is safe to do so. Second defense is to talk calmly and try to diffuse the situation. If that doesn’t work-refer to the first.
You have every right to defense yourself, but as Matt said-that won’t necessarily work in your favor in the eyes of the law or bystanders.
As a trans man who was recently in a physical altercation with a non-trans woman (defending myself), I can tell you that the law is not always on your side. Thankfully my situation sort of worked out in my favor but that was after having to defend my actions to the college’s disciplinary committee and having it put in my academic record, which affects applying to grad schools. The lesson I (re)learned is that it’s not ok to fight back.
I am going to court in two weeks after being assaulted by a non-trans man where I did not fight back physically. I pressed charges instead.
I wish you peace on your journey. Life is short.
I agree with Matt and the commentors above. Defending yourself doesn’t always mean with force. The best defense is disengagement. Not a teaching moment is a very good way of putting it. IMO, violence is NEVER a solution. Physical self defense is merely a shield – it is not an attack back. It is a last resort IMO. Disengage and try not to put yourself in harm’s way if you know you may be doing that. Obv you have rights, but sometimes prudence is the best course. Pride comes before a fall right? Life is too short for fussin and fightin. Try not to let others drag you off your own path. Remember “never wrestle with a pig – you both get dirty and the pig LIKES IT!!” *hugs*
Matt, you are right on with this as well as the folks who have posted ahead of me. I studied Martial Arts (before my knee decided otherwise) and we were always being told by the instructor that 1- we were to NEVER to aggress against another person with our skills learned in class, and 2- our best first defence was to leave the situation where the threat is if at all possible. We are NOT being a wuss. Physical fights are not too healthy for a blind person to be engaged in but I do have skills learned in the event that I have no choice and was unable to get away.
The world being as it is, we need to do what we can to stay safe as trans people in an non-understanding world. For me, I try to stay out of dangerous situations and away from the people who thrive on this kind of drama. Life’s. Too. Short. Be safe, everyone!
I have to agree with the “take yourself out of harm’s way, if possible” answers here. It’s not always possible to fight back, it’s not prudent to retaliate with violence, and way too many of our people end up on that long sad list every November, so please walk or run away if you can. If you can obtain justice with the law, then go for that, but I hope no one is gathering up friends and waiting in a back alley to get back at an assaulter.
Also, be careful. It sounds simple, but way too many people take unnecessary risks IMO. While no city or neighborhood is completely safe, learn what areas are best to avoid (especially at hours when they may be deserted) and go with other people whenever you can. If you have no one else to go out with, then take a cab, get a ride or look for some other way to get from door to door so you won’t be vulnerable to attack. Not saying it’s your fault for going out if you get attacked, but please remove as many dangerous factors from your situation as possible in order to minimize the possibility.
My last point: I’m FtM and I realized one day that the way people look at me when I’m out by myself has changed as I transitioned. No more leering looks by creepy, stalker-ish guys, no more Spidey-sense tingling when someone seems to be following me on the street, etc. It’s a great relief, but I still don’t let my guard down because no one is completely immune – especially if I don’t quite “pass”. So I wonder if some MtFs, having lived with the reverse, haven’t learned yet to be careful because they never had to do so before and were never taught how (like my mom taught me). I hope no one takes that offensively, but I feel it needed to be said just in case.
My mom used to say that not taking precautions was courting trouble, so please be careful out there people.
As a transwomen I would not try and fight it out with anyone. The police and the law are rarely on our side. I don’t get into arguments with women about what I am. It is true that I was not born a women. A lot of lesbians say or feel the same way. All I say is that I’m a transwomen and please leave me alone.
Kelly
Actually, Caplex, you have a very good point about how MTFs aren’t taught in the ways females have to protect themselves. They were socialized as males in our society. We MTFs have been schooled in how to survive as females but we, too, must learn the ways to be safe out there as males. Maybe these issues need to be stressed even more at our support groups for those just coming out and the groups for those of us more transitioned or almost there.
Yes, the advice to stay away from trouble if at all possible works most of the time. Hopefully, I can remember this topic to bring to my own FTM group next week!
