A reader writes: “I came out as a transman to myself in 2009, to my (cismale) partner, friends, family, and work from 2010-11, started testosterone in 2011, all in the same town, so to know me as male was to know me as trans.
“In the summer of 2012, I moved 900 miles away from everyone I knew to start graduate school in poetry. When I applied, I was excited about exploring my trans identity through poetry and giving back to the community that helped me so much!
“Well, I got here, and I immediately found myself in full ‘stealth’ mode. I am happy to be seen as male, no questions, all the time. My partner and I are seen by everyone in our program, campus, and town as a gay male couple. This is exciting – and new – for me, and I figured once I settled in, I would get back to embracing the ‘trans’ part of me … but it has not happened yet.
“I have not shown a speck of trans poetry in any class, and I have not come out as trans to anyone here. I feel torn. I have lived about 25 years without being consistently seen as male, without being accepted as a fellow guy, without being able to embrace my self as a feminine queer man (and have it embraced by others), so in some ways, not being out feels great.
“On the other hand, I fear that someone will ‘find out’ and that their new knowledge will change our relationship; I feel silenced in my pre-move poetry; and, in a way, I feel I am not being truthful – but what right do they have to ‘know’ what I was assigned at birth? And, sometimes, I feel even more dysphoria, because I compare myself to other cismen – not transmen, as I more often did pre-move. I am on T, yes, but no surgeries for me, for various reasons.
“I feel stuck. I never thought I would ‘go stealth.’ I thought I was coming out here to write trans poetry to give hope to other transmen, but I do not feel that (as much) anymore. What should I do?”
This is a dilemma, and I think it’s one that many trans people have. The situation might not be the same, but the underlying confusion and contradictions certainly are. It’s a central problem with a lot of different “branches,” so I think the way to examine it is to break it down into its various components.
First of all, let’s look at what you said about feeling that you’re not being truthful. I think this could be a huge factor in the angst and indecision that you’re experiencing right now. Get that out of the way first.
You are being truthful. You have been living as a male publicly since 2009, and likely privately – in your head – for many more years than that. I am guessing that your paperwork, or at least some of it, says male. There is no dishonesty here. You have medically transitioned (taking hormones is a medical transition). You are a man.
Your surgical status doesn’t matter. Do you know what’s in the pants of all the professors and students there? I hope not. It’s none of your business, just like it’s none of their business what’s in yours. Being trans is just like any other medical condition, and you wouldn’t feel dishonest if you didn’t reveal your colostomy bag or your history of gallstones or your scars from open-heart surgery.
Whether you decide to come out or not, the first thing you have to do is somehow lose the feeling that you are being deceitful or dishonest in some way. Even if someone came right up to you and asked if you were trans, you could say no and be telling the truth. Many people who transition do not consider themselves trans after transition. They had a medical problem, they fixed it, it’s over.
So I would recommend working on that one, because I think that once you have resolved that in your mind, you will be ready to move on to consider the pros and cons of coming out with regard to your particular situation.
The second thing I would look at is coming out itself. You can come out at any time in your life – tomorrow, next year, ten years from now. But once you’re out, it is almost impossible to go back “in.” If you are truly enjoying your life as it is now, then sit back and enjoy it for a while. Coming out and living openly as trans isn’t for everyone. It might not be for you. Or you might decide, at some later date, that it is exactly what you want – and then you can come out.
As far as someone finding out, there is always that possibility. And it might not only change the relationship, but it could also spread around campus – people love to gossip, and they find this a very exciting thing to gossip about. Almost all trans people who live “stealth” (a word that I don’t like, because I think, by its very nature, it signals secrecy and possibly deception) live with that possibility.
But many people, trans or not, have something in their history that, if it came to light, could change the dynamics of their relationships and has the potential to negatively impact them in some way. If you come out, that could change your relationships with people. If you don’t come out, and someone finds out, that could change your relationships with people.
