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Posts Tagged ‘identity’

Ask Matt: A Question for the Questioning

Posted in Ask Matt, Observations, tagged , , , on May 20, 2013 | 16 Comments »

Question MarkA reader writes: “Asking this question on behalf of all the questioning folks out there: If you’re comfortable sharing, what all have you identified as on your gender journey? And what times (if any) were particularly tough/confusing?”

Questioning gender can be very difficult, although it’s not as hard, I would think, as it was way back when, when there was just one model or “blueprint” to choose from, and everyone was expected to go down a prescribed path – if they fit the established criteria.

At least now, there are different options and alternatives available, and information is out there for almost everyone in almost every situation. But that comes with its own set of problems.

I can’t say that I personally was ever questioning my gender – at least not in the sense that we talk about it today – because I was sure for over forty years that I was a girl/woman. I didn’t think that was what I was supposed to be, but I thought that was the way it was and that there was nothing I could do about it. I didn’t know that there was anyone else like me, and I didn’t know that what I was experiencing had a label and was an actual identified “thing.”

Once I discovered that, there was again very little questioning involved, because I knew what I was going to do – transition and live as a man. I would say that my questioning came in after I started transition and found that I wasn’t really fitting what I considered to be the “standard man” mode. That’s when, thanks to my therapist, I adopted the permanent label of trans man, and I have not changed that since.

So my gender identity went from girl to woman to man (for a very brief time) to trans man. And that is where it has stayed. And the most confusing time for me was as I said above – when I didn’t really feel like I fit as a “man,” and I wasn’t sure what that meant or where I could go from there.

But I had a lot of models to look at, because I knew, when I found out what “transgender” was, that I would transition, I had learned to use the Internet by then, and I was able to see lots of guys who might have identified as men or who might have identified as trans men, but who were out and visible and who I could relate to. (more…)

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Ask Matt: Gender Uncertainty is Stressing Me Out!

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, tagged , , , on May 6, 2013 | 12 Comments »

Question MarkA reader writes: “I’m 18 years old and have lived under the assumption that I was a cisgendered female – identified as lesbian, never really felt dysphoric about myself beyond maybe a vague envy for the male body, feeling ‘off’ as a woman, a few times being curious about how ‘the other half lived,’ etc. Certainly didn’t hate being a woman, didn’t feel like I was trapped in the wrong body for the most part – until about two weeks ago.

“I was doing some research about a trans* character I was going to include in a story and throughout my research, a few bells rung. ‘Hormone therapy? You mean people can actually take hormones and develop the body they want?’ Well, I began to wonder – am I really a woman?

“And it all hit me, at once. Every doubt I’d had about being a woman, about being a man – all came to light. I’ve been worrying about my gender obsessively for the past two weeks or so, hardly eating, hardly sleeping. I mean, sure, even cisgendered people question their gender – but this much?

“I wonder if I’d be happier as a man, if I’d have a better future, and I can honestly see it. But I wonder if it’s all just a phase and I’ll wake up one morning, realize I was wrong and go back to be being cisgendered without question.

“The reason I’m writing to you is this: Is there any way to know for certain what your identity is, or is it just what feels right at a given time?”

What you are describing is not as uncommon as you might think. Let’s start with the last part first:

Most people do know for certain what their gender identity is, and the way they know is that they just know.

I personally believe that gender identity is innate – that you are born with it. It can change, but it can’t be changed. And there are quite a few people who are absolutely certain that they are a man, a woman, both, or neither.

There are other people who define and live out their identity by what feels right at any given time. But this is also a gender identity – it is just a fluid one. And I believe that this fluidity is also innate and that most people who identify as gender fluid, genderqueer, or bigender are also certain about this. (more…)

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Ask Matt: Making Legal Changes

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, Information, Observations, tagged , , , , , on March 29, 2013 | 4 Comments »

Question MarkToday we have three letters on various changes regarding gender/sex markers and names. So without further ado, let’s get started.

