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Posts Tagged ‘privacy’

Ask Matt: Reaching the Trans Community for Physical Fitness

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, tagged , , , , on November 12, 2012 | 13 Comments »

Question MarkA reader writes: “I am a personal trainer and group exercise instructor in Palm Springs, CA. I may be a bit naive, but I have a feeling that the transgender community may be underserved and unnoticed when it comes to physical fitness and mainstream gyms. As my clientele is varied, my intention is to embrace and share all things fitness and ‘gym life’ and evolve into a better trainer and person in doing so.

“Can you suggest effective methods to reach out to the transgender community, while also being sensitive and respecting privacy and security issues. I have a lot to learn and am eager and ready to do so! Thank you for any help you may offer.”

When I first began my transition, my therapist told me to spend time in “men’s spaces,” including men’s locker rooms. At the time, I was very uncomfortable with this notion, and I didn’t do it. Maybe I was insecure about my body compared to the other guys’ bodies that I would see there, maybe I was nervous about communal shower space, or maybe it was just an excuse for not working out, but somehow I felt like I wouldn’t “belong” there.

As I got older, going to the gym seems less and less appealing, even though I would probably feel fine in the locker room, but I know that there are tons of trans people who go to gyms and work out (which is why they look great and I can’t fill out a T-shirt). And I think that many trans people who are looking for a gym or a trainer would probably welcome the opportunity to work out with a trainer who welcomes them.

In my opinion, and I’m sure readers will have others, you should market to trans people by advertising “a gym for all” or “services for all.” You can have a flyer or ad that says “Diversity is my specialty” or “Everyone welcome – no exceptions” or “Safe space for all.” Sometimes an added rainbow background or rainbow motif of some kind will signal to trans people that they are welcome, and sometimes it won’t make a difference, because not all trans people identify with the rainbow flag or with the LGBT community. (more…)

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Ask Matt: Help – I Outed My Partner

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, tagged , , , on September 17, 2012 | 4 Comments »

Question MarkA reader writes: “A couple of months ago, I had a trans-identified partner. They were MAAB, still go by their (male) given name, present as (a rather feminine) male about 70 percent of the time, identify as trans on the feminine spectrum, and use they/them or she/her pronouns.

“I was living in a different city than all of my friends while seeing this person, and disclosed their trans status to my friends. I thought this was a good idea so I could use their preferred pronouns when talking about them, and also just because my friends and I talk in detail about our relationships.

“I’ve since realized that it definitely wasn’t okay for me to out them like this. The partner and I have decided to start seeing each other again, and I was telling a friend today that they were going to come visit me. However, I didn’t know how to talk about them – I was using they/them when referring to them, and my friend went to ask something about them and said, ‘He? Or she? Is it a guy or girl?’ and I just really didn’t know how to respond.

“I didn’t want to mispronoun them by answering ‘he,’ but I also didn’t want to out them by saying ‘she.’ I just said, ”They’ is fine,’ which was fortunately good enough for this friend, but I know that if I had been talking to a closer friend, they would have pushed for details and I just wouldn’t know what to do. How should I handle such situations? Also, how do I deal with the fact that the partner will now likely meet people that I’ve outed them to?”

This is a bit of a dilemma, but not a major crisis, I don’t think. You just have to come clean with your partner. You have to let them know that you outed them, and let them know the reasons why you did so. Then you have to ask them what they would like to do, and/or what they would like you to do, given the circumstances.

Of course, it’s possible that your partner will be angry and feel betrayed. As you are now aware, they possibly have a right to feel that way. But it’s also true that, because we live in such a binary gender system, if you are talking to your friends about your partner and using the pronoun “they,” your friends are going to naturally ask if you are talking about a man or a woman (unless, of course, they know you to be categorically straight or gay/lesbian, in which case they will almost always make an assumption about the sex of your partner).