It’s a no-win situation that might not be fair, but it’s one that trans people have to live with. It’s one that you just have to file away under “if it happens, it happens, and I’ll deal with it then” and let it go. It’s one that you have no control over, so there’s no point in worrying about it either way. Say that serenity poem about accepting the things that you can’t change and move on.
As for comparing yourself to cisgender men and coming up short – cisgender men compare themselves to cisgender men and come up short. Trans men compare themselves to other trans men and come up short. Try to think back to when you were out as trans at your other school – did you really not ever compare yourself to non-trans men?
It sounds to me as if it has more to do with how you think other people see you. Perhaps in your mind, you think that if they know you are trans, they might not expect as much from you with regard to a “manly” presentation, or they might be more “forgiving” of any non-traditional characteristics that you might have. So you might feel more comfortable being out as trans because other people won’t compare you to non-trans men, and then some of the pressure will be off of you to conform to traditional “male” standards of appearance and behavior.
Comparing yourself to non-trans men, and the feelings of inadequacy that appear to result from it, seems to me to stem from what you are afraid that others are perceiving. But others already see you as a man. So this problem is in your head. Lose this, too. And have you seen some of those hot, hunky trans men out there? There are a lot of non-trans guys that I feel much better comparing myself to.
Now we come to probably the most meaningful piece of your dilemma – your poetry. A major goal in your life has been to write poetry as an openly trans man to benefit the trans community and to help other trans guys. Creating poetry, or any kind of art, is the height of personal expression, and you are unable to do it – or you think you are.
You have some options. You can publish your poetry under a pen name. Many people have done it and still do it. It’s true that you don’t get the credit or the accolades, but if you later decide to come out, you can take the credit then.
You can write your poetry and collect it in a large volume. Then, if and when you decide to come out, you can publish it, and you will have a large and impressive collection. You can also write it and just send it to your friends and family members who know that you are trans. This way, you are still sharing it, getting the feedback, and helping others, while keeping your private life private.
The one thing that you shouldn’t do is not write it at all. This is your means of communicating your experiences and it is your creative outlet. If you are a writer, you should write.
You end your letter with “What should I do?” I don’t know. Only you know what you should do. But it sounds to me as if you are feeling pretty good about the life you have right now, other than some self-doubt and some guilt. You have nothing to feel guilty about, and you should not doubt the path that you choose, no matter what it is. Whatever you decide, you should go for it and live it to the fullest, enjoying it every step of the way.
You have plenty of time. Take it. Examine all of your feelings and then decide on the best course of action for you at this moment. That course of action might change over time. All you have to work with is now. So ask yourself what you want to do right now, today, and then do that.
Readers, what do you think?
“Out” isn’t a state of being. It’s an experience we can choose (or have chosen for us, if we’re unlucky) to share with each other person we know, or not, as we see fit. If you choose to come out, you’ll find that you do it again and again and again, or not, with each new person you meet. I find that helps with the tendency to feel like I’m letting down the community by not “being out” 100% of the time. As Matt said, there’s plenty of time, and if I feel a reason to discuss my status with someone, I do; if not, I don’t. I’m not being dishonest in either case, I’m just being myself.
[...] Cross-posted from Tranifesto× [...]
In my mind the reader must make his own decision as to whether or not to come out as this is a very personal choice. There is no right or wrong way to be for the reader other than HIS way. My way of being trans, which is being very out, works for me because I feel like I am being honest with myself and others. For me, being out is also the only effective way for me to even begin to try to change the world by allowing people to get to know me as I am.
My personal motto is to live my truth openly, honestly, with my head held high, smiling along the way. In this way I am truly free. Never ever will I go back in that cold dark closet.
This is not to say that I go around waving a banner or that I always go to the podium to pontificate. When the time and place feels right I do not hesitate to let people know. One exception is medical people who usually say something like “uh, what does that mean exactly” or “wow, I’ve never met a real trans person before”.