A reader writes: “I’ve heard that you shouldn’t change your gender marker on your insurance if you haven’t had a hysterectomy yet. What I’m wondering is what to do if you have never been on insurance, but will be in the future (hopefully around August or so). I’m planning on getting a court order to legally change my name and gender marker in a week or two.

“What if I need a hysterectomy years down the road after being legally male for years? When I get on insurance, can I just avoid gender, since they can’t legally require you to disclose (along with race/ethnicity)? And waiting isn’t an option (until after I get a job and insurance). I’ve waited seven years for this. I’m finally in a position where I can, so I’m taking this chance while I have it.”

Insurance is such a slippery slope. Insurance companies pretty much do what they want to do. I no longer have insurance, but when I did, and my employer switched to a new plan, I tried not putting any gender down. They looked at my name and put one down for me in their records – male. So even if you have never had insurance before, if you put nothing down, they will likely decide for you.

I didn’t know that insurance companies could not require you to disclose. The problem that you might run into, even if you put down nothing and they don’t choose for you, is that, if they agree to pay for “male” things, like hormones (if your doctor codes it as “low testosterone” or something), then they won’t pay for “female” things, like a hysterectomy or pelvic exams. If they agree to pay for pelvic exams, then they won’t pay for testosterone replacement. At least they will try not to.

Even before my insurance company chose my gender for me (based on my name, I’m assuming), I had insurance with another company where I did list myself as male. Every year, they denied my PAP test and pelvic exam claim, and every year, I appealed and won. I worded my appeal like this (or something similar): “I understand that you cover this procedure for people who have a particular set of organs, and I have those organs.”

It always worked, and I recommended it to my friend, who had a different insurance carrier, and it worked for him as well. So I would suggest either leaving the gender part blank and letting them figure it out, or putting down “Male.” That way, if you are male at your job, you won’t have to out yourself if you don’t want to, and even if you are out to human resources, you won’t have to be out to anyone in the organization who has access to your file. (more…)

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Ask Matt: My Parents Want to Choose My Name!

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, tagged , , on March 26, 2013 | 10 Comments »

Question MarkA reader writes: “I am trans man well into my transition. My problem is with my parents. They have been very opposed to my transition all this time, even going so far as threatening to disown me if I carried it out and kicking me out from my home.

“As I informed them about my intention to make my name change legal soon, they suddenly contacted me, telling me quite plainly that they expect to be the ones that get to choose my new name, despite the fact that I already have a name I have gone with years and that all close to me are familiar with.

“While I see this as sign of them maybe wishing to fix the rift between us, I do not honestly believe they have earned the right to choose my name. I would have loved them to do it early into my transition, but as stated earlier, they were not really supportive at all.

“My question is: How do I tell them I am not going to let them choose my name without crushing this promising, yet fragile, chance to mend things between us?”

I agree with you – the fact that they are now suddenly butting in after all this time is actually promising. It sounds as if they are trying to reestablish contact and mend the relationship. But they are trying to do it on their own terms.

My guess is that they have finally come to the realization that you are going to do what you want to do, regardless of what they want, and they are now trying to regain some semblance of control over their child. Their demand to choose your new name shows that they are now at least willing to accept your transition, but it also reflects their need to maintain their parental power, which you have rejected by going against their wishes.

As you say, it’s unfortunate that they waited so long, but even if they had been supportive, there is no guarantee that you would have wanted the name that they want for you. As an adult, you have the right to choose your own name – and you already have.

So I think that what you tell them is something like this: (more…)

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Ask Matt: Should I Come Out or Stay In?

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, Observations, tagged , , , , , , on January 28, 2013 | 11 Comments »

Question MarkA reader writes: “I came out as a transman to myself in 2009, to my (cismale) partner, friends, family, and work from 2010-11, started testosterone in 2011, all in the same town, so to know me as male was to know me as trans.

“In the summer of 2012, I moved 900 miles away from everyone I knew to start graduate school in poetry. When I applied, I was excited about exploring my trans identity through poetry and giving back to the community that helped me so much!

