A reader writes: “I have questions, but have never had the strength or will to voice them and ask. I am, of course, a genetically born male, and most of the time I’m fine with that. But more often, in recent months, I’ve felt that it’s not right. I feel like there is a feminine side of me that is screaming to get out, like it’s trapped.”
“But it’s not just a matter of acting more feminine. I don’t want to say it’s genetic, but that’s the best way to describe it. I used to chalk it up to just being a sensitive guy, because I am. I have more in common with more girls I know than I do with guys. But lately it feels like there is more to it than that.
“It’s an uncomfortableness with my own appearance as a man. But then that leaves me for a few days, then returns. It has gotten to the point where I’m confused about myself. Not sexually, though I know that has nothing to do with gender, but I am confused genderwise.
“But then at the same time, I’m scared. I don’t know if I’d be happy if I started to transition, but I do know I don’t feel right the way I am now, or I don’t think I do. I don’t know what the right choice is right now, and believe me I’m not asking you to tell me exactly what I should do, but I am asking for your guidance, and maybe asking someone who might have been in the same spot I am.
“I know that ultimately it is my decision and only me that knows what I should do. But I could use some help, even if it’s that I’m not looking at the right things or asking the right questions. If I’m not, the what are those things? Those questions?”
As you said, only you know what is right for you, and you might not know that right now. There is no hurry, so take a breath and realize that finding out what to do is a process.
You say that you want to hear from someone who might have been in the same spot that you are right now. I can honestly say that a great many trans people have been in the same spot that you are right now. So you’re not alone.
I don’t know how old you are, but I think you are an adult. In many of the books about transgenderism and/or transsexuality, and in many of the personal accounts that you might read or hear, you will find that, for a large percentage of trans people, these incongruent feelings – “My identity and body don’t match” or “Who I think I am and who I’m supposed to be are not the same” – started in childhood and have been persistent throughout life.
But that is not the case for everyone, so don’t let that steer you in the wrong direction. For some people, gender issues manifest in adulthood, for whatever reason (and one reason could be just out-and-out denial until then). It doesn’t matter why. What matters is that it’s happening, and it’s happening now. So now you need to deal with it.
I’m not a doctor or a therapist, and I know you know this, but I have to make that disclaimer before I continue. There are a few things that really stand out for me in your letter – something feels “trapped” inside you, it’s more than just “acting more feminine,” it seems “genetic,” it “leaves, then returns.” These are very classic “signals,” if you will, of a gender identity issue.
Of course it’s scary. It’s okay to feel scared. I know very few people who have not been scared by this, at least in the beginning, as they were starting to come to terms with it. But if it is truly a gender identity issue, it won’t go away. It can be wrestled underground for a while, but it will continue to return. So that’s why you have to deal with it – but on your own schedule and in your own way.
You don’t have to transition. Because trans people who have transitioned are so prominent in the media and elsewhere, it sometimes seems to people that this is their only option – I have to do this, then I have to do this, then I have to do this. You might eventually decide that this is the path for you. But understand that it is one possible path of many.
You don’t say whether or not you have been presenting or dressing as female, even in the privacy of your own home, but that might be one place to start – to safely express this identity and see how it feels to you. What does it mean to you to express yourself as female? Does it mean a certain type of clothing, makeup, jewelry?
You can get some inexpensive clothing and jewelry at a thrift shop and some inexpensive makeup at a dollar store. Don’t spend a lot until you know for certain that this is right for you, and until you know what the female you likes and is comfortable in.
Another thing that I would recommend is trying to find a support group in your area for trans women or questioning people. Yes, it will be scary! But remember when you walk in that everyone in that group was terrified at one time, and look where they are now.
Being around trans women – seeing them in “real life,” hearing their stories, and finding out what they went through – can help you decide whether or not you can relate. Is this you? Are they where you want to be?
I would also recommend doing some research on crossdressers and on bigender people. Can you relate? Do either one of these things ring true for you?
And, although some people do not agree with me, I’m a big proponent of therapy – if you can find the right therapist. Although the future of transition seems to be informed-consent clinics, most doctors still want a therapist’s letter to prescribe hormones or perform any major surgeries.
For someone in your position, who has not grown up with these feelings and is not unshakeable in your certainty about your situation, I think therapy could be very helpful.
You asked about the right things to think about and the right questions to ask. I think what you should be thinking about is exploring the various explanations for what you are feeling – by reading books, looking at websites, and attending support groups. And the questions to ask are “Is this like me? Can I relate? Are these my people?”
Don’t rush into anything. There is no hurry. And don’t let anyone tell you that you must transition or that you have to transition in a certain way. If you are getting that kind of pressure, go somewhere else.
Take your time and look at this as an exciting new challenge – a quest to find out who you truly are. I wish you the best of luck and I hope that readers have some other thoughts and experiences to share.
[...] Cross-posted from Tranifesto× [...]
