Comments for Matt Kailey

Comment on Ask Matt: A Question for the Questioning by Lyn

Lyn — Wed, 22 May 2013 00:04:50 +0000

I grew up in the 1950s and 60s when there was NO information on any type of LGBT or trans stuff with the exception of the two famous trans women in the news. And they were looked at like freaks. However, I “felt” male but not a stereotypical macho male – never that.

I, too, went through thinking i was a lesbian but not a radical feminist one. Those were humorless, mean women and I certainly didn’t identify with being mean to people with being a lesbian. I hung out with gay men and lesbians who were also politically progressive. I adopted the soft butch look of androgynous folks and was attracted to same. The radical LFs were so hostile to me that i left the LGBT world for over 20 years. I still looked kinda butch but tried to be a female and christian and got involved in that for years. I even forsook my politics and was immersed in the conservative world.

Only in 2009, at age 58, after many depressions and low self esteem, I found the trans community at Pride (was there with my Democratic Party club) and my whole world changed for me. I realized that all along I was male but now i knew what it was called – to be male inside a female body; transgender – and i started going to the support group. I was shocked to find others like me and who had histories like mine. Over the last few years, I have been starting my transition – hormones, name change – but not surgery yet. Now, at 62, I am happy with how things are progressing and no depressions anymore. I am out to all my friends and most of the family and they all saw in me the thing i refused to see myself for so many years. I am my own kind of man and I don’t really adhere to the societal version of what a man should be and do. I LOVE looking male although no way male enough as i get pegged as female too much still. Well, I do live in an LGBT area of town and that is common to be perceived as a dyke. I still enjoy my crafts and crocheting. Men can do these things!

I have just lived and continue to live my life as I see fit and who I naturally am and will always do so. And I have come full circle back to my progressive politics, ditched religion, and being LGBT.

Comment on Ask Matt: Life Insurance for Trans People by Raychel Sampson

Raychel Sampson — Tue, 21 May 2013 23:40:39 +0000

I don’t remember who the carrier was, but there was a case in Florida several years ago of a Transwoman who successfully sued for the right to have her risks/premiums calculated as a woman.

Comment on Ask Matt: Life Insurance for Trans People by jilldavidson53

jilldavidson53 — Tue, 21 May 2013 22:23:38 +0000

It was much more difficult when my partner passed. She had insisted on burial (having to do with her religious beliefs – and by golly, I was going to honor her wishes). But after a 30 year diagnosis of hepatitis and two kinds of cancer, she was never able to get life insurance. I had to come up with $10,000 on my own, while deferring insistent calls from her orthodox relatives who wanted her to have a ritual bath (an expense that I refused). One of the reasons I stay loyal to my employer is hidden in the fine print of their policy in me is a $4,000 policy on each of my dependents, which helped a lot (they also hired a private law firm to help me get trans medical exclusions removed from our health policies when I filed a discrimination complaint against them). Anyhow, don’t avoid getting life insurance. Your survivors will be appreciative.

Comment on Ask Matt: A Question for the Questioning by Adela.

Adela. — Tue, 21 May 2013 21:37:07 +0000

I never thought I was trapped in a male body. I always had very girly figure and mentally there was no doubt in my mind I was a girl. I come from a very small town in Cuba where my family was well known and every person knew I was “different” or a “refined boy” from that family. Of course boys called me names and then later on had sex with me. I also got into many fights as a kid. Some asses I kicked real good some other times my ass was kicked, overall I learned how to defend myself pretty good. I went to a boarding school when I started 7th grade and was only 11 years old. There I discover that I wasn’t really a girl but I had sexual power over the boys so I never really behaved like a guy neither was I into sports which made my queen status very well known among the 750 kids from ages 11-19 in that school. I only made the volleyball girls team once in 8th grade and lasted about two weeks ha ha. They hated me in that team. In boarding school I dated the same guys my girl mates in school dated; we talked about it like nothing was wrong, well nothing really was. It wasn’t until I got to the US the I was labeled a “gay man” which I totally resisted. It was 1980 and I was 20 years old. I was never a gay a man perhaps a homosexual or a nelly boy a chacha queen but gay dude; no way. Of course I didn’t got much sex then because I wasn’t going to the gym or knew how to drive; things I never done. Neither I wore International Male clothes or had a short hair cut with highlights. I had long blue black hair to my waist shaved my eyebrows and was into vampires, Gothic music and loved Norma Kamali big shoulder pads t-shirts. When I hit my 30′s I started to feel odd and sad about my body. My body hair was taking over and it wasn’t cute like once was in my early 20′s. I finally made it to therapy and there I remembered the girl I was supposed to be. My biggest fear then was that my friends weren’t going to accept the new me. I made a huge deal out of that. Funny when I told them they all said the same thing “OMG finally … we knew you were a woman all along”. Because my family was out of the country I really didn’t have to deal with them that much. I told them way after. I was in hormones already and living as a woman. They too were OK with it; but disliked the name I chosen for myself. They wanted a more american type of name lol. My other huge issues were finding out that I had to use a brassier every day, deal with uncomfortable shoes, and how much women are discriminated against in this society. That is why I’m an activist for women rights and can only wear flat shoes anymore.

Comment on Ask Matt: Life Insurance for Trans People by dentedbluemercedes

dentedbluemercedes — Tue, 21 May 2013 20:47:28 +0000

If they’re being straight with you and don’t have trans-exclusionary policies, then no, it shouldn’t change your risk level. But if you admit to experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of gender dysphoria, this can easily be turned into a yes.

That’s the most general answer — policies will vary per company and per jurisdiction. It may also depend on who you speak with there, depending on how much power individual staff have to affect your policy.