“Well, I got here, and I immediately found myself in full ‘stealth’ mode. I am happy to be seen as male, no questions, all the time. My partner and I are seen by everyone in our program, campus, and town as a gay male couple. This is exciting – and new – for me, and I figured once I settled in, I would get back to embracing the ‘trans’ part of me … but it has not happened yet.

“I have not shown a speck of trans poetry in any class, and I have not come out as trans to anyone here. I feel torn. I have lived about 25 years without being consistently seen as male, without being accepted as a fellow guy, without being able to embrace my self as a feminine queer man (and have it embraced by others), so in some ways, not being out feels great.

“On the other hand, I fear that someone will ‘find out’ and that their new knowledge will change our relationship; I feel silenced in my pre-move poetry; and, in a way, I feel I am not being truthful – but what right do they have to ‘know’ what I was assigned at birth? And, sometimes, I feel even more dysphoria, because I compare myself to other cismen – not transmen, as I more often did pre-move. I am on T, yes, but no surgeries for me, for various reasons.

“I feel stuck. I never thought I would ‘go stealth.’ I thought I was coming out here to write trans poetry to give hope to other transmen, but I do not feel that (as much) anymore. What should I do?”

This is a dilemma, and I think it’s one that many trans people have. The situation might not be the same, but the underlying confusion and contradictions certainly are. It’s a central problem with a lot of different “branches,” so I think the way to examine it is to break it down into its various components.

First of all, let’s look at what you said about feeling that you’re not being truthful. I think this could be a huge factor in the angst and indecision that you’re experiencing right now. Get that out of the way first. (more…)

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Ask Matt: Should a Trans Man Date Someone Who Sees Him as Female?

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, tagged , , , , on September 20, 2012 | 15 Comments »

Question MarkA reader writes: “I recently met a man who is friends with a lot of my friends. I’ll call him James. We’re all in our twenties and have a tight-knit group of very nice people. I met him and we hit it off. I thought maybe it was going somewhere.

“Now, in this group of friends, I present as male, they use male pronouns, etc. But I don’t pass very well if you’ve interacted with me for longer than a few moments, as I haven’t started hormones yet. Despite that, though, all of my friends are very respectful and supportive of my gender identity, so it’s never really an issue.

“But James and I were flirting, and it started to go somewhere, and then he told me we needed to ‘have a talk’ before we could keep going. And his talk consisted mostly of my gender. He said he understands I’m trans, and he’s all right with that, but it brings up a big issue. He sees himself as straight. And even if he knows I’m trans, he can’t help but see me as a woman, and thus, he’s attracted to me.

“I told him that seeing me as a woman, I guess, is easy to do right now since I haven’t started hormones. But once I’m more masculine than that, I will (hopefully) pass much better as male, and I won’t appear female anymore. The entire time we had this talk, he was trying very hard to be as respectful as possible about it, and I’m grateful. But it’s also very unnerving. How do I go along with this? Do we continue on with our relationship, even if it means he sees me as a woman?”

I have an old boyfriend (right now, we’re both pretty old) who calls me from time to time. We haven’t been together for thirty-five years, and he’s seen me once in person since I transitioned. But occasionally, he’ll bring up the idea of hooking up, just for old times’ sake.

When I explained to him once that it just wouldn’t be the same for him, he said, “Well, you could put on some makeup or something.”

If that story sends a little chill down your spine, you might want to think twice about an ongoing relationship with this guy. But that’s my story. Only you can decide if you should keep seeing James or not. (more…)

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Ask Matt: What if My Little Sister is Trans?

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, tagged , , , , , on September 13, 2012 | 13 Comments »

Question MarkA reader writes: “I’m twenty years old, FTM, and have been out to my family for two years and on testosterone for one year. My little sister is eleven. When I first came out, she was really fine with it and, from what I could tell, only struggled with it for a short while because she felt like she was losing her big sister. But now she is one of my best allies and embraces me wholeheartedly as her big brother.

