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Posts Tagged ‘coming out’

Ask Matt: What Are the Most Common Trans-Related Questions You Get?

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, Information, tagged , , , , on March 11, 2013 | 18 Comments »

Question MarkA reader writes: I’m FTM, still in the closet, and I was wondering: What are the most common questions you get? I would like to know because I want to be able to think about questions that I may get asked when and if I come out of the closet.”

The questions never stop coming, and sometimes I still get caught off guard. Because I live in this “trans world,” I forget how little people actually know about this issue, even today. The good thing is that people are asking them, which means that they want to know more.

And although we all get tired of answering them sometimes, I try to look at the positive side of being a walking and breathing Google search engine – at least people want to be educated. And this is never a bad thing.

The questions I get depend in large part on what I’m doing. If I’m in an educational role of some sort – speaking in front of a group or to the media, for example – I would say that the top ten questions are as follows (in no particular order):

1. What does transgender mean and what is the difference between transgender and transsexual?

2. Who are you attracted to and who do you date?

3. How old were you when you “knew”?

4. Have you had “the operation”?

5. How did your family react?

6. What discrimination/prejudice have you experienced?

7. What do hormones do? Do you have to take them for the rest of your life?

8. What are the health risks of transition?

9. How did you feel when you “knew”? What was it that made you know that you were trans (or a man)?

10. What are some of the differences you see between living as a man and living as a woman? (more…)

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Ask Matt: Talking to My New Love About Her Transition

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, Observations, tagged , , , , , on March 4, 2013 | 7 Comments »

Question MarkA reader writes: “I recently met a wonderful person and we’ve begun dating. The first time things between us became sexual, he told me that he has gender dysphoria and is currently taking female hormones.

“This news, though unexpected, really has not changed my opinion of or feelings towards him in any way and I remain pretty smitten with him.

“We’ve been seeing each other for about a month now and it has been very nice to see him grow more comfortable with me, although I have been wondering – how do I talk to him about his transition?

“This is all new to me and I’d like to better understand his plans and process and let him know that I’m 100 percent supportive of the changes he’s making, but I am not sure if I should initiate these conversations or wait for him to, considering we are still relatively new to one another.

“He seems a little hesitant to make things ‘official’ between us, at one point saying, ‘Who wants a relationship with someone with that kind of baggage?’ (Well, me, for one … duh). Any tips on how to handle this? Do I start the conversation or do I wait for him to? I wouldn’t want to put him in an uncomfortable situation. Doing my best to research as much as possible because he’s a very special person and I’m lucky to have him!”

This is always a tough one, because you want to be supportive, but yet you don’t want to be pushy and invasive. But there are a couple of things that I’m seeing here that I would like to point out:

First of all, you are using the male pronoun to refer to this individual. In your original letter (which I edited for length), you say that this person has only come out to a select few people, including close family. All of this makes me assume that she is not publicly living as female, using a female pronoun, or using a female name. I am also making the assumption that she is not presenting as a woman to you yet, even in private.

Maybe she never will present as a woman full time, but if she has already started to use estrogen, my guess is that she is on some kind of a path, and that this path could lead to living full time as a woman. Before you push for this relationship, you have to be honest with yourself about how these major changes might affect you. (more…)

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Ask Matt: I’m Not a Lesbian – I’m Trans

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, tagged , , , , , on February 21, 2013 | 6 Comments »

Question MarkA reader writes: “In sixth grade, I came out to my best friend as a lesbian. Since then I have embraced the fact that I am attracted to women, and most people who are close to me or at least have some sort of friendly relation with me have figured that out. I don’t attempt to hide it, but I don’t make an attempt to spread the knowledge actively.

“However, in the middle of my tenth-grade year, I figured out I wasn’t a lesbian, I was transgendered. It just clicked for me and I then slowly realized that being a lesbian and being trans are two entirely different things!

“Now almost a year later, I am faced with a dilemma: EVERYONE THINKS I’M A LESBIAN. I tried coming out to my best friend a few months ago, but he was pretty unresponsive and now still refers to me as a lesbian because I don’t think he really realizes the massive difference.

“Since then I have come to further accept trans as my identity and want to come out to close friends as trans instead of lesbian because, well, I’m not a lesbian, and it bugs me to be called that because it refers to an entirely different population. How can I try to bring it up again to my friend, and then come out to others?”

Your situation is much more common than you might even realize. Many, many trans guys have come out of the lesbian community. It might have been more prevalent before the Internet offered so many resources for young people to explore and identify what they were feeling, but I think it is still common today.