I have never been in this predicament, but yes, it’s a tough one. I think men who step in and say, don’t touch a woman are actually to be commended because the violence is almost always the other way, men on women or men harassing other men. I think the one thing you can do is diffuse it with humor, something like: “hey man, I totally am against violence against women, could use some advice here on how not to get hurt when the lady does not see it the same way.” Or, “how ’bout being a human shield between me and this delicate flower of a lady so you’re the one who gets his nose busted”. I tried this with an I think psychotic black guy on the bus who kept shouting that “no one effs wit me!” always a wonderful thing to deal with when you are a captive audience. He I guess felt my eyes on him and said “whatchoo looking at?” I smiled prettily and replied “I am obviously looking at someone nobody effs with”. It diffused the situation, and a few people chucked nervously, and he calmed down. I have to say I hang on to the extreme self-preservation that kept me out of harm’s way for the most part when I was a bio=female (have transitioned to male), and never fall into that mindset of nothing can hurt me ’cause I’m a man. I know the statistics are against men when it comes to living a longer life, and this is largely because of risk taking behavior.
I also have to add, that if you are dealing with the ramifications of being a transwoman who does not quite pass, yet, you do not understand how scary this can be for biowomen. Men are threatening to women in many scenarios. This is the way life is. I was often in situations where I was terrified of men even when they were not overtly aggressive. It could be just some guy standing oo close in an elevator. Black men in particular could set me off because I was harassed so often by men of color. You must given women some benefit of the doubt when you are in that most private of spaces: a woman’s rest room. I don’t know the best way to handle that, but you were not raised with that sense of distrust/fear of strange men, so you don’t get it. I don’t know what the answer is here, and I still make a tremedous effort not to use men’s public restrooms if I can help it. I don’t think I am going to get assaulted, but the whole thing makes me nervous. The restroom thing is really tricky. Best of luck to all of us trying to negotiate this stuff.
I’m sorry I have to say that I categorically disagree with haing to “understand” how my harassers may feel just because they think i look like somebody who once did them harm.
I am black and grew up with and around black men. Black men were my main harassers while growing up. I regularly experienced death threats and rape threats and physical attacks from black men and boys from the time I was 7 years old until about 21, when I started passing regularly (for a cis woman). I know what it’s like to see a group of young black teenagers and feel overwhelmed by the desire to get away. I know what it’s like to deal with triggers, to feel helpless, to feel like you are in danger with people others find harmless, and to worry about violence escalating in the most mundane situations. I have PTSD and its a daily struggle.
NONE of that gives me a pass on overreacting and causing the people who “triggered” me to be harassed or victimized. That is an entitlement privilege that needs to be called out and reigned in like any other.
Again, nearly all of my harassers were black men when I was growing up. That doesn’t mean that every black man I see has to understand what it was like for me and why I’m so scared to be near him. So if I see him walking down the street minding his own business and his skin reminds me of all the times somebody hurt me, I should be able to call the police on him and have him removed “just to be safe.” I mean, it’s not his fault, no offense, but he needs to understand how I’ve suffered and how scared I am!
Perhaps I wouldn’t be so inclined to feel empathy for the black men who, through no fault of their own, “trigger” me to panic by merely coming into my line of sight, if I wasn’t also black myself. I know exactly what it’s like to walk into a room and have people act as tho they are about to be mugged or assailed or suffer some thuggish indignity. I know what it’s like to be perceived as walking threat as a matter of course. I know how DRAINING and damaging that has been to my psyche. It is at the very least, emotionally abusive, and I refuse to do it to others.
The people who harassed me were all individuals, not some undifferentiated mass of black men, and to treat people who happen to fit the description of the “perps” as if their very existence is an assault… is to seek to wield a kind of power over another that NO ONE should ever have.
Thank you all for your replies, and I’m sorry I haven’t chimed in, but I read all the comments. This is a touchy subject, and I think it’s difficult to know exactly what to do until you are in the situation. But, as most people have said, I believe that the best thing to do is leave when you can. It’s not cowardly – it’s smart. When you can’t get away, you just have to use your best judgment regarding the best course of action. I wish you all safety out there.