Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘Commentary’ Category

Readers: What Would You Be Happy Never to Hear Again?

Posted in Commentary, Observations, tagged , , on April 22, 2013 | 64 Comments »

happykid1A friend of mine told me about a workshop she had been to where participants were asked to tell each other what comments they would be perfectly happy never to hear again for the rest of their lives. The activity was based on what marginalized group or groups a person belonged to and what things people said to that person because of his/her/hir membership in that group.

It sounded like a fascinating exercise, so I decided to try it out here. You don’t have to be trans to participate. Regardless of what group or groups you belong to or identify with, I would love to hear in the Comments section what questions, phrases, or comments you could happily live the rest of your life without ever hearing again.

As a trans person, my top one would be “You’re so brave.” A close second is “I would have never guessed (that you were trans).” Don’t worry if you’ve ever said these things to me. I’m not upset. But I would get along just fine if I never heard them again.

And I have one more that has nothing to do with being trans. As an old(er) person, my number one would be “You’re not old!” Yes, I am.

I love being old, and I say it quite a bit: “Well, I’m old, so I remember that” or “The good thing about being old is that you don’t have to worry about that” or “I’m old, so I didn’t grow up with the Internet.” Then someone (always much younger) will say, “You’re not old!” – as if being old were a bad thing. It’s not. It’s way better than you think.

So let me be old. You’ll like it when you get here, too.

Readers, this post is short because I want to hear from you. What would you be happy never to hear again as long as you live?

Read Full Post »

Five Attributes of Trans Allies

Posted in Commentary, tagged , , , on April 15, 2013 | 19 Comments »

handshakeLast week in my Transgender Studies class, and also at a Diversity Day presentation that I made on the Auraria Campus, we talked about allies.

In my opinion, allies are an important component of any group. They add numbers, they add voices, and in some cases, they bring a certain amount of power that is lacking because of the way that a particular group is seen in the “mainstream,” where the group is trying to gain at least equality, if not acceptance.

That last contribution is unfortunate, but true. Without allies, many groups would not be able to move forward as rapidly and as successfully as they do with outside support. Allies are an important component of any movement. I have written about allies before, but I think it’s always a good time to revisit the topic, so I would like to outline what I consider to be five important attributes of trans allies:

1. A trans ally acknowledges his/her/hir own power and privilege and is aware of it, but also acknowledges ours. In other words, a trans ally understands that we are not victims and don’t need rescuing, but also understands that the support of allies is beneficial to our community.

Trans allies prefer to help us develop and utilize our personal power in situations where they have it and we don’t, rather than take over and wield their own power while we are silenced. I have done many co-presentations with non-trans allies (who are all fantastic, by the way), and a couple of time, I have felt almost used as a poster child to make a point about the injustices to which trans people are subjected.

While I appreciate the recognition of those injustices, and while I appreciate that non-trans people just learning about the topic might be more open to receiving this information from another non-trans person, I also feel that this drains my own personal power and removes my voice – and I do have one – from the conversation.

Of course, not all trans people have the same level of personal power, and for each of us, the amount of power we have depends on the situation at hand. But when we do have it, we need to be able to use it. (more…)

Read Full Post »

Transition: ‘Going Back’ is Not ‘Going Back and Forth’

Posted in Commentary, News, tagged , , , , on April 8, 2013 | 22 Comments »

MaleFemale2One recent news item making the rounds is the story of Daniela, now Jait, Jr., who transitioned from male to female in his teens and has now transitioned back to male in his early twenties. This “detransition” was documented on MTV’s True Life: I’m Questioning My Gender Again.

I haven’t seen the show, so I can’t comment specifically on Jait’s situation, but of course, that doesn’t stop me from commenting completely. While “detransitioning,” or what I would call “retransitioning” or maybe “going back,” is not common, it does happen, and it can garner just as much sensationalism as transition itself.

Trans people sometimes cringe when something like this happens and is made public, because it can be used as fodder by those who want to point to a select, and very small, group of people and say that this is one reason why transition is not okay – because a person might regret it later.

So how do we respond to that – both publicly and internally? How do we reconcile these “detransitions” with what we know to be generally true about the need to transition? And how do we deal with detractors who jump on these very rare situations as if they were proof of transition’s folly and trans people’s “confusion”? It shouldn’t surprise my readers that I have some thoughts:

> First of all, I would like to point out that “going back” is not “going back and forth.” A Huffington Post article about Jait says, “Jait isn’t the first person to have gone back and forth like this,” and then points to sports journalist Mike Penner, who transitioned to female and lived as Christine Daniels before retransitioning and later committing suicide.

