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Posts Tagged ‘family’

Hey, Conservative Mom, I Don’t Like ‘Gender Bender Day’ Either

Posted in Commentary, tagged , , , , , on May 27, 2013 | 12 Comments »

GenderBenderDayA Milwaukee mom refused to send her seven-year-old son to the Tippecanoe School for the Arts and Humanities on the day that the school originally tagged as “Gender Bender Day” – when boys were supposed to wear “girl” clothes and girls were supposed to wear “boy” clothes – according to the Wisconsin School Reformer. Amid complaints, the school eventually changed the name to “Switch It Up Day,” which is actually kind of funny considering the sexual connotations of the word “switch.”

Regardless, Deidri Hernandez was pissed and said that she did not want her son exposed to this apparent promotion of “homosexuality” in schools. She then went on to confuse sexual orientation with gender identity by saying, “They might as well call it Transgender Day.” She also complained about how liberals and atheists have the ear of the school, but others do not.

Well, Ms. Hernandez, I’m one of those liberals and atheists who are apparently so powerful and influential, and the truth is that I don’t like the idea of “Gender Bender Day” or “Switch Hitter Day” or whatever you want to call it either – but for very different reasons:

> This activity assumes that there are only two genders and only two acceptable ways to express them – probably a dress and makeup for girls and pants and maybe beard stubble for boys. There are no gray areas here, and it is likely that no alternative options for gender expression will be discussed.

> Most girls wear pants to school now anyway, at least some of the time, so the real “delight” of this day will be boys in dresses that everyone gets to laugh about and make fun of. Far from promoting “homosexuality,” an event like this instead promotes gay and trans bashing – “Wow, John, you sure look pretty in that dress. Who knew you were so gay?” “Albert, that dress fits you perfectly. Is it your mom’s or is it yours?” “Joe, you look so good in those high heels that I would date you – but I’m not a f*g!” (more…)

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Ask Matt: Do I Owe My Parents Grandchildren?

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, Observations, tagged , , , , on May 13, 2013 | 7 Comments »

Question MarkA reader writes: “I am a 24-year-old transgender girl. I started transition about a year and a half ago, with one month in between where I had major doubts and confusion about my life.

“I have asked myself, am I doing the right thing? Am I really transgender? Maybe I am just fooling myself. Should I simply live a life male and cross dress? But the one question that sent me down a spiraling hole of regret was, and is, ‘Am I betraying my mother and father by transitioning?’

“I will likely – probably never – produce a baby, a grandchild, for them. During that frightful time of transition, I was reviewing this over and over, going through a bout of depression and into dark places. I felt like a fraud, that somehow I had an innate obligation to father a child for my parents or whichever wife I would have married.

“To a degree I still feel this way, and I don’t know if this will ever go away. I don’t know if I will ever accept not becoming the paradigm of a son. So maybe I’m looking for your viewpoint on this by writing such a question for you, because all I really have is my own perspective.”

My mother always used to say that the only thing children owe their parents is to outlive them. I’m not sure that this is true, but I do believe that children do not owe their parents grandchildren.

In Western culture, and probably others as well, there is a specific “life timeline” that society has established, and it appears that, over many decades, it has not wavered. We are supposed to grow up, get some type of schooling or training, get a job, get married, have children, raise those children, retire, then die, hopefully leaving some money and a few halfway decent possessions to our children.

This has been so ingrained into our very being by everything that we see around us that we assume this is the natural way of things and that anything else is unnatural and even deviant. Things are changing, but they haven’t changed enough to rid us of this particular expectation, and of the guilt that goes along with not falling into step.

This blueprint for life benefits society. It keeps us focused on our own personal timeline, it keeps us productive at work, it keeps a lot of people employed (many at relatively low wages), and it keeps us from rabble rousing by coming up with other possibilities for ourselves. (more…)

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Ask Matt: Supporting a Muslim Trans Person

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, Information, tagged , , , , , on March 27, 2013 | 3 Comments »

Question MarkA reader writes: “I will be referring to my grandchild-by-choice mostly as male at this time, because he is currently presenting as a gay male.

“I am a cis female with many LGBT friends. He is younger than me by decades. I am almost 60. I began as his online mentor and English tutor. He lives in Bangladesh and I live in the United States.