So to take care of the situation now and to prevent it from happening in the future, you have to do three things: (more…)

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Ask Matt: Trans Roommates in Institutional Settings

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, tagged , , , , on July 12, 2012 | 19 Comments »

Question MarkA reader writes: “A discussion at work ensued when a trans person requested a private room. It is a locked psychiatric unit with only one private room, which is primarily reserved for someone so psychotic or violent that they could not possibly have a roommate for safety reasons. So in order for the trans person to have a private room, another person would be denied in-patient psych services.

“But there are many reasons people need private rooms, so having one person in a room with two beds is fairly common – leaving a bed empty to create a private room isn’t a crisis.

“One person on staff states the FtM person should have a roommate with the same physical genitalia (female). Another staff thought the FtM person should room with the gender he affiliates with (male). A third person said the FtM patient had been a patient before and had not asked for a private room, so maybe he was just creating drama for the sake of creating drama.

“I thought we should accommodate the request if at all possible, not just for the FtM person, but also because a potential roommate, male or female, might be uncomfortable enough to make the situation not therapeutic for either person. I also suggested looking for a hospital policy on the matter.

“My question boils down to this: As a trans person, what would your expectations be regarding a roommate if you were hospitalized on an inpatient unit (medical or psych), keeping in mind that the hospitalization might not be voluntary, and you would not be able to leave if you wanted to.”

I have often thought about this with regard to going to jail, being in a hospital, or being in a nursing home. This type of scenario – trans people in institutional settings – is not uncommon, and as more people transition and are public about being trans, it will become more commonplace, so institutions need to make policies and be prepared to deal with these situations.

There are really only two options here, because under no circumstances should a trans man be placed with a female roommate or in a female ward or wing of any institution. The same is true of placing a trans woman with a male roommate. While we have historically matched people up by genitalia with regard to housing them in institutional settings (and for a gazillion other reasons, as well), this criterion is not appropriate in many instances. (more…)

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Ask Matt: Should I Out an Old Crush?

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, tagged , , , , , on June 18, 2012 | 13 Comments »

Question MarkA reader writes: “One of my earliest crushes (when I was twelve years old) was on a boy I knew. He later revealed that he was a woman in a man’s body (though not in those words). He has since undergone transition and is now a very pretty woman.

“When I recount past dating experiences and crushes, he (as I knew him as a male) is amongst the conversation. What pronouns should I use when I talk about having a crush on them, and if people ask me what happened to them, is it okay to say that he is a woman now?”

While this sounds like a pretty straightforward question with a pretty straightforward answer (which is: “There’s really no need to mention her at all”), the truth is that we do enjoy reminiscing with our friends about our old relationships, our first crush, our first kiss, our first “time,” and so on.

We also like the “where are they now?” aspect of our past, which is why we go to class reunions and go on Facebook to find old friends who we haven’t thought about for years, but who suddenly pop into mind.

In many ways, we are our memories, and it hinders our enjoyment of life not to be able to discuss them fully. But for trans people, particularly those who are living “stealth” (I don’t like that word, but it is commonly used), freely expressing our memories can, at the very least, out us at times when we prefer not to be out, and worst case scenario, put our safety at risk.

That’s our problem – but what about the people whose memories we are a part of, whether we know it or not? What are reasonable expectations for those people?

The fact that you wrote in at all about this dilemma speaks highly of your respect for this person. Many people would not be so concerned, and some would actually relish the gossip-and-giggle factor of a first “boy” crush growing into a woman. It’s really a fascinating thing to share with friends, and it makes a great story. But, in my opinion, it’s a story that you shouldn’t share – at least not in any detail. (more…)

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Ask Matt: Peeing with Pop

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, tagged , , , , , , on December 5, 2011 | 19 Comments »

A reader writes: “I am trying to think ahead on an awkward situation. I have the use of an STP (stand-to-pee device) down and have been using the men’s room for quite a while now.

“I have yet been in a situation where I have had to hit the head with my father or brothers, but the holidays are on us and that means road trips with these family members. It is going to happen that time shared in the men’s room with them will occur.