While it’s true that, particularly in decades past, some people have started transition and then stopped due to lack of resources and support, then later started again, this is far less common today, when information and resources are plentiful. And it is still not “going back and forth.” (more…)

Read Full Post »

Some Realities About Public Restrooms

Posted in Commentary, News, tagged , , , , on April 1, 2013 | 16 Comments »

WomenIt’s 2013 and we are still arguing over the right to eliminate.

Colorado has some of the best laws in the country around the protection of trans rights, and our public accommodations law covers transgender and transsexual people, but we are still doing battle over bathrooms. Most recently, a six-year-old girl has been the target of discrimination when, despite our laws of protection, her school is not allowing her to use the girls’ restroom.

And now the state of Arizona, which brought us the most discriminatory racial-profiling bill in recent history, is back at it with SB 1045, which originally mandated discrimination against trans people and would pretty much force everyone, trans or not, to haul their birth certificates around with them in order to use public facilities.

Rep. John Kavanagh, a sponsor of the bill in the state legislature, has now “softened” it to allow, but not force, businesses and organizations to discriminate. He claims he did this in the face of public outcry. (Did he think there wouldn’t be any? He doesn’t know our Arizona trans community very well.)

So just as Colorado proves that a public accommodations law is not going to stop discrimination against trans people, Arizona is letting us know that it really doesn’t care.

And in the trans community, we know that laws such as the one making its way through the Arizona state legislature will negatively impact trans women the most. We also know that these laws are almost always based on an underlying premise of sexual predation.

In the face of all this, I would like to reiterate some of the points I make in Five Points for Non-Trans People About Public Restroom Use and add some additional points here:

> I lived as a girl and a woman for forty-two years. In that time, I used public women’s restrooms tens of thousands of times – at school, at work, in restaurants, in bars, in the mall, at concerts, and at every other possible public venue. In all of those years, not once – not once! – did I see the genitalia of anyone else in any of those restrooms. Over a period of forty-two years, I had no idea who was in the bathroom with me or what the other bodies in there looked like – nor did I care. (And I didn’t show anyone mine, either.) (more…)

Read Full Post »

Ask Matt: Why Would Anyone Want to Alter His/Her Genitals?

Posted in Ask Matt, Commentary, Information, tagged , , , , on February 25, 2013 | 14 Comments »

Question MarkA reader writes: “So, like, what would motivate someone to want to alter their body and ‘gender’?

“Like, I am bisexual, so I get the whole orientation thing that could be involved, but what is the emotional motivation? What is there to gain over such high risks like excessive judgment or even physical acts of aggression against someone who alters their genitals?

“Personally, if anyone ever even tried taking something sharp to my crotch, I would probably kill them because I wouldn’t want my reproductive organs to be altered in any way … so what would make someone want to alter something so biologically important on an instinctual level?

“Not hating on tr***ies, just tryin’ to understand this crazy world.” (Asterisks mine – MK)

I’ll be honest with you here. I really appreciate you writing, I appreciate you reading my blog, and I appreciate you trying to understand. I value all my readers, and I value all their questions. Even so, my first impulse in responding to your letter came from the deep, dark, shadow side of me, and that impulse was to respond like this:

“So, like, what would motivate someone to want to sleep with both men and women? Like, I am trans, so I understand the whole born-this-way thing that might be involved, but what’s the emotional motivation? What is there to gain over such high risks like excessive judgment or even physical acts of aggression against someone who, probably at least sometimes, sleeps with or loves someone of the same sex?

“If anyone tried to make me sleep with a person of a certain sex, I would probably kill them, because I wouldn’t want to change my sexual orientation in any way … so what would make someone want to go against something so biologically important on an instinctual level?

“Not hating on bis, just tryin’ to understand this crazy world.”

But then I realized that this response would be inappropriate, that it really wouldn’t serve to educate anyone, and that it might end up turning people off when they really do want to understand. So please forgive my evil-twin shadow self, and let me really answer the question.

Although gender identity and sexual orientation are two different concepts in Western culture, one of the things that they share is that neither is a choice. Another thing that they share is that, based on them, people are subject to excessive judgment and even physical acts of aggression. (more…)

Read Full Post »

Looking for Love in 2013? Five Things to Consider

Posted in Advice, Commentary, tagged , , on December 31, 2012 | 10 Comments »

20033064The holidays can be a rough time for trans people who are feeling alone and lonely, and if you’re one of those people, you might be making a New Year’s resolution to find romance in 2013. And while no one ever called me the world’s greatest lover (although I’m not aware of excessive complaints), I do have a few things for you to consider if a new relationship is one of your resolutions:

1. A storybook romance is not the end-all and be-all of your life. If you grew up with fairy tales and happily-ever-after endings, you might feel left out, or even like a loser, if you are not happily hitched in one form or another. But remember that the Western cultural model of a two-person, monogamous (and usually heterosexual) relationship is just that – one model.