“This is our fifth year of knowing each other. We are both poets, with a shared love of language. He is an atheist in a strongly fundamentalist Muslim society. I am a Buddhist by choice, living in a diverse, liberal community, in a college town. We chose to become family for each other.

“He lives in the birth relatives’ home in Bangladesh. He is out as a gay male to his parents and within his community. He is frequently taunted badly for being gay.

“My chosen grandchild has recently revealed to me that she feels like a woman at heart, although she only ever expects to present herself as male. So I am designing feminine jewelry for her, as I make jewelry. I do encourage her to express her feminine side to me. It is definitely not safe for my young one to express it where she lives. So back to male pronouns for now, although I feel conflicted about that.

“I personally know liberal Muslims in my own community. But he has only encountered fundamentalist Muslims who view him as wrong and try to force him to become straight. Some of them, including both his parents, have abused him, trying to make him straight. He has twice been forcibly locked up in a ward for months and required to undergo conversion therapy. Of course, it has not worked. The parents keep trying because ‘he’ is the firstborn in a male-dominated culture. (more…)

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Ask Matt: My Parents Want to Choose My Name!

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, tagged , , on March 26, 2013 | 10 Comments »

Question MarkA reader writes: “I am trans man well into my transition. My problem is with my parents. They have been very opposed to my transition all this time, even going so far as threatening to disown me if I carried it out and kicking me out from my home.

“As I informed them about my intention to make my name change legal soon, they suddenly contacted me, telling me quite plainly that they expect to be the ones that get to choose my new name, despite the fact that I already have a name I have gone with years and that all close to me are familiar with.

“While I see this as sign of them maybe wishing to fix the rift between us, I do not honestly believe they have earned the right to choose my name. I would have loved them to do it early into my transition, but as stated earlier, they were not really supportive at all.

“My question is: How do I tell them I am not going to let them choose my name without crushing this promising, yet fragile, chance to mend things between us?”

I agree with you – the fact that they are now suddenly butting in after all this time is actually promising. It sounds as if they are trying to reestablish contact and mend the relationship. But they are trying to do it on their own terms.

My guess is that they have finally come to the realization that you are going to do what you want to do, regardless of what they want, and they are now trying to regain some semblance of control over their child. Their demand to choose your new name shows that they are now at least willing to accept your transition, but it also reflects their need to maintain their parental power, which you have rejected by going against their wishes.

As you say, it’s unfortunate that they waited so long, but even if they had been supportive, there is no guarantee that you would have wanted the name that they want for you. As an adult, you have the right to choose your own name – and you already have.

So I think that what you tell them is something like this: (more…)

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Ask Matt: Resources and Support in Mexico Urgently Needed

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, tagged , , on March 18, 2013 | 2 Comments »

Question MarkA reader writes: “Hello, I’m from Mexico. I am 18 and I just came out to my family and I’m going to therapy, but I feel trapped and that I am never going to start my transition. I really feel very uncomfortable, and I feel like my parents don’t understand me or don’t know what I want.

“I think it is more dangerous because i live in Mexico, and because of that, they don’t know how to help me. I know that maybe I’m young but I’ve been feeling this for three years now and it really gets me so sad sometimes that I’ve been thinking a lot of suicide. The only thing that gets me going is college.

“However, I just want to you give me some advice on what can I do. I really feel very lost.”

First of all, you are not alone, although I’m sure that it feels like it right now. What I want you to do is hang on and wait for college, because I believe that things will get better there.

I don’t know a lot about the college life in Mexico or what resources are available for trans people in Mexico, but I do know that college in the United States can be very helpful for young trans people, and that many U.S. colleges have trans resources and support groups. I hope that your college will have something similar.

I don’t know what part of Mexico you are from. This might be helpful for my readers to know, because I do have readers in Mexico, and they might be able to suggest something – somewhere for you to go, some support groups, some information or groups for parents and so on. If you want to, leave something in the Comments section saying what part of Mexico you are in, and it might help. You can leave a comment anonymously.