“Recently, she’s been getting her hair cut short – shorter than mine, even. She doesn’t wear anything that would really be described as ‘feminine,’ shopping in both the boys’ section and the girls’ section at stores. She also seems really interested in the LGBT community. I haven’t pushed her to do any of this. The thing is, my sister told me that she might be gender-neutral, and I may have heard her mention once that she thinks she could be bi.

“I just don’t know if eleven years old is too young to decide any of that. I told her that I support her no matter how she identifies, but I also encouraged her to keep an open mind because she doesn’t have to know exactly what she is right now.

“However, my biggest concern is that she seems miserable at school. And today was only her second day of sixth grade. She says her classmates are rude to her and no one likes her. I suspected that it might be because of her more ambiguous gender presentation, but I can’t know for sure. She was so excited to go back to school, but on the first day she came home and cried.

“Right now, I’m starting to worry if maybe I did unintentionally influence her too much, and confuse her about gender. So I guess what I want to ask is: Do you think I’ve influenced my sister negatively or confused her at all? Is she expressing her true gender/exploring gender or is she just trying to be like me because she looks up to me? What should I do to make sure she knows I support her no matter what, and how can I encourage her to be herself? What are the chances that two siblings could both be FTM (considering that we have three cisgender brothers, if that means anything), and what should I do if my sister turns out to be trans/wants to transition? Do you have any other advice?”

I had to edit your letter for length, but I think the gist of the situation is still here. Unfortunately, there’s no way to know whether or not your decision to transition has had an influence on your sister. She might not even know.

Many younger siblings want to emulate their older siblings, and your sister is at an age where young people often struggle to figure out who they are and where they fit in. They sometimes try on various identities over the course of adolescence until they find one that fits. An older sibling can provide a role model for trying out a certain appearance or identity.

Her classmates are in the same situation, which is why middle school youth can be so cruel. They are incredibly self-conscious, they are terrified that they are not okay and that others won’t accept them, and they welcome any chance to join with others against someone else. This takes the imaginary spotlight off of them, and allows them to feel accepted and part of the group. (more…)

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Ask Matt: Gender-Neutral Pronouns Presenting a Problem

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, Observations, tagged , , , on September 10, 2012 | 54 Comments »

Question MarkA reader writes: “I am 15 years old and I just started my sophomore year of high school. I also came out as genderqueer a couple of weeks ago. To make it easier on people, I chose one set of pronouns and I give people little cheat sheets with my pronouns.

“My mom seems to be really supportive, but as it turns out, she is refusing to use my pronouns (subjective: e/ey, objective: em, possessive: eir/eirs, reflexive: emself) because she doesn’t want to memorize them, and she also thinks that they’re awkward and that nobody’s going to understand what it is she’s talking about. My dad and brother pretend that nothing is different.

“My teachers are really cool about it, but so far they haven’t used any pronouns at all. My closest friends are mocking me a bit, and my friends still use the female pronouns and occasionally remember that I’m genderqueer and ask me what my pronouns are.

“My sensei, with whom I talked the most extensively about my gender identity, is just as nice as he was before I came out, but he consistently uses the female pronouns. I still haven’t had the guts to find out why – I am planning to do that soon.

“So this is pretty much my situation. Everyone I came out to is okay with my identity, but they call me she. Although I understand that this is very new to everybody and that my pronouns are unfamiliar, I have this feeling that people really aren’t even trying. Am I asking for too much? Do you have any suggestions on what I should/should not do?”

Pronouns are probably the most difficult part of being trans or genderqueer, or being in another situation where they might change. What I have found as a trans person transitioning from female to male is that the name came far earlier and with much more ease to others than the pronouns did.

Most people had no problem calling me Matt, and there was very little “slippage.” However, the changeover to “he” was much slower and much more aggravating – particularly for me. Friends would say, “Matt’s driving. She says she’s got enough room.” Or “Matt wants to come eat with us. She’ll be ready in a minute.” (more…)

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Ask Matt: Living as a Man Without Medically Transitioning

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, Observations, tagged , , , , , on July 19, 2012 | 31 Comments »

Question MarkA reader writes: “I’m a cisgender woman and I write this from my partner’s perspective, mainly because he asked me a question that I couldn’t really answer. It was more for validation rather than a question.