A society decides what it needs and wants from its citizens, and then it propels them in that direction – through advertising, movies, television, and cultural storytelling. In Western society’s eyes, a romantic relationship between two people ensures a particular societal structure, order, and organization. It helps keep the gears humming and moves things along smoothly.

There’s nothing wrong with that, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting a traditional romantic and/or sexual relationship. But one-person households are on the rise in the U.S., and being single is no longer considered a “flaw.” So if you’re looking for a relationship because you want a relationship, go get ‘em! But if you’re looking for a relationship because you think you should be in one, think twice about letting your socialization control your social life.

2. There are many types of “successful” relationships. “Till death do us part” has long been the defining force of relationship “success.” The problem with this is that in order to determine whether or not your relationship has been successful, one of you has to die. (more…)

Read Full Post »

Ask Matt: Does My Body Determine My Support and Social Groups?

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, Commentary, Observations, tagged , , , on October 29, 2012 | 19 Comments »

Question MarkA reader writes: “I am an FAAB (female-assigned at birth) genderqueer individual who is also gay. I never pretend to understand being trans, transitioning, and all of those experiences that I will never have.

“However, I got a kick in the gut tonight from very good friends (four lesbians, one gay guy) who completely slammed the whole trans umbrella.

“They essentially said that they do not believe that trans women belong in spaces such as the women’s group at the LGBT center, and same for trans men with the men’s group. I asked where I fit, and they were like, ‘You have a vagina, don’t you? With the women, duh.’ I felt like my entire identity was invalidated in that moment by the last people who should be doing that.

“But then they made what some would consider a valid point: trans women grew up with male privilege, and that is something cis women have never had. Trans women wouldn’t know anything about menstruation and other issues that happen in that department that cis women want to discuss.

“It went on and on in that vein, with the main point being that the experience of the cis woman versus the trans woman is very different. Just as someone who isn’t transitioning wouldn’t go to a group for transitioning trans people, why should trans women go to a group for women of cisgender experience?

“Now, I am still stinging from the invalidation of my gender identity in the course of this conversation, and perhaps you can help me here. Am I overreacting? I know they are my friends and they never meant to make me feel that way. Are they entitled to this opinion that since I have a vagina and was born with one I should box myself into the women’s group and that trans women don’t belong there? Are they wrong for saying this? Am I wrong for being pissed?”

My short answer to the questions you ask in your last paragraph are: probably not, yes, no, and no. Here are my long answers:

> You are probably not overreacting, because your gender identity was indeed invalidated by people who you consider to be your friends and who probably consider you a friend. But true friends recognize their friends’ identities and don’t gang up to exterminate those identities. (more…)

Read Full Post »

Ask Matt Potpourri: Short Questions with Short Answers

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, Commentary, Information, Observations, tagged , , , , , , , , on September 24, 2012 | 2 Comments »

Question MarkI have several Ask Matt short questions, from voter laws to pronouns to sex drive, that have relatively short answers, so I am putting them together in an Ask Matt Potpourri, and am hoping that readers can help out as well. So here we go:

A reader writes: “I am coming out late in my life. I am 65. I am on phytoestrogens. I am an avid shopper for feminine clothes and such. I am totally happy, but money is a big issue. Any suggestions you could give me would be a big help.”

I turn to my trans women readers for some shopping suggestions, but I always recommend thrift stores, such as Goodwill or ARC, for clothing needs, particularly in the early stages of transition. Money is often tight for trans people, and many of these second-hand stores have fantastic clothes as bargain prices. They also have sale days or senior discount days, where prices are reduced even more.

And even if money was no object, I would still recommend thrift stores for both men and women just beginning transition. Hormones change the shape of the body, redistributing fat and increasing or decreasing muscle mass, so it’s almost counterproductive to spend a lot of money on a new wardrobe when you don’t know what your body will look like in a year or two. That great dress, shirt, or pair of jeans that fits now might not in a few months. Your tastes might also change as you move through your transition. So don’t make a major investment up front, and go where the bargains are.

A reader writes: “I’m a teen FTM and I’ve recently switched to male pronouns (my friends and family on board, of course). Although whenever someone is talking about me with ‘he’ and such, I often forget that they’re talking about me at all! I’m so used to ‘she’ that I haven’t really connected with ‘he’ yet, even though I want to. Is that a normal feeling for a new trans person? If so, how do I get used to my new pronouns?”