Young people (and some older people, as well) can get gender identity confused with sexual orientation. It’s pretty normal, when you find yourself attracted to girls, for your first response to be “Okay, I’m a lesbian.” It’s only when you claim that identity and realize that it still doesn’t fit that you realize there’s something else going on there and you start to look deeper.

Before the Internet, many trans guys were isolated, with no resources and nowhere to find information or answers. Lesbian communities were at least visible, and being a lesbian was the only thing that made sense, even though it still didn’t feel quite right. So you have a lot of people who came before you who moved through a very similar situation. (more…)

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Ask Matt: Coming Out as a Public Figure

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, tagged , on February 18, 2013 | 5 Comments »

Question MarkA reader writes: “My question concerns coming out. I am a trans guy in my early 40s. I started transitioning medically about a year ago, and have started to have all the usual changes (voice, build, hair, etc.).

“While I’m no Lana Wachowski, I am a public figure. What I mean is, I have published books and other things under my female name, and in the small universe of my particular expertise, I am fairly well-known. So I have accepted that ‘stealth’ will never be an option for me.

“I have now ‘come out’ to everyone I can think of whom I care about personally, including people in my profession. But I have avoided making a public statement or putting anything on the web because a) in spite of everything I am a very private person, and b) even if I did want to make a change to my web presence, I can’t think of a simple, professional way to announce the change without making it into a big deal or draw unwanted attention.

“At the same time, the situation is getting critical: people who know me through my writing who meet me for the first time are getting very confused, and other acquaintances are feeling (I sense) confused and annoyed because they don’t know what to do with my obvious changes.

“Do you or your readers have any suggestions for how to come out as trans as a public figure with an established identity? Any suggestions for phrasing on a website or byline? Making a speech at the Academy Awards is not an option for me, unfortunately :) So I need to find a way to sort of ‘slip in’ information about my gender identity in as modest and laid back a way as possible.”

This is a great question, and I hope that readers have some good advice. I was not known publicly prior to my transition, so my web presence, my books, and everything else that I have done has been since my transition.

But I can say that it does reach a critical point when people start to become confused, annoyed, or even scared by obvious physical changes that they can’t explain. In my case, I didn’t come out at work until after I had made some major changes, and the rumor got around that I was dying of cancer (regular readers have heard this one before).

When I finally did come out, fearing the worst, my coworkers and staff were so happy that I didn’t have cancer that they were not at all upset by my transition. The most politically and religiously conservative of my staff – the person who I thought would be the most judgmental and might want to quit when she found out her supervisor was trans – said, “I’m so glad you’re not dying that I don’t care what you do.”

Now you are at this point – you have to say something. And this would be my recommendation: (more…)

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Ask Matt: Names, Labels, and Identities

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, Information, Observations, tagged , , , , , on February 11, 2013 | 7 Comments »

Question MarkWe have two reader questions in one post today, and in order to catch up with my backlog of Ask Matt questions, I will be posting a Thursday edition this week as well, so be looking for that.

Readers, as always, your insights and experiences are much appreciated, so please join the conversation in the Comments section. And here we are with today’s questions:

A reader writes: “My transgender daughter is legally changing her name next week and has decided to use my maiden name instead of her father’s last name due to his not being acceptable of the whole situation. My question is: How will this affect my husband’s legal responsibility towards her, health insurance and other scenarios. Plus, how does she handle telling my husband, who will not even begin to discuss the whole matter with me?”

First of all, thank you for being so supportive of your daughter. I’m sorry that your husband does not feel the same way – at least at this time.

I don’t know how old your daughter is, but if she is a minor, and her father is named on her birth certificate or if he has legally adopted her, the fact that she changes her name will not change this. She is still legally his child.

I don’t know if a parent is required to put a minor child on his/her health insurance policy (lawyers out there?). If not, he can probably drop her from the policy if he chooses. But with regard to his legal responsibilities toward her, he still has them unless he goes to court, files to have his parental rights terminated, and is successful in doing so (he is not likely to attempt to do this, and if he does, he is not likely to succeed).

I’m not a lawyer, but my understanding is that if your child is an adult (eighteen in the United States), your husband is not legally responsible for her in any way (and neither are you, for that matter). He doesn’t have to provide her with health insurance or any other form assistance. Under the Affordable Care Act, he can keep her on his policy until she is twenty-six, but he is in no way required to do so.