I suggest that the reader not base his ultimate decision on anything other than what his gut tells him is right at the time. Trust, learn to trust yourself. I often find that quotes give me guidance and inspiration. Here are a couple which people may find helpful
“Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else’s.” Billy Wilder
“Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.” Eleanor Roosevelt
Whatever the readers decision, I wish for him a wonderful, glorious life.
I think if your instinct at the moment is not to be out as trans, respect that – but keep checking it with yourself. What would it mean to you to be out as trans where you are? I can well imagine the joy of simply living as your true gender, just to have that experience for a while. And I can see the tension that evokes too – so perhaps it’s a good opportunity for you to write poetry about that tension, as a way of answering your own questions? I agree with Matt – keep writing if you have things to say, and find an outlet that doesn’t out you. Don’t punish yourself for not being sure – but keep the questions open, use your creative strengths to explore this.
I’ve been there brother! It is not an easy dilemma you find yourself facing.
Like Matt, I dislike the term ‘stealth,’ I prefer to use ‘no or low disclose,’ it more accurately matches my experience. I find myself telling people, who already know I am a man with a transsexual history, that being “out” as a dyke for 19 years was my way of telling people who I AM, but telling people now, 7.5 years on T and post-op (bottom, top and hysto), would be telling them who I WAS, because once I reveal my trans medical past it shadows every interaction thereafter with the person. I am not interested in having that discussion over and over for the rest of my life!
That does not mean that I am not involved in trans community, I am, just in way that works for me.
No one else has to live your life brother! Do what works best for you and your partner. You want to be a gay man or a trans gay man? The decision is yours and yours alone. IMHO.
From what I understand (I may be wrong) is that the asker is having a hard time reconciling his not being visible or even out as trans and being able to express, through poetry, something very core to his identity. I can relate in some ways, because I am a vociferous trans blogger, activist, educator – I give talks and go to conferences – yet most of my friends don’t know about any of this. At times it feels like a split persona. It’s not that I’m ashamed, or hiding – but as Matt said, once it’s “out” it can’t come back “in” – so for now I’m holding off on revealing this part of my life.
That said, there are ways of expressing your identity through poetry that aren’t necessarily overt. Perhaps take it as an exciting challenge – how to write about the experience of being trans, without explicitly labeling it as such, in a way that everyone can connect with it.
Anyway, this was all loosely my interpretation of the situation… take of it what you will…
Best of luck!
Matt,
While I’m not saying that my experience can work for him, I thought the best response to his inquiry was to relate my experience with my own dilemma. I am very much in the same place as you, Matt, being I am very open and candid to those who know me both ways and through my blog and Facebook page, but I also enjoy the anonymity of being “just one of the girls.”
I recently got my first job as my new authentic self and from day one I was just “one of the girls”, which pleased me to no end. I was so successful in this “stealth mode” that I did not want it to end, yet there came a point where my integrity to being authentic demanded that I let my new-found girlfriends in on “my little secret.”.
Despite the fact that I lost my wife to cancer the very next week, to whom I referred as my partner with female pronouns, with the implication in mind to appearing to be lesbian, people noted how happy I always seemed to be when I came to work and one by one I would respond by saying in some fashion “There is a very good reason, I’m transgender, I so love being a girl, and this is my first job since my transition began last year.”
The point I’m trying to make is that I believe we each have our own level of comfort/discomfort and I believe we should respect that foremost to any other consideration. The important thing to remember is that being “authentic” is not the same as being “truthful” and does necessitate that we wear our “truth” on our sleeve, to borrow a phrase. It means that we first hold true to being comfortable with our own authenticity and the rest will follow in its proper time and place and not a moment before.
Deanna Joy, starting my second joyful year, madly in love with myself.
Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and personal experiences, which are always very helpful to the writer and other readers. The variety of people’s experiences really helps provide options and other things to think about.
I received an e-mail from a reader who said that I could post this comment on the blog if I didn’t use any identifying information. It’s a question, really, but others might have it as well. The reader wrote me:
“Hello Matt, I may be reading too much into one of your more recent comments in the article “Should I come out or stay in?”