I think this is very normal, because “she” is all you’ve ever known. When I started transition, I sometimes even referred to myself as “she,” and I often turned my head when people said “Jennifer,” even though they were talking about someone else. I also turned around when people said “Ma’am,” even though I knew they weren’t talking to me. That one actually took a couple of years to go away entirely.

As a teenager, your brain is still developing, which is actually a positive thing for you, because it might make it easier to form those associations with regard to your new pronouns. But it’s still going to take time. The more you hear them, the more familiar they will become, and the more they will seem like you. You will “grow into” them.

Be patient. The brain is extremely adaptable, but it also needs time to adjust. Give yourself at least a few months, and soon you won’t even acknowledge female pronouns, because they won’t seem like “you” anymore. (more…)

Read Full Post »

The Michelle Kosilek Decision: More Than the Needs of the One

Posted in Commentary, News, tagged , , , , on September 6, 2012 | 54 Comments »

Our community seems sharply divided on the recent decision by U.S. District Judge Mark Wolf to allow convicted killer Michelle Kosilek to undergo transition surgery while in prison, paid for by the state of Massachusetts.

I understand the anger and frustration of those who have worked three jobs, sold their possessions, and still can’t afford to pay for this surgery. They think, “I have been a law-abiding citizen all my life and I can’t afford to have surgery, but a convicted murderer can get it for free? How fair is that?”

Probably not all that fair, actually. But, in my opinion, the Michelle Kosilek decision is about far more than one person – one murderer, even – getting her transition surgery covered by the state. I think there are some points that we have to look at with regard to this decision, all of which take Kosilek out of the equation entirely.

1. First of all, we have to examine whether or not federal, state, and local governments should pay for medical care for their prisoners. If the answer is yes, then the decision could go no other way. If transition is, in fact, medically necessary, and if, in fact, a civilized government provides health care to those who it incarcerates, then the government must provide medically necessary care to all its prisoners. It cannot discriminate on the basis of some false morality, or on the “worthiness” of the individual receiving the care.

We either treat our prisoners humanely or we don’t, and providing necessary health care is the humane thing to do. It’s not a matter of who “deserves” it and who doesn’t. It’s a matter of whether or not we are going to provide it to our prisoners – period. (more…)

Read Full Post »

Ask Matt: Is ‘Atheists Only’ Discriminatory Dating?

Posted in Ask Matt, Commentary, Observations, tagged , , on August 27, 2012 | 35 Comments »

Question MarkA reader writes: “My question is handling prospective relationships across different faiths, and faith vs. no faith. Personally, I prefer to date other atheists. I have a very painful past with religion. However, I get a lot of flack for making organized religion a deal-breaker. Here are my reasons for that:

“1.  I am a militant, hardline atheist. I don’t make any apologies about the fact that I did a lot of research over the course of three years into the Abrahamic faiths, and I learned a lot that most believers either don’t know or choose to ignore.

“2.  I have PTSD when it comes to churches. I literally cannot go into one without taking a Xanax and hoping it doesn’t wear off and I don’t have a panic attack.

“3. When someone is heavily faithful, it permeates every aspect of their lives, and, by default, the lives of those close to them. I don’t see how this could be avoided.

“4. I want to understand my partner on a deep level in every way possible. Dating a faithful partner would mean that there is a deep part of her, and something she holds very dear, that I cannot understand, and, in some ways, don’t even have a whole lot of respect for.

“5. I view religion as a huge reason for the oppression of LGBT+ people in America and around the world, and I really can’t see it being anything short of masochistic to participate in a system of beliefs that, essentially, finds my mode of living and the very core of what I am to be some kind of offensive abomination.

“Now, do you see these reasons as valid for making religion a deal-breaker when searching for a mate? If not, why not?

“Also, I have been accused of being discriminatory, but I put it into the category with all other deal-breakers. For instance, I don’t want children, and don’t date women who have or want children. Nobody seems to have a problem with that. Why is it a problem to make religion a deal-breaker, but not kids? I’d love your perspective, as well as that of your readers, on this issue!”

First of all, it is my opinion that anything a person considers to be a relationship deal-breaker is valid for that person. No one should have a relationship, or even a date, with a person in order to avoid accusations of prejudice or discrimination, and no one should have to justify why he or she is not interested.

This is why I have no problem with a person who says that he or she does not want to date trans people. I don’t consider this to be transphobic. Now, this person might be transphobic, but not simply by virtue of not wanting to date us. Everyone has a right to his or her personal preferences. (more…)

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 2,778 other followers