“I feel extremely awkward about using the restroom with them. My father has asked my son if he knows whether I use the men’s room out in public, so I believe the awkward situation is on his mind as well. Any suggestions on the best course of action to overcome this awkward situation?”

This is a very interesting question, and a new one for me. I hope both men and women weigh in on this, because even though such a situation might be slightly easier for women and their female relatives because everyone would be using the stalls, it could still be enough for a good squirm.

My father has been dead a long time, but I tried to think about what I would do in this scenario if he were alive, and it didn’t take me long to figure out that I wouldn’t go into the bathroom with him. If we stopped at a roadside rest area, I would hang around either outside or in the car until he came out, and then I would go in.

One thing I might do is find something to distract me. I might suddenly become interested in checking the map, looking at something on my phone, or “stretching my legs” with a short walk. When Dad came out, I would go in.

Or I’d say, “I don’t think I have to go right now,” and then I’d suddenly feel the urge after he was finished – “Oops, I guess I have to go after all.”

Or I’d flat out be honest with him – “Dad, I think it might be just a little much for us to pee together, so why don’t you go first?” (This is my preferred solution.) (more…)

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Ask Matt: Partners and Personal Questions

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, tagged , , , , , on October 10, 2011 | 33 Comments »

Question MarkA reader writes: “I met my boyfriend last year during Vagina Monologue auditions and was curious about the obvious man in the room interloping our feminist space. After we were introduced, our friendship grew, as did my love for him and my understanding of what it means to transition.

“My boyfriend is open about his identity in order to help bring understanding, tolerance and acceptance to our campus, so when we became open about our relationship we definitely were not stealth, which brought on an assortment of questions from our peers and others that always seemed to be centered around our sex life.

“I currently identify as a straight woman who has only dated cis men before my current boyfriend. I am new to this world where people actually care what is between my legs and his and how we use it. I am tired of the questions of if my boyfriend and I are lesbians, or if I miss having a real penis in my sex life. I am tired of being told I am brave, I am tired of being told I must be dating him because he is so exotic, so exciting, must be the ‘best of both worlds,’ when in actuality my business-accounting boyfriend is a man through and through.

“I guess I am just frustrated of feeling like an object on display. It is sometimes difficult getting past the stereotypes and endless questions. There is a whole lot more to us and why we date each other than what is in our pants. Just like any other healthy relationship, it’s not all about the sex.”

This is a side of trans relationships that’s not acknowledged enough – the experiences of non-trans partners. Even for those of us who are trans and are out activists, personal questions can get tiring outside of the context of educational settings, but we have made the decision to be out and to educate, so we pretty much know what we’re getting into.

Partners of trans people have only made the decision to fall in love with an out trans person, and in most cases, that isn’t so much of a conscious decision as something that just happens. Then, suddenly, the partner finds out that her (or his) own personal life is up for grabs, a development that she never anticipated.

I had to cut your letter for space, but in your original letter, you mentioned a trans guy and his partner appearing on a show called Strange Sex. I didn’t see the show and I don’t know what was so strange about their sex, but perhaps it was just because he was trans. (more…)

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Ask Matt: Teaching Teachers About Trans Issues

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, tagged , , , , , on October 3, 2011 | 15 Comments »

Question MarkA reader writes: “I will be talking and teaching teachers about being transgender and working with them to create a safer school climate and a respectful school climate. This particular school is getting its first trans boarding student. Several teachers have asked about the other students, as in, ‘They should be told that the new student is trans’ and ‘We need to protect the trans student and we need to protect the other students.’ How would you respond to this?

“I know it takes time to get used to something unfamiliar. I also believe, even in private high schools, that teachers must leave their baggage at the door, which is hard, but we did it with big areas like religion, racism, etc. How would you help faculty see what they need to do to create not only awareness, but eventually acceptance?”

I have done Safe Schools training in the past, and it’s sometimes tough to get everyone on board. However, in my experience, most teachers really do want to help all of their students, and I think that is the key. In order for all students to learn, the classroom must be a safe environment for everyone.