“You are being truthful. You have been living as a male publicly since 2009, and likely privately – in your head – for many more years than that. I am guessing that your paperwork, or at least some of it, says male. There is no dishonesty here. You have medically transitioned (taking hormones is a medical transition). You are a man.”
I am referring to your comment “(taking hormones is a medical transition).” I transitioned 12 years ago, but have for various reasons not had surgery of any kind. As I am a baby-boomer, I am beginning to deal with Social Security. While I had no real problems amending my name with them I have since learned my gender marker does not match and therefore I may encounter difficulties when I have to rely on Medicaid for health benefits in a few years. Sooo, when you stated “(taking hormones is a medical transition)” I latched onto it as a possible solution.
However, in researching Social Security requirements for gender marker changes it is still saying I need a letter from either my doctor, or a surgeon stating I have had surgery. Can you shed any light on this?”
What I meant by “taking hormones is a medical transition” is that, just because a person doesn’t have surgery, that does not mean that the person is not male (or female), at least for social purposes, and in some cases, for legal purposes. Some people think that you haven’t “transitioned” unless you take hormones AND have surgery, and I think that’s problematic, because people can’t have surgery for many reasons.
BUT there are certain government agencies that do not consider “just” hormones as a transition. There are certain states that will not change a birth certificate without a surgeon’s letter and there are others that will not even change a driver’s license. The Social Security Administration says that it requires a surgeon’s letter.
Now, I know people who have not had genital surgery who have had other surgeries related to transition, and who have supplied a letter from that surgeon to get a birth certificate or driver’s license changed (that’s how I got my birth certificate changed). In many cases, the government agency simply requires a letter saying that the person has had “irreversible surgery” related to sex reassignment. It’s the “irreversible” part that’s important.
I don’t know, however, whether or not Social Security will accept this type of letter. I only recently found out that I have a “no match” for gender with Social Security, so I will probably eventually have to have that taken care of. What have people done with regard to changing gender markers for the purpose of Social Security?
Now, “I know people who have not had genital surgery who have had other surgeries related to transition, and who have supplied a letter from that surgeon to get a birth certificate or driver’s license changed (that’s how I got my birth certificate changed). In many cases, the government agency simply requires a letter saying that the person has had “irreversible surgery” related to sex reassignment. It’s the “irreversible” part that’s important.
I don’t know, however, whether or not Social Security will accept this type of letter. I only recently found out that I have a “no match” for gender with Social Security, so I will probably eventually have to have that taken care of. What have people done with regard to changing gender markers for the purpose of Social Security?”
That’s how I got my SS info changed. When I first tried, I was told I not only needed a surgeon’s letter, but also the doc’s surgical notes and possibly even illustrations (??!!). At that time, however, things were beginning to change but, unfortunately, there didn’t seem to be a universal government policy yet so people in different parts of the country were getting different answers. I tried again a year later after I got my top surgery with the surgeon’s letter (no notes or illustrations) stating that he had performed “Irreversible” (yes, that’s the key word) sex reassignment surgery on me (with no specifics as to area of my anatomy) and this time the SS office didn’t even hesitate or question it.
Thankfully my doc knew the exact language that was needed (’cause I wasn’t sure) and it worked perfectly.
NCTE http://transequality.org/ and the Transgender Law Center http://www.transgenderlaw.org/ are both excellent resources for up to date info on legal issues such as “no match” letters.
I’m in a different situation from the asker, but at one point I can relate- as an artist I have struggled with the same conflict between the personal honesty that is part of all good art and the threat of being outed by that. It has certainly affected my art, and that’s very difficult for me to take, because I was never a coward when it came to art. But trans, for me, seems to be different from all other intimite matters.
This undermines my self confidence and self respect as an artist. I haven’t found a solution yet, espiecially today when it has become near impossible to compartmentalize our lives. If you are out in your art, and publish, chances are high that you are out absolutely everywhere.