Youth today are generally more sophisticated and knowledgeable than ever before, thanks to the Internet, which provides them with a wealth of information, resources, and connections. However, youth experiencing gender issues can still feel confused, isolated, and afraid.
How the adults in his or her life respond will have a huge impact on how a transgender youth feels about him- or herself, and how well that youth can accept and manage his or her feelings. It is important for teachers, social workers, and others who work with youth to be aware of and alert to the possibility of gender struggles in young people. Here are some things to consider:
Avoid assumptions:
1. Although youth today are sometimes more sophisticated and knowledgeable, don’t assume that a transgender youth or a youth experiencing gender issues will always be able to identify his or her struggle. Youth often don’t know what the word transgender means or may not see themselves as trans. Be aware of statements or questions that seem unusual, and don’t always take them at face value or dismiss them.
Sometimes young people confuse sexual orientation and gender identity. You might hear “I think I’m too gay,” “Is it possible to be too gay?,” or “I’m so gay I should have been a girl (or boy).” Other examples – “Is it possible that mistakes can be made in the womb?” “Is it possible to be a boy and a girl?” “Does God make mistakes?” “I wish I was a girl (or boy),” or “I should have been a girl (or boy).”
2. Don’t assume that a “masculine-acting” girl is a lesbian and that a “feminine-acting” boy is gay. They might be. Or they might be transgender. They might also be non-trans, heterosexual children.
3. Don’t assume that a very feminine girl or a very masculine boy is not transgender. Don’t scoff or ignore gender concerns expressed by these individuals. Some trans people exhibit hyper-feminine or hyper-masculine behaviors in an effort to deny or change their feelings.
Separate gender identity and sexual orientation (but not always):
4. Remember that gender identity and sexual orientation are usually separate concepts in Western culture, although they can overlap. But a girl who likes boys can still be transgender, as can a boy who likes girls. Trans people can have any sexual orientation.
Along the same lines, assuming that all youth are heterosexual can be problematic for gay, lesbian, and trans youth. An innocent question like “Who are you taking to the prom?” can be painful and embarrassing for a young person who can’t take his or her chosen date because of school rules or because he or she is not out. Similar questions, such as asking a girl if she likes any boys at her school or asking a boy if he has a girlfriend yet, can be equally problematic.
But sexual orientation can be fluid. So don’t be surprised if sexual attractions change as a youth begins to express his or her true gender identity. If you pay attention, youth will generally tell you who they are in one way or another.
Be non-judgmental:
5. Allow young people to express themselves in their own words, which might not be the words you would use. Then ask them to define those words or statements that you don’t understand. For example, if a youth says, “I’m queer,” ask what he or she means by that statement.
Regardless of how you feel about a particular word or phrase, be non-judgmental in allowing the youth to express his or her feelings and open up to you. Words that carry derogatory meanings in peer settings might be words a youth will use with you in a private conversation.
Watch your facial expressions and reactions when a youth opens up to you. Expressions of shock, horror, revulsion, or disbelief can cause the youth to shut down and go without help. Negating a youth’s feelings, such as saying, “That’s impossible. You’re so feminine,” if a girl expresses gender concerns, will cause that girl to shut down and will also convey to her that her feelings are bad or wrong.
Prevent bullying:
6. Do not allow derogatory words or comments to be used in peer settings to demean others. For example, “queer,” when used by a youth in a private conversation in an attempt to describe feelings, is different from “queer” used in public to demean another. Stop any teasing, harassment, or cruelty immediately without singling out the person being verbally attacked. Cruel words hurt everyone, not just the person being picked on, and this is the point you want to make.
7. Do not side with youths who are verbally attacking another for gender diverse behavior. For example, do not say, “They’re right, Janet. That’s not very ladylike behavior.” Any harassment is unacceptable, and youth look to adults to stop inappropriate behavior, not contribute to it.
8. Do not use gender as a means of discipline or correction. For example, phrases such as “Act like a man, John,” “Boys don’t cry,” “Girls don’t talk that way,” or “Ladies don’t sit like that” can cause anguish in youth with gender concerns.
Provide support:
9. Acceptance is the most important factor in making any child feel normal and whole. Gender diverse behaviors are becoming more and more visible in youth. Gender diverse behaviors do not mean that a youth is transgender. However, it can be a sign, so be open to that possibility.
10. When working in a social services or health care setting with a youth who has expressed gender issues or concerns, finding a knowledgeable therapist, or one who is willing to learn, is essential. Don’t ignore or discount feelings because an appropriate therapist is not available. You can work with the therapist to help educate him or her.
I have participated in Safe Schools training for the Denver Public School District and have presented in high school classrooms and at GLSEN (Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network) and GSA (Gay-Straight Alliance) conferences. Contact me for more information about training school staff on trans issues.