“My partner is a man, and I see him as a man regardless of his body situation, and he says the same thing to himself. He always saw himself as a boy, or at least existed in some neutral zone as a child.

“He grew up in a conservative community, and didn’t have any uncensored access to the Internet or any groups until he moved out. He didn’t know there was anything such as surgery or T, and while he’s considering top surgery, he’s not really wanting T. We talked about it, and he said he’s afraid that he will lose his sense of self that he has jumped through many loopholes to get to.

“He dresses in a masculine fashion and binds, and most of the time he’s read as male until he speaks. He said perhaps down the line it will be a consideration, but he seems to have found comfort within himself, but feels isolated by a community of people who call him ‘fake’ or a ‘cis woman trying to feel special’ because he doesn’t want to transition. He gets this both from cis people and others in the trans community. He doesn’t feel that he’s a woman regardless of his body.

“So, I ask, still from his perspective as someone who does not want to transition medically at this point in life, is he still valid as a man or at the very least a trans man? He knows he is and I know he is, but for others he’s not seen that way, aside from our circle of friends.”

The concept of “validity” is tough in this case, because it can mean so many different things. In my opinion, he is valid as a man and as a trans man, but I believe that all people and all identities are valid. I don’t see how anyone can argue about the validity of a personal identity – but there are plenty of people who will try.

Legally, of course, it all becomes a different issue, because he might or might not be able to get his gender marker (which is really a sex marker) changed on his paperwork. Depending on the laws in his state and what documentation is required for a driver’s license change and so on, he might be stuck with a driver’s license and other documents that say “F.” I also think name-change laws vary from state to state. So he might never be seen as a male (biological sex) under the law. (more…)

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Ask Matt: Are There Different Ways to Be Transgender?

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, Information, Observations, tagged , , , , on July 9, 2012 | 26 Comments »

Question MarkA reader writes: “Is it normal to feel transgender but not really have body dysphoria?

“I never told anyone I wanted to be a boy as a child, and indeed, never knew what a penis was until I was at least nine or ten. When looking at my female body parts, I sort of just mentally block them out. Can people psychologically deal with their transgendered state in different ways?”

The answer to both your questions is yes, but it depends on how you define “transgender.” Transgender is not a diagnosis – it is a label applied to a condition, personal identity, and/or group, depending on who is doing the defining. However, it is sometimes linked with the diagnosis of Gender Identity Disorder (GID).

If you are speaking of the actual diagnosis of GID, there are some specific criteria that go with that diagnosis, although therapists today are much more flexible with regard to those criteria, knowing that not everyone fits into the little charts offered by the DSM.

When we look at the DSM, or even certain books that have been written to describe our “condition,” we are given a set of criteria that we are then expected to “match up” with our own situation. For some people, this can be incredibly affirming and relieving – “Yes, this is me, 100 percent, exactly, finally it all makes sense!” For other people, it can be very confusing – “That’s not like me and that’s not like me, so what’s my problem? Do I not qualify as trans, even though I feel this way?”

In the very beginning, when I was just discovering that I was not the only one in the world who had this odd “condition,” I was told to read a book called True Selves. At the time, it was almost the trans bible. Literally everyone I met in the community had read it. And it was helpful – but there was a lot in there that had nothing to do with me and that I couldn’t relate to.

I was also told to read Stone Butch Blues. At the time, it was almost the trans man bible. And it was a great book, and Leslie Feinberg is one of my earliest role models/idols, but it had nothing to do with me. I couldn’t relate to it. It wasn’t my life.

So I think that there are a couple of pitfalls to avoid for people questioning their gender identity or their identity as trans (or even the possibility of a GID diagnosis). Those pitfalls are: 1) taking specific sets of criteria too seriously, and 2) not taking specific sets of criteria seriously enough. (more…)

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