While it’s sometimes hard to leave personal baggage at the schoolhouse door, particularly when it comes to topics such as sexual orientation and gender identity, which have somehow become both political and religious topics (and which, in an ideal world, would be neither), teachers who are truly committed to helping kids learn will also be committed to separating their personal agenda from their professional one.

I certainly commend the school on bringing in a trainer for the teachers in light of getting its first trans student. I wish more schools, businesses, and other organizations would do as much. But with this student will come controversy, no doubt, and you are wise to be concerned about teaching the faculty everything that they need to know in order to make all their students comfortable while promoting acceptance for this new student.

I don’t have all the information I need to avoid making assumptions, so I’m going to assume that this is a trans girl (transitioned or transitioning from male to female) and that she is living full-time as a female. I am also making an assumption that, because this is a boarding school, she will be sharing living quarters with other females, as well as classes. Based on these assumptions, in my opinion, in order to protect the new student, the teachers might have to forgo “protecting” the current students. (more…)

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Ask Matt Monday: Redirecting the Conversation

Posted in Advice, Ask Matt, tagged , , , , , on June 6, 2011 | 4 Comments »

Question MarkA reader writes: “As someone who is beginning my physical transition from female to male, I’ve experienced a long buildup in terms of coming out to friends and family, figuring out where my support will come from, explaining my process and answering questions.

“Although my transition is important to me and a huge part of my life right now, I don’t want it to become the main topic of conversation whenever I talk to people. Sometimes, I’d rather not mention it at all, as there are other interesting things happening in my life (and the world, and the life of people close to me). Do you have any tips on how to handle and/or deflect well-meaning questions and comments, and direct the conversation to other topics?”

I wish I could tell you that this goes away after a couple of years, but I don’t want to lie to you. Every time you come out, people will want to ask you question after question. They will want to tell you about someone they know who’s trans. They will want to know if you have seen Boys Don’t Cry or tell you how much they love RuPaul’s Drag Race (RuPaul is not trans, by the way, for all you well-meaning non-trans folks out there). And they will assume that you have no interests other than all things trans.

I only wish that we were as fascinating as everyone thinks we are. But even though, for the most part, we’re not, this is still a relatively new phenomenon for most non-trans people, and they are really just overwhelmed by it. They are awestruck with it. It will take a lot of patience on your part to deal with the enthralled masses.

You will find that nodding and smiling will get you through most social-gathering-type situations, but with your current friends and family, and with those people with whom you hope to cultivate a friendship, nodding and smiling will not get you very far. Your friends want you to interact with them. They want you to talk. (more…)

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In the Press: When is it Okay to ID a Person as Trans?

Posted in Commentary, tagged , , , , on July 16, 2010 | 7 Comments »

Dad EsquireI swear, trans people are doing so many things today that we are constantly in the headlines – literally.

“Transgender woman robs a bank,” “Transgender man robs a bank” (usually the same story), “Transgenders protest new law” (those “transgenders” – always out of control), “Transsexual people go to grocery store, shop for food” (anything counts as news with us).

But when does it really matter whether or not a person is transgender or transsexual? When is this part of the news, and when is it simply used to get views for the story? (more…)

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Creepy Things About the Internet

Posted in Commentary, Observations, tagged , , , on April 15, 2010 | 5 Comments »

Mozilla FoxfireThe Internet has been an incredible boon to trans people, offering support, information, and friendship that was not always available in the past, especially to those in small towns or isolated areas. It has allowed trans people to know that they are not alone and has provided hundreds of ways to connect with others. It has also provided a layer of invisibility to those trans people who want to seek out information without being identified.

Even so, it’s understandable why some people — both trans and non-trans — don’t feel as invisible as they might like. While the Internet might not recognize you on the street, it sure knows a heck of a lot about you when you sign on — or at least it thinks it does. Here’s what creeps me out: (more…)

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