From what I understand, it can be difficult for trans people in Mexico. But it can be difficult anywhere. What you want to do is try to find some support, and I think that you might be able to find that in college. That’s why you need to hang on until then. (more…)

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Ask Matt: Educating the Children, Educating the Parents

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, Information, tagged , , on March 4, 2013 | 4 Comments »

Question MarkI have joined a couple of family-related questions into one column in a continuing effort to catch up with my backlog. As always, reader thoughts and suggestions are much appreciated. Here you go:

A reader writes: “My granddaughter was born five days ago. She is, of course, gorgeous. She is also blessed with three granddads (one of whom she will hardly ever meet) and one grandma. The family set-up is one set of straight grandparents, one single grandmother who is now a grandfather, and the rather distant other grandfather.

“What do you, or your correspondents, think about telling her about her slightly unusual family set-up? And when? In easy stages, no doubt.”

Since she’s only five days old (or was at the time you wrote), it will be a while before this will even be an issue. And honestly, it’s not going to be much of one.

We still tend to think that a “standard, normal household” consists of a set of heterosexual parents with an extended family of two sets of heterosexual grandparents. That’s what I grew up with, but that family structure is really just a blip on the Western-culture history line of family configurations.

Throughout time, and across every culture, there have been a variety of family structures, and it was only recently in Western history that this two-heterosexual-parents-with-kids single-family unit emerged. My Ward-and-June-Cleaver family might have been considered the “norm” in the white, Midwestern United States when I was growing up, but that was only because the culture thought it needed that structure after World War II in order to promote population and job growth, encourage spending, and support the expansion of the suburbs.

In order to do that, the culture put that type of family out there as the “norm.” But there were plenty of other family structures during that time, and now, even that mainstream cultural “norm” is changing. (more…)

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Ask Matt: Names, Labels, and Identities

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, Information, Observations, tagged , , , , , on February 11, 2013 | 7 Comments »

Question MarkWe have two reader questions in one post today, and in order to catch up with my backlog of Ask Matt questions, I will be posting a Thursday edition this week as well, so be looking for that.

Readers, as always, your insights and experiences are much appreciated, so please join the conversation in the Comments section. And here we are with today’s questions:

A reader writes: “My transgender daughter is legally changing her name next week and has decided to use my maiden name instead of her father’s last name due to his not being acceptable of the whole situation. My question is: How will this affect my husband’s legal responsibility towards her, health insurance and other scenarios. Plus, how does she handle telling my husband, who will not even begin to discuss the whole matter with me?”

First of all, thank you for being so supportive of your daughter. I’m sorry that your husband does not feel the same way – at least at this time.

I don’t know how old your daughter is, but if she is a minor, and her father is named on her birth certificate or if he has legally adopted her, the fact that she changes her name will not change this. She is still legally his child.

I don’t know if a parent is required to put a minor child on his/her health insurance policy (lawyers out there?). If not, he can probably drop her from the policy if he chooses. But with regard to his legal responsibilities toward her, he still has them unless he goes to court, files to have his parental rights terminated, and is successful in doing so (he is not likely to attempt to do this, and if he does, he is not likely to succeed).

I’m not a lawyer, but my understanding is that if your child is an adult (eighteen in the United States), your husband is not legally responsible for her in any way (and neither are you, for that matter). He doesn’t have to provide her with health insurance or any other form assistance. Under the Affordable Care Act, he can keep her on his policy until she is twenty-six, but he is in no way required to do so.

As far as talking to him about the name change, if your child is an adult, she doesn’t have to. However, if she still is on his health insurance policy, on his life insurance policy, or in his will, he will likely want to update these with her new name, although I don’t think that a name change on her part would negate any of these, even if they reflect her old name for quite a while to come. But for the most accurate legal information, you need to consult an attorney if you can afford one. (more…)

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Ask Matt: We’re Teens, She’s Trans, What To Do?

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, tagged , , , , , on January 28, 2013 | 4 Comments »

Question MarkA reader writes: “I’m a teenage girl and I’m currently attracted to a trans person who is biologically male but identifies as female. I’m completely fine with it, and she and I are interested in starting a relationship, but I’m a little nervous about a few things.

“Unfortunately, my family is quite close minded and there aren’t many online resources for people my age who are dating transgender people. I was just wondering what tips or pointers I should be aware of to make sure she’s comfortable.

