A reader writes: “I’ve always considered myself to be very well educated on the different letters in our acronym. However, all it took was one date with a trans woman to realize that I am not.
“I am an FAAB genderqueer individual, so, of course I know all about the gender issues with public accommodations, being misgendered, etc. However, as we talked politics, and, specifically, LGBT politics, I realized that there is a whole world out there that I know nothing about.
“She told me about the HBS (Harry Benjamin Society) contingent of the transsexual movement that wants everyone to live stealth. She told me about the pain of being excluded from the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival and events like it, and of her fear of going to the women’s group at the LGBTQ center for fear of not being accepted. She also told me about how lesbians might treat me if I ever got serious about her, because many lesbians have serious issues with trans women.
“I’ve encountered discrimination within our own community with regard to trans people and bisexual people. It often feels like we are LG vs. BT instead of LGBT. In fact, I have come across many lesbians and gay men who think we should have stayed ‘gay and lesbian.’
“I just don’t quite know how to handle all of these issues all the time, though. Something tells me that dating this woman who I like so much is going to come with a whole new set of challenges. So far, it seems she is more than worth it, though! Any resources, opinions, and education you can give would be greatly appreciated!”
I’m glad that you feel that the joy of being with your new partner outweighs all of the challenges involved, because I think it does. And if the politics become too much for either of you, I suggest that you seek out new communities that accept both of you and your relationship. They are out there. You just have to find them.
Let’s look at the concerns that you have expressed, one at a time:
1. There are women who call themselves HBSers or maybe who others refer to as HBSers, and sometimes the politics can get a little heated. My understanding of the main issue (and I could be wrong – I hope readers will correct me) is that some women who were born transsexual – who had a medical condition at birth that caused them to be misidentified as male, and that they have corrected through hormones and surgery – feel that they have been damaged by the “transgender movement.” (more…)
Ask Matt Potpourri: Short Questions with Short Answers
Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, Commentary, Information, Observations, tagged being trans, health care, hormones, politics, pronouns, relationships, testosterone, trans men, trans women on September 24, 2012 | 2 Comments »
A reader writes: “I am coming out late in my life. I am 65. I am on phytoestrogens. I am an avid shopper for feminine clothes and such. I am totally happy, but money is a big issue. Any suggestions you could give me would be a big help.”
I turn to my trans women readers for some shopping suggestions, but I always recommend thrift stores, such as Goodwill or ARC, for clothing needs, particularly in the early stages of transition. Money is often tight for trans people, and many of these second-hand stores have fantastic clothes as bargain prices. They also have sale days or senior discount days, where prices are reduced even more.
And even if money was no object, I would still recommend thrift stores for both men and women just beginning transition. Hormones change the shape of the body, redistributing fat and increasing or decreasing muscle mass, so it’s almost counterproductive to spend a lot of money on a new wardrobe when you don’t know what your body will look like in a year or two. That great dress, shirt, or pair of jeans that fits now might not in a few months. Your tastes might also change as you move through your transition. So don’t make a major investment up front, and go where the bargains are.
A reader writes: “I’m a teen FTM and I’ve recently switched to male pronouns (my friends and family on board, of course). Although whenever someone is talking about me with ‘he’ and such, I often forget that they’re talking about me at all! I’m so used to ‘she’ that I haven’t really connected with ‘he’ yet, even though I want to. Is that a normal feeling for a new trans person? If so, how do I get used to my new pronouns?”
I think this is very normal, because “she” is all you’ve ever known. When I started transition, I sometimes even referred to myself as “she,” and I often turned my head when people said “Jennifer,” even though they were talking about someone else. I also turned around when people said “Ma’am,” even though I knew they weren’t talking to me. That one actually took a couple of years to go away entirely.
As a teenager, your brain is still developing, which is actually a positive thing for you, because it might make it easier to form those associations with regard to your new pronouns. But it’s still going to take time. The more you hear them, the more familiar they will become, and the more they will seem like you. You will “grow into” them.
Be patient. The brain is extremely adaptable, but it also needs time to adjust. Give yourself at least a few months, and soon you won’t even acknowledge female pronouns, because they won’t seem like “you” anymore. (more…)
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