As far as talking to him about the name change, if your child is an adult, she doesn’t have to. However, if she still is on his health insurance policy, on his life insurance policy, or in his will, he will likely want to update these with her new name, although I don’t think that a name change on her part would negate any of these, even if they reflect her old name for quite a while to come. But for the most accurate legal information, you need to consult an attorney if you can afford one. (more…)

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Ask Matt: Should I Come Out or Stay In?

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, Observations, tagged , , , , , , on January 28, 2013 | 11 Comments »

Question MarkA reader writes: “I came out as a transman to myself in 2009, to my (cismale) partner, friends, family, and work from 2010-11, started testosterone in 2011, all in the same town, so to know me as male was to know me as trans.

“In the summer of 2012, I moved 900 miles away from everyone I knew to start graduate school in poetry. When I applied, I was excited about exploring my trans identity through poetry and giving back to the community that helped me so much!

“Well, I got here, and I immediately found myself in full ‘stealth’ mode. I am happy to be seen as male, no questions, all the time. My partner and I are seen by everyone in our program, campus, and town as a gay male couple. This is exciting – and new – for me, and I figured once I settled in, I would get back to embracing the ‘trans’ part of me … but it has not happened yet.

“I have not shown a speck of trans poetry in any class, and I have not come out as trans to anyone here. I feel torn. I have lived about 25 years without being consistently seen as male, without being accepted as a fellow guy, without being able to embrace my self as a feminine queer man (and have it embraced by others), so in some ways, not being out feels great.

“On the other hand, I fear that someone will ‘find out’ and that their new knowledge will change our relationship; I feel silenced in my pre-move poetry; and, in a way, I feel I am not being truthful – but what right do they have to ‘know’ what I was assigned at birth? And, sometimes, I feel even more dysphoria, because I compare myself to other cismen – not transmen, as I more often did pre-move. I am on T, yes, but no surgeries for me, for various reasons.

“I feel stuck. I never thought I would ‘go stealth.’ I thought I was coming out here to write trans poetry to give hope to other transmen, but I do not feel that (as much) anymore. What should I do?”

This is a dilemma, and I think it’s one that many trans people have. The situation might not be the same, but the underlying confusion and contradictions certainly are. It’s a central problem with a lot of different “branches,” so I think the way to examine it is to break it down into its various components.

First of all, let’s look at what you said about feeling that you’re not being truthful. I think this could be a huge factor in the angst and indecision that you’re experiencing right now. Get that out of the way first. (more…)

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Ask Matt: Losing My Child After MTF Transition

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, Observations, tagged , , , , on December 17, 2012 | 5 Comments »

Question MarkA reader writes: “I started my transition this year. I’m ‘stealth’ already and my parents have accepted me as their child again (daughter is still too much). My daughter is also accepting, and my friends are also really supportive.

“I have another child, whom my ex-partner (before I transitioned) and I share custody of, amicably and without any real problems, and ground rules have been established for what my child will call me (not Mum). My ex’s family is also absolutely fine with everything. However, there is a problem.

“My ex-partner recently told me that she is actually having serious problems dealing with my transition. My relationship with my ex and therefore my child is hanging by a thread. I’ve managed to deflect legal advances and have come to an uneasy agreement for the short term.

“How can I help my ex with my transition? There seems to be no support group or information I can direct her towards, and talking about things between us always ends in one of us walking away upset and angry. She’s worried about how our child will grow up and about possible teasing in later life. And she can’t see how my being around in the long term is in her or my child’s interests.”

First of all, congratulations on having supportive family members and friends. They can be very helpful as you are going through some of the more troubling aspects of transition, like what you are facing now with your ex-partner and one of your children.

I don’t know how old this child is, but I get the impression that this is a young child – possibly an infant, toddler, or preschool-aged child. You say that every time you and your ex discuss the situation, you argue and someone walks away, which is not beneficial to your child, even if the child is not yet aware that you are arguing. And I believe that communication is paramount to resolving a problem like this.

So perhaps if you send your ex a link to this column, that might pave the way for another, more productive, conversation about your child (but as you’ll see towards the end of this post, that conversation is not the very next one that needs to happen).

There are some things that I think are important for you and your ex to consider when you are talking about your involvement in your child’s life:

> Frequently, when there are custody or contact issues involved in a separation, children are put in the middle, and it is really not their best interests that are being considered. They are being used to advance the agenda of one parent (or both). So it might not be your child that your ex is really concerned about. (more…)

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Ask Matt: The Dread of Asking for a Date

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, Observations, tagged , , , , , on December 3, 2012 | 8 Comments »

Question MarkA reader writes: “I’m a straight 21-year-old female-to-male transsexual (been transitioned for nearly three and half years) and I’ve been trying for the last year to get back into the swing of dating since my last break-up.