Some insurance companies and links to their resources on trans-related coverage: http://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/finding-insurance-for-transgender-related-healthcare

Comment on Ask Matt: A Question for the Questioning by AP

AP — Tue, 21 May 2013 06:37:44 +0000

New commenter here! I usually only read this great blog, but this topic here is related to something slightly different that I’m dealing with right now, so I thought I’d comment for once.
I’m a trans man, and I, like Matt, grew up without knowing that there was any kind of way that I could possibly be anything else than a woman. I simply didn’t there was such a thing as transitioning until my mid-twenties, so I just thought “okay, you feel this weird way about your body and your identity, deal with it.” And on top of that I was ashamed for many years, didn’t want people to find out that I was “a freak” (yes, that’s how I thought about myself).
From the moment I identified the source of my intense discomfort, I started identifying as a trans man.
But this background has made coming out “fully” to other people very difficult for me, and I made a huge mistake, that I just want to caution everybody from making: I came out in stages to my family and friends. Stupid idea, really, don’t do it!
I did it because their background is the same as my background, so I just wanted to ease them into it, because I knew it would be so unfamiliar and weird to them. But it was such a mistake!
I started with just saying I had some gender-issues, then I progressed to changing my name and so on, until I finally broke it to them that I am going to transition medically. And that step-by-step approach has left them doubting me, thinking me “confused” or thinking that it’s not really serious. My mom refuses to use male pronouns, my dad smirks condescendingly every time he says my name…
They are good people, so they are not doing it to be cruel, they are doing it because my “easing them into it” left them not really understanding the seriousness of the situation. And there’s no way I can make them understand now. No matter how many times I tell them it’s a life or death issue to me, they react the same way they would to a teenager saying that a pierced eyebrow is a life or death issue.
So if there are some people out there not out yet: no matter how ignorant your family and friends are of trans* identities, in some cases it might be better to just break the full truth to them the moment your know it yourself…

Comment on Ask Matt: A Question for the Questioning by Meike

Meike — Tue, 21 May 2013 03:22:02 +0000

I would direct readers to my blog (esgibthope.wordpress.com) or my YouTube (username MxtrMeike13) for more in-depth descriptions about my identity. But here’s the quick and dirty version:

I identified as female but NOT feminine for 20 years. Shortly after my 20th birthday I started questioning my gender, and by the time I was 21 or so I was starting to toy with alternate gender identities. I went by androgynous, then gender-neutral or genderweird, and finally gender-neutral transmasuline (or neutromasculine). However, I started medically transitioning 8 months ago, and since then I’ve started reconsidering my identity. I’ve identified as trans, denfinitely. But I don’t feel comfortable calling myself a man, and I don’t know if I ever will, unless I preface it and say “queer male”, which I’ve been leaning towards a lot lately. I’ve never identified as FTM.

For me, the hardest part was that period between 21 and 22 years, when I couldn’t find a name for my gender identity. Once I discovered I could be both gender-neutral and trans(masculine) I felt a lot better. Since medically transitioning it’s been less of an issue for me, because I’m not focusing as much on my identity and more on making the positive changes I need in my life, such as testosterone and surgery.

Comment on Ask Matt: A Question for the Questioning by maddox

maddox — Tue, 21 May 2013 01:03:53 +0000

I’ve written a lot about this on my blog (neutrois.me).

My personal journey I think does not fit the standard blueprint for transition, and that’s one reason I decided to write about it.

Comment on Ask Matt: A Question for the Questioning by Riam

Riam — Tue, 21 May 2013 00:58:32 +0000

(afab nonbinary person here) In the beginning of middle school, I started questioning my sexuality and came to the conclusion I was bisexual. Then in the second half of middle school I only felt attracted to girls–but I was never comfortable with applying the term “lesbian” to myself, I’d just say/think “I like girls.” Then freshman year of high school I had an epiphany and realized I wasn’t a girl at all. At that point I stopped worrying about my sexuality and started examining my gender. I started out with the label androgyne, and flirted with others. Also, I became more comfortable with my femininity as well as masculinity. At this point, the labels that I identify with include trans, nonbinary, genderqueer, genderfluid (because I became aware how much my gender shifts around, mostly I’m androgynous but sometimes I’m male, or female, or both, or neither, or closer to one than the other, or something else entirely). Androgynous still works for me, but I don’t use it as much anymore. Also, I started out thinking I wasn’t going to do much in the way of physical transition, but as I learned more and examined my feelings that changed. By now I’ve been on T for 6 months and then stopped when I was satisfied, and had top surgery. I’m very happy with where I am right now in regards to my gender, and have very little physical or social dysphoria anymore. Strangers are unsure but mostly read me as a feminine boy–which isn’t quite right but is a lot closer and feels better than girl, while people in my life use gender neutral pronouns. Pretty much no one uses female pronouns for me anymore, which is excellent since those are unacceptable. Male pronouns by strangers aren’t perfect but they’re good enough. As for my sexuality, I pretty much like people of lots of different genders.

Comment on Ask Matt: A Question for the Questioning by James

James — Mon, 20 May 2013 22:07:27 +0000

When I started to question my gender at age 18 I spent a whole summer identifying as ‘androgynous’ and using that to let me explore my gender identity. I knew I did not identify as female but I was not sure if I was male either. At first it was confusing because it was a temporary identity and that is what it felt like. I wanted to figure out everything right away. But it is okay to not have it all figured out, and once I let myself believe that I had a lot of fun being ‘in between genders’. But it got difficult after a few months when I realized it wasn’t enough. I wanted to do everything; get surgeries and take hormones and transition to male. That is when things got seriously difficult, because it wasn’t about exploring myself anymore. It was about figuring out a plan.