“One of my biggest concerns is in regards to sex, especially considering that we’re both in our teens. Is there any right or wrong way to talk to her about it?”

First of all, thank you for being accepting of your girlfriend’s history and identity. I think it’s your generation that might finally break down the barriers that trans people have had to face for so very long.

As far as your family, this is going to be even more important to someone your age than to those who are older and are no longer living with and supported by their parent(s) or caretaker(s). I assume that you live at home and depend on them for your food, shelter, and other necessities, as well as possibly spending money.

Because that’s the case, they have some control over you that they won’t in a few years. They can try to regulate who you see outside of the home, and they can definitely regulate who you bring into the home. So you need to tread carefully and slowly if you think that they might forbid you to see your girlfriend.

The first thing you need to do is talk to your girlfriend. You need to find out how she wants you to handle this with your parents, or if she wants to handle it with them or join you in handling it. The two of you need to come up with a plan. (more…)

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Ask Matt’s Readers: Questions I Need Readers’ Help With

Posted in Ask Matt, tagged , , , on December 31, 2012 | 10 Comments »

Question MarkI try to keep up on the latest resources, but as our community flourishes and we become more vocal and visible everywhere, I sometimes fall behind. I know my readers are a diverse group with awareness of a variety of helpful resources, so I open up the following Ask Matt questions to you:

A reader writes: “I’m an African American post-op TS in Los Angeles, California. My questions is: Do you know of any websites, clubs, or places where transgender-friendly single men go to find post op TS’s for monogamous long-term relationships and marriage?

“I’ve lived in LA most of my life, and do not identify with the TS websites that objectify TS’s, nor do I identify with the TS bar scene. I am a spiritual (non-religious) spirit being who happens to move  in the world as a woman. I’m not into labels, games, or negative energy.

“Can you guide me to the right places where I might find my life partner or single men looking for post-TS women for real love, monogamous relationships, and perhaps marriage?”

I’m hoping that my readers can come through on this one. I know that there are many trans dating websites, but I’m not sure which ones to recommend. Also, there might be some clubs or organizations in the LA area that are just what you’re looking for, but I am not familiar enough with LA to point you in the right direction. Readers, what do you suggest?

A reader writes: “Can you recommend any reading on transmen who identify as gay men after transitioning?” (more…)

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Ask Matt: Losing My Child After MTF Transition

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, Observations, tagged , , , , on December 17, 2012 | 5 Comments »

Question MarkA reader writes: “I started my transition this year. I’m ‘stealth’ already and my parents have accepted me as their child again (daughter is still too much). My daughter is also accepting, and my friends are also really supportive.

“I have another child, whom my ex-partner (before I transitioned) and I share custody of, amicably and without any real problems, and ground rules have been established for what my child will call me (not Mum). My ex’s family is also absolutely fine with everything. However, there is a problem.

“My ex-partner recently told me that she is actually having serious problems dealing with my transition. My relationship with my ex and therefore my child is hanging by a thread. I’ve managed to deflect legal advances and have come to an uneasy agreement for the short term.

“How can I help my ex with my transition? There seems to be no support group or information I can direct her towards, and talking about things between us always ends in one of us walking away upset and angry. She’s worried about how our child will grow up and about possible teasing in later life. And she can’t see how my being around in the long term is in her or my child’s interests.”

First of all, congratulations on having supportive family members and friends. They can be very helpful as you are going through some of the more troubling aspects of transition, like what you are facing now with your ex-partner and one of your children.

I don’t know how old this child is, but I get the impression that this is a young child – possibly an infant, toddler, or preschool-aged child. You say that every time you and your ex discuss the situation, you argue and someone walks away, which is not beneficial to your child, even if the child is not yet aware that you are arguing. And I believe that communication is paramount to resolving a problem like this.

So perhaps if you send your ex a link to this column, that might pave the way for another, more productive, conversation about your child (but as you’ll see towards the end of this post, that conversation is not the very next one that needs to happen).

There are some things that I think are important for you and your ex to consider when you are talking about your involvement in your child’s life:

> Frequently, when there are custody or contact issues involved in a separation, children are put in the middle, and it is really not their best interests that are being considered. They are being used to advance the agenda of one parent (or both). So it might not be your child that your ex is really concerned about. (more…)

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