“However, I’ve come to find that I only feel more and more ashamed about myself when it comes to finding potential new partners, especially straight women. I feel like I am leading them on or trapping them when I have to end up telling them about my transition.

“I often find myself feeling like I’m just not good enough, since I’m not like most guys, or that I’m not really what they want. All in all, it makes me feel hopeless about dating. My question then is this: Are transmen resigned to perpetually dread this kind of thing? Are there any chances for a transguy to find a straight woman, instead of, perhaps, looking for only bisexual women, who would then at least have some kind of physical attraction to us?”

The dilemma of dating never really stops for many trans people. However, whether or not you are resigned to dread it for the rest of your life lies with you and how you are able to come to terms with yourself and your own self-worth.

There are several things in your letter that lead me to believe that you are struggling with self-esteem and self-acceptance. You say you are ashamed about yourself, that you feel like you are leading on or trapping your dates, and that you feel like you are not good enough. As long as you have these feelings, you will dread asking women out.

While it might make you feel a little better to know that there are plenty of non-trans straight guys out there who are terrified of asking women out as well, the difference is that you have something pretty significant that you will eventually have to tell them. But there is a difference between “significant” and “awful,” and that’s the difference that you have to get into your head. (more…)

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Ask Matt: My Husband Won’t Speak to Our MTF Child

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, Information, Observations, tagged , , , , , on November 26, 2012 | 13 Comments »

Question MarkA reader writes: “I am slowly coming to terms with my son declaring he is a female, but my husband will have no part in it, won’t even discuss it with me, he is in denial.

“It breaks my heart that my husband totally ignores my son considering they had a close relationship until my son shared this information. Any advice would be appreciated.”

I don’t know how old your child is, and that would probably make a difference, but I’m going to assume that she (I am using the female pronoun for her, since she has declared that she is female, according to your letter) is either an older adolescent or an adult. If I’m wrong, some of the things I say might not apply.

I also don’t know how long ago it was that your child came out to you. It’s possible that your husband might just need some more time. Regardless, this isn’t going to be easy for him, particularly because the two were so close.

Masculinity is a huge deal in our culture. There are quite a few expectations that go with it, and there are quite a few expectations that fathers have for their sons. From the time a doctor declares, “It’s a boy,”  many fathers establish a particular vision of what that means – what their son is going to be like, what their relationship is going to be like, the “male bonding” that will take place, the shared activities that they will participate in, and the role modeling that will occur to guide this son into manhood.

Unless the father is particularly progressive, this vision of his son and the expectations that go with it are generally formed along traditional gender lines. His son’s masculinity is a reflection of his own, and his son’s “manliness” is a reflection of his ability to be a “manly” role model.

This has all fallen through for your husband. The father/son bond has been broken – at least in his eyes. And his reaction has more to do with himself than with your child. My guess is that his response is rooted in one or more of the following: (more…)

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An Annual Tradition: My Thanksgiving Coming-Out Poem

Posted in Observations, tagged , , on November 22, 2012 |

It’s once again time for my annual tradition – my Thanksgiving coming-out poem. My long-time readers see this every year, but if there are any newcomers, here you go:

A Thanksgiving Coming Out

By Matt Kailey

There’s a holiday coming on which we give thanks
For the wonderful things in our lives.
Not cell phones or new cars or what’s in the bank,
But our partners or husbands or wives.

We think of our loved ones as we plan our trips.
To see them will be a real treat.
And we know that the question on everyone’s lips
Will be, “When the heck do we eat?”

Now I’ve been through many a Thanksgiving feast
And lived to tell the story.
I can’t really rank them from most fun to least —
They all seemed a little bit gory.

There was one at my grandmother’s house, when she said,
“Let us each say what we’re thankful for.”
But before we could answer, my drunk Uncle Ted
Was sprawled out like a dog on the floor.

Another time everyone came to my place
With their offers to get in the way.
They crowded the kitchen and took up the space,
But at clean-up, they just couldn’t stay.

Then my sis tried her hand at the family feast,
With enough food to feed twenty-one.
But her poor old dog, Rover, that ungrateful beast,
Got there first and left us with none.

So, what’s really going on here? Are you excited? I mean —

(more…)

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