Absolutely agree; try a therapist. There are services out there with sliding-scale fee structures, so it does not always need to cost the earth
What you described pretty much sums up how I feel about my identity, except I am genetically female and exploring a male identity. I also agree with the therapy. Since you said you’re “screaming to get out”, it sounds like you really need to talk about this with someone. Have you told anyone yet? Whether that means a therapist, a support group, or a trusted friend, it’s a huge relief, trust me. When you talk about it, you don’t even need to pick a label, such as “trans” “woman” or “genderfluid”. Just describe the feelings you’re having and say you maybe aren’t sure what you want to do at this time.That is perfectly fine! Just remember, if you are going to talk to a friend, put safety first in deciding who, when, and where.
i think a therapist might help you. shop around, though, and see if you can find someone who already knows stuff about trans* issues. i think you’ll be fine as long as you don’t see someone who makes you feel unsafe/judged or who doesn’t know much about trans* issues.
i found my therapist by googling “trans*-friendly therapist (insert name of my city).” then i emailed her to ask her some specific questions about her knowledge of trans* issues. she’s awesome. plus, she charges me less than a third of the going rate cuz she knows i can’t afford much.
i also suggest reading as many blogs as you can. natalie reed (http://freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed/) has some great stuff in her archives. my friends reneta (http://renetaxian.wordpress.com/) and em (callmeem.wordpress.com) are also pretty awesome.
take care, op! <3
I think most people – especially those newer to the concept of transgender / transsexual identity – forget that transition isn’t an overnight thing. It’s unfortunate that the way transitioning is presented in the media and such is an extreme “shock value” kind of transformation – but it can take years for someone to make those outward changes, not to mention the inward ones.
Transitioning is gradual. You can take baby steps first, as many as you need, to get to where you’re more comfortable, then a few more.
I agree with Matt. What you are describing screams out that you are having some kind of gender identity issue.
Definitely find a trans friendly therapist. You may need to contanct a trans group in your area for a recommendation. About 8 years ago I was feeling pretty much as you describe. I know that fear lol! Now I’m a very happy woman. Which is not to say that you need to follow the same path, but a proper gender psych will help you with your feelings and assist you to be wherever you truly want to be.
FYI This is how I describe what happened to me. If it is relating, well you know what it might mean……
The femine side, whispering at first, then over time getting louder and louder until it is literally screaming for release. That was the true me screaming for release but it felt like a separate entity at the time. Crossdressing becoming more and more intense, wearing female clothes more and more, at home everytime I could. The realisation that these guys…..what are you…I’m not connecting and then the realisation who you are connecting with…….It was a very confusing frightening time, which is why you need the therapist. Just to talk things through.
Know what you are feeling has been felt by many others, some trans, some perhaps finding other outlets for their feminine side. Whatever path you choose that feminine side needs a release.
Hi there.
I went through my life thinking I was a transvestite despite having very little in common with ‘other’ transvestites I met and then at the age of 48 I felt as if I was drowning and felt unable to continue living and working as a man. I transitioned and have been living contentedly as the woman I now realise I should have been from the beginning.
I live in the UK and the availability of counselling or therapy just was not there in the early 2000s but nowadays with the acceptance that transsexual people have a medical condition as opposed to some strange fetish there are many more therapists skilled in helping people with gender variance issues.
There are three things I can recommend and Matt has already mentioned them
1 : Counselling or Therapy. Ideally with a qualified practitioner with experience of gender variance.
2 : Socialising. Join online groups and get out to meet people who are trans – all sorts of trans – transsexual, genderqueer, bigendered, transvestites and agendered people. Everyone’s journey will be different but common to all is how people overcame society’s hostility to those who breach the gender binary and developed pride and respect for who they are themselves, free of shame, free of fear of ridicule and free of the cycle of denial and purging so common in trans folk.
3: Read. There are a few good books around, one of which is called True Selves by Mildred Brown
True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism–For Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals
There is also the excellent Gianna Israel Gender Library preserved online in tribute to the now sadly deceased therapist
http://www.firelily.com/gender/gianna/
Finally, please accept that denying your true gendered self is not the best recipe for contentment though neither is transition. Both states have their pluses and negatives and only through counselling can you arrive at a balance that might settle your restless mind.
The secret is to Manage your condition and one that is never going to leave you.
I have no idea where you are in the world but there is a very active forum in which ts women contribute a lot called http://www.tvchix.com . It is a predominantly UK based site but we do have Support and Medical Forums for T>F people.
x
Nikki
I suggest trying to do a “mini-transition” by yourself rather than jumping straight into transitioning (exploring your femining side at home, and *if it’s safe to do so* you could try to present in an increasingly androgynous way. Mostly try to do what makes you feel more like yourself, not what society tells you a female “should” do.) Seeing a gender therapist (and being honest with them) could be a good idea too.
I don’t know if you speak spanish but my advise shall be in that language and it goes something like this “child sueltate la trenza”
Plus one recommendation for True Selves
I also recommend “Finding The Real Me” by Tracie O’Keefe and Katrina Fox. Both great books.
Finding the Real Me: True Tales of Sex and Gender Diversity